Sunday, March 16, 2014

Meet The Press – March 16, 2014

Greg Feith
Dan Pfeiffer
Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL)
Sen. Jeff Flake (R-AZ)
John Yang
Bob Gibbs
Carolyn Ryan (NYT)
Israel Ortega (Heritgae Foundation)
Jon Ralston
Harry Smith
Bill Maher

Gregory: wow that damn Malaysian
plane is still missing

Gregory: you're an aviation guy –
was this a criminal act?

Feith: yes because the plane turned left

Gregory: leftists!

Gregory: then it went right

Gregory: that plane is a flip-flopper!

Feith: I suppose so

Gregory: sounds like some drunk guy
commandeered this plane

Feith: someone turned off the transponder

Gregory: why would someone do that?

Feith: someone did not want to be tracked!

Gregory: maybe Ed Snowden
was on board

Feith: unlikely Fluffy

Gregory: how could the USA not find
this plane with all our satellites and
the NSA and our drug sniffing dogs

Feith: if you want to disappear
you go over the ocean

Gregory: so where is the plane?

Feith: I bet this plane is gone baby gone

Gregory: okay so what the hell happened?

Feith: terror or something

[ break ]

Gregory: welcome Dan

Pfeiffer: hi David

Gregory: the plane is still missing –
tell me how Obama is feeling Dan?

Pfeiffer: Fluffy we've got the proper
authorities on this – FBI, NTSB, FAA

Gregory: was this terrorism?

Pfeiffer: no idea

Gregory: any elevated chatter?

Pfeiffer: on meet the press? no

Gregory: what is the chatter about then?

Pfeiffer: march madness

Gregory: what is the President
needlessly panicking about?

Pfeiffer: nothing – he's a cool dude

Gregory: is Crimea lost?

Pfeiffer: we will impose costs!

Gregory: how?

Pfeiffer: the ruble will be a joke!

Gregory: okay but what about
the rest of Ukraine

Pfeiffer: American will not recognize
this fake referendum!

Gregory: oh no?

Pfeiffer: Sanctions will come thundering down!

Gregory: what if they invade
the rest of Ukraine?

Pfeiffer: we will send aid to Ukraine

Gregory: will we send them guns?

Pfeiffer: maybe – god knows we
have enough to spare here

Gregory: what's the new red line?

Pfeiffer: does Putin want to be a
bad guy or do the right thing?

Gregory: the President's approval
rating has dropped

Pfeiffer: that's just because of the
government shutdown and
broken Obamacare website

Gregory: but Democrats lost a
Republican House seat in Florida

Pfeiffer: that's only because we
won so many seats in 2008

Gregory: I see

Pfeiffer: Obama's message is
don't panic – I got this!

Gregory: what else?

Pfeiffer: Republicans are for the rich
and Democrats are for the middle class

Gregory: people hate Obamacare

Pfeiffer: that's not true – even Karl Rove
says Obamacare has little impact

Gregory: but the Republican base
hate Obamacare [ grinning ]

Pfeiffer: so who cares what they think?

Gregory: did the President sell
Obamacare under false pretenses?

Pfeiffer: not at all

Gregory: will he delay the individual mandate?

Pfeiffer: no

Gregory: no?

Pfeiffer: no

Gregory: what if a future GOP
President makes changes to the law?

Pfeiffer: if we ever have one

Gregory: what's the deal with
the Senate and the CIA

Pfeiffer: Bush tortured and
Obama outlawed torture

Gregory: who's right – Feinstein or Brennan?

Pfeiffer: it's too soon to tell

Gregory: will the President 
stop deporting people?

Pfeiffer: no but he might deport 
more humanely

Gregory: give me an example

Pfeiffer: deporting criminals and
not little old ladies

Gregory: Obama failed! 
to get immigration reform!

Pfeiffer: you're weird

Gregory: just answer the question

Pfeiffer: we will keep pushing 
for immigration reform

Gregory: it won't happen this year though

Pfeiffer: it could happen this week if
the GOP wasn't stuck on self-deportation

Gregory: thanks for coming dave

Pfeiffer: dan

Gregory: whatever

[ break ]

Gregory: what's the plan to stop Putin? 
[ grinning ]

Durbin: Putin is a joke – there are
Russian troops with machine guns
monitoring this pretend vote

Gregory: scary

Durbin: the civilized world has to
decide if they want to put up with this shit

Gregory: so what's the plan?

Durbin: we're sending cash to Ukraine
and sanctioning Russians

Gregory: what about military aid?

Flake: Ukraine has no guns or planes

Gregory: what about yellow submarines

Flake: nothing we could do could stop Russia

Gregory: what if they just took
Crimea and stopped there

Durbin: still unacceptable –
look at how they ravaged Georgia

Gregory: yeah now they can't even
plow the highways around Atlanta

Durbin: right Fluffy

Gregory: would sanctions work?

Flake: probably not

Gregory: what about the rest of Ukraine?

