Friday, June 29, 2007

Democratic Presidential Debate on PBS June 28, 2007

Democratic Presidential Debate
June 28, 2007
Channel: PBS
Location: Howard University
Moderator: Tavis Smiley

Tavis Smiley: hi i'm Tavis Smiley and as you can see i'm more compelling than our president and most of the candidates as well

[ cut to audience reading books ]

Smiley: u can't lead people if u don't luv people and so tonite we're going to ask the candidates how much they luv people and i mean LUV PEOPLE!!

Audience: woo!

Smiley: let quote Paul Robeson another man much smarter and more accomplished than our President and everyone else running

Gov. Deval Patrick: hi and if you can't see yur tv -- yes i'm actually black

Smiley: right on

Patrick: just because the GOP party totally sucks doesn't mean we're going to vote Democrat they've got to show they're for real!

Audience: yeah!

[ Interminable photo op of all the candidates ]

[ candidates mill around aimlessly ]

Smiley: The first question comes from the winner of an online contest:

Online Contest Winner: w.e.b. DuBois said race wuz a big deal in America. Is race still a big deal?

Hillary Clinton: you're damm right it is i mean sure you got Obama over there and Richardson and i'm kinda black since i'm a woman - but look at Katrina and today's overturning of brown v. board of education it’s terrible i'm just glad thurgood marshall is dead so he didn't live to see this

Joe Biden: oh yeah the Supremes are all assholes especially teh black guy - but remember when i wore the funny hate in the Alito confirmation hearings? I even made Mrs Alito cry!!

Bill Richardson: race is totally important in the USA and as you can see i'm looking extra dark tonight as proof i'm down with african americans

Guest: uh-huh

Richardson: i'm Latiiiiinoooooooo!!!!

John Edwards: i'm an honorary black because i'm from north carolina where there are lot of historically black colleges

Guest: totally

Edwards: i luv to talk about poverty and the 2 americas, its about education and health care and don’t forget fucking voting rights!

Audience: yeah!

Obama: well unlike everyone else what would i know about race [rolls eyes]

Guest: heh

Obama: but i'm also an american and it's good for america to make progress in this area

Audience: woo!
[ cut to al sharpton in audience sitting next to harry belafonte ]

Smiley: Well that a very boring answer Barack

Dennis Kucinich: I hear you someone stole my boots -- but anyway we need a constitutional amendment guaranteeing kindergarten, a high school education, health care, head start, college...

Audience: yay!

Smiley: ok that's enough

Gravel: dood don’t fool yourself this country will be racist for a long time here's teh proof the war on drugs is targeting minorities and inner cities when will we learn dammitt i pledge to legalize all drugs!!

Dodd: i live in Connecticut so i'm not going to pretend to understand the black man but i will say that schools in my state are segregated so i will overturn today’s supreme court decision toot suite

Smiley: don't cross me doods yur in my house but now i will turn the show over to 2 black journalists and 1 miscellaneous guy

Wickham: black unemployment what's up

Biden: the problems start when they're born like for example black mothers don't talk to their children enough i've studied this

Wickham: that’s your solution

Biden: smaller classrooms and better teachers

Richardson: people always say, ‘how will u pay for education but no one ever sez how will u pay for a war’

Audience: yeah!

Richardson: better breakfasts like egg mcmuffins with sausage I luv those

Edwards: this is the cause of my life!! but look there is no one single cause of poverty -- we need to start really, really, early like at the zygote stage

Smiley: oh ok

Edwards: also help unions and raise wages

Obama: more parental counseling cause black parents need a lot of advice

Smiley: sing it brother

Obama: we need more after-school specials like ‘dood i think my mom is an alcoholic my dad said so when he was abusing me’

Smiley: yeah that was a good one

Obama: these are all our children!

Kucinich: doods workingmen of the world need to unite and defund the war and cut 15% of the Pentagon budget!!

Audience: awesome!
[ big applause ]

Gravel: dennis u r too conservative i would cut so much more from the military budget the people must revolt!!

Audience: boo-yah!!
[ wild applause ]

Dodd: umm...yeah… well...uh... see.. i'm not that radical but i always support the black or african types working at the country club and Head Start is important...

Smiley: ok enough white dood

Clinton: hey I’m wearing pink and black!

Smiley: u look like an extra from ‘Grease’

Clinton: doods i've fought for education rights but let's be really fucking honest there is real goddam racism out there!!

Audience: finally!

Questioner: AIDS crisis what's up

Richardson: dood we need needles but we also have to go to the source in Africa and u gotta admit George Bush is really good on this i mean teh dude is on the cover of ‘Vanity Fair’!!!

Edwards: black women are much more likely to get AIDS did u know that

Smiley: yes i did

Edwards: anyway we should cure AIDS that would help

Obama: you are all missing the point too many black women are getting AIDS because we don't talk about AIDS in teh black community there is a stigma to it because of homophobia

Smiley: really I'm surprised u said that

Obama: wait there's more -- I’ll be really honest all these things like poverty and education and poor health care and behavior are interconnected like Paris Hilton said ‘its a vicious circle’ -- the black community has a disease to its immune system and if it’s not AIDS it's drugs or it's guns and everyone here knows it but they’re too politically correct to say so

Smiley: wow

Kucinich: the Keebler elves have suffered discrimination so i know what the black community is going thru

Smiley: that’s good point

Kucinich: we need to teach teenagers about sex but michael moore is right we need Cuban health care

Gravel: i challenge the whippersnappers on the stage to end the War On Drugs heck i'm on nine different pillz right now all i see are seven flying creatures!

