Sunday, July 13, 2014

Meet The Press – July 13, 2014


Martin Indyk – Fmr. Mid East Envoy

Mohammad Javad Zarif – Iran Foreign Minister

Kevin Tibbles

Rep. Mike Rogers (R-MI)

Rep. Joaquin Castro (D-TX)

Jennifer Granholm

Rick Santorum

Kim Strassel

Stephen Henderson

Gregory: wow Israel may invade 
Gaza potentially ruining the paradise 
that is life there

Indyk: Bibi doesn't really want to invade – invasions are messy

Gregory: I've heard that

Indyk: Bibi is a cautious man – 
but Hamas knows that he is cautions

Gregory: gosh

Indyk: But Bibi knows that they know

that but Hamas knows that he knows

that they know that

Gregory: wow it's like the iocane powder

debate in The Princess Bride

Indyk: I suppose so

Gregory: what about a cease fire

Indyk: the question is how do you get

Hamas agree to stop firing rockets

Gregory: what would it take to

stop Hamas from doing that?

Indyk: invading Gaza and rounding

Hamas up and kill all of them and

then have the UN with their stellar

track record rule Gaza

Gregory: sounds like a plan

Indyk: yeah that's not going to happen

Gregory: there's bad blood between

the leaders in the area

Indyk: yes there is

Gregory: every once in a while you

have a war to clean out all the bad blood

Indyk: no you're thinking of The Godfather

Gregory: whatever

Gregory: so what's the solution?

Indyk: nothing will ever change small

wars are preferable to a big one

Gregory: whoa

[ break ]

Gregory: I went to Vienna to see the

dancing horses and also to talk to

Iran's foreign minister

Gregory: greetings Javad

Zarif: good morning Fluffy

Gregory: why not give up 
your nuclear program?

Zarif: we just want a peaceful useful

nuclear reactor like Three Mile Island

or Chernobyl or Fukushima

Gregory: sounds like a great idea

Zarif: the U.S. built us a nuclear

reactor in the 1950s

Gregory: it was a crazy time –

were too busy hula hooping and

singing about Davy Crockett to

know what we were doing

Zarif: I saw Back to the Future

Gregory: I'm still waiting for my hoverboard

Zarif: anyway the U.S. won't give

us any fuel for our 60 year old reactor

Gregory: they money is in the supply lol

Zarif: the U.S. doesn't even want

us to have peaceful nuclear fuel

it's so sad

Gregory: are you prepared you

get rid of your centrifuges?

Zarif: we would accept international monitoring

Gregory: the whole world is divided

on many things but the whole planet

agrees on one thing –

Iran is a bunch of untrustworthy fuckers

Zarif: if corporations have religious 
beliefs why can't sovereign nations 
possess the bomb?

Gregory: interesting point

Zarif: we are prepared to work with everyone!

Gregory: but you still want to enrich uranium!

Zarif: we don't want a nuclear bomb!

Gregory: why the hell not – 
you're surrounded by enemies!

Zarif: [ laughs ]

Gregory: I'm fucking serious Javy

Zarif: we're not worried – our human

resources departments are more

frightening than a nuclear weapons

Gregory: what an amazing statement

Zarif: nuclear weapons only reduce influence!

Gregory: well American likes having

them around I can tell you that

Zarif: that's insane –

Gregory: but big bombs are cool

Zarif: have nukes make Pakistan safe?

Have they made America safe?

Have they made Israel safe?

Gregory: Iran is supplying rockets

to Hamas fires into Israel

Zarif: America is supplying rockets

Israel fires into Gaza

Gregory: what about the rockets 
fired by Hamas?

Zarif: the ones with the red glare?

Gregory: do you condemn Hamas?

Zarif: we don't condemn those

who defend themselves

Gregory: but –

Zarif: America has a moral obligation 
to end this conflict!

Gregory: we'll continue this later –

I have to go have brunch now

Zarif: what is 'brunch'?

