Democratic Debate - Sunday, June 4 2007
Wolf: I want everyone to introduce themselves
Gravel: hi my name is Mike and my campaign is not fake
Dennis Kucinich: I'm from Cleveland city of almost winners teh NBA title!!
Q: Obama, could it be that Bush is really great because we haven't been attacked since 9/11
Obama: no way dood Bush has made us less safer - he's helped Al Qaeda recruit, loss sight of terrorists in Afghanistan, and if we don't get cracking we will be attacked again
Wolf: Edwards you say the war on terror bumper sticker and not a plan - dood aren't we at war!!!
John Edwards: dood its all a cheap political slogan Bush made up so could use it justify all his crazy wiretapping and torture and shit
Hillary: i do not agree u know I was covered with the dust of 9/11 and they are a small band of doods who want to foist islam on all us and I'll be damned if i will wear a burka
Wolf: Dennis the JFK terror plot is super scary!!!!
Kucinich: Ben Franklin said those who drive down a cul de sac are doomed to drive around in a circle
Biden: i voted for the funding bill but look bush is a liar and the truth is that IEDs are really dangerous and i tried to fund V-shaped vehicles to stop that
Wolf: Hillary why do you play politics with the lives of our troops?
Hillary: the best way to support the troops is to bring those doods home but look we democrats are all united it’s those fucking Republicans who are wrong
Wolf: Obama why do you hate the troops?
Obama: because Iraq requires a political solution you idiot
Edwards: we recently had a moment of truth and some loosers on this stage voted wrong and even if some of them voted right they were cowardly cause they waited until the last minute that's not leadership
Obama: dood you are 4 years to late on you're so-called leadership so why don't you shut your white ass up
Hillary: right on bro!
[high five each other]
Hillary: look this is Bush's war and we're all trying to end this war in our own way i have a three step plan stop trying to start a fight between us Wolf
Wolf: fight! fight! fight!
Edwards: they are too quiet about their opposition to the war that's a clear difference
Dodd: may i talk
Wolf: if you insist
Dodd: this war is the suckiest thing ever and we have to end it
Wolf: let me make up crazy hypothetical questios what if withdrawal leads to a genocide in iraq
Richardson: i have unique position i think its a civil war and i would deauthorize the war
Wolf: what about the fake genocide i made up
Richardson: Darfur is terrible..
Wolf: dammitt what if Spiderman fought Superman who would win??
Gravel: Democrats voted for the war! Vietnam! Dominoes! Communist!
Wolf: ok that's enough from you
Wolf: Major Mike sez did all the troops who died waste their lives or should we stay forever?
Kucinich: this is totally a Democratic war - yank all the funding!
Biden: oh fer god's sake let's stop lying we have 50 votes in teh Senate you need 67 votes to end the war! George Bush has been emboldening the enemy!
Wolf: do you regret your vote to authorize force?
Hillary: i read the documents and thought sending the inspectors back for coercive diplomacy was a good idea lets not rehash the past
Edwards: i will admit that i was wrong and Obama was right - hillary won't do it
Wolf: Obama is that vote a disqualifier
Obama: not necessarily although i will say maybe you could have bothered to read the NIE
Obama: thanx Edwards for your compliment i thought Bush was a big fearmongering liar and guess what i was right
Gravel: anyone who voted for this war is immoral and they are responsible 3,000 deaths
Hillary: well duh if had Gravel's time machine no i wouldn't vote the same way but i trusted bush to keep the inspectors in and bush pulled them out it's all Shrub's fault
Q: Richardson you’re hispanic are all those 12 million illegal aliens your relatives
Wolf: let repeat the entire question because CNN is like a high school AV club without the technical expertise
Richardson: well they’re not all my cousins of course i would hire 2 more border guards and punish corporations
Wolf: is it amnesty?
Wolf: yes it is!
