Sunday, March 23, 2014

Meet The Press – March 23, 2014

Bill Neely

Bob Hager

Michael Chertoff
Andrea Mitchell 
Jimmy Carter
Rep. Mike Rogers (R-MI)
Mayor Michael Nutter (D-Philadelphia) 
 Arne Duncan (Sec. of Education)

Mark Emmert – President, NCAA
Reggie Love
David Brooks

Rich Lowry

Gregory: Bill have they found

that missing plane yet?

Neely: no

Gregory: jeez this is taking forever

Neely: the French may have found

a wooden cargo pallet

Gregory: that sounds promising

Neely: but it could be junk from 
a ship or an escaping castaway

Gregory: thanks Bill

Gregory: Bob is this debris

part of the plane?

Hager: heck it could be anything

Gregory: what do we

need to find now?

Hager: the black boxes like these here

[ holds up big orange boxes ]

Gregory: they're not black they're orange

Hager: orange is the new black

Gregory: like John Boehner vs Obama

Hager: right David

Gregory: in this age of iPhones

how do you lose an entire aircraft?

Chertoff: I blame those wily orientals

Gregory: what should I be terrified about now?

Chertoff: this missing aircraft and

Ed Snowden shows that the

real threat is employees

Gregory: the calls are coming 
from inside the house!!

Hager: we must investigate the pilots

Gregory: oh good!

Hager: but we may never know

what happened to this plane

Gregory: never?!

Hager: right

Gregory: scare me Chertoff

Chertoff: your pilot will purposefully

crash your plane and there's not a

damn thing you can do about it

Gregory: that theory works because

they can't defend themselves

Chertoff: that's the beauty of it

Gregory: should I read anything

into the pilot's flight simulator?

Chertoff: yes it could be sinister

Gregory: oh my

[ break ]

Gregory: Roger you think this

missing plane likely crashed

Rogers: probably yes

Gregory: that's an amazing insight

Rogers: I am brilliant

Gregory: what's next for Ukraine?

Rogers: the Russians are literally

crucifying people!

Gregory: O.M.G.

Rogers: Putin is doing exercises

near the East

Gregory: shirtless?

Rogers: he might take Moldova

Gregory: Obama hasn't done

enough has he?

Rogers: we must take a tough stand!

Gregory: like what?

Rogers: Ukrainians don't want

U.S. troops on the ground

Gregory: too bad

Rogers: I don't and you don't either

Gregory: maybe I do – 
a new war would be fun to cover

Rogers: we should still send 
the Ukrainians handguns

Gregory: we could send them a

few of our spare ones

Rogers: we need to be a little bit

tougher with Putin – he's another Stalin!

Gregory: please continue

Rogers: he's crazy!

Gregory: is an invasion of 
the Baltics a red line?

Rogers: jesus yes – that would be insane

Gregory: you hinted Ed Snowden

was a Russian spy and he now

says that's absurd

Rogers: what else would he say?

Gregory: were you irresponsible to

float that theory without evidence?

Rogers: you can't rule it out

Gregory: that's rather slippery

Rogers: we all know he's under

the influence of Russian intelligence

Gregory: we do?

Rogers: we have a guy who stole information

it's absurd that he gets to define the truth

Gregory: if he was a Russian spy

why would he go to Hong Kong?

Rogers: those are all lies

Gregory: what's your proof?

Rogers: he supports brazen brutality!

Gregory: where is the evidence that

he's now influenced by Russian spies?

Rogers: we all know he is

[ break ]

Gregory: what will it take for America

to gain the upper hand in our battle with

Putin over Ukraine?

Brooks: FEAR

Gregory: yeah!

Brooks: we must create a 
climate of utter terror!

Gregory: fine David but do we really

want to start a shooting war?

Mitchell: the weak link is Angela Merkel

Gregory: good point

Mitchell: also the Ukrainian troops

are armed with broomsticks –

that's many things but it's not scary

Gregory: this feels like the 19th Century

Lowry: we're living in the 21st century

and Putin lives in ancient times

where you invade your neighbors

and take their women

Gregory: you're the Mayor of Philadelphia

what do you think?

Nutter: Americans are tired of war

Gregory: that's what Putin is counting on!

