Sunday, July 29, 2007

Meet The Press - July 29, 2007

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Meet The Press - July 29, 2007
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Chuck Todd: omg what if Gary Hart was black?

Andrea Mitchell: omg what if Obama was black?

John Harwood: YearlyKos!!!

Tim Russert: Hillary dislikes Barack Obama

Dan Balz: Team Hillary obsessed with him

Tim: why

Andrea: because he's winning and he's been bashing her generation

Tim: she hate Obama

Andrea: she also hates Edwards

Tim: don't worry we'll obsess on that in a minute

Todd: she was supposed to be the exciting candidate now suddenly she's stodgy establishment candidate it's weird no wonder she's mad

Edwards: they both suck i'm a third way guy

Harwood: andrea i like your jacket

Andrea: i saw it in the window and just had to have it

Harwood: he's leading in Iowa

Balz: polls taken in Iowa show how important Iowa is

Tim: how so

Balz: i dunno it sounded cool

Tim: so what happens

Balz: if Hillary finishes third in Iowa that would interesting

Tim: wow you're dull

Brownstein: ok here's the theory - Obama wins Iowa then rolls into New Hampshire where he leads then goes into Carolina and boom he's the nominee!!

Todd: that's right if Obama wins Iowa Hillary will conspire with Edwards to have him killed

Timmeh: let's talk about Hillary's hair

Andrea: the Post wrote about her cleavage

Timmeh: she's using her female breasts for fundraising

Tim: heh last night in Nantucket i wished i'd had the Mansierre

Balz: the Bro!!

Robinson: Obama should get the Arsenio fade that would be cool

Tim: awesome

Robinson: no that was a very good article the clothes make the man or woman

Andrea: oh baloney it was stupid

Harwood: no it was a great you see Hillary is very much like Barry Bonds on steroids you know Hillary calculates how much her breasts show

Tim: Bill probably helps her with that

Tim: Obama does better with rich whites and Hillary does better with blacks

Robinson: he must win in South Carolina it's weird that he's not doing better

Timmeh: Giuliani leads against Hillary but Obama does better against Thompson

Todd: her people are bugged that she's losing

Tim: no shit

Todd: white men automatically hate her

Balz: Thompson is definitely running he just needs to get all his gaffes out of the way first

Russert: Romney loses national polls but leads in Iowa and New Hampshire

Harwood: we should definitely let good looks and a tiny midwestern state decide the next president

Tim: but he's a polygamist

Harwood: actually that's not true

Tim: awww too bad that would be fun i want to marry my Spanglish maid

Brownstein: Let the people of Iowa Rule Us All!!!!

Robinson: Rudy leads in South Carolina it's weird because people go to church in down there

Andrea: they just love Fascism more than Fetuses

Brownstein: he says there no one national solution to shit like abortion and gun control let's let the states decide i think it's very intriguing idea myself

Andrea: it's just a dodge Ron you should know that

Balz: i asked Rudy if he thought abortion was a constitutional right

Tim: what did he say

Balz: i can't tell you that

Todd: if Romney does well in South Carolina he will be the nominee

Brownstein: exactly but how he does there depends on how he does in Iowa and N. Hampshire where he is leading

[ break ]

Schumer: what did u have for breakfast

Alberto Gonzalez: i can't tell you that

Schumer: was milk or a bowl involved

Gonzalez: i refuse to say

Andrea: he has one supporter in Washington it's really bad even the Cocktail Party people think he's a liar

Robinson: he's trying to parse something as if we all fall for his little smirking game

Harwood: well i'm persuaded by the data mining thing but i'm worried he's incompetent

Russert: sounds bad

Harwood: When Schumer punched him i wanted to give little Alberto Gonzalez a hug

Brownstein: Bush is going to introduce a mandatory salute next week but it's nothing to worry about

Todd: this is a win for Bush all the Democrats are distracted while Bush builds detention camps

Andrea: people are starting to hate on Congress it think people are "fed up with those clowns in Congress"

Tim: wow Andrea how do keep up with the news like that?
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This Week With George Stephanopoulos - July 29, 2007

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This Week With George Stephanopoulos - July 29, 2007
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Stephanopoulos: Obama and Hillary got into a tiff wow!

Gergen: Hillary had the upper hand in the debate so why get in this fight i don't know

Zakaria: her answer was right

Stephanopoulos: but Obama only said he was “willing to talk” not talk with no preconditions

Zakaria: she's on the defensive suddenly she looks like Bush

Cokie: this is going to shock you my insight tells me first you have to win the primary then the general election

Stephanopoulos: fascinating

Cokie: the Dems are doomed this is another defeatist Vietnam

Gergen: oh absolutley the Dems are liberals and traitors

Zakaria: are you fuckers on drugs???

Gergen: why does Obama deny the Holocaust??

Stephanopoulos: yes Obama goofed - but what's interesting is he took the fight to her - he doubled down!

Cokie: oh sure he's right politically but i still feel like Obama is a dirty fucking hippie

Gergen: Hillary is strident and harsh and when she attacked Obama her forked tounge came out again

Stephanopoulos: plus Obama is supposed to be a nice guy

Cokie: right, see he's a meanie!

Steph: Edwards joked about her jacket

Cokie: i hate John Edwards he's sexist

Gergen: Democrats are all wimps

Cokie: I was offended by Edwards i've been around a long time and i just don't take offense lightly

Gergen: oh come one you got all pissy when i spilled my martini on you last night

Zakaria: i think Democrats desire to seem tough has gotten them into trouble

Stephanopoulos: wow, the really can't win

Zakaria: they are scared of Vietnam syndrome

Cokie: as well they should be -- Democrats killed 50,000 Cambodians

Gergen: Democrats want to sing Kumbayah and take LSD and turn the White House into big muddy sex-filled Woodstock acid trip

Cokie: it's so terrible i hate liberals

Stephanopoulos: holy shit you are so fucking stupid

Zakaria: you are aware Bush is widely hated right?!

Cokie: ha ha ha ha ha

Gergen: people want someone wise and serious and sensible like me

Cokie: the fucking Democrats just voted to take all troops by April - my god why don't they just nominate Bin Laden!!!

Gergen: Frankly we need bipartisanship and agreement to stay in Iraq

Cokie: this is all the Democrats fault the blood is entirely on their hands

[ stunned silence ]

Zakria: how nice for you and your bipartisan friends it will never happen because Bush is crazy

Stephanopoulos: Hillary wants to stay and Bill Richardson wants to leave

Cokie: Harry Reid hates America at some point they will surrender America to our brown enemies

Gergen: the hippies will push Hillary to not be serious and sensible

Zakaria: jeebus you do understand Bush is the President don't you??

Gergen: sorry who are you talking about???

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The Chris Matthews Show - Sunday, July 29, 2007

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The Chris Matthews Show - Sunday, July 29, 2007
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Matthews: Iraq is a total diaster but we can't leave, can we?

Duffy: 10,000 Iraqis will die every month if we leave it's terrible!!!

Matthews: there’s though lots of explosions that's not so much fun

Norah O'Donnell: we can't leave Iraq will explode i hope the american people will be patient with Bush!!

David Ignatius: the American people are selfish and wimps not strong and serious like Bush and Wise Beltway Types like me

Matthews: well i must be not be one of them cause i don't get it

Gloria Borger: Bush is a winner he has until the spring of 2008 the surge is working!!!

Matthews: Bush sez it's all about Al Qeada

Mike Duffy: Bush sez we fight them there so we don't fight them here -- but if we beat them won't they come here?

Matthews: it's like ants at a picnic just you have some in one place doesn’t mean they can’t be on you’re blanket too

Duffy: hell some Iraqis say if we leave they could kill al qaeda

Matthws: david yur a novelist thrill us with your acumen

Ignatius: no your all wrong it's all Bin Laden if we leave Iraq it's a defeat for America we can never leave we must kill all Muslims everywhere!!!!!

O'Donnell: you're making Bush's argument

Ignatius: I know i luv him

Matthews: what if we leave???

Duffy: no one wants to talk about this but omg the price of oil could up!!!!

Matthews: who should we kill?

Duffy: better kill everyone just to be safe

Matthews: so do we leave?

Ignatius: they've abandoned Maliki and the Parliament they’re turning to a a small group of power brokers they're like the Bobbleheads of Iraq

Borger: can i talk?

Matthews: if you must

Borger: Democrats hate America

Matthews: we are leaving aren't we?

Duffy: yes but we have to be like George Costanza and leave on a high note

Matthews: remember Gary Hart and Dean wow those doods were really crazy Barack Obama is looking to my really best buddy Ronald Reagan

Obama: we rise and fall together

Ignatius: i luv it!!!!!!

Matthews: ooh i'm so excited Obama hit Hillary and now she's calling him naive and he sez she's Bush-lite

Ignatius: ha ha ha i luv it!!!!

Matthews: this is so fucking awesome!

Ignatius: there's a real difference here he wants to make luv not war and she says lets fight

Borger: let me references Bobblespeaking on a Bobblespeak show

Matthews: HA HA Ha i luv it he called Obama a Holocaust Denier!!!

Duffy: this is the most important moment because he's young and she's the experienced candidate

Borger: well she is better than him

Matthews: better at what -- voting for crazy wars?

Borger: i have absolutely no idea i'm an idiot

Matthews: why do i have you on then?

Borger: because no one channels cocktail party chatter like me

Ignatius: if things get much worse in Iraq it will be good for Hillary since she voted for the war

Matthews: Gonzalez lied

O'Donnell: Bush sez no it's complicated -- besides lying isn't a bad thing anymore

Matthews: unbelievable

Panel: he's not going anywhere

Matthews: how do we get rid of this guy?

Ignatius: if he's late picking up Dick Cheney's dry cleaning

The McLaughlin Group - July 29, 2007

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The McLaughlin Group - July 29, 2007
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McLaughlin: Hilary is more naive than Obama because she voted for the war

Buchanan: that's right i think Obama is the winner but they're going to show Obama in campaign ads meeting with Holocaust deniers

Clift: this is a silly debate their positions are the same but it shows how sharp Hillary is and how Obama can hit back

McLaughin: the 9/11 Commission said we should meet with the enemies

Blankley: Kennedy and Clinton caused the Cuban Missile Crisis cause of liberal weakness

McL: but she's the establishment candidate

O'Donnell: Hillary got the media on her side but then Obama won the liberal base

Buchanan: she wants to stop the debate because Obama got the upper hand

McLaughlin: so won this battle?

