Sunday, February 03, 2013

Meet The Press – February 3, 2012

Host: Chuck Todd
Leon Panetta (Secretary of Defense)
Gen. Martin Dempsey (Chair, Joint Chiefs of Staff)
Robert Gibbs
Ana Navarro
David Brooks
Ralph Reed
Bob Costas
Todd: omg the very liberal Republican
Chuck Hagel faced tough questioning
from the guy who lost to Barack Obama!

Todd: Leon does Chuck Hagel hate Israel?

Panetta: Israel? Dammit we're still fighting two wars!

Todd: Israel was mentioned 130 times
which proves what is really important

Dempsey: cripes I got boys dying
in Afghanistan right now

Todd: do you support Chuck Hagel?

Dempsey: he seems smarter
than Graham or McCain

Todd: that's not saying much

Dempsey: I know that

Todd: we can't vote for a new
Secretary of Defense until we have
another hearing on Benghazi

Panetta: I love how insane
these Republicans are

Todd: but Benghazi is the most
important event since Gettysburg

Panetta: Chucky I heard you 
were a moron

Dempsey: we've learned a lot
since Benghazi

Todd: what is that?

Dempsey: next time after an attack
invade Grenada and no one will notice

Todd: was preventing an attack
in Turkey a success?

Panetta: no genius it was a failure

Todd: do defense spending cuts
hurt the economy?

Panetta: yes the Pentagon is a huge
and unncessary but useful jobs program

Todd: will sequester be bad?

Panetta: let me put it this way – America
will probably be invaded by Monaco

Todd: will the defense cuts happen or not?

Panetta: I hope not

Todd: what if the cuts happen?

Panetta: we'll all end up speaking Monacoese

Dempsey: it's worse than that – we may
have to cut the number of golf courses
the defense department has!

Todd: oh my god

Dempsey: also we have to lay
off half of Americans

Todd: please bash Obama for me

Panetta: you know chuckie
your haircut looks stupid

Todd: I know that – how bad is Obama?

Panetta: Congress must restore
our budget and cut Medicaid!

Todd: how can we kill lots of North Africa
muslims without fighting a war?

Panetta: we've killed al-qeada leaders 
all over the world

Todd: but you ignored Mali

Panetta: hey dipshit the terrorists in
Yemen put bombs on planes!

Todd: like John Carter?

Panetta: gah! [ strangles Todd ]

Todd: what is our policy in North Africa –
democracy or stability – 
because you can't have both

Panetta: we can have instability and no democracy

Todd: Is Iran building a nuclear bomb?

Panetta: not right now - but they are 
enriching uranium

Todd: well why else would they do that?

Panetta: maybe they're baking a delicious rich cake

Todd: a yellow cake?

Panetta: I'm gonna punch that
smirk off your face Chuckster
[ punches Todd ]

Todd: can we stop Iran from building a nuke?

Dempsey: I can do it personally if I wanted to

Todd: really – you can stop
from them building a bomb?

Dempsey: we make them decide not to want a bomb

Todd: how so?

Dempsey: threatening to send John Kerry
there until their change their minds

Todd: whoa

Todd: what's the plan in Afghanistan?

Panetta: we're never leaving

Todd: we're actually staying there
with thousands of troops?

Dempsey: we have to – after we invaded
their country we promised them we wouldn't leave

Todd: what is the mission in Afghanistan?

Panetta: a safe and secure country

Todd: but tourism there is nowhere
near as fun as Disneyland

Panetta: I wouldn't be too sure about that –
there is a war going on but
the wait times aren't as bad

Todd: will women ruin the military?

Dempsey: I'd love the chance to whip
your ass into shape Chuckles

Todd: no thanks

Demp: I'd make a real man out of you

Todd: did we use torture to get bin Laden?

Panetta: yes but we would have gotten him anyway

Todd: Clinton or Biden in 2016 ?

Panetta: Biden has been a Senator forever
and Hillary has been everywhere
and knows everything

[ break ]

Todd: Chuck Hagel seemed unprepared
at his hearing

Brooks: he should have defended himself
he's gonna run the Pentagon!

Todd: McCain is obsessed with The Surge
is it personal between them?

Navarro: Hagel did a terrible job –
look at how cool Hillary was

Todd: she was awesome

Navarro: I looked at Chuck Hagel
and thought I shaved my legs for this?

Todd: I grew a goatee to make me look cool

Gibbs: John McCain lost the 2008 election
and he can't get over it

Todd: so you say

Gibbs: who cares about the Surge
it was years ago!

Todd: should Chuck Hagel resign?

Gibbs: no and you are an idiot

Todd: isn't Chuck Hagel just like Harriet Miers?

Reed: wow I agree with you!

Todd: wow!

Reed: Hagel is terrible and soft on Iran!

Todd: I know!

Reed: Hagel doesn't care about the
murder of our troops!

Todd: oh my good!

Navarro: Hagel is weak!

Brooks: It's awful!

Todd: so we all agree!

Gibbs: no – you're all idiots

Todd: you advise Marco Rubio

Navarro: yes – also he is very courageous
and wise and handsome

Todd: such a good point – but the
National Review says latinos will not
vote GOP ever and also the
Holocaust was not senseless

Reed: Republicans have lost 4 of 6 elections
maybe the National Review should shut up

Todd: go oh Ralph

Reed: the ancient Israelites teach us
to love the immigrants, punish lawbreakers,
and never eat shellfish or wear two different fibers

Brooks: I love immigrants because they
work hard but they don't get Social Security

Todd: here is a picture of Obama 
shooting a groundhog

Gibbs: holy crap you make David Gregory
look like Edward R. Murrow

Todd: Ralph can radical christians support
background checks for obtaining killing devices

Reed: no because guns are god's way
letting white people feel better about
having a black President

Navarro: of course we should support
background checks – the NRA is crazee

[ break ]

Todd: is professional football safe?

Costas: no but Roger Goddell is a good
man worried about billions in lawsuits
and parents taking their kids out of football
and having them play with something safe like guns

Todd: I have a 5 year-old son and I talk
about this with other Dads all the time

Costas: players support big hits but will
still donate their brains to trauma research

Todd: wow

Costas: even legal hits are like
a surviving a major car accident

Todd: Alex Smith lost his job after
self-reporting a head injury

Costas: just like Rick Perry

Todd: Teddy Roosevelt created the NCAA
to reform college sports

Costas: how did that work out?

Todd: it's one of the most corrupt
organizations in America

Costas: and the Juniors Seau are all dead

Todd: does the NFL go the way of boxing?

Costas: professional football is
fundamentally unsustainable

Todd: wow – and now –
onto the big game!!

Costas: [ palmface ]

Todd: and that's another episode
of Meet The Press

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