Republican Debate - CNN - Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Wolf: Let’s meet the candidates!
Tancredo: hi im tom Tancredo and im the crazy one in this debate
Thompson: my name is Thompson. Tommy Thompson. I have a license to kill. My own campaign.
Wolf: wait a minute dood yur not the actor
Thompson: no im running behind Fred McGruff in the polls and hes not even running
Wolf: ok well i guess u can stay anyway
Brownback: hi im sam Brownback and I’ve given birth to five children with my fictional uterus which I like to point at
Romney: my name is Mitt Romeny and im yur neighborhood stalker
Giuliani: u all know me - vote for me or die
McCain: im john mccain
McCain: holy fuck what was that!
Huckabee: im mike huckabee and for 10 years I was a woman named Francine
Hunter: Im duncan hunter and I to want to bomb the shit out of something
Gilmore: im Lorelie Gilmore and u may know me from my tv show
Paul: im Dr. Ron Paul i'm teh Constitution-guy
Q: dood wuz it a mistake to invade iraq
Romney: that is a non sequiter that's a French Latin term that is to say a Null Set
Q: dood what the fuck!
Monsieur Romeny: just imagine what if Saddam had let inspectors in
Q: but dood he did
Romney: well maybe but u can’t say that with troops in harms way rather u say to them doodz we fucked up we’re bringing you home just as soon as we can unfuck it
Rudy: war wuz the right thing nothing to do with WMD its all about 9/11 9/11 9/11
Wolf: now how did I know u were going to say that
Rudy: now bear with me its get weirder iran which is Shiite is going to spend billions to build a nuclear bomb and then give it away as a housewarming present to a bunch of unstable Sunni lunatics
McCain: no I didn’t read the NIE Matlock was on that day besides Saddam wuz cheating on that whole UN oil-for-magic beads program
Brownback: I will create a three state solution in Iraq Yankee Nation, Red Sox Nation and the Kurds
Gilmore: we should keep killing people in the middle east until its stable
McCain: let repeat for the millionth time that americans are frustrated and saddened making them sound like a bunch of whiny assholes - anyway if we leave they will follow us home and 100 americans a month will die in domestic attacks
Wolf: what happens in September
McCain: well then we just have to split up the bedrooms of iraq we’ve done it before in the GOP and watch genocide take place it would be like a really long version of Schindler’s List
Thompson: Bush should say to al maliki dood should we stay or not and if so are the goddamm Iraqis going to help us beat the fucking Iraqis or not and then all the little Iraqi states would take over and then bingo - no more civil war
Wolf: dood what about the oil revenues
Tommy: give every man, woman and man-child a barrel of oil
Hunter: hell I read that NIE and I invited everybody over to my house for a big slumber party - we can solve this in the next 3 - 4 months
Paul: oh fuck u all we are in more danger by staying
Huckabee: the Taliban is the scarryyy!!! They will kill us all!!!!!!!
Tancredo: fuck the Iraqis they’re all brown anyway
Q: dood should we talk with Iran and Syria after all brown people live there
Brownback: yes we should talk but we should say we are “confronting them” that will solve it
Brownback: oh yeah they had a bus drivers strike its like Montogomery Alabama
Hunter: ok let's talk but we don’t give up the right to bomb anyone anytime -- also we reserve the right to take out all 1,000 centrifuges in Iran
Wolf: should we u nuke Iran
Hunter: well u know never say never dood
Rudy: b4 I would talk to iran I would make them promise never to get nukes
Wolf: but they have nukes now
Rudy: yeah the democrats are living the 1990s after all Iran is a threat they can deliver a nuclear warhead--
Wolf: wait dood what did u just say???
Rudy: maybe they will e-mail a nuclear a bomb to terrorists did u ever think of that??
Rudy: Fort Dix...JFK - this threat is real dood
Wolf: should the Law & Order guy named Thompson run for President
Thompson: yeah sure why not I’m dropping out soon anyway
Wolf: Rudy catholic leaders say ur a big sinner
Rudy: dood heres what I think on abortion
[ Lightning Strikes!!! ]
Wolf: whoa dood god is out to get u
Romney: I explained that roe v wade went to far when it led to embryo farming I mean they don’t even produce ethanol
Q: Huckster do u believe adam and eve rode dinosaurs to church
Huckabee: to me its simple you either believe god built the earth like a lego set 6,000 years ago or u can vote for a pagan atheist like Rudy over there
Wolf: dood r u descended from a monkey
Huckabee: well im not but maybe Tancredo is
Brownback: I believe god gave me cancer and I beat him thanx to science and saint anselm
McCain: I think kidz should all be exposed to all theories but not the Flying Spaghetti monster unless pastor Huckabee sez its ok
Romney: John F Kennedy wuz a member of freak ass religion too but u know I believe in the Bible, Jesus, the Declaration of Independence, and L Ron Hubbard
Ron Paul: I think localities should enact hate legislation not the federal government
Q: dood is global warming real
Guiliani: oh sure its real the best way to deal with it is to put Mitt Romney on the moon where he belongs
Romney: I would luv to go the moon but goddammit why is our oil under foreign lands where its scary!!!
McCain: I think oil companies should build nuclear plants
Q: dood why would they do that
McCain: beats the fuck out of me we should go where no man has gone before
Ron Paul: why are subsidizing oil companies - now I commit heresy we overthrew the leader of Iran over oil dammitt!!!
Gilmore: we should use new energies like biomass coal, gas, nuclear, solar, methane, cows, guano, firewood, kindling, rolled up newspapers, and marshamallows
Q: gayz in the military
Paul: why are gays asking for special rights lets just forbid them and they can shut up and stop whining
Huckabee: its alredy covered
Wolf: what is
Guilani: now is it now the time look were at war we’re trying to build a Hybrid Army!