Buchanan: the whole thing benefits Obama because he's the one who is behind

Blankley: they both win

Buchnan: Obama is the winner in the second round

Clift: its a tie

Blankely: she wins this one

O'Donnell: sort of a tie -- Bush is the real looser

[ break ]

Specter: Gonzalez i think you're a liar and i'm the one who thought up the single bullet theory

Buchanan: We're stuck with Abu because Himmler couldn't get confirmed

Clift: this is bad a Constitutional crisis is looming

McLaughlin: Card and Abu threatened to pull the plug on Ashcroft so they could get permission to break the law

Mueller: Abu lied

Comey: these are evil people

Blankley: well it's a gun and there's some smoke coming out of the barrel i have to admit it's pretty bad

McL: Bush told him to torture Ashcroft

Blankely: that's true but it's admirable

O'Donnell: Bush is stubborn and stupid

Clift: they're liars too

Buchanan: Bush is not acting on principle he's just an asshole he gave Congress the Italian Salute

McL: Bush has come full circle he's into Complete Victory!!!

O'Donnell: it's completely insane

Blankely: first people want an optimistic president and second there's a lot of good news from Iraq

O'Donnell: like what

Blankley: no we took a town this week

O'Donnell: who's "we" kemosabe?
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Hardball - Friday, July 27 2007

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Hardball, Friday, July 27

Guests: Shelia Jackson Lee, Rep. Cannon
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Tweety: did Abu lie

Jackson-Lee: oh yeah look Mueller knew that they went to the hopsital to threaten to turn off Ashcrofts machines unless he played ball

Tweety: beyond a reasonable doubt

Jackson-Lee: you're trying to trap me dood we need a special prosecutor

Tweety: should Ashcroft testify

Cannon: oh no way it's all totally super secret James Bond stuff!!

Jackson-Lee: was it Terrorist Surveillance Program?

Mueller: um yeah

Jackson-Lee: like what dood

Mueller: i can't tell you

Tweety: is Aleberto a liar?

Cannon: how should i know?

Tweety: why not have Ashcroft testify?

Cannon: no, he might prove Abu a liar

Jackson-Lee: rule of law doods or i swear i will start asking about administration sex lives

Tweety: is Abu stoopid or something?

Cannon: he's too nice

Tweety: what the fuck is wrong with him?

Cannon: i don't know maybe he was dropped on his haid

Tweety: is he a good AG

Cannon: he's just too nice to take on Schumer

Tweety: well how is going to take on Al Qaeda and the Mob dood?

Jackson-Lee: c'mon Alberto went to Harvard all we know now is we are not getting straight answer from him

Cannon: we don't have jurisdiction over the Truth

Tweety: um Congresswoman Bush went to Yale and Harvard and he's a moron

Shelia: dood that's a good point but Bush is White i figured Abu had to be twice as good

Tweety: well there's a scary thought

Tweety: what do you think - did Abu lie?

Cummins: doods we're at war with people who want to kill us and Alberto goes up there and makes no sense at all

Tweety: incompetent?

Cummins: he's a like a bleeding boxer - somebody call this fight

Iglesias: sad and sordid tale he's giving all hispanics a bad name

Tweety: maybe he's just too nice?

Iglesias: oh crap we're at war we need someone as tough as nail or more if yur up against a real man like Diane Feinstein

Tweety: so what now?

Igelsias: independent prosecutor - but that won't happen

Tweety: because they are all crooks

Iglesias: yup

Cummins: there is nothing to stop them from telling the truth right now

Tweety: but then they would have to admit their wrongdoing

Cummins: but we all already know that Iglesias was fired for political reason by now -- they should just admit it and end the scandal

Tweety: Abu a big liar?

Iglesias: frankly yes

Cummins: did i say yes -- i means yes

[ break ]

Tweety: who will win in Iowa?

Joe Trippi: i dunno

Tweety: its gotta be Edwards or yur guy is dead

Trippi: that's exactly right

Tweety: then he wins Florida

Trippi: what a silly spat Obama and Hillary are in it's mostly Hillary's fault

Tweety: would Edwards have Fidel killed?

Trippi: minimum wage dood!

Tweety: oh no i'm very scared Obama will give in to the enemey and surrender Nantucket to the islamic horde

Trippi: teh name calling is stoopid

Tweety: this is important i'm really scared but then again i just realized hate bush too

Trippi: call down dood they're just trying to win the primary

Tweety: bash hillary please

Trippi: I don't want to get sucked into this dood

Tweety: but you're running third

Trippi: yeah but the strategy now is to let the two of them attack each other and swoop in and be the nice guy above it all and win!!

Tweety: i love it good luck

Tweety: why did she give Obama the title shot

Hanretty: the Clintons are trying to take down the guy who's running second it's simple

Tweety: wow tough

Hanretty: the tag of naive is devastating

Shrum: interesting debate she thought she would have it wrapped up and Obama can't back down even if he really did regret what he said

Tweety: wrap it up for me

Shrum: Obama the Unready and Hillary the Bush-Lite

Tweety: fair or unfair with the Holocaust denier thing?

Shrum: look Hillary's people are scared of Obama

Hanretty: Obama lost Florida when he said he would gay marry Fidel Castro

Shrum: every schoolchild knows about that whole Florida thing but look even Bush wants to talk to iran

Tweety: she's always so careful its fascinating

Tony Snow: dood sure he lied but try and prove it

Kornblut: The Bush White House is enjoying watching Abu being tortured he's like a Presidential Michael Vick

Fein: remember Nixon he's a crook

Tweety: what crime did Bush commit?

Fein: he violated FISA

Tweety: well then you can't prove it so why should we investigate???

Burnett: that's a great point without proof beyond a reasonable doubt how can you charge someone it's black letter law

Tweety: is it Bush's fault the Dow sux?

Burnett: ha ha i like cocktail weenies too much to answer that

Tweety: who is lying?

Kornblut: don't say that Tweety that's uncivil

Fein: they violated the FISA act and the American people get it

Tweety: no you're wrong people get perjury because it's lying who's heard of FISA???

Fein: yeah but personal privacy!!

Tweety: i hate bad guyz

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Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Democratic Debate - July 23, 2007


Dennis Kucinich wants to create a Department of Peace
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Democratic Debate - July 23, 2007
CNN / YouTube
The Citadel
(Note: Partial transcript)
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Q: Kucinich, yur a freak so why should we vote for u

Kucinich: dood i always opposed this now don't get me wrong, i like war as much as anyone, and duty and honor and all that but my motto is Strength Thru Peace, baby

[applause]

Clinton: Democrats are totally united behind me and my pink outfit -- not the Keebler Elf. Do u know I have been an instument of change for 35 years!

[scattered applause]

Obama: dood the Democrats are to blame too that's why i don't take PAC money -- i totally rock

Q: hillary r u a liberal?

Hillary: it used to mean u were in favor of freedom in the 19th century but i'm not a liberal i'm an American-Modern-Progressive it's kind of Whitman-meets-Twain-Meets-William Jennings Bryant thing

Gravel: let's talk about Obama he took $$$ from Robert Wuhl and he sucked in "Batman" and "Good Morning Vietnam"

Obama: dood i passed a law against this while you were sitting around watching Matlock reruns

Q: Biden, which Republicans do you like?

[applause]

Biden: i like Chuck Hagel and name Dick Lugar Sec. of State

Anderson: he said name on person dood

Biden: you know that bill called the Clinton crime bill, well I call it the Biden Crime Bill

Anderson: how bizarre

Edwards: you can't negotiate with the insurance companies we have crush in the infame!!

[ applause!!! ]

Q: John Edwards, are we ever going to get reparations for slavery?

Edwards: no of course not dood but look at other issues like why do low and high income blacks pay more for mortgages is Malcom X Blvd. that nice i don't think so

Obama: no but what about investment in teh schools?

[ big applause ]

the kids are still living in the civil war era classrooms and thats a Corridor of Shame

Kucinich: yes and no i will take this opportunity to talk and say yes but really no it's all about defense contractors wait on second thought yes I am in favor of reparations!

Q: what would have happened in Katrina had hit Greenwich CT dood?

Dodd: oh you know it would have been way different hopefully that would not happen again - you know, on second thought we should have been ready before the hurricane hit!

Anderson C: but dood the mayor is a democrat doesn't that make Bush a hero

Richardson: no way you know Bush is a fucking sociopath who strummed while the city was destroyed

Q: barack r u really black?

Obama: when i tried to catch a cab in New York trust me I'm black

Anderson: well dood that's hard for everyone

Obama: uh huh anyway obviously i'm black but if you want to solve the race problem give people equal opportunity otherwise just give up

Clinton: well i know what i am i am woman hear me roar and damm proud of it

Anderson: sing it sister

Clinton: look Bill is hispanic and Obama is black and I'm female and let's face there's more of me than of them

Edwards: i speak for everyone on this stage when i say i don't want the racists to vote for me

Obama: that's true

Edwards: raise the minimum wage that will help more women than electing Hillary

Anderson: diss Elizabeth please

Hilllary: oh don't go there Andy i was in Bejing in front of the tanks advocating for women and everyone knows that -- hell i moved to fucking Arkansas now there's a damm sacrifice

Q (Brooklyn Lesbians): gay marriage doods

Dennis: Yes! and you know why? cause Lesbians are hot! No I'm just kidding it's about human rights!

Dodd: um, well, see, I have 2 daughters and if they grew up to be lesbians i would want them to be able to not be married

Richardson: no because people hate gays if i were president i couldn't do anything about that

Q: how can u use religion to deny gay americans equal rights doods

Edwards: i'm conflicted because i know discrimination is wrong but my church and my desire to be elected tell me it's ok

Anderson: did he answer yur question

Rev: yeah but not the answer i wanted

Edwards: i don't like gays but i won't use my beliefs to discriminate

Obama: i like civil unions that would be equality under the law as far as marriage goes that's for the church to decide

Coop-man: dood that makes no sense now let's watch a movie

Q: will u save Darfur?

