Sunday, July 20, 2014

Meet The Press – July 20, 2014


John Kerry – U.S. Sec. of State
Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC)
Chuck Todd
Kevin Tibbles
Andrea Mitchell
Ron Fournier
Amy Walter
Jason Riley
Talking Parrot

Gregory: what's going on in Ukraine Andrea?

Mitchell: all evidence points to Putin's
policies resulting in 298 civilians deaths

Gregory: wow

Mitchell: now what is Obama
going to do about it?!?

Obama: Putin is behind these deaths!

Mitchell: Obama is unpopular
while Putin is very popular

Gregory: in the Beltway obviously

Mitchell: does Europe have the
backbone to punish Putin or
are they selfish wimps?

Gregory: good question Andrea

Mitchell: but with more sanctions
would Putin cave or will it start 
a new Cold War?!?

Gregory: we can only hope

Mitchell: my god even a call from
John Kerry didn't change Putin's mind

Gregory: amazing

[ break ]

Gregory: welcome Secretary Kerry

Kerry: nice to see you David

Gregory: Rebels are stealing human bodies

Kerry: drunken separatists are taking
victims' bodies and evidence and it's horrible

Gregory: cripes

Kerry: Russia supports and trains these 
thugs and Putin needs to step up here 
and stop being such an asshole

Gregory: go on

Kerry: Russia sends tanks and rocket
launchers and missiles to these criminals

Gregory: he's so fancy

Kerry: the NSA managed to get a
recording of a rebel soldier bragging
that they shot down a cargo plane

Gregory: how did they managed to get that?

Kerry: a rebel posted it on his blog

Gregory: you should never
live-tweet a terror attack

Kerry: probably not

Gregory: did Russia provide 
the missile or not?

Kerry: we can't confirm that
but yes they did

Gregory: got it
[ winks ]

Kerry: look the NSA has access to
rebel instagram and facebook posts
bragging about this – you figure it out

Gregory: I'm trying

Kerry: not to mention the rebels
are covering the crash up

Gregory: Ok so let's declare war
on Russia or is Obama a wimp?

Kerry: hey we imposed sanctions
on Gazprom before the shoot down

Gregory: dammit call Putin some
catchy name like thug or axis of evil

Kerry: words are irrelevant

Gregory: words are my stock in trade

Kerry: I thought it was facial expressions

Gregory: let's get back to Putin

Kerry: Putin has supplied and trained
and inflamed these illegal criminal rebels

Gregory: but isn't this a one-on-one
battle between Obama and Putin

Kerry: no

Gregory: but this is the worst moment
for U.S. – Russia relations ever

Kerry: maybe but we're working with
Russia on stopping Iran from
getting a nuclear bomb and
siezing Syria's chemical weapons

Gregory: can't you call Putin
a thug just once

Kerry: Russia has to stop sending
weapons to murderers

Gregory: ooh

Kerry: this is a Moment of Truth for Russia

Gregory: Israel is bombing Gaza

Kerry: Israel is under attack
by rockets – no one likes rockets

Gregory: except the ones with the red glare

Kerry: Israel has every right to defend itself

Gregory: no doubt

Kerry: but we are trying to get a cease-fire

Gregory: all right

Kerry: but you can't reward terrorism

Gregory: well sure

Kerry: so we support the Egypt cease-fire plan

Gregory: does Obama have a
weak and uncertain foreign policy?

Kerry: no that's stupid

Gregory: I'm still asking

Kerry: the U.S. have never been
more engaged around the world

Gregory: oh really

Kerry: we're making progress in
North Korea and Syria and
Iraq and Afghanistan

Gregory: okay but only
in those four places

Kerry: and we're getting Iran
to give up its nuclear bomb

Gregory: but other than you're failing

Kerry: we're also getting troops in
Sudan and peace in Congo

Gregory: but you're still disengaged

Kerry: and we're getting trade
agreements in Europe and Asia

Gregory: all right all right

Kerry: people should be proud we
have a thoughtful President and
not one that lies and starts stupid wars

Gregory: that hurts John that really hurts

[ break ]

Gregory: welcome Lindsay

Graham: hey Fluffy

Gregory: what about Israel and Gaza?

Graham: Hamas are like Nazis –
Israel should kill as many as possible

Gregory: should America tell 
them to be careful?

Graham: no – we should encourage
Israel to kill and then kill some more

Gregory: what else do you want to talk about

Graham: it scares me that
John Kerry is totally delusional

Gregory: go on Linds

Graham: Obama is failing all across
the globe and soon Americans will be killed

Gregory: what should Obama do?

Graham: first he should call Putin a “thug”

Gregory: what else?

Graham: well basically that would
solve all the world's problems

Gregory: any other deep thoughts?

Graham: America is being 
attacked by Syrians!

Gregory: it is?

Graham: America must sanction
the Russian energy sector

Gregory: Obama already did that

Graham: Obama is a community organizer
being outfoxed by a KGB colonel

Gregory: some say you're a
knee-jerk Obama hater

Graham: Obama is weak and
Europe will do nothing!

Gregory: so what should Obama do

Graham: Obama should get
Europe to impose sanctions

Gregory: you just said Europe will do nothing

Graham: no I didn't

Gregory: yes you did – look at the transcript

Graham: transcripts have a
well-known pro-Obama bias

Gregory: will you give Obama
more money for border security?

Graham: no because of the law
he singed in 2008 allow to all
immigrants in America

Gregory: Bush signed that law

Graham: no he didn't

Gregory: yes he did

Graham: never heard of him

Gregory: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Gregory: panelists talk Obama to me

Fournier: Obama is aloof and does
not impose his will on the globe
and that's why the world is in
chaos and it makes me sad

Walter: the American people don't
trust Obama because the Obamacare
website didn't work for a week

Riley: Obama is not leading and Putin
is taking over the whole world

Gregory: but tell me how Obama is weak

Talking Parrot: Obama weak!