Dodd: well im certainly glad i get to follow Mike Gravel… i can't tell u how happy i am about that -- anyway i know that blacks have obesity and diabetes and shit like that so…

Smiley: enough dood yur boring

Gravel: back back you flying dogs aaahhhh

Clinton: Right on Smiley yur my homey!

Smiley: i luv you too darlin'

Clinton: if AIDS were the leading cause of death of white women people would get mad and you’re damm right something would be done about it!!

Audience: oh yeah!!
[ standing ovation ]

Clinton: i rock -- though im not Paris Hilton heh heh -- lets fund AIDS its not a gay men’s disease

Audience: uh-huh!!

Biden: fuck u all so i'm white - so what!!

Smiley: calm down dood

Biden: goddammit i've been tested for AIDS with my partner Barack Obama and i told black women stop having sex and i even taught black men how to put on a condom -- of course my was smaller and I’m not ashamed to admit it!!!

Obama: whoa hold on dood i'm not gay i wuz tested with my fucking wife in Kenya cause you know AIDS is everywhere there

Smiley: if you say so dood but have Michelle call me if anything changes

Biden: hey I had a brief affair with Magic Johnson i got tested because i though i had fucking AIDS!!!

Smiley: warren buffett sez rich aren't taxed enough

Edwards: why is wealth taxed less than work it’s wrong

Obama: damm right look people don't want charity just basic fairness

Gravel: end the income tax!! It's corrupt! National regressive sales tax!!!

Dodd: oh good lord Gravel is giving me a fucking headache… I say we should give a tax break to Halliburton if they relocate to the inner city

Smiley: yeah thats a real good plan

Clinton: whatever dood all i know is under Bill and me the economy totally rocked

Biden: as a black man i say we should lower taxes

Richardson: zero taxes for technology start ups and the ones that hire doods in the inner city

Smiley: but that will never happen

Richardson: new jobs and -

Smiley: shut up -- ok what about blacks in prison

Obama: racial profiling is bad but then u get accused of being soft on crime

Kucinich: drug rehab not jail like the Hollywood kids do it

Gravel: nothing will change until you take to the streets with torches and pitchforks!!!

Dood: there’s a huge disparity in the quality of crack and powdered cocaine in this country and that troubles me

Clinton: I agree we need to look at powder and crack cocaine and get a better attorney general and president who isn’t hooked on both

audience: yee-haw!

Biden: a lot of doods get addicted to drugs in jail

Richardson: i learned about the plight of blacks from reading Travis Smiley’s book and i learned we should let Americans join a union

Kucinich: Levees dood! There are not even jobs for people in New Orleans!

Question: right of people from New Orleans to return yes or no??

Dodd: sure why not this debate was a big mistake anyway

Gravel: War on Drugs! Iraq is bad!

Clinton: I have a 10 point plan to address New Orleans hospitals, fire departments, police, workers, and --

Biden: its a national problem now lets go to town!

Richardson: it’s a disgrace I would support right of return also I support the ‘Katrina and the Waves Act’ of Representative Waters

Edwards: I would create a cabinet position just to rebuild New Orleans that dood would report to me everyday

Obama: everyone just assumed the people of New Orleans could just get in their air conditioned SUVs with their Perrier - the neglect began before the hurricane

Question: outsourcing is a big problem who’s side are you on

Gravel: no outsourcing is not a problem all my opponents want to fund health care on he backs of hard working corporations!

Dodd: finally an opening from the Senator Crazy! Yes I object to outsourcing I have a plan to prevent the Pentagon from outsourcing jobs

Smiley: how will that help dood

Dodd: it won’t it’s a gimmick

Clinton: sure it’s a problem I tried to help upstate new york with my 10 point plan its about better education and nine other points

Biden: tax breaks won’t do it we need to help corporations and build more tunnels and bridges

Smiley: tunnels dood ok

Richardson : I would beef up science and math education and ban slave and child labor

Edwards: my dad was fired from his mill because of outsourcing we need to stop tax breaks for buzineses that fired my dad

Obama: I turned down high paying law firm jobs to help people fired due to outsourcing - so suck it John Edwards

Kucinich: yur all phonies I’ve been arrested lots to times to protest worker conditions – when I’m President I’m going to cancel NAFTA

Moderator: dood you will never be president calm down

Question: We Americans did shit in Rwanda now what are we going to do in Darfur

Dodd: get our military out of iraq and into a safe place like Sudan

Clinton: send some UN Peacekeepers and provide NATO support

Smiley: not American troops that’s weak

Clinton: ok we could shoot their planes down like in Top Gun

Biden: I’ve been yelling about this for years create a no-fly zone and put American troops on the ground!!

Smiley: not bad dood too bad you can’t win either

Richardson: genocide is more important that sports so lets pull out of the Olympics in China also we need to address the massive rapes

Smiley: ok enough out of you

Edwards: what if we spent the money from Iraq to give every kid in Africa a high school education

Smiley: umm, okay...

Edwards: and fund stopping disease and economic development and clean drinking water and-

Smiley: yur done

Gravel: I’m thirsty and Matlock is coming on

Obama: save the kidz in Zimbabwe and save the world!

Kucinich: if Darfur had oil we would occupy it right now!!!

Audience: right on!

Smiley: someone shut Keebler up

Gravel: huh? What? oh right? I’m supposed to speak uhh...

Audience: we can’t hear you grandpa

Gravel: ehhh, you all suck I’m gonna go watch Matclock

Smiley: and that will wrap up tonight’s debate thank you all for watching!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

hahaha ROFL - everyone one in the place was too busy googooing everything said that they probably didn't catch how "right on" Gravel was on tax reform ("You'll never see tax reform in your lifetimes based on how these people up here have been talking!")

Gravel's tax take (listen for the absolute end, it's priceless):