Gregory: it's a weekly religious 
obligation for white people

Zarif: I see

[ break ]

Gregory: welcome Rep Mike Rogers

what about immigration?

Rogers: the first thing Obama

needs to do is ignore the law signed

by George W. Bush

Gregory: of course

Rogers: we must send these

kids back immediately – faster if possible

Gregory: expand on that

Rogers: these kids are being sexually

exploited in their home countries!

Gregory: so we should send them back?

Rogers: yes because Obama encourages

them to come and be further exploited

Gregory: how is it Obama's fault?

Rogers: because he welcomes them

with loving arms and then kids get raped

Gregory: isn't it Bush's law that let's them in

Rogers: no because Diane Feinstein

says that immigrants from Guatemala are

engaging in statutory misinterpretation

Gregory: amazing small children 
from a war torn nation don't have 
an advanced and probably wrong 
understanding of a U.S. law

Rogers: that's Obama's fault too

Gregory: as you quit politics do you

regret Republicans refusing to pass

immigration reform?

Rogers: no because Democrats are

letting disease-ridden brown people into America

Gregory: if you say so

Rogers: also terrorists from Saudi Arabia

Iran and Iraq and Somalia are taking advantage

of this situation by sneaking in through Mexico

and killing many Americans

Gregory: thanks for coming Mike

Rogers: 100% of all measles 
come from Honduras!

[ break ]

Gregory: why didn't Obama 
secure the border?

Castro: he's been trying to get an

immigration bill passed for years

Gregory: do you think all these kids

should be immediately deported?

Castro: I think we should follow

the law signed by George W. Bush

Gregory: do those still count?

Castro: unfortunately yes

Gregory: is this Obama's Katrina?

Castro: no it isn't Fluffy

Gregory: you're no fun at all

[ break ]

Gregory: Cleveland is America's 
Comeback Kid!

Tibbles: Cleveland was once a the

butt of jokes but no one is laughing now!

Tibbles: the steel industry is coming back!

Tibbles: but you can't build 
a city without beer!

Beer maker: Bud Light is 99% water

and 1% cat urine – that a well known fact

Tibbles: it's an Ohio renaissance!

Tibbles: even the GOP 2016

convention is coming to Cleveland

Audience: haven't these people suffered enough

Tibbles: and even LeBron James is coming home!

Citizen: we forgive him for only

spending 7 years here and getting

to the NBA finals and them leaving

and being despised and winning

two championships and them coming back

Tibbles: how magnanimous of you

[ break ]

Gregory: Rick Santorum what about LeBron

Santorum: I'm basically a steelworker

myself so I can relate the birth-control

using degenerates in Cleveland

Granholm: he's a prodigal son

Gregory: Bud Light is my favorite beer

Henderson: that's because you're an idiot

Santorum: I love Bud Light –

the free market cannot be wrong

Gregory: Obama isn't doing anything

because he isn't looking at the border

Granholm: you are a ridiculous

person David Gregory

Strassel: we all know that

Granholm: people want a secure border

and a humane legal process

Strassel: Obama inspired immigrants

to come here with DACA although the

GOP is a bit phony on this whole

secure the border nonsense

Gregory: we can't handle all these immigrants!

Santorum: the GOP is not phony!

the border is not secure! It's not secure!

Strassel: but they walk right up to

border patrol and want to be caught

Santorum: that's only because Obama

went to south American and said

'everyone should come here because

I Barack Obama was born in Kenya

and am a communist and also

I never enforce the law'

Strassel: I write for the Wall Street Journal

and even I must say that's an absolute lie

Henderson: yes Rick is lying

Santorum: obviously Obama invited

immigrants to come here because

they are coming here so therefore

ipso facto Obama is a criminal President

Henderson: we should welcome

these children after all we are

a nation of immigrants

Santorum: sure but these kids are

from honorary blah people and we

don't need more of those

Gregory: talk impeachment to me

Strassel: Republicans believe Obama 
is a lawless dictator

Gregory: give me an example

Strassel: Obama delayed employer mandate

Granholm: Republicans demanded

Obama delay the employer mandate!

