Hardball - June 1, 2007

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Hardball - June 1, 2007
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Chris Matthews: Why is Dan Bartlett leaving the White House now?

Wolff: dood Dan Bartlett is teh big traitor hes leaving my prez at the time when the rubber meets the road

Gregory: but dood theres always pivotal time when yur with George Bush theres always an alien spaceship about to wipe out earth

Wolff: well gee im sorry but I don’t feel sorry for Dan Bartlett we all have hard jobs i think it’s a signal and it is that bush has leprosy Bartlett is a rat fleeing the Titanic

Slater: dood these original Texans were in teh boiler room when bush first started manipulating stocks so this is big

Chris: yeah i bought those

Slater: its sad its like when Screech left to box that dood from teh brady bunch

Gregory: it was dan bartlett's idea to get bush to edumacate teh american people with maps and homework and shit

Chris: will he discipline me if ask him to

Gregory: dood i don't think so

Chris: damm

Wolff: bartlett is a looser for leaving my prez high and dry i say fuck him

Bernstein [on tape]: hillary is teh big phony

Chris: its a beautiful book although i haven't read it

Wolff: hes bitter cause hillary is wooden and he got splinters

Chris: i like to see politicians cry and luv it when you see them the lights are on and nobody's home like Ronald Reagan

Slater: she's a cold calculating bitch no wonder bill slept with monica

Chris: what about the issues

Slater: none of that matters - with women you must have the illusion that she will sleep with you and when i met her she didn't give that vibe

Fester: dood thats stupid we got bush who rubbed my bald head and guess what iraq is still a fucking mess

Chris: thats a good point i luv yur stuff can i rub yur head later

Fester: ok

Chris: goody - well be right back

[commercial break]

Chris Matthews [singing for Dan Bartlett]:

for hes a jolly good fellow!!! for hes a jolly good fellow!!!

Bartlett: dood im retriring but i still wont sleep with u

Chris: dammitt why duz the Dolphin Lady aka peggy noonan say you all suck

Dan: in totality we recognize bush hasn't done shit for 6 years

Chris: so with all this immigration bill look dood everyone is breaking teh law

Bartlett: thats true

Chris: so you all suck

Dan: the beauty of this bill is that is has benchmarks

Chris: dood do you hear yurself

Dan: look Americans wont work for less than minimum wage so we have to bring them in and then send them away when big businesses don’t need them anymore

Matthews: dood they will never leave so we have to build a really big fence!!!

Dan: no, no, no, we have to have poor workers or big CEOs won’t have golden shower curtains

Matthews: heh you said golden shower

Dan: im just glad to leave this fucked-up white house

Chris: dont go work for Fox News they’re all crazier than me

Dan: well that’s really saying something Tweety

Matthews: hah! yur the best

[commercial break]

Chris: we’re going to talk about crazy books like ‘dood theres a liberal under my bed’

Young Weirdo: I’m looking to reach out young children

Chris: ok u could not be more creepy if u confessed to killing jon benet

Weird Guy: its a cartoon against liberals and hillary and in favor of teh free market we have to make stuff up but its cool

Liberal weirdo: this isn’t fun but that’s typical for so-called conservative humor

Conservative nutjob: glaciers are not melting its all lies

Chris: should we indoctinate kids in politics or is that too much although in fairness i was conducting mock wankery in my basement when i was 7 years old

Crazy lady: well there u go Chris why not

Chris: dood “liberal under my bed” - whats up

Young Psycho: its all in fun we're just trying put the fear of women into kids

Chris: ever since i read yur book I’ve been looking under my bed for hillary can u imagine how kidz feel - and im normal

Wingnut: well I’m not sure about that

[commercial break]

Guest: Jim Cramer

Matthews: dood who does wall st luv?

Cramer: dood Edwards is teh scary!!!

Chris: hes got $$ in a hedge fund and he know they make too much money -- we dont anyone who knows too much about what we do

Chris: who duz wall street chooz

Cramer: Mitt Romeny is teh best buziness dood in north america

Chris: what about mrs evil

Camer: hillary is ok too but Mitt is teh bomb dood he wuz a venture capitalist he saved duane reed

Chris: how do we fix towns that only have a diner with a dominos

Cramer: look i like pizza too but Mitt is teh man reminds me of Robert Rubin

Chris: bob rubin wuz a good Secretary of Money?

Cramer: he wuz the best since Alexander Hamilton maybe better since he probably wont get killed in a duel

Chris: well not in Weehauken anyway

Chris: can Eliot Spizter really save Troy or Schenectady

Cramer: Schwarzenegger is doing a great job people wanna work callyfonia again

Chris: plus hes got a great body

Cramer: if u say so dood

[commercial break]

Chris: is hillary a woman or is she right

Allen (from CQ): dood its over

Capeheart: dood this is perfectly normal

Chris: lets bash hillary

Capeheart: dood shes fair game

Chris: it must be a great book its a great pic on teh cover

Capreheart: well i haven't read them

Chris: she flunked teh bar exam and didn't tell anyone

Allen: well why would u

Chris: hah! Good answer well I’ve bashed hillary twice in one program my work is done.