Richardson: i've been to Darfur i would be very aggressive - - use diplomacy, ask China to be nice also the UN should send it's massive army

Andy C: no fly zone?

Richardson: maybe

Andy: US soldiers?

Bill: no big scary permanent muslim UN Troops

Hillary: no fly zone and sanctions

Andy C: US army troops?

Hillary: no UN troops and African troops dammit we can't even find Osama

Anderson: 12 Citadel grads have been killed in Afghanistan and Iraq did u know that

[ applause!!!! ]

Anderson C: damm i am so fucking cool

Biden: goddammit Bill you're full of crap we should send troops right now - don't laugh at me i'm not kidding - we can save them if we want to only 2,500 troops would do it

Gravel: we need to establish a Global Government and it's sad that African countries don't like us

Anderson: shut up old man

Q: i hated the US invasion of Iraq but the country is newborn little baby what if Russia goes in????

Obama: jeez what a loon obviously i was right this war was a mistake from the beginning if it's too hot for the Iraqi legislature then dammit the American troops can leave for the summer too

Biden: i'm the only one who has offered a solution - that is split the country into three pieces

[ applause ]

Q: how many soldiers will die so Dems can avoid the label that you're weak on defense

Hillary: look we're trying to win Republican support for a pullout -- i asked the Pentagon for the plan to leave and they said i was unpatriotic

Kucinich: simple solution stop funding the war that's it!!

Dodd: we're trying to convince the wackos in Iraq to shape up and they only way to do it is pass a bill telling them to

Richardson: pull all troops out by the end of 2007 - like now

Q: did the troops in Vietnam really die in vain

Gravel: yes all the troops in Vietnam died in vain i was in Hanoi and someone bought me ice cream it was delicious

Cooper: dood that was the Juneau Food Court

Obama: i opposed the war and Hillary and Edwards were in favor of it so suck it

Edwards: we have to force George Bush to change course somehow

Q: Should women register for the draft?

Dodd: absolutely you never know when rivets will pop out

Hillary: sure they should women are serving in Iraq so yeah we may have to draft them

Andy: interesting

Hillary: build a public service academy you know like a female Citadel but with pillow fights

Obama: i luv Tuskeegee airman so yes

Edwards: chicks who fly F-16s are awesome

Gravel: i fillbustered to end the draft in World War One Eugene Debs brought me coffee and emma goldman knit me some pajamas

Q: Arabs states hate girlz so why should u be President

Hillary: because dood i will be the President of the Fucking United States of Kicking Ass and Taking Names and if you want to fuck with me just try it

Andy: wow u r scary

Q: will u meet with the leaders of the Scary Bad Countries

Obama: damm right i would why not Reagan met with teh Commies

Q: Hillary answer the Scary Man question

Hillary: unlike naive Obama i will not promise to meet with these doods i mean why meet with Castro for god's sake

Edwards: what she said

Q: when will we pull all the troopz out of iraq

Dodd: all i can say is i will try to pull out beginning in Jan. 2009

Cooper: so all troops out by Jan 21 2009

Dood: no u idiot i won't be President until then

Richardson: i'm better because i say all troops out before then

Biden: god you are stupid you can't get the troops out in less than six months when i go to iraq i get shot at and that's just by our troops

Andy C: wow

Biden: how do we protect the civilians did you ever even think about this

Hillary: i have a three point plan but Joe is right i have done a lot of this but this whole conversation is stupid the Democrats are not in charge and the Pentagon is not even planning for it so Bill Richardson will you please shut the fuck up

Q: who's yur favorite teacher

Gravel: Horace Mann saw something this young whippersnapper he gave me a slate and taught me the alphabet

Obama: a kenyan lady taught me about teh Circle of Life

Biden: i had a teacher who told me i should president and he was right

Q: No Child Left Behind?

Richardson: get rid of it, it sux it punishes schools for not doing well it's stupid

Biden: i voted for it cause ted kennedy got me drunk one night

Q: Public or Private School

Edwards: all my kids went to public school

Hillary: look Chelsea went to public schools until Bill was the fucking President you schmuck

Obama: it's irrelvant there are fine public schools but there are alos a lot of crappy ones and Senators have a choice but poor people don't always have one

Gravel: let the schools compete like Battle of the Network Stars remember when Jack Benny beat Ed Sullivan!!?

Q: Sex education for your kids

Edwards: my wife is really old you know she was in AARP

Cooper: cool

Edwards: we talk about "wrong touching"

Andy: eeeewww too much

Obama: mitt romney is moron and hypocrite it's all about sexual predators

Q: Al Gore is going to run?

Biden: look I made a humorous quip!

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Dennis Kucinich: Would Create Department of Peace
********************************************************

Barack Obama: Is He Black Enough?
**************************************************************
Hillary Clinton: She Smiles. She Laughs. Do Not Fuck With Her.
**************************************************************

Mike Gravel: Filibustered the Draft in 1917 - Eugene Debs Got Him Coffee
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John Edwards: He's Ready For His Close Up
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Joe Biden: Yoko Ono of Foreign Policy - Wants to Break Up Iraq
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Chris Dodd: Suspects His Daughters May Be Lesbians
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Bill Richardson: It's OK, He's From *New* Mexico
****************************************************************************

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Meet the Press - July 22, 2007

*****************************************************
Meet the Press - July 22, 2007
Guests:
Mike McConnell, Director of National Intelligence
U.S. Senator Russ Feingold
*****************************************************

Russert: ok Mike what should we panic about right now!!!???

Mike McConnell: mass casualties and attacks on vital economic structures - for example they might attack a Wal-Mart

Russert: do they have nukes

McConnell: no but they have access to lighters and blowtorches

Russert: why haven't we been attacked recently

McConnell: cause we have daily conference calls where we discuss new and innovative ways to deliver a mass beat down on muslim ass

Russert: are there sleeper cells here to kill our blond-haired and blue-eyed women?

McConnell: we're not sure so we've put every brown person under surveillance

Russert: your report says Al Qaeda is back and bigger and better than ever!

McConnell: Pakistan appeased Osama bin Laden and gosh darn it now they have a safe haven when Bush heard about it he said well H E double hockey sticks!!

Russert: why can't you capture Osama

McConnell: in my vast experience in intelligence it's easier to find something big like a mountain or aircraft carrier or elephant or something

Russert: could we trade Musharraf for Osama and some draft picks

McConnell: well Bush has named Musharraf a franchise player so we would want at least an all-star, but we feel that Osama's injuries make him less desirable

Russert: is he dead or alive

McConnell: if we get a video we'll have Frist make a diagnosis and get back to you

Russert: do we torture

McConnell: oh heavens to betsy no Bush has ordered that all accounts of torture be labeled aberrations and low level people be punished

Russert: waterboarding yes or no

McConnell: dood i can't give away our best stuff some of it is really cool though

Russert: these are all known terrorists

McConnell: yes and they had information that we really need like how to get the hell out of iraq

Russert: what other secrets do they have

McConnell: one guy knew how the new harry potter book ended

Russert: you should use the Cruciatus Curse

McConnell: don’t think we haven’t tried everything

Russert: but we don’t torture

McConnell: riiiight

[winks at Russert]

McConnell: plus they knew our country’s reputation for torturing people in ghastly ways so they confess before we even get a chance to torture them

Russert: wow score one for the United States of America

McConnell: there is an element of extremism that goes from the Levant to South Africa

Russert: scary

McConnell: AQ has united all these groups of people who hate America

Russert: and now they're active in Iraq when they weren't before

McConnell: that's true but the schools have freshly painted rubble

Russert: which is worse al qaeda or sectarian violence

McConnell: well there is some hot sunni on sunni action but mostly Shia vs. Sunni

Russert: not Al Qaeda? what about what Bush said

McConnell: Al Qaeda is part of sectrarian violence they are committing crimes - why they even ripped the tags off their mattresses

Russert: according the new book you said Bush politicized intelligence - true?

McConnell: right you can't decide what result you want and then go looking for it

Russert: but it's all better now

McConnell: yes it's so refreshing Cheney wants to me to speak truth to power

[ Russert spits out coffee ]

Russert: dood are you talking about Dick Cheney??

McConnell: Saddam killed 300,000 people and then his generals lied to Bush which is just outrageous

Russert: r u hyping intelligence?

McConnell: no cherry picking we're giving it to em straight

Russert: if you say so dood

[ break ]

Russert: Russ Feingold can u end the war

Russ Feingold: a Senate majority just voted to end the war this was my idea and when I first had it it was crazy now i've been vindicated

Russert: well you're a democrat that's your role in life

Feingold: i don't like you Tim Russert

Russert: reporters say if we leave it will be total chaos

Feingold: we've got to get the other countries involved in stabilizing iraq

Russert: what if the whole country explodes!!!

Feingold: dood the US is the cause of instability

Russert: bush wants to stay isn't he right

Feingold: the people of America voted in November to pull out of Iraq so naturally one year later we will be debating how big the troop increase should be

Russert: what are you going to do about it tough guy

Feingold: censure the President and Cheney for the Iraq war, corruption, the illegality…

Russert: don't you suck

Feingold: heck i won the wiretapping battle didn't i

Russert: why do you hate our fine president

Feingold: oh no this is a middle ground course heck most americans want to see Bush impeached

Russert: will right wing wackos like Joe Lieberman vote for it

Feingold: i seriously doubt it but more moderate Republicans like Gordon Brown and Vlad Dracul have expressed interest

[ break ]

Russert: Feingold can't talk sense into Bush

Bob Woodward: what are you going to Bush is the dictator

David Brooks: Bush is amazing he still loves apple pie and democracy and thinks god speaks to him every day

Russert: but Bush lied to get us into war

Brooks: there are alot of Serious Debates in DC right now about how we can avoid admitting the hippies were right

Russert: censure Bush?

Brooks: that would be a big mistake for the Democrats there are some Republicans who are desperate to get away from Bush and this won't let them do that

Russert: um dood i think that's kind of the point

Russert: Cheney is deranged isn't he

Stephen Hayes: last year we had al qeada on the run which proves Bush was right and now that it's stronger than ever that proves Cheney was right

Russert: last throes?