Nutter: no one cares Fluffy

Gregory: this is like when 
Saddam invaded Kuwait

Brooks: in this new world order

since 2003 you just don't go around

invading other countries

Gregory: right since 2003 that's not allowed

Nutter: it would be nice to rebuild our cities

Mitchell: he's using the pretext of

self-determination in Crimea and Moldova

Gregory: is Obamacare a success or failure?

Lowry: a failure – it's ruined millions of lives

Nutter: not true – it's helped 
millions get insurance

Lowry: that's an anecdote – 
the data shows that a lot of 
people already had insurance

Nutter: oh “a lot” never mind then

Brooks: it did insure people but it's

still big government which is bad

Gregory: Obama has issued changes

on his own – if that was a Republican

liberals would be mad

Mitchell: so true – Obama is weak

dictator who won't lead

Gregory: Rich is opposing Obamacare

a slam dunk in the 2014 elections?

Lowry: yes because everyone

hates Obamacare

Gregory: right

Lowry: but Republicans shouldn't forget

other winning issues like Benghazi

and the birth certificate

Gregory: but even you admit

Obamacare is here to stay

Lowry: no no – we will repeal it someday!

Nutter: the GOP has to stop being

the Party of No and have some real ideas!

Lowry: we are developing an alternative

to Obamacare any day now

Mitchell: the problem is Democrats are just losers

Gregory: ha ha

[ break ]

Gregory: should NCAA players be paid –

after all the coach is making $5 million,

and administrators, the school and 
sponsors are all cashing in on the 
athletes who get jack shit

Emmert: that's all wrong – these are

just students who happen to play

sports once in a while

Gregory: Reggie isn't that utter bullshit?

Love: of course it is – college sports

is a very big business

Gregory: true enough

Love: colleges should encourage

personal as well as athletic development

Gregory: are you all disingenuous hypocrites?

Emmert: no because March Madness

revenue goes to help the sports

no one gives a shit about

Duncan: we have to force the schools

treat the students decently and help

them get a degree which is why they are there

Gregory: why do the schools have

to be forced to do the right thing?

Duncan: because the people running

the schools are assholes

Gregory: the NCAA won't even 
feed student-athletes during 
a billion dollar tournament

Love: they need to do a lot more

Gregory: like what?

Love: guarantee not just an undergraduate

education but pay for graduate school too

Duncan: and pay for student's medical bills

Gregory: how about that Mark –

is that too much for your hard heart?

Emmert: yes

Gregory: what are you so scared of?

Emmert: losing the free labor

Duncan: god forbid they should

eat or be able to fly home for a funeral

Emmert: exactly!

Duncan: too many kids think

they're going to the NBA –

they need to get a real education

Emmert: no one is going hungry Fluffy

Gregory: okay but you're the one

professionalizing college sports

Emmert: fine but someday we may

help students graduate and give

them a stipend – isnt' that enough?

Gregory: but you're not even doing that

Emmert: but someday we might

Duncan: why not punish coaches

if students don't graduate?

Love: students can't sell their tickets

but everyone else can – that's not fair

[ break ]

Gregory: Andrea you got talk

to Jimmy Carter

Mitchell: yes I did – he was

once President

Gregory: I'd heard that

Mitchell: you are writing on

women's rights around the world

Carter: abuse of women globally
is a huge and unaddressed 
human rights violation

Mitchell: true

Carter: much of it comes from

religious figures who say

women are inferior to men

Mitchell: you quit your Baptist

church over this issue

Carter: they said women

had to be subservient to men

Mitchell: what about sexual

assault in the military?

Carter: they don't want to admit

sex abuse happens on their watch

Mitchell: you boycotted the Olympics

because of the Soviet invasion –

what advice would you give on Ukraine?

Carter: do stuff

Mitchell: does Obama ever 
ask for your advice?

Carter: no he doesn't

Mitchell: why not?

Carter: because I advocate for

Palestinians and that makes me

politically radioactive on everything

Mitchell: what about NSA surveillance

which was invented by Obama?

Carter: I mail letters because I

think my e-mail is monitored

Mitchell: where do you get the energy

to keep up with all your projects?

Carter: it's gratifying to help others

Mitchell: what a concept

[ break ]

Gregory: should the NCAA pay players?

Nutter: no but they should have 
more scholarships

Gregory: and that's another

episode of Meet The Press

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