Meet The Press
October 31, 2009
Sen. John McCain
Gregory: Welcome to this special edition of
Meet The Press - thank you all for coming
McCain: thank you David
Dracula: yeeesss thank you Daaahhveed Greegorrry
Frankenstein: Mr. Gregory nice to be here
Wolfman: Good morning everyone
Zombie: Glad to be here, Dave
Mummy: mmmmmph rrrrmmmpph
Gregory: Senator McCain let’s start with you -
the House Democrats have proposed a 2,000
page health reform bill with a public option
- do they have the votes to pass this and can the Republicans stop it?
McCain: my friends this proposal is not the right thing to do - we need to start over, go back to the drawing board and-
Zombie: Fresh brains!!! mmmmrrrrrrgghhhh!!!!
[ zombie lunges at McCain ]
Gregory: zombie please don’t eat John
Zombie: grrraarrmmmphhh nom nom nom nom
Gregory: great now McCain is wandering around
the studio aimlessly
Frankenstein: so nothing new then
Wolfman: ha good one Frank
Frankenstein: thanks Wolf
Gregory: ok John McCain is now one of the undead - let’s move on
Gregory: Dracula what do you think of this
health reform bill
Dracula: Daaavid Gregorrry I must say this bill eees
a terrible idea - Americans viiill lose access to health care, and insurance companies vill be put out
Gregory: to be fair you are Transylvanian and immortal
Dracula: Nevertheless Daaavid Grrregory ze American people don’t vant a puuuublic option
- zey vant lower taxes and tort reforrrm
Wolfman: I strongly disagree. Look at me - being a wolfman is a preexisting condition - how am I supposed to get health insurance now?? Plus I have
sciatica, high blood pressure, and distemper!
Gregory: sorry to hear that
Mummy: mmmmrrrrph arrrruummph
Gregory: Frankenstein what do you think?
Frankenstein: Actually I’m The Creature - Frankenstein was the scientist who created me
Gregory: oh really sorry
Frankenstein: it’s okay - you can call me Frank
McCain: [ wanders across stage ]
Frankenstein: David it’s clear we need single-payer insurance - if government insurance is good enough for members of Congress and our military, why not everyone else?
Gregory: but the deficit!!!
Frankenstein: Calm down Fluffy - it’s more efficient and speaking as someone is himself stitched from parts of dead bodies - I know how much we need this
Dracula: eees a government takeover of health carrre and eess a jobs kiiiiller
Gregory: I should tell our viewers Dracula that you sit on the board of directors of Aetna and United Health and have $200 million in health insurance stock
Dracula: [ shrugs ] I have made a few investments over zeee last 500 yearrrs, eees true
Zombie: I’m very concerned about the details - for example will there be negotiated rates? Who will be eligible for the public option? And most importantly -
will it cover fresh brains???
Gregory: all good questions
McCain: [cuts in front of camera ]
Gregory: the public option has created a firestorm
Frankenstein: Fire BAAAD!!!!
Wolfman: without single-payer this is basically a giveaway to the insurance companies, for example oh no full moon oh no nooo ow ow oww OW OWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!
[ turns into wolf, leaps on zombie John McCain ]
Gregory: oh Wolfman is biting the senator
Frankenstein: that’s a shame
Gregory: Ok he just ate John McCain - let’s move on
[ Dracula stares at Gregory’s neck ]
Gregory: Mummy you’re from the middle east - if
we leave Iraq and Afghanistan don’t we just surrender to the terrorists?
Mummy: I once read in hieroglyphics that you
were a moron
Gregory: we have to stay for the honor of our troops! Also spending on health care is bad!
Mummy: you’re like the Rosetta Stone of Stupidity
Dracula: I haf liiived for 800 yeeearrss and I must say I think that theeees eees not so good a situation
Mummy: Granted the extremists are dangerous -
but what are we doing there? And is bombing people really going to win over the people? We went up against the Greek, Romans, and Napoleon and the pyramids are still around
Gregory: good point
McCain: oooooohhhhh!!!!! ow owww oooooowwwwwww!!!!
Gregory: great now Senator John McCain is
Dracula: you have lovely skiiiin Dahveeeed Gregorrrry
Gregory: thanks very much Count
Dracula: pleeez call me Vlaaad
Gregory: Vlad what about Congressional race in upstate New York - the Republican nominee just dropped out!
Frankenstein: sure people hate Republicans
Gregory: no she quit in favor of a right wing
Dracula: this eees good news for Repuuuuublicans - Scozzafava vas not a real Repuuuublican - she doesn’t believe in teabagging, African birth certificates, or demonized Hallowen candy - there’s no room for that kind of thinking in today’s party Dahveed Greeegorrry
Gregory: Hoffman is a vampire, isn’t he?
Dracula: [ smiles slyly ] maybe
Gregory: Oooh tell me who else is???
Dracula: just between us - Karl Rove, Pat and Bay Buchanan, Mary Matalin and-
Gregory: and James Carville?
Dracula: oh no - I think he eees some kind
of underground trolll
Dracula: how vould like to be immorrrrtal, dahveed?
[strokes Gregory's hair]
Gregory: gee I don’t know
Dracula: don’t reeesiiist me dahveed
[ lunges over, bites Gregory on the neck ]
Gregory: oh my
Dracula: you are now a vampire - a member of the glorious family of the soulless undead, sucking the blood of the living for eternity
Gregory: [ fluffs hair ]
and we’ll be back next Sunday for another edition of Meet The Press where my guest will be zombie werewolf John McCain