Hayes: yeah he admitted that was wrong given the glaring reality

Russert: he has no doubts

Hayes: no he's right even when he's wrong

Woodward: with due respect to the moron to my right Iraq isn't a Theological Serious Debate it's a fucking war and people are being killed every day

Brooks: dood i suffer to why the other day i got an unripe olive in my martini

Woodward: there is no realistic solution it's up to the rational Republicans to talk sense to Bush

Brooks: i fear 250,000 Iraqis will be killed it's very frustrating to me to watch the debate in DC no one seems to understand Iraq like i do

Russert: when the fuck did you become an expert on the middle east Bobo???

Brooks: are we willing to let 125 US soldiers die every month to save 10,000 Iraqis a month

Hayes: genocide - it’s the new talking point

Woodward: where the fuck did you get the number 10,000 Iraqi lives saved or lost or whatever

Brooks: John Burns and the NIE

Woodward: what a lie my god you are truly full of shit

Brooks: no they said genocide

[ waves hands wildly ]

Woodward: where did you get that number

[Brooks gets up on table takes off his pants and underwear, turns his back to Woodward]

Brooks: here i pulled them out of my ass! Are u happy now dood!?!?

Russert: Bobo please sit down this isn’t Nantucket

Russert: is Cheney an evil psychopath or a deranged villain

Hayes: he's the polar opposite of the cliche he's secretive and works the levers of power

Russert: dood that is the cliche

Hayes: oh

Brooks: it's sad that there is a back channel of power in the White House

Woodward: blame your stupid President moron

Brooks: hey i resent that

Woodward: i can't believe that i - a titan of american journalism - has to share a table with the man who parlayed 'bobos in paradise' into alleged elite iraq punditry

Brooks: i can too talk gud

Woodward: go fuck yourself brooksie before i call mark felt and have you killed
**************************************************************

The Chris Matthews Show - July 22, 2007

**********************************************
The Chris Matthews Show - July 22, 2007
**********************************************

Chris Matthews: Republicans are in total collapse because the Iraq war like Fred Thompson who says he never knew there were other countries until 9/11

David Gregory: unlike Karl Rove i am an expert on Iraq and Bush will reduce troops levels just enough to really put them in even more danger

Katty Kay: looks u idiots bush is still stupid and insane he'll never ever leave Iraq

Chris Matthews: should Rudy show up at all events covered in the dust of dead people?

John Heilemann: yes he's got to be offensive

Gregory: the next president should use business clich├ęs going forward

Matthews: how can my favorite political party succeed

Cynthia Tucker: Republicans should bash the war and then call Democrats traitors to feed the base

Matthews: the right wing base aren't couch potatoes they want to win the war!!

Heilman: they have to run as kindler, gentler cryptofascists

Kay: reducing to 90,000 troops will just be disastrous

Gregory: look we have to keep 50,000 troops there to prevent Iraq from crumbling!

Matthews: awesome

Gregory: Obama has some good ideas too bad he's a dirty liberal i hope Mitt adopts his policies

Heilman: we should leave Iraq

Gregory: no we have to stay i luv this war!!!

Matthews: like my daddy used to say in or out i'm not paying to heat the whole neighborhood!!!

Gregory: America must turn to the Republicans for national security god i hope they do

Cynthia Tucker: they must distance themselves from Bush

Matthews: oh no what if Bill and Hillary become co-presidents!!!???

[ shows long film clip ]

Matthews: the Vice President is gonna be like Vern in "Stand By Me"

Kay: oh i see a chubby loser kid everyone else made fun and who was desperate to be let into the cool kids club house -- gee who does that remind of chris???

Cynthia Tucker: heh heh good one Katty

Matthews: this is amazing bill is comfortable endorsing Hillary even though she's a girl

Tucker: she's walking a tightrope like Obama on race they're the Wallendas of Politics

Matthews: what's wrong with her

Tucker: she's cold and unfeeling

Matthews: this is weird how can a woman be independent from her husband this would never would have happened in the 50s

Kay: dood if u think that's scary look at Edwards his wife has got him on a short leash

Gregory: dood Bill’s the former President anyone would have trouble getting out from under his shadow

Tucker: but he's an amazing campaigner al gore should have used him

Matthews: will america elected los dos equis teh double XX

Kay: no the polls only they say that because people lie

Tucker: women don't always like women

Gregory: i disagree women like women they just don't like this woman

Matthews: tell me something i don't know

Kay: PM Brown dumped the phrase ‘war on terror’ and ‘muslim’ even though we've had attacks because he's all about the love

Gregory: i hope hillary tells the dirty hippies fuck off

Heilman: daniel pearl's family doesn't believe the official version big surprise

Tucker: US crime wave good news for Republicans

Kay: you mean the ones they not actually committing?

Matthews: oooh i hope Fred Thompson runs

Tucker: it's so crazy it just might work

Heilemann: Thompson will get in the race in September and out by November

Matthews: wow it's a campaign not sweeps week
*****************************************************

The McLaughlin Group - July 22, 2007

**************************************************
The McLaughlin Group - July 22, 2007
**************************************************

McLaughlin: all night Senate debate on the war with pizza and cots - who wins???

John Podhoretz: it's a win-win Republicans need to look tough and the Dems need to look like they are trying to end the war

John McLaughlin: but the Dems position is the popular one

Podhoretz: but the Republican party needs to sell the idea that Democrats pulled the rug out from under America's troops it's Rugtosslegende

Tony Blankely: hey 70% the Iraq issue is good for Democrats

Arianna Huffington: look at what happened to John McCain

Podhoretz: that's wrong McCain lost because he has a Bangladeshi baby

McLaughlin: US soldiers in Iraq seem unhappy

Huffington: the media sanitize this war

Blankely: that’s outrageous sure there are a few bad apples in the military but most love America and bush

Eleanor Clift: soldiers are being abused by their country

Blankely: we all know that

McLaughlin: Gates wept for the Lion of Fallujah every evening he writes notes to families saying how much it sucks to be Bush's Sec Def does this piss Bush off

Clift: I don’t think he cares

Pod: that isn't true you bitch

Clift: don't interrupt me asshole

Pod: i will you when you say something defamatory about President

Clift: fuck you dirtbag

Pod: bush cries every night for soldiers

Blankely: he's full of emotion

Clift: look Bush had a meeting with conservative journalists and everyone said how cheerful and upbeat he was

[Podhoertz glares, eyes well up ]

Clift: oh you weren't invited to Bush's little party how sad

[Podhoertz sobs]

McLaughlin: Sen. Vitter caught with hooker

Clift: Vitter is not up until 2010 but the bad news is that we haven't heard the last about Vitter's sins

Podhoertz: the governor once lived with a stripper i love it

Blankley: how does Vitter know that God forgave him cause i use some of that action

Huffington: dood goes on and on about the sanctity of marriage and now this

Blanlely: hey at least it was a woman not a teen boy

McLaughlin: right to privacy?

Podhoertz: no way if he didn't want publicity he shouldn't have chosen a public life and calling that hooker wans't a great idea either

McLaughlin: what about a zone of living your life

Podhoertz: no Vitter is a role model

Huffington: dood good lord for who - the issue is hypocrisy

Blankely: Ted Kennedy once pushed me out of the way at a buffet in DC

McLaughlin: Predictions!

Pod: some scandal brewing a some magazine

Clift: Landrieu is lucky because Vitter has been neutered

Blankely: Obama is in trouble because he wants little kids to have sex

Huffington: Sununu is going to dump Bush

*****************************************************************

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Chris Matthews on Jay Leno - July 18, 2007

***************************************************
Chris Matthews on Jay Leno - July 18, 2007
****************************************************

Leno: ok the Senate is stupid what happened

Matthews: the Republicans hate majority rule so the Dems had to demonstrate it using cots and pizzas to get publicity

Leno: oh ok

Matthews: this war is in this middle of arabia and it really pisses me off I mean it's really really bad!!

[applause]

Leno: but David Brooks says God loves Bush!!!

Matthews: Brooks is a complete fucking moron - you know who also says that? Osama bin Laden I mean where's the fucking humility??? If Bush had ever said he was on a mission from in 2000 he would never have been elected

[applause]

Leno: hmmm interesting

Matthews: you know America is not perfect we elected an actor President and a bodybuilder Governor jesus

Leno: well Arnold is very cool

Matthews: Bush is a big liar - we journalists have to question Bush a little more and not treat all politicians as if they dispense the truth

[applause]

Matthews: at every step of the way Bush and his cult have lied they lied on WMD, they lied on Iraq attacking us on 9/11 they lied about abu ghraib, we have to stop calling them Daddy

Leno: but that's what you do

Matthews: i know but I'm in recovery now

Leno: good for you it's like pundit rehab

Matthews: yeah i'm off the wagon of bullshit

Leno: what do u think of the candidates

Matthews: Rudy was a guy covered in dust, McCain is a guy wandering around in a flak jacket, Fred Thompson's is a guy in a recliner, Romney is a perfect guy,

Leno: wow u are hypnotically weird

Matthews: Obama needs to get into a street fight with Hillary

Leno: who is going to win

Mattews: we're going to go over to the cold side of the pillow but the Democrats are also evil so it's scary

Leno: who will the nominees be

Matthews: Subway Series baby take the Seven Train it's gonna be Hillary vs. Rudy !!!
******************************************************************

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Meet the Press - July 15, 2007

*******************************************************
Meet the Press - July 15, 2007
Host: Tim Russert
Guests: Sen. Jim Webb, Sen. Lindsey Graham
*******************************************************

Russert: dood are you trying to run the war

Webb: there is no war it's a botched occupation

Russert: wow sacrilege

Webb: it's all happened just like we all said we would it's a total disaster Congress has take over

Russert: yur trying to take Bush's pet war away from him aren't you - you heartless bastard

Webb: no way we're trying to impose some rational limits on Commander Crazy Person

Russert: Republicans are fleeing this war

Lindsay: i have personally declared our old strategy of hiding behind walls over our new strategy of hiding behind tanks is much better

Russert: excellent

Lindsay: this is a gigantic struggle it’s really World War Three the muslims wants to create a Caliphate from Baghdad to Nashville we must wipe out extremism by killing as many people as possible

Russert: what medications are you on dood cause i wants some

Webb: look i used to be Undersecretary of Defense- they have no strategy - what ever you want to do - even if you want to stay you have to be sensible

Russert: proxy war with Iran?

