Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Republican Debate - CNN - Tuesday, June 5, 2007


Republican Debate - CNN - Tuesday, June 5, 2007


Wolf: Let’s meet the candidates!

Tancredo: hi im tom Tancredo and im the crazy one in this debate

Thompson: my name is Thompson. Tommy Thompson. I have a license to kill. My own campaign.

Wolf: wait a minute dood yur not the actor

Thompson: no im running behind Fred McGruff in the polls and hes not even running

Wolf: ok well i guess u can stay anyway

Brownback: hi im sam Brownback and I’ve given birth to five children with my fictional uterus which I like to point at

Romney: my name is Mitt Romeny and im yur neighborhood stalker

Giuliani: u all know me - vote for me or die

McCain: im john mccain


McCain: holy fuck what was that!

Huckabee: im mike huckabee and for 10 years I was a woman named Francine

Hunter: Im duncan hunter and I to want to bomb the shit out of something

Gilmore: im Lorelie Gilmore and u may know me from my tv show

Paul: im Dr. Ron Paul i'm teh Constitution-guy

Q: dood wuz it a mistake to invade iraq

Romney: that is a non sequiter that's a French Latin term that is to say a Null Set

Q: dood what the fuck!

Monsieur Romeny: just imagine what if Saddam had let inspectors in

Q: but dood he did

Romney: well maybe but u can’t say that with troops in harms way rather u say to them doodz we fucked up we’re bringing you home just as soon as we can unfuck it

Rudy: war wuz the right thing nothing to do with WMD its all about 9/11 9/11 9/11

Wolf: now how did I know u were going to say that

Rudy: now bear with me its get weirder iran which is Shiite is going to spend billions to build a nuclear bomb and then give it away as a housewarming present to a bunch of unstable Sunni lunatics

McCain: no I didn’t read the NIE Matlock was on that day besides Saddam wuz cheating on that whole UN oil-for-magic beads program

Brownback: I will create a three state solution in Iraq Yankee Nation, Red Sox Nation and the Kurds

Gilmore: we should keep killing people in the middle east until its stable

McCain: let repeat for the millionth time that americans are frustrated and saddened making them sound like a bunch of whiny assholes - anyway if we leave they will follow us home and 100 americans a month will die in domestic attacks

Wolf: what happens in September

McCain: well then we just have to split up the bedrooms of iraq we’ve done it before in the GOP and watch genocide take place it would be like a really long version of Schindler’s List

Thompson: Bush should say to al maliki dood should we stay or not and if so are the goddamm Iraqis going to help us beat the fucking Iraqis or not and then all the little Iraqi states would take over and then bingo - no more civil war

Wolf: dood what about the oil revenues

Tommy: give every man, woman and man-child a barrel of oil

Hunter: hell I read that NIE and I invited everybody over to my house for a big slumber party - we can solve this in the next 3 - 4 months

Paul: oh fuck u all we are in more danger by staying

Huckabee: the Taliban is the scarryyy!!! They will kill us all!!!!!!!

Tancredo: fuck the Iraqis they’re all brown anyway

Q: dood should we talk with Iran and Syria after all brown people live there

Brownback: yes we should talk but we should say we are “confronting them” that will solve it

Wolf: really??

Brownback: oh yeah they had a bus drivers strike its like Montogomery Alabama

Hunter: ok let's talk but we don’t give up the right to bomb anyone anytime -- also we reserve the right to take out all 1,000 centrifuges in Iran

Wolf: should we u nuke Iran

Hunter: well u know never say never dood

Rudy: b4 I would talk to iran I would make them promise never to get nukes

Wolf: but they have nukes now

Rudy: yeah the democrats are living the 1990s after all Iran is a threat they can deliver a nuclear warhead--

Wolf: wait dood what did u just say???

Rudy: maybe they will e-mail a nuclear a bomb to terrorists did u ever think of that??

Wolf: wha???

