Democratic Debate - Sunday, June 4 2007

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Democratic Debate - Sunday, June 4 2007

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Wolf: I want everyone to introduce themselves

Gravel: hi my name is Mike and my campaign is not fake

Dennis Kucinich: I'm from Cleveland city of almost winners teh NBA title!!

Q: Obama, could it be that Bush is really great because we haven't been attacked since 9/11

Obama: no way dood Bush has made us less safer - he's helped Al Qaeda recruit, loss sight of terrorists in Afghanistan, and if we don't get cracking we will be attacked again

Wolf: Edwards you say the war on terror bumper sticker and not a plan - dood aren't we at war!!!

John Edwards: dood its all a cheap political slogan Bush made up so could use it justify all his crazy wiretapping and torture and shit

Hillary: i do not agree u know I was covered with the dust of 9/11 and they are a small band of doods who want to foist islam on all us and I'll be damned if i will wear a burka

Wolf: Dennis the JFK terror plot is super scary!!!!

Kucinich: Ben Franklin said those who drive down a cul de sac are doomed to drive around in a circle

Biden: i voted for the funding bill but look bush is a liar and the truth is that IEDs are really dangerous and i tried to fund V-shaped vehicles to stop that

Wolf: Hillary why do you play politics with the lives of our troops?

Hillary: the best way to support the troops is to bring those doods home but look we democrats are all united it’s those fucking Republicans who are wrong

Wolf: Obama why do you hate the troops?

Obama: because Iraq requires a political solution you idiot

Edwards: we recently had a moment of truth and some loosers on this stage voted wrong and even if some of them voted right they were cowardly cause they waited until the last minute that's not leadership

Obama: dood you are 4 years to late on you're so-called leadership so why don't you shut your white ass up

Hillary: right on bro!

[high five each other]

Hillary: look this is Bush's war and we're all trying to end this war in our own way i have a three step plan stop trying to start a fight between us Wolf

Wolf: fight! fight! fight!

Edwards: they are too quiet about their opposition to the war that's a clear difference

Dodd: may i talk

Wolf: if you insist

Dodd: this war is the suckiest thing ever and we have to end it

Wolf: let me make up crazy hypothetical questios what if withdrawal leads to a genocide in iraq

Richardson: i have unique position i think its a civil war and i would deauthorize the war

Wolf: what about the fake genocide i made up

Richardson: Darfur is terrible..

Wolf: dammitt what if Spiderman fought Superman who would win??

Gravel: Democrats voted for the war! Vietnam! Dominoes! Communist!

Wolf: ok that's enough from you

Wolf: Major Mike sez did all the troops who died waste their lives or should we stay forever?

Kucinich: this is totally a Democratic war - yank all the funding!

Biden: oh fer god's sake let's stop lying we have 50 votes in teh Senate you need 67 votes to end the war! George Bush has been emboldening the enemy!

Wolf: do you regret your vote to authorize force?

Hillary: i read the documents and thought sending the inspectors back for coercive diplomacy was a good idea lets not rehash the past

Edwards: i will admit that i was wrong and Obama was right - hillary won't do it

Wolf: Obama is that vote a disqualifier

Obama: not necessarily although i will say maybe you could have bothered to read the NIE

Wolf: interesting

Obama: thanx Edwards for your compliment i thought Bush was a big fearmongering liar and guess what i was right

Gravel: anyone who voted for this war is immoral and they are responsible 3,000 deaths

Hillary: well duh if had Gravel's time machine no i wouldn't vote the same way but i trusted bush to keep the inspectors in and bush pulled them out it's all Shrub's fault

Q: Richardson you’re hispanic are all those 12 million illegal aliens your relatives

Wolf: let repeat the entire question because CNN is like a high school AV club without the technical expertise

Richardson: well they’re not all my cousins of course i would hire 2 more border guards and punish corporations

Wolf: is it amnesty?

Bill: no

Wolf: yes it is!

