Sunday, February 24, 2013

Meet The Press - February 24, 2013

Sec. of Transportation Ray LaHood
Gov. Bobby Jindal (R-LA)
Gov. Deval Patrick (D-MA)
Harold Ford
Peggy Noonan
Maria Bartiromo
Jim Cramer

Gregory: OMG the sequester 
Blame Game has begun!

Audience: I'll take Rhyme Time for $1,000

Gregory: Ray will it still be safe to fly?

LaHood: yes but every other plane
will have a student-pilot in charge

Gregory: wow

LaHood: Congress could fix this 
problem by Friday!

Gregory: will the flying public suffer aggravation?

LaHood: flying willl be an even more 
soul-crushing experience than it was before

Gregory: will security be affected?

LaHood: no but beginning next week
all passengers will have to fly nude

Gregory: it's only a 2% cut in spending
- suck it up!

LaHood: it's a billion dollars and the law
doesn't allow us to shift funds around

Gregory: oh too bad

LaHood: Congress used to compromise
and now they're just insane

Gregory: Republicans say the cuts are no
big deal and the FAA has plenty of money

LaHood: they're idiots

Gregory: the American people want you
to tighten up and fly ship shape

LaHood: we're not making this crisis up Fluffy

Gregory: you said Obama is just
like Abraham Lincoln

LaHood: yes – he has assembled a team of weevils

Gregory: Obama is cheating by being popular

LaHood: go see the movie Fluffnuts

Gregory: I did – there were no
town cars in it at all – so misleading

LaHood: hey Congress – pull your
heads out of your assess!

Gregory: even if Obama is right
isn't this all his fault?

LaHood: he tried to fix it!

Gregory: what about meaningful debt reduction?!?

LaHood: oh do shut up Fluffy

[ break ]

Gregory: welcome Bayou Gilligan

Jindal: thanks David

Gregory: Bobby will the sequester
budget cuts hurt Louisana?

Jindal: these cuts are no big deal although
if they are terrible they're Obama's fault
even though they are very small cuts but
Obama needs to step up because no one
wants these terrible but very mild cuts

Gregory: what's the answer?

Jindal: repeal Obamacare

Patrick: Obama already cut $2.5 trillion
and anyway we need more spending
to create more jobs

Gregory: Obama says he won the
Presidential election so he should
get what he wants which is
a functioning government

Jindal: I love America but not
the American government

Gregory: fair enough

Jindal: Obama promised to slash spending
with very small but terrible cuts 
which are really not a big deal

Gregory: well put

Jindal: now is the time to reapeal these mild
but terrible cuts and replace them with drastic
but not-so-bad spending cuts

Patrick: I'm sorry but I don't speak gibberish

Gregory: what should Obama do?

Jindal: Obama must stop betraying
democracy by reaching out to the people

Patrick: criminy

Gregory: what else?

Jindal: cut taxes for rich people

Gregory: Peggy Noonan says Republicans
keep obstructing Obama which makes it all his fault

Patrick: no one turns a phrase like that loony

Gregory: I love her

Patrick: the Republicans' number one goal
was to make Obama a one-term President
and now their new goal is to make
themselves look foolish

Gregory: Bobby you are rejecting Obamacare?

Jindal: it would cost Lousiana
taxpayers $1 billion over 10 years

Patrick: that's all – in Massachusetts we
spend a billion dollars over 10 years
polishing the Kennedy teeth!

Jindal: I offered to meet with the President
and take over for him if he resigned
and surprisingly he said no

Patrick: in Massachusetts universal
health care is very popular

Gregory: what if patients brought
a gun to their doctor?

Jindal: that's a great idea – but first
let's keep a record of every person
with mental health problems

Gregory: what could go wrong?

Jindal: but yet again we see Obama
cheating by being popular

Patrick: that is so sad for you

Gregory: where would you rather live
Massachusetts or Louisana?

Jindal: we lead America in jobs
cleaning up disastrous oil spills

Patrick: I'm so jealous [ rolls eyes ]

Jindal: we're creating more jobs
that Chris Christie
Gregory: how nice for you

Jindal: in Louisiana we're cutting taxes 
so we're going to turn the corner any day now

Patrick: in Massachusetts we have more 
brainy graduate students and lead 
the nation in Ben Affleck film locales

Gregory: can you be elected President when
your ideas are so right-wing?