Rudy: Fort Dix...JFK - this threat is real dood

Wolf: should the Law & Order guy named Thompson run for President

Thompson: yeah sure why not I’m dropping out soon anyway

Wolf: Rudy catholic leaders say ur a big sinner

Rudy: dood heres what I think on abortion

[ Lightning Strikes!!! ]

Wolf: whoa dood god is out to get u

Rudy: Yikes

Romney: I explained that roe v wade went to far when it led to embryo farming I mean they don’t even produce ethanol

Q: Huckster do u believe adam and eve rode dinosaurs to church

Huckabee: to me its simple you either believe god built the earth like a lego set 6,000 years ago or u can vote for a pagan atheist like Rudy over there

Wolf: dood r u descended from a monkey

Huckabee: well im not but maybe Tancredo is

Brownback: I believe god gave me cancer and I beat him thanx to science and saint anselm

McCain: I think kidz should all be exposed to all theories but not the Flying Spaghetti monster unless pastor Huckabee sez its ok

Romney: John F Kennedy wuz a member of freak ass religion too but u know I believe in the Bible, Jesus, the Declaration of Independence, and L Ron Hubbard

Ron Paul: I think localities should enact hate legislation not the federal government

Q: dood is global warming real

Guiliani: oh sure its real the best way to deal with it is to put Mitt Romney on the moon where he belongs

Romney: I would luv to go the moon but goddammit why is our oil under foreign lands where its scary!!!

McCain: I think oil companies should build nuclear plants

Q: dood why would they do that

McCain: beats the fuck out of me we should go where no man has gone before

Ron Paul: why are subsidizing oil companies - now I commit heresy we overthrew the leader of Iran over oil dammitt!!!

Gilmore: we should use new energies like biomass coal, gas, nuclear, solar, methane, cows, guano, firewood, kindling, rolled up newspapers, and marshamallows

Q: gayz in the military

Paul: why are gays asking for special rights lets just forbid them and they can shut up and stop whining

Huckabee: its alredy covered

Wolf: what is

Huckabee: IT

Wolf: huh?

Huck: what?

Guilani: now is it now the time look were at war we’re trying to build a Hybrid Army!

Romney: I thought it was don't ask don't tell was silly at first now is not the time for me to answer that question I’ll get back to you

McCain: I luv all brave soliders except the gay ones they’re bad and we should get rid of them even if we lose all wars

Wolf: does no one here luv the gays or men named Leslie??????

Q: How would u use George W. Bush

Thompson: not the UN that’s for sure

Brownback: Bill Clinton has violated the rulz by butting in and making Bush look bad by being all competent and its not fair whaaaaaa!!!!

Tancredo: fuck George W. Bush

Q: why are Republicans in fucking freefall?

Huckabee: aside from Iraq, Katrina, immigration, and corruption -- gee I don’t know. But this I do know - American needs to build a really really big fence!!!

Wolf: Pardon Scooter Libby?

Hunter: let me talk about immigrations we should shoot immigrants on sight goddammitt!!

Wolf: show of hands pardon Scooter Libby

Rudy: yes and no but yes

Wolf: yes or no dood

Rudy: blah blah blah

Romney: Fitzgerald is a very bad man

Brownback: Valerie Plame wuz not covert

Tancredo: yes because I expect to be on trial myself someday

Wolf: ok now Tom Tancredo will move all the chairs around while we get ready for the rest of the debate

Tancredo: hey

Wolf: u know the rules dood

[ back from break ]

Q: my little brother was killed in Iraq what would you do to bring our troops our home

Hunter: my son Duncan joined the marines on sept 12 IF we can win and IF Iraqis luvs America and IF it becomes like Japan and IF rainbows and unicorns live in Iraq then we can all live on lollipops

Brownback: Dems want us to be defeated whereas I wants to rip the county up into pieces and then pull out

McCain: dood that’s the dumbest idea I ever heard it will be long and hard and tough and so more young must die so your brother didn’t die in vain awwwwwwwwww

Q: Let’s fuck up Iraq some more yeah!!!