Bill: no it isn’t we have the nifty touch-back program
Wolf: alright enough from you pedro
Biden: we need a big fence how can we send 10 million people back - look folks sometimes when you are President you have to be practical
Wolf: Obama, should we build a 700 mile fence with Canada?
Obama: why not guys with TB are sneaking in - but look i think getting these people to pay a fine is the best we're ever going to get.
Wolf: Should English be the official language?
Gravel: damm right i speak english sort of
Obama [interrupting] : dood you are trying to divide us and Wolf you are an asshole for bringing this up - wow i am so ruling this debate
Hillary: damm Obama beat me to it you know in New York alot of people speak other languages and not just Spanish but Chinese and whatever it is James Carville does
Dodd: we should all learn to speak Arabic
Wolf: health care - give me your easy solution
Edwards: Americans needs more mental health coverage i mean have you seen Hardball?
Obama: i would take on the insurance and drug companies who are hoarding their profits they roll around in piles of money naked every night
Hillary: heh heh oh i'm loving this look the plan is not the important thing -- the important thing is to be ready when the attacks from the entrenched interests come and they will
Richardson: in New Mexico we made every child under five eat their vegetables
Wolf: wow how
Richardson: my wife did it she's tough
Dodd: we have a shameful system what with infant mortality and it will take cooperation to get this done
Edwards: let me cite the New Republic even though it has no credibility and bash hillary and Obama we should require universal health coverage
Obama: ok Edwards dood some people won't be able afford coverage under your plan so how is that universal
Edwards: we make the children pay for it
Obama: how can a child make that much money
Edwards: maybe they can cut hair
Wolf: gayz in teh military
Hillary: you don't have to be straight to shoot straight!
Wolf: but wasn't ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ a mistake
Hillary: goddammit do you know how much heat Bill took for that policy you moron
Wolf: no i meant shouldn't he drum the gays all out and have them shunned
Biden: look i spent the night in a foxhole with american soldiers and no one asked me if i was gay
Gravel: [from offstage] We should've gotten rid of it 20 years ago!!!
Richardson: i would have civil unions and-
Wolf: shut up or i'll have you deported
Edwards: hillary is a petty legislator - we need a leader!
Gravel: Harry Truman outed Omar Bradley and that was very brave
Wolf: Hypo - you have a Bill Clinton under your command what do you do?
Richardson: to answer your stupid question i would make Bill UN ambassador or send him and hillary to the middle east
Obama: let me use this question to make myself look good - see how clever i am - its time to dump the foreign policy bluster and stupidity and be smart cool and black - hot damm slam dunk!
Hillary: ha ha ha - first i would have bill observed at all times heh heh and sure i would send away i never see him anyway
Wolf: gas prices!
Dodd: solar, wind, price fixing
Wolf: do not diss my beard dood!
Gravel: fuck you all i'm from Alaska i luv high gas prices!
Edwards: i'm a lawyer and i know something fishy is going on with these companies
Richardson: i have a very aggressive energy plan
Wolf: i ignore you i think you're a shifty eyed illegal
Now for Kwestuns from Regular Peeple!
Military Wife: how do you rebuild the military
Wolf: let's let the crazy keebler elf handle that one
Kucinich: peace thru strength baby!
Wolf: dood rebuild military?
Dennis: a small fraction of the $97 billion goes to troops the rest goes to bonfires made of 100 dollar bills
Obama: don’t confuse the size of the military and the Pentagon budget
Wolf: i dont follow
Obama: how about treating our troops like fucking human beings and not props for Bush?
Dodd: let's not forget i'm the only one here with silver hair that's got to count for something
Gravel: [far offstage] hey!
Q: should veterans get medical care?
Obama: i luv the troops of course but let me get technical here as i am wont to do you know the VA medical system is actually pretty good do you know Congress told Medicare not to negotiate for drug prices
Wolf: wow could i get a better rate on beard trimming?