Webb: jesus the stupid is really up and in us this morning Iraq is a recruiting tool for al qaeda and no we are not in a fucking proxy war with iran

Russert: you really love killing don't you Lindsey

Graham: hey war sucks but i am not going to sit here and listen to you bad-mouth the troops of America

Russert: oh noes he’s got u there Webby

Linsdey: how dare people politicize a war Caesar Petraeus is America's Dictator is he wants to wear a purple robe that's his business

Graham: i'm buying a summer home in Al Anbar it rulz

Russert: i'll stay with Nantucket

Graham: number one enemy is al qaeda in Iraq they came to our 51st state Iraq because they hate America and McDonalds

Russert: what's Ramadi like

Graham: Petreaus moved in with an Iraqi family it's fun

Russert: excellent

Graham: Smash! Kill!

Webb: the loons like Graham are completely out of touch thankfully even most Republicans understand we have to face reality

Russert: is this World War Three

Webb: Al Qaeda doesn't hate democracy there is no democracy in Iraq for god’s sake they came to Iraq because they Americans are there

Russert: but Lieberman sez this war is so much fun

Webb: fuck him he thinks 500,000 American troops should occupy all of the middle east

Lindsay: god bless the troops Jim Webb why do you hate God and America ???

Webb: oh fuck you

Linsday: have you ever talked to soldiers they all love George W. Bush and Republicans

Webb: they polled the soldiers and they don't actually like Bush

Graham: oh screw em then

Webb: my family has served since 1776 and we don't even ask why anymore

Graham: God Bless God and the Lord and Jesus and this Glorious Christian Crusade

[break]

Murphy: McCain is going to run what we in the business call a "low budget campaign"

Novak: Romney 1.0, Muskie, all these losers i've seen them all McCain is just another one

Russert: Al you're older than Novak what do u think

Hunt: McCain’s a young whippersnapper but it's very sad he’s a real hero

Shrum: he tried to run as Bush that's a bad idea

Murphy: it's still early he could be a loser for several months

Novak: doods he is hated on every issue - global warming, stem cells, dammitt he wants to crack down on roaming Vampires - we can't have that!!

Murhphy: people are stupid so McCain could still win

Russert: Rudy is a cross-dressing liberal and hated by NYC firefighters

Firefighter: Rudy took away our radios and more than 100 soldiers were killed

Russert: let me here quote Rudy saying he only killed those firefighters because they were communists

Shurm: he's got the reverse midas touch he only hires criminals and perverts sure that works in NYC and Florida but not in Iowa

Novak: dood let me clue you in - "swift boating" works

Hunt: Rudy can take a punch - i know i asked his ex-wives

Murphy: he's going to run promising a new 9/11 every year he is president people may not want that

Russert: let me report on the covers of Newsweek and Time as it that were news in and of itself its all very meta cocktail party shit

Shrum: Bill and Hillary are all about nostalgia and Obama is real change

Murphy: If someone asked Robert Redford if he wanted to make a movie with Brad Pitt he would say no

Russert: stupid he did it was called "Spy Game"

Murphy: oh

Novak: [puts down glass of fresh blood] the people like Bill Clinton put alot of people also hate him

Russert: like who hates him??

Novak: me and all my vampire friends

Hunt: i think hillary is doing pretty well she is the front runner - except Obama is this crazy phenomenon i don't know what's going on i reminds me of when i fought in Gettysburg

Russert: dood why do they call you teh Prince of Darkness

Novak: back in the 1950s I went on a killing spree in Washington

Russert: one of the first serial killers

Novak: right

Russert: Rove confirmed Armitage's leak

Novak: plus the PR guy at the CIA said yeah she worked there

Russert: are you a traitor to America

Novak: if anyone was killed because of what i said i don't know but look Bush said it was ok so whatever

Russert: bush covered this up

Novak: no Armitage was the fall guy so why didn't Fitz charge anyone

Russert: where i come from we fight over women in DC people got drunk and fight over tax policy

Novak: dood you are from Washington get real

Russert: you used Eagleton to smear McGovern

Shurm: what a trainwreck that guy was let tell you I'm still glad i was on McGovern's side we lost but at least we didn't go to prison like Watergate aides

Russert: you identified your confidential sources because they are dead

Novak: we can argue about it in heaven

Russert: dood i hate to break it to you but aren't going to heaven

***************************************************

The Chris Matthews Show - July 15, 2007

***********************************************************
The Chris Matthews Show - July 15, 2007
***********************************************************

Chris Matthews: Bush is failing what's up with that

David Gregory: the people don't give a shit about Commander Stupid anymore

Matthews: he lives in a bubble

Gregory: yeah they've promised more killing to mollify the faithful

Matthews: let's blame those dirty fucking Iraqis

Katty Kay: Bush is like a dog he can hear the sounds of success no one else can hear

Matthews: Iraqis all hate each other

Cynthia Tucker: Bush is now moving the goalposts - soon our mission will be to leave an Iraq that is hot, dusty and violent

Matthews: i will gladly eat a hamburger today if you give me another one tomorrow

Lizza: they all blame the generals but it's a dodge

Matthews: really i'm dumbfounded

Ryan Lizza: dood of course Bush is charge

Matthews: he's shopping at "Generals R Us"

Gregory: he's didn't deliver democracy he's deliverd Shiite rule it's completely insane

Lizza: democracy is yesterday's crap theme

Matthews: it's all Al Qaeda

Kay: dood that's stupid

Matthews: he only listens to sycophants

Gregory: there has to be a bipartisan mission to get Bunnypants to see reality

Matthews: how?

Gregory: have James Baker and Lee Hamilton stage a coup

Matthews: one year from now what happens

Tucker: Bush will never ever ever change

Matthews: will he buckle

Gregory: yes a dramatic refocusing

Lizza: no way dood

Kay: we’ll be in Iraq at least 10 years

Matthews: McCain had a very strategy of embracing Bush, the wingnuts, neocons and illegal aliens -- incredibly that's not a winning strategy

Gregory: what a dweeb

Matthews: he's got such an edge to him he's sexy

Gregory: eeewwwww

Matthews: i really admire how they believe in a disastrous war

Tucker: he's a war hero and that really hurts you among Republican voters they don't trust people like that

Kay: people like you developed a man-crush on him years ago and you and Gregory say he doesn't pay attention to polls well then why did he go to Falwell's University??

Matthews: ouch

Kay: stop playing with your dicks and look at his record

Lizza: dood whenever a politician does something unpopular they always say they're acting on principle and not paying attention to polls

Matthews: can he make a comeback

Gregory: oh definitely

Kay: oh please

Gregroy: [ raising his voice ] yes he can! Look at our responsibility to completely remake the Middle East damitt!!

Matthews: who picks up the shards of his shattered campaign

Tucker: no one it’s like walking on broken glass

Gregory: Bush's people now regret they didn't take up the Baker-Hamilton idea

Matthews: wow why didn't they

Gregory: because they luv telling people with good ideas to fuck off

Lizza: Obama got 250,000 donors by counting a bumper sticker purchase as a donation

Matthews: ooh i want one of those he's handsome

Katty Kay: [ smacks forehead ]

*******************************************************

The McLaughlin Group Brought to You By AARP

****************************************************
The McLaughlin Group Brought to You By AARP
****************************************************

McLaughlin: Al Qaeda has a safe haven in Pakistan and they are ready to stage a spectacular attack

Pat Buchanan: dood we've made a lot of progess after all we've elected Republicans that's good

Eleanor Clift: this is a total disaster they even have training camps and DVDs

Tony Blankley: well Al Qeada is getting really really powerful and we're not safe an attack is right around the corner!!

Arianna Huffington: we've actually regressed we're stuck in Iraq allowing Al Qaeda to regroup in Afghanistan and Pakistan

McLaughlin: bush is trying to mollify Republicans having this story put out there

Blankely: it was andrea mitchell and we know she is a liberal because he is a woman reporter

Clift: Bush sucks iraq helps Osama

Buchanan: that's right

Blankely: someday you will all find out we Live In A Dangerous World

Clift: oh for god's sake where do you idiots learn to talk like that some Hogwarts for Neocons or something???

Huffington: Bush is impervious to facts he just repeats the Big Lie

McL: why is al qaeda winning

Buchanan: the iraq war

Clift: the iraq war

Blankely: the iraq war also we haven't violated civil liberties enough

Huffington: Afghanistan isn’t won yet

Buchanan: tony is right we shouldn't have invaded Iraq - curse those damm liberals!!!

McL: doesn't a terror attack help Bush

Clift: it would have before but not anymore

Buchanan: Chertoff got smacked down by liberals and Tony Snow - nice going dood

McLaughlin: 62% of Americans think the war was a mistake even Republicans want to get out could Baker-Hamilton be the answer??

Clift: Bush is playing for time until the report he has control over comes out in September

Huffington: Bush is completely irrational dood

McL: how do you explain him

Huffington: Bush is a complete fanatic

Buchanan: Bush is a true believer that leaving Iraq would be a geostrategic disaster such a deep thinker he is

Blankely: look who among us can question the military judgment of a loser businessman who ran the PR office of a baseball team

McL: Surge is a total failure

McL: Surgeon General says Bushies alter science to serve right wing ideology is all this an impeachable offense

Huffington: of course but that takes a lot of effort

Blankely: the President is right to change science which has a liberal bias

Buchanan: anyone who oppose nazi rule is a crybaby

McL: it's a Cult of Personality
********************************************************

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Michael Moore on Larry King; Scarborough and Matthews on La-Z-Boy

An abbreviated Michael Moore and Sanjay Gupta on Larry King from July 10, 2007

Bonus: Chris Matthews waxes rhapsodic about La-Z-Boy chairs on Scarborough.

