Sunday, May 03, 2009

Meet the Press - May 3, 2009

Richard Besser, CDC
Kathleen Sebelius, HHS
Janet Napolitano, DHS
Sen. Arlen Specter, (D-PA)
Joe Scarborough
Ed Gillespie
Gregory: talk swine flu to me

Besser: as deadly plagues go it's not that bad

Gregory: what the fuck is going on in mexico - why are people dying?

Besser: people get the flu and then get kidnapped and get shot

Gregory: oh that's a problem

Besser: also more people could die here

Gregory: yay

Gregory: Katy am i overreacting by duct taping my children?

Sibelius: no that's a wise move

Gregory: ok then

Sibelius: we are ready for this problem - unlike Bush's FEMA

Gregory: how do you scare people without panicking them?

Biden: Don't leave your house!!!

Gregory: i hate it when the media scares people so let's blame Joe Biden for everything!!!

Napolitano: god you are a moron

Gregory: the plague is like a walk on a Slippery Rock - is the Nod of Peace just going make god angrier at us??

Besser: could be that's why we tell people to use the Fist Bump of Friendliness

Gregory: i'm terrified

Besser: you're an idiot

Gregory: bottom line - are we all going to die?

Besser: yes

Gregory: what??!!

Besser: some day we all will fluffyhead

Gregory: why not seal the border until we know more??

Napolitano: is there someone less stupid we can talk to?

Tim Russert's Corpse: i'm not dead

Besser: jackass we have more cases than they do

Gregory: if my children cough what should i do

Besser: first get out the hazmat suit you bought on 9/11

Gregory: great - then what?

Besser: take them to a fucking doctor

Gregory: well only the important kids not my spare ones

Besser: naturally not those

[ break ]

Gregory: Arlen who should Barack put on the Court?

Specter: a wise cranky old woman

Gregory: my mother?

Specter: or maybe a hispanic or one of those other dark ones

Gregory: that will make mark halperin cry

Specter: fuck him

Gregory: well who specifically?

Specter: not touching that

Gregory: is ‘empathy’ just code for favoring the gaiis and minorities?

Specter: well what if it was?

Gregory: but white men!!

Specter: we had a good run dude but it's over now

Gregory: but you supported crazies

Specter: but not Bork

Gregory: i said crazy - not psychotic

Specter: riiiight

Gregory: why did you switch parties ?

Specter: i have great ambition but no principles

Gregory: i see

Specter: the people of PA need my ancient wanking skillz

Gregory: bash Obama for me

Specter: not the Jedi!

Gregory: gawd even David Broder thinks you're untrustworthy

Specter: no fair the GOP has become the party of crazy

Gregory: since when?

Specter: since 1980 but i only just realized it

Gregory: how are you different from teh modern GOP

Specter: i'm against cancer

Gregory: why do hate baby Jesus?

Specter: hey he was jewish like me

Gregory: did you make a deal with Reid?

Specter: I only asked them to fix the election for me which the GOP refused to do

Gregory: what the hell do you believe in

Specter: no nukes, abortion, anti-cancer, social security, and paying WWI veterans their fucking bonuses

Gregory: good news for steve simels

Specter: what did he do in the war

Gregroy: he wrote snarky reviews of the Battle of Verdun

Gregory: health care reform?

Specter: what better way to reduce costs then use technology and research disease?

Gregory: it won't help at all?

Specter: grumble mumble

Gregory: what the fuck is wrong the Republicans

Specter: The Club for Growth are a bunch of lunatics and they have taken over the party

Gregory: strong words

Specter: they are destroying the party whaaaaaaa whaaaaaaa

Gregory: you are a democrat now - so do you support democratic ideas

Specter: fuck no

Gregory: you were misquoted

Specter: i never said single bullet i said single pullet

Gregory: a chicken killed Kennedy?

Specter: why not

Gregory: why are wearing an onion on your belt Arlen?

Specter: don't you like it?

[ break ]

Gregory: what's wrong with teh GOP

Gillespie: we suck

Gregory: we all know that

Gillespie: but hey we've been declared dead before

Scarborough: we always rise again

Gregory: why is that?

Scarborough: because selfishness has a universal appeal

Gregory: what went wrong

Scarborough: we spent too much and invaded Iraq

Gregory: i thought that was the best thing ever

Scarborough: well that was before

Gillespie: let's not bicker about who killed who

Gregory: how do you get the Presidency?

Gillespie: persuade Barack Obama to switch parties

Gillespie: we have independents who oppose Borrow and Spending

Scarborough: we did that every year from 1980 to 2008

Gillespie: oh pish posh

Scarborough: we haven't been really conservative for 30 years

Gregory: well what the fuck are you then?

Scarborough: we need to look internally

Gregory: interns?

Scarborough: oh noe

Scarborough: ronald reagan was very very conservative

Gregory: but he ran up the debt too!

Scarborough: but that was all the Democrats fault

Gregory: maybe your problem is total hypocrisy

Gillespie: no we're too ideologically rigid

Scarborough: true we should have both the insane and non-insane

Gillespie: any qualified Scotus nominee should be approved except if they advocate empathy which is just crazy

Scarborough: we should promote total hate and lunacy but only in 2010

Gregory: thank you for appearing on Meet the Republicans - i mean Meet the Press

[ whiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrr ]

Gregory: what's that sound?

Stagehand: tim russert spinning in his grave

Gregory: shit

Kemp: we need racial reconciliation and have GOP reach out to blacks

rush limbaugh: who is this negro loving nut?

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