March 7, 2010
Kathleen Sebelius (Sec. Of HHS)
Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT)
Gregory: Kathy I hate health care reform and
I’m willing to lie to defeat it
Sebelius : we all know that
Gregory: it is a fact that Americans don’t like Obama’s health reforms
Sebelius : it’s fact that you’re a fucking liar
Gregory: [ fluffs hair ]
Sebelius : did you know that people are suffering and Fluffy if people are so goddamm happy with their health insurance do you think they are happy with 40% increases in premiums?
Gregory: I saw a guy on the street who told me
that Obama will fail
Sebelius : I really don’t give a shit about your so-called facts Dancin Dave
Gregory: it’s a really important point whether if this isn’t enacted by Easter Obama will just let it go
Sebelius : good god you are infathomably shallow
Gregory: Easter - yes or no?!?
Sebelius : I officially have total contempt for you
Gregory: Is Obama’s agenda at stake??!
Sebelius : no dimwit - what’s at peril is
Gregory: what mistakes has Obama made?
Sebelius : he underestimated your stupidity?
Gregory: anything else
Sebelius : well we need to sell the evil of
insurance companies better
Gregory: you didn’t communicate to the people
Sebelius : right - we spend months assuring the public we weren’t actually going to kill old people
Gregory: Obama wants to control costs but I talked to anonymous Republicans and Warren Buffet
said it doesn’t do that!
Sebelius : calm down Fluffy
Gregory: but why not just do what the GOP wants?
Sebelius : yeah RomneyCare worked great
Gregory: Big Shoulders are covered
Sebelius : idiot
Gregory: you don’t deal with tort reform!
Sebelius : that’s a lie Greggers
Gregory: but not malpractice reform!
Sebelius : that’s another lie
Gregory: but you can’t possibly disagree with
Saint Warren of the Buffet
Sebelius : brace yourself Fluffy - I do disagree
with the richest man in America on the need for guaranteed health care
Gregory: [ falls on fainting couch ]
Sebelius : I heard you were a moron
Gregory: but the Mayo Clinic says this will probably work but where are the guarantees??
Sebelius : look stupid we know prevention and technology reduce costs
Gregory: will a future Congress really raise taxes?
Sebelius : sure why not
Gregory: Stupak wants to ban health care for wimmins health
Sebelius : we’re not going to pay for abortions I promise!!
Gregory: how do you get President Stupak’s vote?
Sebelius : persuade him by putting a pony head
in his bed
Sebelius : no Bart’s just misinformed
Gregory: so you maintain he’s just an idiot
Sebelius : yes - you’d like him
[ break ]
Gregory: so right wingers - what will happen
Hatch: the Founding Fathers wanted one Senator to stop all action therefore Obama is a fascist
EJ Dionne: Dems must pass this because they have to show they can get shit done and also it’s necessary for the future of America
Gregory: President Obama how do you get
Ford: I’m Harold Ford
Ford: I was just walking around outside and
your producer grabbed me
Gregory: oh well close enough
Ford: we need to win over Republicans!
Gregory: we know all we need to know - the American people hate this bill
Lowry: the Democrats will be destroyed if this
Gregory: so so so true
Lowry: Tom Daschle said we should be like Australia
Hatch: to pass a bill with a majority vote is Nazisocialisfascicomminsim!!!
Gregory: please elaborate
Hatch: reconciliation has never been used to pass this bill before
Gregory: oh noe!
Hatch: it’s sweeping and therefore terrible!!
Gregory: that’s shocking!!
Hatch: it’s 2,700 pages [ sobs ]
Dionne: Orrin I can’t tell if you are lying or are completely insane
Hatch: Bush always ignored polls and used reconciliation to pass tax cuts!
Hatch: Katie Bar the Door!!!
Dionne: good god
Lowry: Jesus Orrin shut the fuck up
Ford: Nobody fucking cares about the
Gregory: but Warren Buffet says Obama doesn’t cuts cost!
Hatch: Obama didn’t invite me to his birthday party!!!
[ starts sobbing ]
Gregory: it’s a such a cruel twist than a right-wing idiot from Tennessee can’t run for the Senate from New York without being mocked
Ford: I’ve been in New York for 60 days and I can assure you that we need to cut taxes
Gregory: who threatened you Harold?
Ford: I keep getting questioned about gays and stuff when in New York what people really care about is electing a bland corporate shill from Tennessee
Gregory: so why not run?
Ford: it turns out I would criticized and that’s unacceptable
Gregory: should Gov. Paterson step down?
Ford: hell yes - let me be Governor!
Gregory: Rich Lowry what does it mean for Democrats that I hate them?
Lowry: it’s so sad that everyone hates Democrats
Gregory: Orrin Hatch I noticed your party is full
Hatch: no there are good blacks like Harold Ford here
Ford: yay me!
Dionne: when Ford runs for Senate from Tennessee he can use that endorsement!
Ford: wow good idea E.J.
Gregory: E.J. are the Democrats doomed?
Dionne: the bill will be fucking popular Fluffy
Gregory: hey Orrin there’s violence all over Iraq
Hatch: see this proves invading Iraq was a great idea because there’s a chance this country can survive the Bush reign of terror
Gregory: so you think Iraq can survive?
Hatch: I was talking about the U.S.