Scarborough in the Morning, MSNBC - July 10, 2007

Scarborough: David Vitter's wife said she would Bobbitt him dood

Matthews: I'm on his side

Scar: he's a good guy

Matthews: oh yeah he's handled it really well

Scar: pleaz speak ill of Hillary

Matthews: he's gotta say 'hey every time Hillary sees me she crosses the street' after all just she does with me

Scar: he's gotta to take the gloves off

Matthews: he's acts all pure and nice and shit he's in a trap where he can never be mean and we know Hillary is tough

Scar: poor rick lazio would be the president if not for the Clinton machine

Matthews: Obama is black so I'll give him an analogy he can understand he's got to call a foul like in the NBA

Scar: get into a fight with her

Matthews: meet hillary on a street corner some night

Scar: what happened to your luv for John McCain?

Matthews: Mitt Romney is perfect looking, very pristine, and handsome - the man you marry and have kids with and regret and develop a drinking problem; Fred Thompson is more like my perfect rough and neat-smelling daddy who I still won't admit abused me; Rudy Giuliani is more like my tough bad boy boyfriend who loves only himself; McCain is like the boy I took to the prom and who is now a soldier in Iraq and no one cares about anymore.

Scar: dood u really do have teh active imagination

Matthews: i luv to think of Fred Thompson in a comfortable Lazy Boy chair - I could crawl up in his lap and he could tell me stories about how Rudy saved American and John McCain single handedly fought the war in Iraq

Scar: John Ridley is telling me my good buddy David Vitter is in fact a big sanctimonious hypocrite so i gotta go

***************************************************************************

Michael Moore and Sanjay Gupta on Larry King - July 10, 2007

Sanjay Gupta: aaawwww poor widdle loved ones fooled by michael moore when France is drowning in taxes and they have a deficit!!!!

Moore: u just quoted my own movie man oh man you a complete fucking idiot

Gupta: wow im so cool i rendered Michael Moore speechless

Moore: im just trying to avoid using the word mother and fucker too close together dood

Gupta: i'm not saying i disagree with you michael i'm just saying yur fat

Moore: actually dood i luv america we put on the man on the moon and defeated the nazis before Commander Stupid came along

Gupta: yeah but people will still die under yur system micheal do you deny that!!!

King: people die why

Gupta: dood there's lots of lazy uninsured peeple plus michel moore is still fat

King: will u finally loose wait dood

Moore: no dood if i do there will still be 40 million people in america waiting forever to get shit

Gupta: eh i suppose anyone can nit pick but what if the very fat michel moore needs a new heart

Moore: dood do i get fictional insurance in yur scenario

King: do u regret anything

Moore: i should't have pulled Wolfe's beard but man that guy was getting to me

Gupta: I’m not biased look at my nice smile

Moore: yur a whore

Gupta: i asked that dood and he said he wasn't biased what more could i do

King: coming up prison and sex could be a hot one!!!eart where is he gonna go


*****************************************************************************

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Meet The Press on NBC - July 8, 2007

***********************************************************
Meet The Press on NBC - July 8, 2007
Guest Host: David Gregory
Guests: Sen. Chuck Hagel, Eugene Robinson, Todd Purdum, Ann Kornblut, David Brooks
***********************************************************

NotRussert: 518 troops have been killed since The Surge began and Bush is moving the goalposts what's up

Chuck Hagel: the violence is totally uncontrollable and we're stuck in the middle of a civil war

Gregory: wow

Hagel: there is no military solution - we have to make a political effort

Gregory: but dood we haven't killed enough people yet!

Hagel: that’s true but violence begats violence i read that in a fortune cookie once

Gregory: how is the Iraqi government

Hagel: the Maliki government is in the crapper

Gregory: no one is showing up for Cabinet meetings and the Sunnis are boycotting

Hagel: we can't control uncontrollables

Gregory: a-ha

Hagel: look dood the republicans are fleeing this war so I have to tell you that now really its over

Gregory: so sad

Hagel: also our military is coming to a crashing halt everyone knows it but Prime Minister Stupid in Chief

Gregory: hey i know that dood

Hagel: time to put the hammer down!

Greogry: but we can’t just leave - I haven’t won a Pulitzer yet

Hagel: we still have a role to play - for instance we've been undermining our interests in the Middle East, we could keep doing that but in a safe way

Gregory: sounds good to me

Hagel: we took our eye off the ball which is extremism

Gregory: support a timeline to withdraw?

Hagel: we need a phased withdraw

Gregroy: set our phasers on stun?

Hagel: dood if we don't pull out now we will be in big deep hole

Gregory: leave iraq yes or no

Hagel: it can't be the Dirty Hippie Withdrawal it has to be Withdrawal + Plus Killing

Gregory: oh good I’d hate to do it right

Hagel: Bush is a idiot who rejected Baker - Hamilton you see it's a Safe Harbor for Senators to hide behind why Bush did not seize on it I have no idea

Gregory: he's a moron?

Hagel: uh yeah - look I talked to career military officers and they say it will take a full generation to recover from the disastrous Bush presidency

Gregory: age of aquarius dood

Hagel: we don't wins hearts and minds by killing people and weakening our military

Gregory: but if we leave it will be a mess in Iraq

Hagel: what the fuck dood are you high it's a fucking mess right now who the fuck are we kidding

Gregory: the Joe Lieberman Weekly sez you turned against Vietnam because of all the lies

Hagel: Edifice of Distortion

Greogry: dood that would make a great name for a rock group

Hagel: yes it was all a pack of lies and stupid decisions - we all know that the problem is people don't trust the President and he is done

Gregory: are you saying Bush is an untrustworthy fucker

Hagel: no i simply believe that he is certifiably insane

Gregory: oh ok

Hagel: he has 90 days to prove that he is not a mass murderer call it the Hagel Dialectic

Gregory: do you believe Bush luvs killing

Hagel: Bush sayz he's the Decider or some such nonsense but we can cut off the money or frankly resort to impeachment

Gregory: would you impeach

Hagel: not today but then i haven't got any articles right in front of me - hint hint

Gregory: 90 days?

Hagel: Bush must surrender to non-morons on Capitol Hill or we will introduce him to little thing called fucking reality

Gregory: dood you held a press conference to announce you might run for President but were not at that time then u had dinner with Mayor Bloomberg what's up

Hagel: i will decide in the next 60 days call it the Hagelberg Unit

Gregory: r u independent

Hagel: [ twiddles thumbs looks at ceiling ]

Gregory: dood yur so coy

Hagel: hey u never know god knows the Republican party is teh suck

Gregory: what will happen in 60 dayz

Hagel: i have to find out if people hate me or luv me or know who the hell i am

Gregory: yur like a smart version of john McCain

Hagel: heh what a fucking idiot he is

Gregory: will u endorse someone

Hagel: i may vote for Joe Biden or Chris Dodd

Gregory: dood c'mon!!

Hagel: i know it's sad but look the people think the country is on the wrong track so i would luv to run as independent by my problem is just how do you get 270 electoral votes

Gregory: u could just cheat like George Bush

[ break ]

Gregory: scooter libby pardon yes or no

Hagel: totally wrong the Founders did not want Presidents to engage in selective justice just when you thought Bush couldn't sink any lower there he goes

Gregory: David Brooks you wrote the stupidest column in human history this week are mentally ill, on drugs, or are you just a complete fucker??

David Brooks: well Libby’s career was ruined and his reputation was shot, so really isn't that enough he is a white man after all

Todd Purdum: worst decision ever now every person convicted of the same crime can also not go to jail jesus christ

Eugene Robinson: Libby's only supporters were Beltway reporters who luv outing CIA agents

Gregory: was Libby blackmailing Bush?

Robinson: David Brooks is a moron -- the judge, jury, DOJ, prosecutor were all Republicans the only politics was the commutation itself

Gregory: ok let's spend the rest of the panel bashing Hillary and The Cleins!!!!!!!

Panel: we luv it!

Gregory: Ha ha so fun Marc Rich Marc Rich Marc Rich Marc Rich!!!!!!

Kornblut: omg i had kittenz when she mentioned “justice” Hillary had several people murdered and Clinton pardoned Osama Bin Laden i mean me and the other reporters were like wow

David Brooks: the bottom line is whether yur a liberal or conservative the truth is nothing is illegal inside the Beltway

Gregory: Kinsley made a interesting point which is perjury is okay if you're defending an illegal war

Eugene Robinson: well that's very cute i wonder what fucking planet are you all from it's the call the jury system -- should we not have that anymore because the black community would love to hear that

Brooks: because Republicans lied about this that means everyone was dishonest

Gregory: wow how do you figure

Brooks: prosecutors should not prosecute people its crazy

Gregory: what’s the Bill Factor

Kornblut: they tried to diminish Bill Clinton’s glamour they dressed him like Ward Cleaver

Greogry: but that didn't work because we all want him back as President

Purdum: are we really ready for another 8 years of peace and prosperity - i mean she's just like Bush except not

Gregory: Obama is black and white it's crazy!!!

Robinson: Obama doesn't have enough experience being married to a President who had sex with an intern behind his back leading him to move to a strange state and run for the Senate

Brooks: Obama never takes the cheap shot in debates its hurting him

Gregory: McCain is running the suckiest campaign ever

Purdum: he's not trying to pander to people anymore he still supports the war

Gregory: he had no more money

Purudm: last year he had a private jet and last week he was seen in Row 29 of a coach

Gregory: on a commercial airline wow?

Purdum: no Greyhound dood

Brooks: look the Republican party is falling apart everyone hates them

Gregory: Fred Thompson you know Tweety Matthews luvs him

Robinson: he's just a stupid fad

Purdum: Republicans have to sink really low and get pragmatic to have a chance in 2008

Gregory: so sad

Purdum: you got the cross dresser, the nutjob, the mormon,

Kornblut: the people are enthused for the Democrats heck even Chris Dodd

Gregory: david brooks tell us about Iraq

Brooks: in September they will announce they have won in Baghdad and flee for their lives

Robinson: yeah bush will withdraw from Iraq also hell will freeze over and bloggers will fly out of my ass

Purdum: Bush is in mental collapse

Gregory: What is Bush’s deal is he crazy

Kornblut: Bush believes he is on a mission from God

Gregory: we’re all doomed and out of time
****************************************************************

This Week With George Stephanopoulos on ABC -- July 8, 2007

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This Week With George Stephanopoulos on ABC
July 8, 2007
Guests: Ron Paul, Mike Gravel, Fareed Zakaria, Katrina vanden Heuvel, Rich Lowry
*******************************************************************

Stephanopoulos: Ron Paul you have more $$$ than John McCain what's up

Ron Paul: there are a lot of Americans who actually like freedom and oppose invading Iraq, who knew??!!

