Monday, June 25, 2007

Gloom and Doom on a Sunny Day, Dude!

**********************************************************
Gloom and Doom on a Sunny Day, Dude!!
by Emily Yoffe
The Washington Post
Monday, June 25, 2007
**********************************************************

“Sunny days, chasing the clouds away...”

Okay, so I’m hanging with my girlfriends and they’re all like, “wow, it’s 75 degrees in January, this like really really scary!!!” and I’m like, “no way guys this is totally awesome!!”

This dude called Al Gore, who I think is like a teacher or something, is trying to scare us and bum us out with all this global warming stuff.

Like, what...ever!!! That guy is just trying to terrify a lot of innocent little children so he can win like a Noble Prize or Oscar or whatever. And dude, that is just so uncool.

I refuse to hear it. It’s hawt and as far as I’m concerned that totally rocks! Who wants to shovel snow when you can sunbathe in balmy weather??

Next he’ll tell me I can "get skin cancer" if I don’t "wear sunscreen." What a killjoy that dude is!!

You don’t protect people from terrible stuff by being all negative, you know.

Like my friend Stacy, she totally had an eating disorder. Finally we were all like, "Stacy, you should eat more or you will totally like die and stuff." Well she almost did die, but you know why she finally started eating??

'Cause this hunky dude Brad said, "Stacy yur totally hawt but yur too skinny." And that’s what did it. So it just goes to show you scaring people doesn’t always work. Guess Al Gore doesn’t know everything!!

Anyway, sure global warming is bad, but c’mon, it’s not like when the Nazis bombed Peal Harbor or when Saddam attacked New York City. It’s the weather dood!!

Now we hear Gore is gonna be everywhere this summer ('cause it warm, right!?) He’s got a movie and kid’s book and tv shows and a concert.

That could be cool and I like Leo DiCaprio (hey did u hear he’s gonna make a new movie with Kate Winselt? Sooo awesome!!!) But dood this had better not interfere with Dancing with the Stars or Deal or No Deal or the Duran Duran tour or I will totally not care about climate change or whatever they call it, and I think speak for many reality show fans out there!!

Ok, sure global warming could be real and destroy the human species and whatever, but, like, enough already with all the doom and gloom, dude!

I mean, the weather isn’t like out to get us or something, and if it’s nice shouldn’t we just sit back and enjoy it?? Hey look, Al Roker doesn’t always get it right so who’s to say??

(Whatever happened to Willard Scott anyway? And why isn’t he in An Inconvenient Truth??? Maybe he wouldn’t play ball??!!)

You can imagine my relief when I found out civilization won’t be shot until the end of the century, cause I totally hate the heat. (So do my dogs, Paris and Nicole, they just roll around on the bathroom floor, it’s soooo cute!!)

Anyway, the experts all got Iraq wrong so we should we trust them with weather predictions!!?? Give me a break, man.

You know, these so-called experts can’t even tell me what the weather was like 200 years ago, but they know what it will be like 100 years from now?? And for this I’m supposed to give up my Hummer?? (Which totally bitching, by the way.) I don’t think so!!!

The truth no one knows why anything happens anyway. And the weather?? It’s inexplicable, like why Ben Affleck keeps getting cast in movies.

Gore is just trying to scare everybody, even though he says he down on scary movies and stuff (Although you should totally see Scary Movie – it’s the best!!)

But you know, just because some egg-headed dweeb plots something on a graph doesn’t make it true. The real truth is your heart.

At least that’s what my friend Stacy says.
*********************************************************************

2 comments:

dave™© said...

Fucking awesome, dude!

Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!