Jindal: we must shrink government 
and raise taxes on the poor and  
cut them for the rich –  if that's right-wing 
then I'm guilty!

Gregory: I like it

Jindal: also Obama caused the recession

Patrick: oh dear [ sighs ]

Gregory: if you are for small government
then why not allow gay marriage?

Jindal: we lost in 2012 because we
failed to persuade people Obama caused
the recession – but we must not give up!

Gregory: good luck with that

[ break ]

Gregory: Ron Fournier says Obama
is CEO of America Inc. therefore 
everything is his fault even if he is right

Noonan: Obama has failed to lead
Republicans to sanity again

Gregory: right

Noonan: Obama says Republicans only
care about the rich which is true but mean

Gregory: Obama did win the election

Bartiromo: I am in touch with the
American public and they all think
Obama failed to lead

Gregory: the stock market must be
freaking out over Obama's terrible sequester

Bartiromo: no actually the market is
at an all time high

Gregory: wow not so bad then

Bartiromo: anyway Obama's sequester
threatens national security

Inskeep: Obama is a big old drama queen
but also he is right

Gregory: Bob Woodward complains that
Obama is right but whines that Obama's
alternative to the sequester is different
from the sequester

Noonan: I bet Harold Ford disagrees
with my blaming Obama

Ford: surprisingly I agree with Peggy
that Obama is all wrong

Gregory: wow what a shock

Ford: also Maria Bartiromo is right –
also let's approve the Keystone pipeline,
drill for gas and repeal broadband regulations

Noonan: oh my [ swoons ]

Ford: also I agree with Peggy that
Obama is a very disappointing leader

Noonan: you're a nice young man 
and handsome too

Ford: I should have been the first black President!!!
[ sobs ]

Noonan: there there – have a drink Harold
[ drinks martini ]

Ford: cheers Peggers
[ drinks bourbon ]

Bartiromo: [ coughing fit ]

Cramer: the market which is full of
geniuses thinks the sequester won't happen
[ swallows pills ]

Gregory: we must have Medicare reform!!

Noonan: everyone in D.C. is so childish
but the four of us wise people

Inskeep: Republicans are very reasonable
as long as they can raise taxes without
calling it a tax hike

Ford: Obama won't lead on carried interest!

Cramer: we should have no more taxes ever
except for the carried interest loophole -
that is outrageous

Bartiromo: interest rates will skyrocket someday!!

Gregory: people like you have been warning
about this forever and have always been wrong

Bartiromo: as soon as the unwashed figure it out –
interest rates will go high – I promise!!

Gregory: Steve Case who merged  
Time Warner and AOL says 
Washington should do good stuff

Inskeep: it's true Boehner sounds like a
crazy person but in private I can assure 
he's nice but a little stupid

Gregory: Obama must cut Medicare!

Inskeep: Republicans are willing to do the
right thing as long as their base doesn't
find out about it

[ break ]

Gregory: I want to discuss dancing

Betsy: negative David!

Gregory: ok ok - can Chris Christie 
beat Hillary Clinton?

Ford: I like Bobby Jindal and not Palin

Gregory: you are so wise Harold

Noonan: a great politician emulate Reagan 
and just run offering big spending 
and tax cuts – people like that

Gregory: Peggy tell me your predictions on the Pope

Noonan: this is unknown territory –
I think Daniel Day Lewis has the inside track

Gregory: wow

Noonan: also we should try not have
a Pope involved in a worldwide
child rape conspiracy

Gregory: Oscar picks!

Bartiromo: don't forget Les Miz!

Inskeep: I like Abraham Lincoln so what the hell

Gregory: Americans learn their history from movies
like Lincoln, Argo, Zero Dark Thirty and The Help

Cramer: my ticket to Silver Linings Playbook
was covered by my mental health plan

Gregory: wow that's generous

Cramer: have you seen my show –
I need platinum coverage for the mentally disturbed

Gregory: good point Jim –
and that's another episode of
Meet The Press


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