Bill: no it isn’t we have the nifty touch-back program

Wolf: alright enough from you pedro

Biden: we need a big fence how can we send 10 million people back - look folks sometimes when you are President you have to be practical

Wolf: Obama, should we build a 700 mile fence with Canada?

Obama: why not guys with TB are sneaking in - but look i think getting these people to pay a fine is the best we're ever going to get.

Wolf: Should English be the official language?

Gravel: damm right i speak english sort of

Obama [interrupting] : dood you are trying to divide us and Wolf you are an asshole for bringing this up - wow i am so ruling this debate

Hillary: damm Obama beat me to it you know in New York alot of people speak other languages and not just Spanish but Chinese and whatever it is James Carville does

Dodd: we should all learn to speak Arabic

Wolf: health care - give me your easy solution

Edwards: Americans needs more mental health coverage i mean have you seen Hardball?

Obama: i would take on the insurance and drug companies who are hoarding their profits they roll around in piles of money naked every night

Hillary: heh heh oh i'm loving this look the plan is not the important thing -- the important thing is to be ready when the attacks from the entrenched interests come and they will

Richardson: in New Mexico we made every child under five eat their vegetables

Wolf: wow how

Richardson: my wife did it she's tough

Dodd: we have a shameful system what with infant mortality and it will take cooperation to get this done

Edwards: let me cite the New Republic even though it has no credibility and bash hillary and Obama we should require universal health coverage

Obama: ok Edwards dood some people won't be able afford coverage under your plan so how is that universal

Edwards: we make the children pay for it

Obama: how can a child make that much money

Edwards: maybe they can cut hair

Wolf: gayz in teh military

Hillary: you don't have to be straight to shoot straight!

Wolf: but wasn't ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ a mistake

Hillary: goddammit do you know how much heat Bill took for that policy you moron

Wolf: no i meant shouldn't he drum the gays all out and have them shunned

Biden: look i spent the night in a foxhole with american soldiers and no one asked me if i was gay

Gravel: [from offstage] We should've gotten rid of it 20 years ago!!!

Richardson: i would have civil unions and-

Wolf: shut up or i'll have you deported

Edwards: hillary is a petty legislator - we need a leader!

Gravel: Harry Truman outed Omar Bradley and that was very brave

Wolf: Hypo - you have a Bill Clinton under your command what do you do?

Richardson: to answer your stupid question i would make Bill UN ambassador or send him and hillary to the middle east

Obama: let me use this question to make myself look good - see how clever i am - its time to dump the foreign policy bluster and stupidity and be smart cool and black - hot damm slam dunk!

Hillary: ha ha ha - first i would have bill observed at all times heh heh and sure i would send away i never see him anyway

Wolf: gas prices!

Dodd: solar, wind, price fixing

Wolf: do not diss my beard dood!

Gravel: fuck you all i'm from Alaska i luv high gas prices!

Edwards: i'm a lawyer and i know something fishy is going on with these companies

Richardson: i have a very aggressive energy plan

Wolf: i ignore you i think you're a shifty eyed illegal

Now for Kwestuns from Regular Peeple!

Military Wife: how do you rebuild the military

Wolf: let's let the crazy keebler elf handle that one

Kucinich: peace thru strength baby!

Wolf: dood rebuild military?

Dennis: a small fraction of the $97 billion goes to troops the rest goes to bonfires made of 100 dollar bills

Obama: don’t confuse the size of the military and the Pentagon budget

Wolf: i dont follow

Obama: how about treating our troops like fucking human beings and not props for Bush?

Dodd: let's not forget i'm the only one here with silver hair that's got to count for something

Gravel: [far offstage] hey!

Q: should veterans get medical care?

Obama: i luv the troops of course but let me get technical here as i am wont to do you know the VA medical system is actually pretty good do you know Congress told Medicare not to negotiate for drug prices

Wolf: wow could i get a better rate on beard trimming?

