Sunday, June 10, 2007

Meet The Press - June 10, 2007

Meet The Press - June 10, 2007

Guest: Colin Powell

Tim Russert: Iraq war - 3,500 dead, 25,000 wounded, 100,000 Iraqis dead - is it the greatest fuck up in history or what

Colin Powell: unlike Stupid I mean President Bush I call it a civil war

Russert: so what does that mean

Powell: Iraq is like a tricycle the first wheel is killing people but the other two wheels are the political stuff and training Iraqis and they are not going well

Russert: so what happens next dood

Powell: When the civil war resolves itself as all civil wars do solve themselves somehow it will be great victory for the U.S. even if the result is an America-hating Islamic dictatorship

Russert: you predicted a drawdown of troops dood you were so wrong

Powell: that’s true

Tim: why did you think that - yur supposed to be the military guy

Powell: None of the generals Bush consulted with wanted to send more troops and Baker-Hamilton said a surge should be only part of a withdrawal if at all -- so of course George W. Stupid did something completely different

Tim: wow he’s a quite a guy our president he sees that this is all about terrorism

Powell: oh please my momma didn’t raise no fool Al Qaeda is a small part of this - they are violent but really Iraq is in a civil war

Russert: does Bush really suck or what

Powell: Bush is just moving the deck chairs around on the Hindenberg

Tim: what happened in 2002

Powell: I supported invading Iraq for no reason

Tim: if you knew then what you know now would you invade

Powell: Iraq was a real threat to us because of their fictional weapons and saddam was cheating on the oil-for-food program and the Italians and Spanish and Aussies were gung-ho to invade hell everyone from Belusconi to Rafael Nadal to The Crocodile Hunter all said we had to go

Tim: so yes or no

Powell: no way I dood I’m a sellout but I’m not an idiot

Tim: why the fuck did you all think invading a Middle Eastern country would go well were you all stupid or what

Powell: no wait a minute that’s not fair dood we *did* know it would be really hard we just didn’t give a shit

Tim: that’s incredibly unbelievable

Powell: I never said “cakewalk”

Tim: jeebus you’re fucking kidding

Powell: remember how cool it was when that statue fell -– we were liberators for a moment

Tim: what the fuck does that mean

Powell: when we got there we were wearing our Liberator Caps then we put on our Occupier Hats then our Helmets of Destruction

Tim: its like the French Revolution without the fun times

Powell: we just didn’t have enough tropes

Tim: here’s your “I’m Not a Crook Moment” dood

[shows video of Powell that United Nations]

Powell: No I said Get Thee Behind Me Tenet he blessed all those lies

Tim: so you just trusted whatever Slam Dunk said

Powell: no no no I threw the shitty evidence by the side of the road it was like a mob hit

Tim: so was it real or was it all pack of lies

Powell: we had really persuasive evidence like cartoons of mobile biological labs

Russert: drawings dood are you fucking kidding me

Powell: Besides if the Oil for Food program collapsed then who among us would not think that Saddam would mobilize his army of sharks with laser beams?

Timmeh: aluminum tubes dood

Powell: there was a real debate over Big Scary Tubes so I said to the U.N. they were for a nuclear bomb so we should invade Iraq but in my defense I attached a Post-It note saying “this could be all be bullshit”

Tim: info on the mobile labs were taken out of on yur speech then it gets put back in whats up dood

Powell: beats the fuck out of me all I know is that it’s all the CIA’s fault

Tim: would you like some cheese with that whine

Powell: look I had no idea what was going on I was only a former general and secretary of state and they said let’s invade so I said ok

Tim: you are boggling my mind with this bullshit

Powell: only after the war it seemed like, hey this is the stupidest fucking idea in the history of the universe

Tim: it turns out the information was wrong and all lies

Powell: dood I am very irate that no one told me the sources were a bunch of liars

Tim: well why not asshole

Powell: I have no idea but I intend to write a very strongly worded letter of protest to the proper authorities at some time in the future after I calm down

Tim: you motherfucker we went to war over this!!!

Powell: Saddam’s Mustache of Destruction was going to kill us all!!!!

