October 18, 2009
White House Advisor Valerie Jarrett
Sen. Chris Dodd
Sen. John Kyl
Gregory: OMG the economy has not done well since January of 2009!!
Jarrett: that’s right - which goes to show how bad a President George Bush was
Gregory: [high pitched voice] so what is he going to do about it??
Jarrett: step one is stave off disaster, step two is move the economy from ‘craptacular’ to ‘mediocre’
Gregory: second stimulus?
Jarrett: he plans to create 40,000 more jobs next month
Gregory: how is that?
Jarrett: Invade Uzbekistan
Gregory: Obama says he’s going take on the nice insurance industry but they’re his partners - it’s so sad!
Jarrett: the message is - don’t make Obama mad!!
Gregory: but Politico says unions are really mad that Obama is going to raise taxes on the middle class
Jarrett: hey Fluffy is this was easy someone else would have done it already - but don’t stop Obama - he’s one TNT motherfucker!!
Gregory: Will he push for a public option?
Jarrett: he likes it
Gregory: but will he demand it?
Jarrett: he will ask nicely for it
Gregory: what happened to ‘yes we can’?
Jarrett: it’s now “affirmative we will try, fuckers”
Gregory: how can American get the pig flu as fast as possible
Rice: we have a whole website devoted helping get the flu
Gregory: what’s your answer
Jarrett: wash your hands, stop sneezing, and skip the ER visit - just go to Flu.gov
[ break ]
Gregory: should we have a public option?
Dodd: you’re damm right we should
Gregory: so how can it happen if Obama doesn’t push for it
Dodd: we’ll roll it out and test drive it and then argue for it
Gregory: it sounds like you’re planning for a big defeat
Dodd: I’m confident that we might be able to get someone to vote for it
Gregory: Republican Senator I’d like ask you a tough question - why is the Republican party so darn popular?
Kyl: I’m glad you asked me that tough question - it’s because we’re so wonderful
Gregory: what’s your health care plan?
Kyl: let the free market take care of sick, dying, penniless people!
Greg: how would that work?
Kyl: they could sell their organs in a reverse mortgage - dammit do I have to think of everything??
Greg: do you support a trigger option?
Kyl: hell no!
Dodd: hell no!
Gregory: finally some bipartisanship!
Gregory: hey Kyl - why doesn’t Afghanistan have to be deficit neutral?
Gregory: so what about people dying for lack of health insurance?
Kyl: free market
Gregory: that’s all you’ve got?
Dodd: people are dying in his state every day!
Kyl: well most of them were old anyway
Gregory: Wall Street bonuses?
Dodd: it’s an outrage!
Kyl: now we have to be very careful because we want to express our outrage and bash Obama but also not in any way limit massive unnecessary wasteful welfare bonuses for capitalist overlords
Gregory: okay then
Gregory: wow - there are girls in the workforce!
Shriver: Half of workers are women - we have to adapt to this crazy change
Jarrett: First thank you Fluffy for spotlighting this
Gregory: thanks Val
Jarrett: we need families to thrive to meet this challenge of women who work
Gregory: this is all about me, and you of course
Podesta: that’s right - the battle of the sexes is over and Billie Jean King won
Gregory: married couples are negotiating the rules of their relationship
Podesta: wow those Geico cavemen must be so confused
Shriver: It’s smart for business to support the American worker
Audience: good luck with that
Gregory: People expect women to take care of the kids, make dinner and hold down a job
Jarrett: Look at Michelle Obama - top lawyer, mother, and helped Barack become President
Gregory: what about the male ego?
Shriver: I live with Arnold so I know what you’re talking about
Gregory: I have no ego
Shriver: well that makes sense - I’ve seen your show
Podesta: 80% of men said they were happy to have women make more money and also take care of the kids and elderly parents
Gregory: this paper says men should be flexible because women change their minds all the time
Jarrett: that’s right - you gotta go with the flow
Shriver: the recession has hit male jobs first
Gregory: so what’s the answer?
Gregory: I just had a conversation with a female executive asking her if I could phone Meet the Press in
Shriver: what did she say?
Gregory: she thought I already was
Gregory: why does school have to get out at 3:00, it’s very inconvenient
Gregory: Republicans say it’s bad that women are working
Shriver: well we need women working but also be there when their kids come home too
Gregory: when do we get a woman President?
Podesta: well Nancy Pelosi is Speaker so we will someday
Gregory: but even Hillary Clinton couldn’t do it!
Shriver: well maybe women just don’t want to put themselves through all that just to prove how awesome they are
Gregrory: [ fluffs hair ] maybe Maria