Romney: I thought it was don't ask don't tell was silly at first now is not the time for me to answer that question I’ll get back to you
McCain: I luv all brave soliders except the gay ones they’re bad and we should get rid of them even if we lose all wars
Wolf: does no one here luv the gays or men named Leslie??????
Q: How would u use George W. Bush
Thompson: not the UN that’s for sure
Brownback: Bill Clinton has violated the rulz by butting in and making Bush look bad by being all competent and its not fair whaaaaaa!!!!
Tancredo: fuck George W. Bush
Q: why are Republicans in fucking freefall?
Huckabee: aside from Iraq, Katrina, immigration, and corruption -- gee I don’t know. But this I do know - American needs to build a really really big fence!!!
Wolf: Pardon Scooter Libby?
Hunter: let me talk about immigrations we should shoot immigrants on sight goddammitt!!
Wolf: show of hands pardon Scooter Libby
Rudy: yes and no but yes
Wolf: yes or no dood
Rudy: blah blah blah
Romney: Fitzgerald is a very bad man
Brownback: Valerie Plame wuz not covert
Tancredo: yes because I expect to be on trial myself someday
Wolf: ok now Tom Tancredo will move all the chairs around while we get ready for the rest of the debate
Wolf: u know the rules dood
[ back from break ]
Q: my little brother was killed in Iraq what would you do to bring our troops our home
Hunter: my son Duncan joined the marines on sept 12 IF we can win and IF Iraqis luvs America and IF it becomes like Japan and IF rainbows and unicorns live in Iraq then we can all live on lollipops
Brownback: Dems want us to be defeated whereas I wants to rip the county up into pieces and then pull out
McCain: dood that’s the dumbest idea I ever heard it will be long and hard and tough and so more young must die so your brother didn’t die in vain awwwwwwwwww
Q: Let’s fuck up Iraq some more yeah!!!
Paul: Jeebus lady yur drinking the kool aid what the fuck are our troops patrolling the streets of some middle east country use your fucking head
Guiliani: thank god we invaded Iraq it will prevent another terrorist attack we must engage in nation building but in order to make it happen we must crush the iraqis and its not too late Petraeus will tell the surge is the best yeah!!!
Lorelei Gilmore: when I was on the tv show the set was so pretty I wish America could be like that
Tancredo: I luv the whole earthy thing after all Teddy Roosevelt did it we just have to make it profitable the free market works perfectly on saving the tragedy of the commons
Q: doods drugs are cheaper in Spain why
Rudy: everyone should get a tax deduction to buy health insurance just like car insurance for example some people are happy to live with some diseases while others won’t -- everyone should get to choose about what level of sickness they are willing to live with
Hunter: my father-in-law is a drug criminal so I know so the solution is for American innovation to subsidize the rest of the world - isn’t that a great idea?
Wolf: no dood it sux
Blooger: Health insurance??
Thompson: awesome finally a question I can answer. We should have a wellness system, also obesity, tobacco, information technology, and a bill o frights
Romney: in my state we fixed it without the government - here I will talk about my plan endlessly without saying what the hell it is
Q: what is the most pressing moral issue facing America
Huckabee: that every life that votes republican is very precious for example we have fetishized the fetuses but Islamic jihadists are not Americans and so they blow people up
Rudy: I agree but I would put it this way we need to bomb the shit out of the middle east until they agree that America is superior
Paul: preemptive war. Holy cow now we are talking about nuclear strikes over countries that scare us a little bit that’s plain nutty
Brownback: If this party nominates rudy guilani this party will go to hell this used to be a party that believed that every sperm was sacred until the GOP decided he needed to be executed.
Q: Mitt yur a big flip flopper on Spanish
Mitt Romney: I luv immigrants they’re faaaaaaabulous!!!!!!
But I hate illegal immigrants notice I’m not answering the question - Europe Asia lets talk big exporting businesses
Tancredo: bilingual countries don’t work! Only English works!!!
Wolf: dood Canada, Switzerland
McCain: muchas gracies senor yanqi loco - I luv Hispanics!
Q: doodz why duz Bush suck
McCain: spending and corruption earmarking
Rudy: I would use statistical measuring programs for everything
Romney: Ronald Reagan had a vision lets export shit
Brownback: I think we should end death by cancer in America
Wolf: asshole I was asking why u lost in 2006
Tommy: healthcare and iraq and Democrats
Tancredo: Bush lost because he is a liberal and you can tell because Bush is very popular on liberal blogs
Paul: bush ran against nation-building and guess what happened
Gilmore: first they ousted Republicans and then they canceled my tv show its so sad I hate hillary
Hunter: I hate gay people
Huckabee: Republicans lost in 2006 because taxes are too high and there are too many immigrants
Q: what is an American
Tancredo: u must cut all ties from the past and only eat American food like pizza and General Tso’s chicken
Huckabee: I think u should be able to come to America but only thu Ticketmaster
Guiliani: legal immigrants are cool Tancredo is a know-nothing but the best America said Abe Lincoln is one who believes in crackin’ some skullz!!
McCain: sorry what I was napping let me ramble nonsensically for a minute
Q: how do we rescue the GOP
Gilmore: when I wuz on the Gilmore Girlz we had high ratings because had nifty patter and that can save America
Wolf: Ah-nold is the best!!!
Hunter: no he sux did u know Romney is a socialist and that all three of them helped Ted Kennedy kill somebody
Romey: now wait a minute let me give a stool sample family values
Rudy: Islamic terrorism - we are the party that lives in fear that us unites us
McCain: Islamic crazies are evil look at fort dix my friends we must become completely insane if that’s what it takes to win!!!!