Tim: that’s completely crazy

Powell: ok its true and we were all wrong

Tim: are heads going to fucking roll or what

Powell: it’s all Bush’s fault I think the Democratic Congress should keel-haul all these motherfuckers

Tim: my god you’re all the most incredible morons

Powell: well I wish we had put 500,000 troops but bear in mind Bush was always looking and looking for the WMDs

Tim: wingnuts are saying the weapons are real and are hidden

Powell: give it up doods they’re not buried in the ground or in Syria

Tim: so we should never have invaded another country oops your bad

Powell: Saddam had a Get Out of Jail Card all he had to do was present his Massive Weapons of Death

Tim: so it was like Monopoly

Powell: yeah I was the wheelbarrow and Bush was the little hat

Tim: dood your wife sez Bush used and abused you

Powell: hey everywhere I went at cocktail parties neocons would laugh at me and say why didn’t you take Saddam out in 1991 and don’t forget we only had 5 days to make up our minds

Tim: did you want a war or not

Powell: I would prefer not to go to war but I also told Stupid dood as a loyal soldier I’m with you whatever dumb decision you make

Tim: you lied to the world – should you have quit in shame

Powell: no we just didn’t process and manage the lies properly

Tim: are we safer

Powell: not because of Iraq that has made us less safer

Tim: no shit christ this is appalling are you sure

Powell: we are stuck in the middle of a fucking civil war in the middle east surrounded by Iran and Syria does that sound good to you dood

Timster: Gitmo and torture

Powell: I would close Gitmo not tomorrow but this afternoon!

Rusert: but then they would get lawyers like Johnnie Cochran

Powell: so what - this may seem like a quaint notion but “the legal system” and “the rule of law” is not entirely evil

Tim: what an amazing thought

Powell: every tin-pot dictatorship now uses Gitmo to justify their evilness

Tm: should Portugal allow gays to serve

Powell: no we’re at war this is no time to improve troop effectiveness

Tim: do you hate gays

Powell: I sworn in a gay ambassador once and his gay lover was there

Tim: ok so what’s the problem

Powell: the military is different they tell you who to sleep with

Russert: wow I didn’t know that

Powell: yeah its true but what happens in foxholes stays in foxholes

Russert: barack obama is black and so are you

Powell: no really I never noticed

Tim Russert: will support you the Republican nominee in 2008

Powell: you must be fucking kidding

Tim: dood your reputation called it’s too late he’s moved on


Guest: Jeff Gerth and Don Van Natta

Russert: You say Bill and Hillary planned in 1959 they would each get 2 terms in the White House and then 3 terms for Chelsea but Taylor Branch is yur source and he sez that's ridiculous

Gerth: we have triple hearsay from a barbecue at a rodeo who said the aspens are turning - it's true that Taylor Branch never confirmed it and his our source but in our defense our source is a big liar

Tim: ok so the clintons are evil

Gerth: sure, when they were dating in their 20s they planned to turn Amerika over to the Communists

Van Natta: i punched Howard Wolfson in the stomach and this is how evil hillary is she didn't cooperate with our hatchet job

Tim: is yur wife a source

Gerth: no the New York Time Magazine supports our book

Tim: hillary admits she never read teh All-Powerful NIE!!!

Van Natta: yeah she should be shot

Tim: is your book fair

Van Natta: im going to shock you but I will say yes our book is fair

Gerth: she accused Bush of misusing his authority its terrible!!!

Van Natta: they only found one actionable lie in one short article from the New York Times

Tim: what's important in your book

Gerth: we discovered something amazing there are in fact 2 Hillarys – one is battle tested and does her homework and then we found she has a twin sister who lives in a shell under the sea - it's like a mix of the Little Mermaid and that tv show with Patty Duke

Van Natta: she is so evil she once misplaced paperwork for fellows working in her Senate Office

Tim Russert: OMG!!!!

Van Natta: She covered up Bill's affairs it's really terrible

Tim: Dallek sez this is a cheap hit piece

Gerth: we're trying to shine a light on hillary's dark corners

Tim: Yikes


Nancy Willing said...

This is sooooooooooooo great!
Do you prepare for your Sunday sessions in any special way? Extra buckwheat? Bloodier Mary's?


momskids said...

This is beyond awesome. You are a genius. Pure, satiric, comedy gold.

bcf said...

classic dood just classic

Winslow said...

You are so rood. It says in Echinaceans 14:3-5 that God will eat your young and then suck out your skeleton so that you cannot even make a fossil.