Stephanopoulos: you want to leave Iraq but don't we have a responsibility to all the Iraqis who love us and wanted us to invade

Paul: dood we have responsibility to Americans besides the people who now say it would be a disaster said the invasion would be a cakewalk

Stephanopoulos: but that’s so risky

Paul: unlike invading Iraq

Stephanopoulos: more Republicans are coming to your side

Paul: if they don't they will lose elections

Stephanopoulos: Rudy says you said we invited the 9/11 attacks

Paul: the 9/11 commission agrees with me and so does Paul Wolfowitz

Stephanopoulos: any regrets about saying we were attacked because we have a presence in the middle east

Paul: no Rudy is a just a fucking demagogue

Stephanopoulos: do you think Rudy knows better

Paul: well he's a moron and a weirdo but he knows better now

Stephanopoulos: you're an isolationist

Paul: no i want to trade with people and be friends did you know that invading Iraq was a great gift to Osama bin Laden

Stephanopoulos: why are you running as a Republican

Paul: dood i was elected to Congress as 10 times as a Republican -- why shouldn't I

Stephanopoulos: you're a crank who won't interact with the government

Paul: that's how i roll

Stephanopoulos: you can't possibly win

Paul: are you willing to bet all the money you have on that

Stephanopoulos: yes

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: Mike Gravel yur completely crazy what's up

Gravel: no i throw rocks in the lake and its like throwing rocks at the Democratic party

Stephanopoulos: you say the other candidates are immoral

Gravel: they should end the war right now if they don't it's morally wrong

Stephanopoulos: dood you want indict the President in a court of law

Gravel: damm right

Stephanopoulos: they don't have the votes

Gravel: yes they do because i say they do

Stephanopoulos: dood you were a crank during the Vietnam war too

Gravel: yes i could have gone to jail for what i did

Stephanopoulos: you say all former war supporters are not qualified but that knocks out everyone but Obama

Gravel: no it disqualifies Obama too because he hasn't personally had Bush arrested and dragged through the streets

Stephanopoulos: dood why don't you do it then

Gravel: i would but Matlock is on five days a week on TBS!!!

Stephanopoulos: you seem to be having fun

Gravel: no i'm mad because everyone else is immoral but me

Stephanopoulos: dood that's stupid you can't win

Gravel: i will win

Stephanopoulos: yur just in it for attention

Gravel: that's how you win dood

Stephanopoulos: so yur so delusional you think you can win

Gravel: bet you 5 bees on it

[ break ]

Steph: scooter libby commutation yes or no

Rich Lowry: a full pardon would have been better but I believe that the jury was wrong, also wrong were the Dept. of Justice, Fitzgerald, the Republican judge, the american people, reality, facts, gravity, the sun, moon stars, Jesus and God

Katrina vanden Heuvel: it’s crony justice - look every american gets it, he did his buddy a favor in the face of his conviction and also he pardoned a guy who can finger him

Fareed Zakaria: this may have been wrong but the independent counsel statute is also wrong and what's the deal with this monarchical pardon tradition, get rid of it

Lowry: white beltway pundits shouldn't have to follow the law

Heuvel: remember how Bush mocked karla fay tucker he has no real compassion for people who have not sworn fealty to him

Stephanopoulos: should they hold hearings

Heuvel: yes expose the consipiracy!

Lowry: what she says just proves my point Dick Armitage was a liberal ACLU bush-hater ergo Nadine Strossen should be arrested

Zakaria: dood he was convicted of a crime in a court of law

Lowry: no look the magic words "criminalization of politics" means that no white man can ever go to jail for anything -- its the new "abracadabra"

Stephanopoulos: all the money going to Democrats

Lowry: so true the energy is with the Dems

Heuvel: no its the 'ideas primary' Dems talk about health care and Republicans talk about best methods of torture

Stephanopoulos: we should compromise and have a National Torture Plan

Lowry: i say that’s a capital idea

Stephanopoulos: i wuz just kidding

Heuvel: Baker-Hamilton could be the beginning of a withdrawal but it's also not a great idea

Lowry: Democrats are still split too between some who want to leave totally and those who are afraid of looking weak

Steph: i've noticed that

Lowry: isn’t it ironic is we're winning in Iraq right now!!!

Zakaria: only if yur Alaniz Morizzette

************************************************************************

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Hardball with Chris Matthews - July 5, 2007

*********************************************************
Hardball with Chris Matthews - July 5, 2007
Guests: Bruce Willis, Ron Christie, Mark Halperin, April Ryan, Robert Wuhl
*********************************************************

Chris Matthews: bruce willis dood you are so sexy do you like the war of terror

Bruce Willis: dood this is just like WWII when the Japanese invaded Poland

Matthews: so true dood

Willis: osama reminds me of that dood in schindler's list

Matthews: hitler

Willis: whatever dood

Matthews: ur an expert on cyberterror

Willis: no i'm not dood

Matthews: you are real hero i luv you i want to be a real fake citizen warrior like u

Willis: i would fight for my country even if it meant spilling my latte on Rodeo Drive

Matthews: the real heroes are not the actors or producers they are of course the stuntmen

Willis: yes so many have made the ultimate sacrifice i mean of course like doing off-broadway theater

Matthews: when people die it's sad

Willis: yeah dead people should be helped its very american to offer people aid after they have been killed

Matthews: even the Moonies think Bush went to far in letting Scooter off

Christie: sentence was way excessive how dare he pursue a criminal charge against a guilty man so sad

Shrum: ha ha ha ha oh wow let me explain something this was pure Cheneyism which means they were obstructing justice to cover up Bush's crimes

Christie: there is nothing to hide blah blah blah

Shrum: oh for fuck's sake

Matthews: but Clinton has all these crimes on his rap sheet why would he weigh in

Shrum: oh fuck you

Matthews: Cisneros was teh big liar but not tied to Bill Clinton and Christie you Crazy-Eyed freak really have to stop coming on my show and stop babbling nonsense

Matthews: ok let's hear from one of the least funny men on the entire planet Robert Wuhl

Wuhl: thanx dood

Matthews: did u nail kim basinger yes or no

Wuhl: yes

Matthews: dood watch out alec baldwin is one crazy dood

The Clintons: Libby pardon wuz illegal and wrong

Matthews: the Clintons are pure evil do you agree

Halperin: you know me what do you think dood i sleep with a George W Bush pillow

Matthews: dood i have one of those

Halperin: hillary is evil she is planning to run for preznit its terrible

April Ryan: anyone who ever pardons anyone is terrible by definition also anyone married to them is guilty too

Matthews: Robert Wuhl will u at least take my hint and hate on the Clintons

Wuhl: it's all a game and no one cares or will remember all this

Matthews: i care

[break]

Matthews: Al Gore killed several people over the weekend will that hurt his chances for President?

Wuhl: most people in Hollywood have killed someone while driving speaking as an actor his real crime is gainging too much weight

Matthews: let me defend the Bush Twins they never killed anyone as far as I know like their dad

Halperin: Gore's life is too fucking good to want to subject himself to scrutiny of Bobblespeaking pundits

Matthews: he is a superstar

April Ryan: he even made Bush admit global warming is real that's pretty amazing

Matthews: thats a good cause my air conditioning bill is outta control

Matthews: edwards can't be the President because he got an expensive haircut

Wuhl: this is not a big story

Matthews: Hah!

Wuhl: Republicans have no principles and Democrats have no spines

Matthews: hes the Breck girl

Halperin: i'm rich and i'm a populist on the other hand Edwards has admitted he once kicked a homeless man on his way to the salon

Matthews: thanx we're out of time
*************************************************************************

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Countdown with Keith Olbermann - July 3, 2007

****************************************************
Countdown with Keith Olbermann
July 3, 2007
Guests: Richard Wolffe, David Shuster, Jonathan Turley
****************************************************
For Keith’s Special Comment, click here: Keith Olberman’s Special Comment - Mr. Bush, Resign!

Richard Wolffe: i've met Bush i'm beginning to suspect he is an immoral soulless incompetent fucker

Keith: is this the end for Bush?

Wolffe: no this proves that bush is courageous because he bucks the pollz heh heh heh

Keith: sum it up “he pardoned his buddy” every American gets it

Wolffe: lucky for bush his pet project iraq is going so well ha ha ha ha

Keith: dood where's the luv for our Prez heh

Wolffe: he really is a fucker isn't he

Wolffe: dood Bush consulted a wide group of people about the commutation - god and jeebus and and dick cheney heh heh

Keith: is Cheney in charge

Wolfe: no one can tell but let me tell u Cheney bugged Bush's phone back in 2000 so u figure it out

Keith: friends of libby he should walk because no one was charged with outing Plame

Shuster: jesus investigators could not charge someone with a crime because Libby COVERED UP the crimes up

Keith: was there an original crime committed

Shuster: of course there was as crime as the CIA well knew

Keith: Okay

Shuster: also i might add perjury and obstruction of justice ARE FUCKING CRIMES

Olbermann: they say she Plame was not undercover

Shuster: DOOD SHE WUZ FUCKING COVERT

Olbermann: but probation board said no jail

Shuster: yur 0-5 thats another lie Bush judges so no way dood

Olbermann: are the Bushies all liars

Shuster: They are Really Big Liarz so much so that we must assume he was blackmailing Bush

Olbermann: obstruction of justice isn't a crime is it?

