Host: Martha Raddatz
Correspondents:
David
Curley
Bob
Woodruff
Pierre
Thomas
Alex
Marquardt
Jon
Karl
Guests:
John
Nance
Col.
Steve Ganyard
Rep.
Mike Rogers (R-MI)
Sen.
Ted Cruz (R-TX)
Raddatz:
OMG the Malaysian
plane
is still missing
Curley:
it just disappeared Martha
Raddatz:
wow
Curley:
no distress call – nothing at all
Nance:
this never happens
Woodruff:
family members are
hoping
the plane was hijacked
Curely:
the most likely possibility
is
structural failure
Nance:
that's almost impossible
Curely:
or pilot error or suicide
Raddatz:
Mike what happened
to
this plane?
Rogers:
terrorism!
Raddatz:
why were stolen
passports
allowed on board?
Rogers:
they were fiendishly clever
Raddatz:
wow
Rogers:
Raddatz:
did America detect an explosion?
Rogers:
no and I would know
Raddatz:
how is America
leading
the investigation?
Thomas:
the U.S. will use facial
recognition
to look for terrorists
Raddatz:
that's cool
Thomas:
also we will investigate
every
passenger for signs of terrorism
Raddatz:
did the pilots turn around?
Ganyard:
who knows?
Raddatz:
why no distress signal?
Ganyard:
maybe the plane just exploded
Raddatz:
yikes
Ganyard:
or something happened
and
they were trying to fix the plane
Raddatz:
I have GPS in my car
and
yet we can't find a giant plane
Ganyard:
hey it's a big ocean
Raddatz:
I don't get it
Ganyard:
there's no radar
in
the Pacific Martha
Raddatz:
geez
Ganyard:
they never found Amelia Earhart
Raddatz:
what does your gut tell you?
Ganyard:
something really weird happened
Thomas:
remember toothpaste
bombs
can bring down a jetliner
[
break ]
Raddatz:
what's happening in Crimea?
Marquardt:
Russia has invaded
Raddatz:
wow
Marquardt:
they seized the
airport
and laid down mines
Raddatz:
cripes
Marquardt:
John Kerry said
Crimea
is Ukraine
Raddatz:
bold move
Marquardt:
they will have a vote
whether
or not to join Russia
and
there will be two choices
–
join
now or join later
Raddatz:
so they consider
themselves
Russian?
Marquardt:
not the Tatars
Raddatz:
naturally not them
Marquardt:
Russia does its
talking
with guns
Raddatz:
why should Americans
care
about Crimea?
Rogers:
the stock market dropped!
Raddatz:
why else?
Rogers:
because America needs
to
be more manly than Russia
Raddatz:
so what happens next?
Rogers:
we have two sets of laws –
the
right to overthrow the
President
and right to secede
Raddatz:
what's the deal with Putin?
Rogers:
he wants to be respected
as
a real man so he's sending in troops
Raddatz:
gosh
Rogers:
Obama thought if he just
acted
nice everything would be
okay
and that was wrong
Raddatz:
maybe he looked into his soul
Rogers:
that's low Martha
[
break ]
Raddatz:
OMG this is just like the
Cold
War which was the best!
Audience:
do you believe in miracles?!
Raddatz:
we still have 450
nuclear
missiles – watch out Vlad!
Audience:
USA! USA!
Raddatz:
the missiles are guarded by
soldiers
with nuclear keys who just sit
around
deep underground doing
nothing
days at a time
Officer:
it's so mind-numbing
sometimes
we feel like launching
a
nuke just to relieve the boredom
Officer:
I sleep pretty well at night
knowing
those boys with the little
brass
keys are down there!
Raddatz:
why not turn control
over
to the missile headquarters?
WOPR:
would you like to play a game?
[
break ]
Raddatz:
should we saber rattle
just
to let Putin know he can't
push
America around?
Ganyard:
we sent ships to the
Baltics
but oops Crimea is
on
the Black Sea
Raddatz:
minor details
[
break ]
Raddatz:
Ted Cruz is a GOP star!
Karl:
CPAC unites the right,
the
far right, and the totally crazy
Karl:
Ted Cruz was unknown a year
ago
but when he shut down the
government
he became a GOP star
Cruz:
Obama coddles and
appeases
our enemies
Karl:
would go after Putin?
Cruz:
no of course not
Karl:
aren't you appeasing Putin too?
Cruz:
Obama showed
weakness
for five years
Karl:
George Bush did nothing
when
he invaded Georgia
Cruz:
Obama hates freedom
Karl:
Rand Paul thinks you're nuts
Cruz:
we should be very
reluctant
to use force
Karl:
so Obama is right?
Cruz:
no because Reagan tore
down
the Berlin Wall with the
power
of his words alone
Karl:
right
Cruz:
Bob Dole didn't stand for principle
McCain:
Bob Dole was shot in Italy
Karl:
other Republicans hate your guts
Cruz:
I know that
Karl:
do you really think Obama
would
repeal his own signature law?
Cruz:
yes every single word
Karl:
I love how delusional you are
Cruz:
the media treats the idea as bizarre
Karl:
it is bizarre
Cruz:
it's completely realistic
Karl:
you're hilarious
Cruz:
I'm serious Jon
Karl:
ha ha ha
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