Sunday, July 22, 2007

Meet the Press - July 22, 2007

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Meet the Press - July 22, 2007
Guests:
Mike McConnell, Director of National Intelligence
U.S. Senator Russ Feingold
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Russert: ok Mike what should we panic about right now!!!???

Mike McConnell: mass casualties and attacks on vital economic structures - for example they might attack a Wal-Mart

Russert: do they have nukes

McConnell: no but they have access to lighters and blowtorches

Russert: why haven't we been attacked recently

McConnell: cause we have daily conference calls where we discuss new and innovative ways to deliver a mass beat down on muslim ass

Russert: are there sleeper cells here to kill our blond-haired and blue-eyed women?

McConnell: we're not sure so we've put every brown person under surveillance

Russert: your report says Al Qaeda is back and bigger and better than ever!

McConnell: Pakistan appeased Osama bin Laden and gosh darn it now they have a safe haven when Bush heard about it he said well H E double hockey sticks!!

Russert: why can't you capture Osama

McConnell: in my vast experience in intelligence it's easier to find something big like a mountain or aircraft carrier or elephant or something

Russert: could we trade Musharraf for Osama and some draft picks

McConnell: well Bush has named Musharraf a franchise player so we would want at least an all-star, but we feel that Osama's injuries make him less desirable

Russert: is he dead or alive

McConnell: if we get a video we'll have Frist make a diagnosis and get back to you

Russert: do we torture

McConnell: oh heavens to betsy no Bush has ordered that all accounts of torture be labeled aberrations and low level people be punished

Russert: waterboarding yes or no

McConnell: dood i can't give away our best stuff some of it is really cool though

Russert: these are all known terrorists

McConnell: yes and they had information that we really need like how to get the hell out of iraq

Russert: what other secrets do they have

McConnell: one guy knew how the new harry potter book ended

Russert: you should use the Cruciatus Curse

McConnell: don’t think we haven’t tried everything

Russert: but we don’t torture

McConnell: riiiight

[winks at Russert]

McConnell: plus they knew our country’s reputation for torturing people in ghastly ways so they confess before we even get a chance to torture them

Russert: wow score one for the United States of America

McConnell: there is an element of extremism that goes from the Levant to South Africa

Russert: scary

McConnell: AQ has united all these groups of people who hate America

Russert: and now they're active in Iraq when they weren't before

McConnell: that's true but the schools have freshly painted rubble

Russert: which is worse al qaeda or sectarian violence

McConnell: well there is some hot sunni on sunni action but mostly Shia vs. Sunni

Russert: not Al Qaeda? what about what Bush said

McConnell: Al Qaeda is part of sectrarian violence they are committing crimes - why they even ripped the tags off their mattresses

Russert: according the new book you said Bush politicized intelligence - true?

McConnell: right you can't decide what result you want and then go looking for it

Russert: but it's all better now

McConnell: yes it's so refreshing Cheney wants to me to speak truth to power

[ Russert spits out coffee ]

Russert: dood are you talking about Dick Cheney??

McConnell: Saddam killed 300,000 people and then his generals lied to Bush which is just outrageous

Russert: r u hyping intelligence?

McConnell: no cherry picking we're giving it to em straight

Russert: if you say so dood

[ break ]

Russert: Russ Feingold can u end the war

Russ Feingold: a Senate majority just voted to end the war this was my idea and when I first had it it was crazy now i've been vindicated

Russert: well you're a democrat that's your role in life

Feingold: i don't like you Tim Russert

Russert: reporters say if we leave it will be total chaos

Feingold: we've got to get the other countries involved in stabilizing iraq

Russert: what if the whole country explodes!!!

Feingold: dood the US is the cause of instability

Russert: bush wants to stay isn't he right

Feingold: the people of America voted in November to pull out of Iraq so naturally one year later we will be debating how big the troop increase should be

Russert: what are you going to do about it tough guy

Feingold: censure the President and Cheney for the Iraq war, corruption, the illegality…

Russert: don't you suck

Feingold: heck i won the wiretapping battle didn't i

Russert: why do you hate our fine president

Feingold: oh no this is a middle ground course heck most americans want to see Bush impeached

Russert: will right wing wackos like Joe Lieberman vote for it

Feingold: i seriously doubt it but more moderate Republicans like Gordon Brown and Vlad Dracul have expressed interest

[ break ]

Russert: Feingold can't talk sense into Bush

Bob Woodward: what are you going to Bush is the dictator

David Brooks: Bush is amazing he still loves apple pie and democracy and thinks god speaks to him every day

Russert: but Bush lied to get us into war

Brooks: there are alot of Serious Debates in DC right now about how we can avoid admitting the hippies were right

Russert: censure Bush?

Brooks: that would be a big mistake for the Democrats there are some Republicans who are desperate to get away from Bush and this won't let them do that

Russert: um dood i think that's kind of the point

Russert: Cheney is deranged isn't he

Stephen Hayes: last year we had al qeada on the run which proves Bush was right and now that it's stronger than ever that proves Cheney was right

Russert: last throes?

Hayes: yeah he admitted that was wrong given the glaring reality

Russert: he has no doubts

Hayes: no he's right even when he's wrong

Woodward: with due respect to the moron to my right Iraq isn't a Theological Serious Debate it's a fucking war and people are being killed every day

Brooks: dood i suffer to why the other day i got an unripe olive in my martini

Woodward: there is no realistic solution it's up to the rational Republicans to talk sense to Bush

Brooks: i fear 250,000 Iraqis will be killed it's very frustrating to me to watch the debate in DC no one seems to understand Iraq like i do

Russert: when the fuck did you become an expert on the middle east Bobo???

Brooks: are we willing to let 125 US soldiers die every month to save 10,000 Iraqis a month

Hayes: genocide - it’s the new talking point

Woodward: where the fuck did you get the number 10,000 Iraqi lives saved or lost or whatever

Brooks: John Burns and the NIE

Woodward: what a lie my god you are truly full of shit

Brooks: no they said genocide

[ waves hands wildly ]

Woodward: where did you get that number

[Brooks gets up on table takes off his pants and underwear, turns his back to Woodward]

Brooks: here i pulled them out of my ass! Are u happy now dood!?!?

Russert: Bobo please sit down this isn’t Nantucket

Russert: is Cheney an evil psychopath or a deranged villain

Hayes: he's the polar opposite of the cliche he's secretive and works the levers of power

Russert: dood that is the cliche

Hayes: oh

Brooks: it's sad that there is a back channel of power in the White House

Woodward: blame your stupid President moron

Brooks: hey i resent that

Woodward: i can't believe that i - a titan of american journalism - has to share a table with the man who parlayed 'bobos in paradise' into alleged elite iraq punditry

Brooks: i can too talk gud

Woodward: go fuck yourself brooksie before i call mark felt and have you killed
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