Gregory: Jason Talking Parrot
makes a cogent point

Riley: yes he does – Obama said
he would bomb Syria and then
he didn't and there were no consequences

Gregory: except Assad gave up
all his chemical weapons without
anyone getting killed

Riley: Obama was going to bomb 
Syria and Republicans said no 
don't bomb Syria and wimpy Obama 
didn't bomb Syria and therefore 
Putin invaded Ukraine

Gregory: make sense to me

Mitchell: Obama definitely should
have bombed Syria but you
know the Germans are wimps too

Gregory: everyone in the world
are wimps but the people on this panel

Fournier: and Lindsay Graham –
he's very manly and macho

Riley: and Putin – have you seen
him with his shirt off?

Mitchell: and my husband – he can crush
an aluminum can with his bare hands

Gregory: Chuck talk Presidential politics to me

Todd: Democrats love Hillary but she
would not cruise to election in 2016

Gregory: that is amazing news

Todd: Rand Paul leads early polls
and runs best against Hillary

Gregory: interesting

Todd: he's working with Cory Booker
and he doesn't want to invade
every nation on earth all the time

Gregory: what about Chris Christie?

Todd: everyone hate hims

Gregory: Jason you want more
war but Rand Paul is an isolationist

Riley: he's another wimp like Obama!

Gregory: I see

Riley: the GOP has a deep bench!

Gregory: that's great but you
can only nominate one person

Fournier: Obama is very weak!

Parrot: Obama weak! Obama weak!

Walter: Hillary's problem is that
Obama wrecked the economy in 2008

Fournier: also Hillary ruined 
America's foreign policy

Mitchell: since Hillary is so
terrible Elizabeth Warren might run

Riley: but Warren likes Obama
and Obama is a communist

Gregory: I'm not sure about that

Walter: liberals actually like Hillary

Fournier: Democrats are doomed!

Parrot: doomed! doomed!

Gregory: Chris Christie is wonderful
and only the media is obsessed with Bridgegate

Fournier: getting attacked by the media
only helps with Republican voters

Gregory: good point

Fournier: I was talking with George Bush
and Karl Rove this weekend and we
talking about how aloof that arrogant
bastard Obama is and then Jeb 
came in the room and we all pretended 
we were talking about Hitler

Riley: Wall Street loves Chris Christie –
but if he's indicted their money 
goes to Jeb Bush

Walter: true – but no one likes Jeb Bush

Gregory: what about Rand Paul?

Fournier: I don't like him but who
knows what might happen –
the American people are weak
and wimpy unlike me and
Bush and Karl Rove

[ break ]

Tibbles: I'm in Davenport Iowa –
truly middle America

Tibbles: even though it's 1,500 miles
from the border people are freaking
out over immigrants

Average American: random placement
of immigrants is not a long-term answer

Average American: I will block immigrants
with my body if I have to –
without borders we don't have a nation

Average American: we should take them
we are a beacon of hope

Average American: more and more will come!

Average American: the law is the law

[ break ]

Gregory: this is a tough issue –
I mean you can't send children
back to utter misery

Mitchell: why not?

Fournier: I'll do it

Walter: look the the real point
of the refugee problem is that
Obama is terrible

Gregory: but Amy should we send
kids back to their deaths?

Mitchell: don't dodge the issue David –
Obama is awful for shooting pool

Talking Parrot: Obama bad! Obama bad!

Gregory: good point TP

Riley: the compassionate thing to
do is to trap kids in Honduras
which has the highest murder
rate in the world

Gregory: that makes sense

Riley: there was a similar problem
under Bush he built a giant fence
around Brazil and the problem was solved

Talking Parrot: Bush good! Bush good!

Fournier: both parties are extreme
psychos and Obama is asleep at the switch

Riley: Obama hates all children 
and immigrants and wants them to die

Gregory: today is the 45th anniversary
of the moon landing – we haven't been
back since because Obama is weak

[ break ]

Gregory: many AIDS researchers
were killed on MH 17 including Joep Lange

Gregory: Anthony Fauci you
are in Melbourne now – how's it going there

Fauci: this is a close-knit
community and it's very sad

Fauci: Joep worked hard to get
HIV drugs all over the world

Gregory: what has been lost

Fauci: many activists including
Joep who was an inspirational thought leader

Gregory: what are you focusing on
now with the loss of these colleagues

Fauci: more access to more
drugs and treatment

[ break ]

Gregory: panel is Vladimir Putin
a threat to the world?

Riley: yes he's going to invade Poland next!

Gregory: what is the western response?

Mitchell: Weak! Weak! Very Weak!

[ runs around room screaming ]

Talking Parrot: Obama weak!

Gregory: what should we do?

Mitchell: we must have strong sanctions!
[ pounds table ]

Gregory: is he just like Hitler?

Mitchell: Obama? No he's weak!

Gregory: no I meant Putin

Fournier: I would never compare
anyone to Hitler

Gregory: fair enough

Fournier: but Obama is more like
Neville Chamberlain – you must draw
a red line and stick to it and kill people

Gregory: so you're not just a journalist
you're a policy maker too?

Fournier: that's right

Gregory: so I assume since you are
not weak like Obama you have the
guts to get in the arena and run for office

Fournier: you must be joking Fluffy

Gregory: Amy is Putin a threat to the world?

Walter: he's shooting down passenger planes!

Gregory: what should we do about it?

Riley: arm the Ukrainians to fight back!

Gregory: what else?

Riloey: drill baby drill!

Gregory: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press

1 comment:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I remember the days when The Bobblespeak Translations was satire, man.

Now you're just quoting them verbatim!