the President of the United States!
Good evening you dysfunctional idiots!
[ applause ]
two trillion dollars mostly slashing spending
Now let me talk about the
goddamm stupid harsh automatic
They would devastate the military
and cut medical research
[ boooooo ]
They're a really bad motherfucking idea!
oh sure we could spare the military
but cutting gramda's health care -
well that's even fucking worse!
[ ooooh ]
True healthcare is expensive
[ golf clap ]
call me a crazy sucker but we can't
put all the burdens on old people
just so some rich white jerk can drive
a new Bentley or Tesla – hell those
crap cars don't even work in the damn winter
[ elon musk pens angry letter ]
By the way my health care
plan cut costs!
But I'm willing to raise costs for
drug companies and ask rich
old people to pay more
[ clap clap ]
also lets get rid of tax loopholes –
you know the ones Republicans
keep saying they're against
[ confused clapping ]
if the debt is such a big fucking deal
– let's raise some motherfucking taxes!
Come on white people –
show me what ya got!!
[ awkward shifting in seats ]
why are billionaires paying less
taxes than their secretaries goddammit?!?
[ big applause ]
we're the greatest goddamn country
on this earth so stop creating
all these fake crises!
Y'all got a black President!
Get used to it already!
[ clap clap clap ]
Oh and by the way – the debt doesn't
fucking matter you stupid morons!
So why do ya'll get off your asses and
pass my one-year old jobs bill!
[ booo ]
ok here's another plan which also
doesn't create debt and so will
probably also be useless and ignored!
[ yaaay booo ]
Apple is making Macs in America again –
now that everyone is buying
samsung adroid phones!
3-D printing and R2-D2 can be
made in America!
[ wheeee ]
We've have mapped the human
genone and will soon clone Joe Biden!
[ eeeeek ]
We're understanding the human brain
and may soon understand how
Glenn Beck's mind works!
[ woooot ]
Hey stupid Republicans – you can
keep pretending there is no climate
change but soon the Jersey Shore
will be in Pennsylvania!
are about to fall down?
We're building self-healing power grids –
they're like motherfucking Commander Data!
[ robotic clapping ]
We're creating modern schools –
worthy of our children– hell our kids
won't be worthy of these schools
we'll have to imports some Swedes!
Let's help homeowners – what's
stopping you Congress!?
they need to thrive in pre-school –
Kids are more likely to hold down a job if
they learn to read by the 10th grade!
Aim high, people!
Germans learn English by the time they
graduate – we can do it too!!
Today's employers want engineers
scientists and lawyers – well not that last one
[ ooooh ]
Colleges stop sitting on those
multi-billion endowments – just
what are you saving it for?!?
Tomorrow I will score each school on
bang-for-the-buck and Most Rocking Party!
[ paaaaartyy!!! ]
I love immigrants – but they have to
get to the back of the line!
But we need low-skilled immigrants
for the jobs American's won't do
and high-skilled ones for the jobs
Americans can't do
[ yaaaaay ]
and get off your damn asses and pass
the Violence Against Women act!
I mean it!
The minimum wage is $14,000!
No, not a month Congress! A year!
[ whaaaat ]
Working people have to go the food bank!
And no idiots that's not an actual bank!
Let's kill two birds with one stone!
Hire people unemployed because of
the recession to fix cities ruined
by the recession!
What makes you man is not the ability to
conceive a child but to the ability to conduct
a raid and kill Osama bin Laden!
Damn I love those stone cold SEALS!
This time next year the war in Afghanistan will be over!
We've crushed al-aqaeda!
[ booo ]
We need to keep fighting but we don't need
thousands of soldiers – we need drones!
Now I know some nitpickers wonder if
I should be killing Americans abroad –
so in the months ahead I will be sending
relevant TPS reports on my kill list!
But first, attack Iran!
[ yaaaaay ]
Damn I am pissed at our enemies who seek
our access to our power grids,
e-mails, and twitter accounts!
[ furious twittering ]
Tonight I am announcing trans-atlantic
trade with Europe – we will send them
jazz and football and get cognac and haggis
I saw The Power of Hope in Rangoon –
it's a great new movie by Ben Affleck
Oh and Israel – blah blah blah
America will keep the best military
ever including Ancient Fucking Rome!
Women have proven they are ready
for combat – lookin at you Rihanna!
Michelle and Joe's wife love
soldiers and veterans –
aren't they awesome!
[ clap clap clap ]
By they way, I hear the right to vote
is pretty fucking important!
What white person ever waited
5 fucking hours to vote?!?
[ oooooh ]
But first you gotta grown up to vote –
how about getting weapons of war
off the goddamn streets?!?!
Weapons of war motherfucker -
do you need 'em?!?
[ eeeeeep ]
Jesus fuck one girl performed at my
inauguration and now she's dead –
what is this fucking Normandy on D-Day???
The families of Newtown deserve a vote!
The people of Aurora deserve a vote!
Gabby Giffords deserves a vote!
Vote no if you're that stupid –
but they deserve a vote!
[ yaaaaay ]
And don't hand me that shit about nothing
being a perfect solution – I've had it up
to here with that crap!
Look here this woman waited to vote and
she's 102 and years old – her first vote
was for Grover Cleveland against John McCain!
This police officer was shot 5 times defending
a Sikh Temple – that's right he saw those
turbans but didn't freak the fuck out
You know why – because we're all
God bless America!
Good night white fuckers!
Hi I'm Marcio Rubio
I love our troops, democracy,
America, and fetuses
Like Mitt Romney I didn't inherit
anything from my parents
America is great because people can
take a risk and if they fail and
rich enough get a bailout
Did you Obama created the debt and
government caused the recession
– no its true!
Those pesky laws cause all kinds of problems
And Obamacare is causing
unemployment – also Obama is really mean
Obama says we only care about rich –
but my neighbors aren't millionaires –
although I hate theml
Obama caused the recession –
also the economy shrank – so we must
cut taxes and also cut more taxes!
Who doesn't love lower taxes?!?
God gave us lots of coal – it would
be a sin not to burn it!
Also it would be good for poor people
to cut taxesfor rich people –
are you following me yet?
Education isn't about money – it's about profit!
I paid off $100,000 in student loans by
working as a male escort –
that's honest money!
Obama loves to blame to debt
on President Bush but Obama
caused the recession!
I love Medicare – I would never support
changing Medicare for my parents –
just for you!
Our stength doesn't come from government –
it comes from 5 HOUR ENERGY!
[ drinks ]
stay thirsty my friends - stay thirsty!