Richardson: i would create a Heroes Health Card - that way any cheerleader who saved the world would get free health care

Wolf: dood she heals automatically

Ricardson: see its already working

Gravel: [coming back onstage] hey i get all my meds from the VA

Wolf: drag him off-

Gravel: walter reed is obama's fault ! -

Wolf: get grandpa's robe and slippers

Obama: Hey Abe let me finish

Gravel: oh matlock's on gotta go

Hillary: we spoke with the USSR when they were a real threat to us and said they would bury us we can talk to Iran

Wolf: Iran is scary

Hillary: Iran can never be allowed to build the bomb!

Wolf: what if they do

hillary: sending dick cheney is not the answer

Edwards: iran is not that scary really we can use carrots and sticks

Wolf: let me make up some stupid hypothetical where Iran is about to nuke Topeka Kansas

Biden: my dear wolfie you are true moron, aren't you?

Wolf: uhhhh

Biden: ok yes i would bomb iran

Hillary: we have to focus like a lazer beam on terror i spoke with the leaders of pakistan and they said Bush is teh suck

Wolf: should be we kill innocent people!

Obama: let me make up for my hesitant answer on terror in the last debate by saying you're damm right i would kill innocent people

Wolf: killing innocents yes or no

Hillary: ok that tears it - no more stupid hypotheticals Wolf you're getting a candidate revolt on your hands!

Q: Darfur?

Biden: we all talk to much

Wolf: wow dood coming from u that's something

Biden: we could take out the janjaweed with NATO tomorrow

Wolf: Show of hands: how do you solve Darfur

Hillary: i told you a minute ago Wolf no more stupid hypos or show of hands you’re are a genuine idiot - we refuse to asnswer!

[ crowd applause ]

Richardson: we should threaten to pull out of the Chinese Olympics until the Janjaweed give up

Obama: when we suspend the habeus corpus it erodes our moral authority

Biden: LOOK AM ME I'M YELLING

Wolf: alright dood

Richardson: Bush has robbed us of our moral authority with abu ghraib and guantanamo

Q: mandatory national service?

Gravel: i think we should have mandatory Matlock!

Kucinich: we should make it mandatory to help the elderly like Senator Gravel

Dodd: dood i served in teh peace corps but we don't need draft

CNN CHYRON

TOPIC: DEFINING RICH

Obama: i hear this everywhere i go globalization sux for a lot of people

Wolf: what is rich - give me an exact number

Obama: dood i have no idea what u r saying

Wolf: on what amout will u raise my taxes

Obama: 250,000

Wolf: ouch

Edwards: 200,000

Wolf: [weeping]

Edwards: college for everyone!

Q: how do we end deficits

Richardson: Constitutional amendment to balance the budget

Wolf: oh yeah that will work

Richardson: let insurance companies control costs

Wolf: what does that even mean?

Richardson: i dunno let me take credit for the bill clinton economy

Kucinich: health care for all, green economy,

Wolf: shut up peace-elf

Blogger: earmarks are bribes will u get rid of them

Dodd: The Chinese are manipulating the currency!

Wolf: Gravel has returned from his nap and has taken his meds

Gravel: i met the Comptroller!! We can't spend all this $$$!!!!

Wolf: back to the comfy room for you

Hillary: we had a surplus when i was First Lady and we can do it again

Gravel: my social security! It's a conspiracy!

Dennis: special interests have captured America!

Biden: well ok then publicly finance elections I'M YELLING

Teacher: First 100 days what would you do?

Edwards: travel the world and tell teh world that Americans are not all crazy and lead in a very soft spoken way

Clinton: bring teh troops home!

Obama: end iraq and move on health care cause that would be a snap

Richardson: in the first day i would upgrade kindergarten its shameful also upgrade arts sand cience and math and

Wolf: that's it new mexico

Biden: solve iraq, iran and north korea

Kucinich: I would hold hands will all the leaders of the world and ask Superman to rid the world of all nuclear weapons

Gravel: i wouldn't wait i'm going to pretend i'm president right now and end teh war!

Dodd: Restore the Constitution on the first day what could be more important!!

Wolf: Next debate will be on YouTube you dont miss it and now on to the Sopranos!!