Flake: they're toast

Gregory: the UN said invading Ukraine
is okay because the NSA collects
phone records from Verizon

Durbin: that's fucking stupid –
Russia invaded another country

Flake: even China is all like 
'what the fuck Vlad?!'

Gregory: the people of Syria 
are really suffering

Durbin: the USA should take
in Syria refugees here

Gregory: two million of them?

Durbin: well we need to find people
who hate Assad who don't also hate our guts

Gregory: great

Durbin: that's harder than it sounds

Gregory: Please bash Obama for me

Flake: okay

Gregory: go on

Flake: we all could have 
done better on Syria

Gregory: not good enough –
Charles Krauthammer says Obama
is a fruitless weak appeasing loser

Durbin: that's ridiculous

Gregory: but Obama didn't bomb Syria
so he's a weak nevillle chamberlain

Durbin: Fluffy you pathetic right-wing hack
Republicans wouldn't even give the
President authority to bomb Syria

Flake: I did

Durbin: David can quote Rush
Limbaugh and Krauthammer all you want

Gregory: okay I will

Durbin: but Putin saw those weakling
Republicans say no to use force
and then he invaded Crimea

Flake: jesus Fluffy even I don't 
Obama emboldened Putin 

Gregory: Jeff you're useless

Flake: sorry 

Gregory: did the CIA spy on the Senate?

Durbin: Dianne Feinstein says
they did and I believe her

Flake: I have no idea

[ break ]

Gregory: oh my god the
country is in such a malaise

Panel: so true

Gregory: why are people so disappointed?

Ralston: people are fed up with
both parties which is bad for Democrats

Ryan: exactly – which means
people don't trust Obama

Gregory: right!! ha ha

Ryan: the Obamacare website
was incompetent ergo so
people are turned off all government

Gregory: everyone hates Obama!!

Gibbs: mostly white people

Gregory: Republicans are happy
and Democrats are disappointed

Ortega: ha ha ha
I love you so much Fluffy

Gregory: also independents
hate Democrats too

Ortega: as a conservative I
must admit people hate Obamacare

Gibbs: people don't actually
want Obamacare repealed

Gregory: no one cares Bob –
Obamacare is a disaster and that's that

Ralston: exactly maybe Obamacare
is great but in my gut I know it's a disaster

Gregory: we sent a reporter out to
middle of the country to find out what
the humans of America are thinking

Yang: how is D.C. doing?

Average American: no bickering!

Average American: more doing!

Average American: get things done!

Yang: Democrats are running
away from Obama

Gregory: ha ha

Yang: some right-wing organizations
also hate Obama

Ryan: voters want to Get Things Done

Gregory: yeah but what they really
is an ideologue who gets things
done and never compromises –
frankly they're idiots

Ortega: that's true but the larger lesson
is that Obamacare is bad and climate
change is a hoax

Gibbs: I love how you cite right-wing
billionaire spending as evidence
of what average people are thinking

Ralston: average people love
billionaires and hate Obamacare

Gregory: I love billionaires

Ryan: I would just like to
add Democrats hate Obama

Gibbs: it would be nice to keep the Senate

Gregory: could Democrats lose the Senate?

Gibbs: they sure could

Gregory: Republicans are wonderful
as we all know but are they really perfect?

Ortega: yes they are Fluffy

Gregory: I thought so

Gregory: how do we fix America?

Ralston: different people are different

Gregory: you are so wise

Ralston: Republicans are not
good at the Internet

Ryan: it's so sad Democrats couldn't
make Republicans pass immigration reform

Gregory: those Democrats fail at everything

[ break ]

Gregory: in 1994 I reported on this
crazy idea that you could order
a pizza on the Internet

Ryan: I love the Internet but
it destroyed The New York Times

Gregory: ha ha

Ryan: [ sobs ]

[ break ]

Smith: Bill Maher what is it like
when you go to a red state?

Maher: liberals trapped in red states
are excited to see me

Smith: you are a liberal but
you don't like Obamacare

Maher: it's rube goldberg –
we should have single payer

Smith: you think so

Maher: also perhaps elections
should not be for-profit

Smith: you attack liberals

Maher: Obama bombs weddings

Smith: so are both equally to blame?

Maher: no Democrats screw up 
but Republicans are completely psychotic

Smith: what about legalizing pot

Maher: it will happen because it's harmless 

Smith: what's up with politics? 

Maher: I can't understand why
non-billionaires vote for conservatives

Smith: what's wrong with America?

Maher: people are stupid

Smith: example?

Maher: when did science get political? Cripes!

[ break ]

Gregory: speaking of science 
 – how terrible is Obama?

Ortega: he's very terrible –
he won't bomb Russia and he's too
quick to bomb Syria and he bombs
Libya too much and not enough

Ryan: Obama is poison!!

Ralston: Republicans aren't popular either

Ryan: I love Bill Clinton ha ha

Gregory: ha ha ha

Gregory: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press

1 comment:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Maher can be incredibly annoying, but I can't disagree with any of that.