Gregory: Democrats are hypocrites of course

Granholm: that's not true – Bush did the

same with Medicare Part D and

Democrats did not go crazy

Gregory: maybe not

Gregory: Ricky Republicans are 
fighting among themselves

Santorum: no question we are a divided party

Gregory: yes we are – I mean you are

Santorum: we must focus more 
on rising incomes

Gregory: ah the Obama economy!

Gregory: Iran might a nuclear bomb

which proves Obama is a failure

Strassel: exactly we need more 
sanctions on Iran

Santorum: we can't trust Iran therefore

we should have no international oversight

and do nothing but more sanctions

until they finally have a bomb

Gregory: Republicans are going to run

in 2016 on the same message as

Obama in 2008 hee hee hee

Santorum: I love it!!

Gregory: so do I!

[ break ]

Gregory: and we're back with Javad

tell me who should lead Iraq?

Zarif: that's up to the people of Iraq

Gregory: but Iran has great influence there

Zarif: that's because we didn't invade

and kill people but respected them

Gregory: interesting approach

Zarif: why not

Gregory: do the US and Iran 
have common interests?

Zarif: ISIS is a major problem for everybody

Gregory: would Iran like to see Iraq break up?

Zarif: no we would like it to stay unified

Gregory: so can Iran and the

US work together?

Zarif: yes if we can agree on

respecting all elements of Iraqi society

Gregory: maybe we could do that

Zarif: we will respect whoever they

choose as Prime Minister but

we advise they choose someone inclusive

Gregory: why does Iran support

a psychopath like Assad?

Zarif: why does the US support ISIS?

Gregory: the US doesn't support ISIS buddy

Zarif: you can't pick the leader of Syria

Gregory: but that's what Iran is doing

Zarif: but you must respect the will of the people of Syria

Gregory: Assad is killing the people of Syria

Zarif: we must respect the people of Syria

Gregory: you can't trust Iran – you just bought a book on Amazon called How to Build a Nuclear Bomb Out of Backyard Materials

Zarif: the U.S. hates even our 
legal nuclear program

Gregory: but you're all so secretive

with all your little secrets

Zarif: the US talks about bombing our

nuclear facilities so of course we hid it

that's what any rational nation would do

Gregory: I'm not interested in what

a rational nation would do – I'm an American

Zarif: our cancer patients need 
radiation isotopes

Gregory: are you building a super-human?

Zarif: and Iranians can't use 
international banks!

Gregory: have you tried BitCoin?

Zarif: you are depriving us of access

to markets and you want us to die

quietly but we won't

Gregory: sheesh calm down Javy

Zarif: you must give Iran an incentive

to give up nuclear weapons

Gregory: mmmmkay

Zarif: if you're serious we can

address all your concerns

Gregory: if you say so

Zarif: we are discussing this with everyone

Gregory: okay thanks for talking to me

[ break ]

Gregory: Jeffrey what's your 
reaction to that interview?

Goldberg: the man is audacious

Gregory: and bodacious

Goldberg: let's start with Syria –

they support Assad who kills

children with chemical weapons

Gregory: and Iraq?

Zarif: they killed Americans in Iraq and

now they want the US to kills its

enemies in Iraq that's pretty ballsy

Gregory: what about nukes?

Zarif: they are prime supporters of terrorism

do we really want them to have nuclear weapons?

Gregory: well no

Zarif: at least Obama got them to the table

but will they really give up their nukes

that's the question

Gregory: thanks Jeffrey

Gregory: panel – immigration!

Strassel: it's all Obama's fault

Gregory: Joaquin Castro disagrees

with the President!

Granholm: no he doesn't Fluffy

Gregory: and we're out of time

Gregory: and that's another

episode of Meet The Press

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