Democratic Presidential Debate
June 28, 2007
Location: Howard University
Moderator: Tavis Smiley
Tavis Smiley: hi i'm Tavis Smiley and as you can see i'm more compelling than our president and most of the candidates as well
[ cut to audience reading books ]
Smiley: u can't lead people if u don't luv people and so tonite we're going to ask the candidates how much they luv people and i mean LUV PEOPLE!!
Smiley: let quote Paul Robeson another man much smarter and more accomplished than our President and everyone else running
Gov. Deval Patrick: hi and if you can't see yur tv -- yes i'm actually black
Smiley: right on
Patrick: just because the GOP party totally sucks doesn't mean we're going to vote Democrat they've got to show they're for real!
[ Interminable photo op of all the candidates ]
[ candidates mill around aimlessly ]
Smiley: The first question comes from the winner of an online contest:
Online Contest Winner: w.e.b. DuBois said race wuz a big deal in America. Is race still a big deal?
Hillary Clinton: you're damm right it is i mean sure you got Obama over there and Richardson and i'm kinda black since i'm a woman - but look at Katrina and today's overturning of brown v. board of education it’s terrible i'm just glad thurgood marshall is dead so he didn't live to see this
Joe Biden: oh yeah the Supremes are all assholes especially teh black guy - but remember when i wore the funny hate in the Alito confirmation hearings? I even made Mrs Alito cry!!
Bill Richardson: race is totally important in the USA and as you can see i'm looking extra dark tonight as proof i'm down with african americans
Richardson: i'm Latiiiiinoooooooo!!!!
John Edwards: i'm an honorary black because i'm from north carolina where there are lot of historically black colleges
Edwards: i luv to talk about poverty and the 2 americas, its about education and health care and don’t forget fucking voting rights!
Obama: well unlike everyone else what would i know about race [rolls eyes]
Obama: but i'm also an american and it's good for america to make progress in this area
[ cut to al sharpton in audience sitting next to harry belafonte ]
Smiley: Well that a very boring answer Barack
Dennis Kucinich: I hear you someone stole my boots -- but anyway we need a constitutional amendment guaranteeing kindergarten, a high school education, health care, head start, college...
Smiley: ok that's enough
Gravel: dood don’t fool yourself this country will be racist for a long time here's teh proof the war on drugs is targeting minorities and inner cities when will we learn dammitt i pledge to legalize all drugs!!
Dodd: i live in Connecticut so i'm not going to pretend to understand the black man but i will say that schools in my state are segregated so i will overturn today’s supreme court decision toot suite
Smiley: don't cross me doods yur in my house but now i will turn the show over to 2 black journalists and 1 miscellaneous guy
Wickham: black unemployment what's up
Biden: the problems start when they're born like for example black mothers don't talk to their children enough i've studied this
Wickham: that’s your solution
Biden: smaller classrooms and better teachers
Richardson: people always say, ‘how will u pay for education but no one ever sez how will u pay for a war’
Richardson: better breakfasts like egg mcmuffins with sausage I luv those
Edwards: this is the cause of my life!! but look there is no one single cause of poverty -- we need to start really, really, early like at the zygote stage
Smiley: oh ok
Edwards: also help unions and raise wages
Obama: more parental counseling cause black parents need a lot of advice
Smiley: sing it brother
Obama: we need more after-school specials like ‘dood i think my mom is an alcoholic my dad said so when he was abusing me’
Smiley: yeah that was a good one
Obama: these are all our children!
Kucinich: doods workingmen of the world need to unite and defund the war and cut 15% of the Pentagon budget!!
[ big applause ]
Gravel: dennis u r too conservative i would cut so much more from the military budget the people must revolt!!
[ wild applause ]
Dodd: umm...yeah… well...uh... see.. i'm not that radical but i always support the black or african types working at the country club and Head Start is important...
Smiley: ok enough white dood
Clinton: hey I’m wearing pink and black!
Smiley: u look like an extra from ‘Grease’
Clinton: doods i've fought for education rights but let's be really fucking honest there is real goddam racism out there!!
Questioner: AIDS crisis what's up
Richardson: dood we need needles but we also have to go to the source in Africa and u gotta admit George Bush is really good on this i mean teh dude is on the cover of ‘Vanity Fair’!!!
Edwards: black women are much more likely to get AIDS did u know that
Smiley: yes i did
Edwards: anyway we should cure AIDS that would help
Obama: you are all missing the point too many black women are getting AIDS because we don't talk about AIDS in teh black community there is a stigma to it because of homophobia
Smiley: really I'm surprised u said that
Obama: wait there's more -- I’ll be really honest all these things like poverty and education and poor health care and behavior are interconnected like Paris Hilton said ‘its a vicious circle’ -- the black community has a disease to its immune system and if it’s not AIDS it's drugs or it's guns and everyone here knows it but they’re too politically correct to say so
Kucinich: the Keebler elves have suffered discrimination so i know what the black community is going thru
Smiley: that’s good point
Kucinich: we need to teach teenagers about sex but michael moore is right we need Cuban health care
Gravel: i challenge the whippersnappers on the stage to end the War On Drugs heck i'm on nine different pillz right now all i see are seven flying creatures!