Shuster: it's considered incredibly serious - gee I can't imagine why, unless yur, u know… interested in fucking JUSTICE

Olbermann: was this about squeezing information from Scooter-man

Jonathan Turley: moot point when u have immunity u must testify

Olberman: is cheney a vampire

Turley: Libby’s defense was originally going to throw Cheney under the bus and all of a sudden they didn’t even present a defense and were laughing like those doods who killed those civil rights workers kids

Olbermann: that is fucking appalling

Turley: u know bush has the right commute and guess what congress has the same constitutional right to impeach and they don't need to give a damm reason either

Olbermann: but this was principle ha ha

Turley: look Bush is the dood who is in ecstasy at the thought of an electrocution call me skeptical that he's troubled at 30 months in prison
*********************************************************************

Hardball with Chris Matthews - July 3, 2007

****************************************************
Hardball with Chris Matthews - July 3, 2007
Guests: Bob Bennett, Kate O’Beirne, Chris Cillizza, April Ryan, Pat Buchanan
****************************************************
Chris Matthews: you’re the lawyer for Judy Miller irony she went to jail for a long time and here Scooter walks

Bob Bennett: it’s crazy poor judy never wrote a story and she still went to jail

Matthews: caged heat dood

Matthews: Bush commuted but didn’t pardon so Scooter could still take the 5th and keep Bush’s secrets

Bennett: I'm not a cynic like you i'm getting the vapors at the suggestion that bush is blackmailing Scooter

Matthews: christ dood even i'm not that phony

Bennett: nuttiness runs in my family

Bennett: i just don't get it he's left the issue alive politically

Matthews: it’s the only thing about bush’s presidency that isn’t dead

Bennett: i find it strange - i would have Scooter Libby killed but times have changed i guess

Matthews: who's the winner in all this?

Bennett: scooter libby stupid

Matthews: will the people be outraged

Bennett: Special prosecutor lawrence walsh was so outrageous the whole nation felt that cap weinberger was teh innocent!!!

Matthews: bush said he agreed with the jury but then said judge walton is an activist liberal and so was way totally unfair

Bennett: it’s incredibly nutty what fucking standard was bush using

Matthews: dood teh white male standard

Bennett: I luv that one

Matthews: I visited my BFF Judy Miller in jail it was so Dickensenian the kids with coal on their faces and the debtors selling matchsticks and it was so cold and poor little judy sitting there half naked and freezing and her bosoms heaving i wept the tears of the truly wrought in despair

Bennett: i sense a Tweetygasm i'm leaving

Matthews: scooter got a number prison number ncc-1701A what do you say to 1701B???

Bennett: "sux to be u dood"

Matthews: Scooter Libby wuz Assistant to the President dammitt Bush acts like he some poor unknown victim of an old crazy law

Bennett: Scooter has lost so much after all his reputation is gone - if only he hadn't been caught

Matthews: can he join the bar?

Bennett: now he can pretend that he was never even convicted of a crime

Matthews: dood he should boast about it if he wants to work for the Neocons!
[break]

Bush [on tape]: will i have Scooter killed? wait and see

Kate O'Beirne: it scooter had been in a jail which as we all know is for black people it would have been a travesty

Matthews: pardon yes or no

O'Beirne: total outrage for a cop to investigate a crime what kind of world are we living in???

Chris Cillizza: criminy there are hundreds of people serving 5 years in prison for the same crime and bush and announces its excessive he's impacted prosecutions all over America it's fucking insane!!

O'Beirne: oh i don’t disagree with the jury but you know reasonable can differ so we had better let the white man out of jail just in case

Matthews: what the fuck are you saying???

O'Beirne: well bush is a little stupid so i have to kind of argue around him what he said

Cillizza: it was Republicans all the way you cannot argue that this was politicized

O'Beirne: no it was politicized because Fitzgerald invoked the Vice President

Cillizza: dood the VP was one of the criminals!

O'Beirne: Hillary can't say anything because they hounded Cisneros and Espy and Clinton admitted he committed perjury!!

Matthews: he did not you're such a fucking liar!!

O'Beirne: no Clinton admitted it whereas there is no proof that Scooter was even guilty!!!

Cilizza: you lying nutjob he was convicted by a jury and that still means something in America

O'Beirne:

[ uncomprehending stare ]

April Ryan [on tape]: can we expect an apology from Bush

Snow: fuck you

Ryan: gee thanks bastard

Matthews: man is that guy a dick or what

Ryan: asshole of the first order, yes

Matthews: Snow is an evil fucker

Ryan: centrist republicans are worried

Norm Pearlstine: this is a fucking cover up jeebus christ it's called "obstruction of justice" oh well, they only enforce the laws of the land, no big deal

Matthews: Bush is blackmailing Libby

Pearlstine: damm right he is

Buchanan: [rolls off his MSNBC couch]

Matthews: Scooter the Mute

Buchanan: all those war party mongers fear the Scooter and what he knows

Matthews: ooh dark politics

Buchanan: dood u can talk Bush into anything he's so dumb

Pearlstine: cowardly big baby hid teh announcement

Matthews: lesson?

Norm: Federal shield law!!

Matthews: have a safe 4th of july unless yur in iraq then just hope yur not one of the 2 or 3 guys who get kilt
****************************************************

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Meet The Press - July 1, 2007

*************************************************
Meet The Press - July 1, 2007
Guests: Michael Chertoff, Senator Pat Leahy
*************************************************

Russert: London, Glasgow - Chertoff should we panic??

Chertoff: we have taken steps for example to protect America for example i plan to keep repeating the word "homeland"

Russert: anything else

Chertoff: yes put more men with guns on airplanes

Russert: wow you're on top of the situation

Chertoff: there is no threat that we know of but you know those willy muslims they get you to let you're guard down by not doing anything for 5 years

Russert: what’s the threat level??

Chertoff: as you can see i am wearing makeup to match the threat level which is orange

Russert: why aren't more car bombs going off in the USA

Chertoff: it’s only a matter of time we may have to ban backpacks and cars

Russerts: yikes

Chertoff: just kidding just keep a lookout for cars on fire they can be spotted by the big flames

[ break ]

Russert: Senator Leahy you're against wiretapping is that because you're from Vermont and that's a gay loving french speaking liberal terror haven?

Leahy: that's a republican talking point dood

Russert: so what's you're fucking problem

Leahy: Republicans also on my committee want this White House to obey the law it's not rocket science

Russert: could they tap my phone

Leahy: they probably have

Russert: ok now i'm interested

Timmeh: are they Nixonian

Leahy: yeah they think they are little dictators and above the law

Tim: well they are rich and white

Leahy: look at Gonzalez he just sits in an empty building all day waiting for orders from karl rove

Russert: are we headed to a Constitutional crisis

Leahy: i'll be goddamned fucked if monica goodling claims executive privilege

Russert: so how far are you willing to go

Leahy: they pull a knife we pull a gun and a maple syrup bucket that's the Montpelier way

Russert: Fred Fielding sez he's offered to cooperate

Leahy: oh that's fucking rich some offer from an old Nixon crook - i'm surprised they didn't send tony soprano to meet with the Democrats at Holstens

Russert: but but but Orrin Hatch sez justice will be done when you do what the White House wants!!!

Leahy: that dickless asshole can suck it

Russert: but White House is pro-america

Leahy: you know the White House claimed e-mails were erased and then i told them don't make me fucking laugh and then they found them and still won't hand them over

Leahy: we giving them the damn questions in advance!

Russert: it’s an open-book exam!

Leahy: if these doods don't want to end up looking like assholes on John Stewart’s show they should answer the questions

Russert: so indict them for contempt?

Leahy: if we have to but this hurts everyone including cops on the beat

Russert: u voted for john Roberts

Leahy: i did but he had such a cute family -- when fascism came to American it had twinkley blue eyes and a calm affectless voice

[break}

Timmeh: bush failure on illegals

Judy Woodruff: just of many failurez including immigration, social security, iraq...

Timmy: so sad

Woodruff: sad too because he did all the right things, worked with Teddy Kennedy and presented a bill all Americans were confused by

Tavis Smiley: the GOP fucked with hispanics now

Timmy: 3-1 gap among illegal immigrants

Chuck Todd: Bush is popular among Spaniards but Bush won't be on the ticket in 2008 they could lose Florida

Timmy: GOP go BOOM!!

Obama: black community has the immune system disease drugs, guns, AIDS, etc.

Clinton: if AIDS were killing white women there would be a race for the cure every fucking weekend!

Smiley: my test group thought Hillary won hands down even with the blacks

Timmy: interesting

Smiley: she's got a lot of 10 point plans but Obama is selling hope

Brody: she's got Bill people luv him

Woodruff: she's smart but can't break on throug to the other side

Tavis: everyone wants the black vote

Timmy: yeah in south carolina those pesky blacks now get to vote

Todd: Obama is raking in tens of millions he's inspiring people

Timster: 250,000 individual donors!

Todd: he's too cautious he's trying not to lose

Smiley: he's does better in big speeches but you know our idiot media

Russert: people hate Hillary

Brody: they're trying to make her seem human

Russert: using sopranos humor

Brody: she's pretending to be goofy they're hiding the 666 under her hair

Noonan: now she's paying trolls from hillaryis44 to make up weird shit about obama and post it on blogs

Russert: well certainly that will help Hillary

Todd: it's obviously an elite insider since it's from DC and they access to the Hotline!!!!

Tavis: she's a woman and he's black its fascinating we live in a patriarchal society

Timmy: i luv to break voters up into silly arbitrary categories it gives us something to talk about

Woodruff: crazy young voters with their weird ethnicities and gayness and kinky hair

Timmy: wow so whacky!!

Woodruff: they like gays, hate abortion, and luv the war

Timmy: just like Patton

Brody: evangelicals like Rudy because he's an absolutist fascist who wants to kill kill kill and they like that

Todd: Romney polls well with isolationist Republicans who want double the size of Gitmo

Woodruff: Dobson hates Rudy he wouldn't shower with him

Brody: they make mobilize against him

Tim: what if he is the nominee

Brody: can't say for sure but he's a gay loving cross dressing freak

Smiley: black voter turnout if going to be really big in 2008 i hope

Russert: blacks always vote Dem

Smiley: yeah well the Bush Presidency sure has helped with that

Russert: Congress gave itself a pay raise what's up

Todd: these are the old guys from the 60s and 70s young Democrats are pissed off

Woodruff: like immigration - young Congress Dems told Teddy Kennedy to suck it

Russert: America's Family Jewels documenting the CIAs numerous crimes

[ old tape ]

CIA Director Colby: let us not say illegal rather that it was a wrong or a misstep like overthrowing governments or having people killed that's what we in the CIA call an "oopsie"

Leslie Gelb: so you’re all crooks

Colby: oh that's sensational i want to forget about that but the media keeps bringing it up boo hoo

CIA Today: you fucked up. you trusted us

****************************************************