Paul: Jeebus lady yur drinking the kool aid what the fuck are our troops patrolling the streets of some middle east country use your fucking head

Guiliani: thank god we invaded Iraq it will prevent another terrorist attack we must engage in nation building but in order to make it happen we must crush the iraqis and its not too late Petraeus will tell the surge is the best yeah!!!

Lorelei Gilmore: when I was on the tv show the set was so pretty I wish America could be like that

Tancredo: I luv the whole earthy thing after all Teddy Roosevelt did it we just have to make it profitable the free market works perfectly on saving the tragedy of the commons

Q: doods drugs are cheaper in Spain why

Rudy: everyone should get a tax deduction to buy health insurance just like car insurance for example some people are happy to live with some diseases while others won’t -- everyone should get to choose about what level of sickness they are willing to live with

Hunter: my father-in-law is a drug criminal so I know so the solution is for American innovation to subsidize the rest of the world - isn’t that a great idea?

Wolf: no dood it sux

Blooger: Health insurance??

Thompson: awesome finally a question I can answer. We should have a wellness system, also obesity, tobacco, information technology, and a bill o frights

Romney: in my state we fixed it without the government - here I will talk about my plan endlessly without saying what the hell it is

Q: what is the most pressing moral issue facing America

Huckabee: that every life that votes republican is very precious for example we have fetishized the fetuses but Islamic jihadists are not Americans and so they blow people up

Rudy: I agree but I would put it this way we need to bomb the shit out of the middle east until they agree that America is superior

Paul: preemptive war. Holy cow now we are talking about nuclear strikes over countries that scare us a little bit that’s plain nutty

Brownback: If this party nominates rudy guilani this party will go to hell this used to be a party that believed that every sperm was sacred until the GOP decided he needed to be executed.

Q: Mitt yur a big flip flopper on Spanish

Mitt Romney: I luv immigrants they’re faaaaaaabulous!!!!!!

But I hate illegal immigrants notice I’m not answering the question - Europe Asia lets talk big exporting businesses

Tancredo: bilingual countries don’t work! Only English works!!!

Wolf: dood Canada, Switzerland

McCain: muchas gracies senor yanqi loco - I luv Hispanics!

Q: doodz why duz Bush suck

McCain: spending and corruption earmarking

Rudy: I would use statistical measuring programs for everything

Romney: Ronald Reagan had a vision lets export shit

Brownback: I think we should end death by cancer in America

Wolf: asshole I was asking why u lost in 2006

Tommy: healthcare and iraq and Democrats

Tancredo: Bush lost because he is a liberal and you can tell because Bush is very popular on liberal blogs

Paul: bush ran against nation-building and guess what happened

Gilmore: first they ousted Republicans and then they canceled my tv show its so sad I hate hillary

Hunter: I hate gay people

Huckabee: Republicans lost in 2006 because taxes are too high and there are too many immigrants

Q: what is an American

Tancredo: u must cut all ties from the past and only eat American food like pizza and General Tso’s chicken

Huckabee: I think u should be able to come to America but only thu Ticketmaster

Guiliani: legal immigrants are cool Tancredo is a know-nothing but the best America said Abe Lincoln is one who believes in crackin’ some skullz!!

McCain: sorry what I was napping let me ramble nonsensically for a minute

Q: how do we rescue the GOP

Gilmore: when I wuz on the Gilmore Girlz we had high ratings because had nifty patter and that can save America

Wolf: Ah-nold is the best!!!

Hunter: no he sux did u know Romney is a socialist and that all three of them helped Ted Kennedy kill somebody

Romey: now wait a minute let me give a stool sample family values

Rudy: Islamic terrorism - we are the party that lives in fear that us unites us

McCain: Islamic crazies are evil look at fort dix my friends we must become completely insane if that’s what it takes to win!!!!


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