Dodd: well im certainly glad i get to follow Mike Gravel… i can't tell u how happy i am about that -- anyway i know that blacks have obesity and diabetes and shit like that so yeah..um…
Smiley: enough dood yur boring
Gravel: back back you flying dogs aaahhhh
Clinton: Right on Smiley yur my homey!
Smiley: i luv you too darlin'
Clinton: if AIDS were the leading cause of death of white women people would get mad and you’re damm right something would be done about it!!
Audience: oh yeah!!
[ standing ovation ]
Clinton: i rock -- though im not Paris Hilton heh heh -- lets fund AIDS its not a gay men’s disease
Biden: fuck u all so i'm white - so what!!
Smiley: calm down dood
Biden: goddammit i've been tested for AIDS with my partner Barack Obama and i told black women stop having sex and i even taught black men how to put on a condom -- of course my was smaller and I’m not ashamed to admit it!!!
Obama: whoa hold on dood i'm not gay i wuz tested with my fucking wife in Kenya cause you know AIDS is everywhere there
Smiley: if you say so dood but have Michelle call me if anything changes
Biden: hey I had a brief affair with Magic Johnson i got tested because i though i had fucking AIDS!!!
Smiley: warren buffett sez rich aren't taxed enough
Edwards: why is wealth taxed less than work it’s wrong
Obama: damm right look people don't want charity just basic fairness
Gravel: end the income tax!! It's corrupt! National regressive sales tax!!!
Dodd: oh good lord Gravel is giving me a fucking headache… I say we should give a tax break to Halliburton if they relocate to the inner city
Smiley: yeah thats a real good plan
Clinton: whatever dood all i know is under Bill and me the economy totally rocked
Biden: as a black man i say we should lower taxes
Richardson: zero taxes for technology start ups and the ones that hire doods in the inner city
Smiley: but that will never happen
Richardson: new jobs and -
Smiley: shut up -- ok what about blacks in prison
Obama: racial profiling is bad but then u get accused of being soft on crime
Kucinich: drug rehab not jail like the Hollywood kids do it
Gravel: nothing will change until you take to the streets with torches and pitchforks!!!
Dood: there’s a huge disparity in the quality of crack and powdered cocaine in this country and that troubles me
Clinton: I agree we need to look at powder and crack cocaine and get a better attorney general and president who isn’t hooked on both
Biden: a lot of doods get addicted to drugs in jail
Richardson: i learned about the plight of blacks from reading Travis Smiley’s book and i learned we should let Americans join a union
Kucinich: Levees dood! There are not even jobs for people in New Orleans!
Question: right of people from New Orleans to return yes or no??
Dodd: sure why not this debate was a big mistake anyway
Gravel: War on Drugs! Iraq is bad!
Clinton: I have a 10 point plan to address New Orleans hospitals, fire departments, police, workers, and --
Biden: its a national problem now lets go to town!
Richardson: it’s a disgrace I would support right of return also I support the ‘Katrina and the Waves Act’ of Representative Waters
Edwards: I would create a cabinet position just to rebuild New Orleans that dood would report to me everyday
Obama: everyone just assumed the people of New Orleans could just get in their air conditioned SUVs with their Perrier - the neglect began before the hurricane
Question: outsourcing is a big problem who’s side are you on
Gravel: no outsourcing is not a problem all my opponents want to fund health care on he backs of hard working corporations!
Dodd: finally an opening from the Senator Crazy! Yes I object to outsourcing I have a plan to prevent the Pentagon from outsourcing jobs
Smiley: how will that help dood
Dodd: it won’t it’s a gimmick
Clinton: sure it’s a problem I tried to help upstate new york with my 10 point plan its about better education and nine other points
Biden: tax breaks won’t do it we need to help corporations and build more tunnels and bridges
Smiley: tunnels dood ok
Richardson : I would beef up science and math education and ban slave and child labor
Edwards: my dad was fired from his mill because of outsourcing we need to stop tax breaks for buzineses that fired my dad
Obama: I turned down high paying law firm jobs to help people fired due to outsourcing - so suck it John Edwards
Kucinich: yur all phonies I’ve been arrested lots to times to protest worker conditions – when I’m President I’m going to cancel NAFTA
Moderator: dood you will never be president calm down
Question: We Americans did shit in Rwanda now what are we going to do in Darfur
Dodd: get our military out of iraq and into a safe place like Sudan
Clinton: send some UN Peacekeepers and provide NATO support
Smiley: not American troops that’s weak
Clinton: ok we could shoot their planes down like in Top Gun
Biden: I’ve been yelling about this for years create a no-fly zone and put American troops on the ground!!
Smiley: not bad dood too bad you can’t win either
Richardson: genocide is more important that sports so lets pull out of the Olympics in China also we need to address the massive rapes
Smiley: ok enough out of you
Edwards: what if we spent the money from Iraq to give every kid in Africa a high school education
Smiley: umm, okay...
Edwards: and fund stopping disease and economic development and clean drinking water and-
Smiley: yur done
Gravel: I’m thirsty and Matlock is coming on
Obama: save the kidz in Zimbabwe and save the world!
Kucinich: if Darfur had oil we would occupy it right now!!!
Audience: right on!
Smiley: someone shut Keebler up
Gravel: huh? What? oh right? I’m supposed to speak uhh...
Audience: we can’t hear you grandpa
Gravel: ehhh, you all suck I’m gonna go watch Matclock
Smiley: and that will wrap up tonight’s debate thank you all for watching!