Richardson: i would create a Heroes Health Card - that way any cheerleader who saved the world would get free health care
Wolf: dood she heals automatically
Ricardson: see its already working
Gravel: [coming back onstage] hey i get all my meds from the VA
Wolf: drag him off-
Gravel: walter reed is obama's fault ! -
Wolf: get grandpa's robe and slippers
Obama: Hey Abe let me finish
Gravel: oh matlock's on gotta go
Hillary: we spoke with the USSR when they were a real threat to us and said they would bury us we can talk to Iran
Wolf: Iran is scary
Hillary: Iran can never be allowed to build the bomb!
Wolf: what if they do
hillary: sending dick cheney is not the answer
Edwards: iran is not that scary really we can use carrots and sticks
Wolf: let me make up some stupid hypothetical where Iran is about to nuke Topeka Kansas
Biden: my dear wolfie you are true moron, aren't you?
Biden: ok yes i would bomb iran
Hillary: we have to focus like a lazer beam on terror i spoke with the leaders of pakistan and they said Bush is teh suck
Wolf: should be we kill innocent people!
Obama: let me make up for my hesitant answer on terror in the last debate by saying you're damm right i would kill innocent people
Wolf: killing innocents yes or no
Hillary: ok that tears it - no more stupid hypotheticals Wolf you're getting a candidate revolt on your hands!
Biden: we all talk to much
Wolf: wow dood coming from u that's something
Biden: we could take out the janjaweed with NATO tomorrow
Wolf: Show of hands: how do you solve Darfur
Hillary: i told you a minute ago Wolf no more stupid hypos or show of hands you’re are a genuine idiot - we refuse to asnswer!
[ crowd applause ]
Richardson: we should threaten to pull out of the Chinese Olympics until the Janjaweed give up
Obama: when we suspend the habeus corpus it erodes our moral authority
Biden: LOOK AM ME I'M YELLING
Wolf: alright dood
Richardson: Bush has robbed us of our moral authority with abu ghraib and guantanamo
Q: mandatory national service?
Gravel: i think we should have mandatory Matlock!
Kucinich: we should make it mandatory to help the elderly like Senator Gravel
Dodd: dood i served in teh peace corps but we don't need draft
TOPIC: DEFINING RICH
Obama: i hear this everywhere i go globalization sux for a lot of people
Wolf: what is rich - give me an exact number
Obama: dood i have no idea what u r saying
Wolf: on what amout will u raise my taxes
Edwards: college for everyone!
Q: how do we end deficits
Richardson: Constitutional amendment to balance the budget
Wolf: oh yeah that will work
Richardson: let insurance companies control costs
Wolf: what does that even mean?
Richardson: i dunno let me take credit for the bill clinton economy
Kucinich: health care for all, green economy,
Wolf: shut up peace-elf
Blogger: earmarks are bribes will u get rid of them
Dodd: The Chinese are manipulating the currency!
Wolf: Gravel has returned from his nap and has taken his meds
Gravel: i met the Comptroller!! We can't spend all this $$$!!!!
Wolf: back to the comfy room for you
Hillary: we had a surplus when i was First Lady and we can do it again
Gravel: my social security! It's a conspiracy!
Dennis: special interests have captured America!
Biden: well ok then publicly finance elections I'M YELLING
Teacher: First 100 days what would you do?
Edwards: travel the world and tell teh world that Americans are not all crazy and lead in a very soft spoken way
Clinton: bring teh troops home!
Obama: end iraq and move on health care cause that would be a snap
Richardson: in the first day i would upgrade kindergarten its shameful also upgrade arts sand cience and math and
Wolf: that's it new mexico
Biden: solve iraq, iran and north korea
Kucinich: I would hold hands will all the leaders of the world and ask Superman to rid the world of all nuclear weapons
Gravel: i wouldn't wait i'm going to pretend i'm president right now and end teh war!
Dodd: Restore the Constitution on the first day what could be more important!!
Wolf: Next debate will be on YouTube you dont miss it and now on to the Sopranos!!