Sunday, March 16, 2014

This Week with George Stephanopoulos – March 16, 2014

David Kerley
Pierre Thomas
Steve Ganyard
Alex Marquandt
Bianna Golodryga
Rep. Peter King (R-NY)
Sen. Chris Murphy (D-CT)
Bill Gates

Stephanopoulos: for fuck's
sake where is that missing plane

Kerley: George at this point
we have narrowed it down to Asia

Stephanopoulos: that should help

Kerley: or also the entire Pacific Ocean

Stephanopoulos: gotta be thorough

Kerley: experts now believe someone
probably deliberately flew the plane off course

Stephanopoulos: damn

Kerley: also the plane flew six hours
either toward Europe or the Indian
Ocean or possibly Australia

Stephanopoulos: sounds like they've
got all the bases covered

Kerley: the plane definitely either
crashed or landed in secret

Stephanopoulos: thanks for the update

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: Pierre what's up
with the criminal investigation?

Thomas: they searched the pilot's
Flight Simulator and also his Madden Football

Stephanopoulos: excellent

Expert: we need to know did anyone
on board know how to fly a plane?

FBI: were they involved in athletics?

Reporter: maybe a passenger
took over the plane

Stephanopoulos: so many possibilities

Reporter: pilots have been blamed before

Stephanopoulos: has the 
second-guessing begun?

Thomas: of course – the FBI should have
taken over from Malaysian authorities earlier
which would have solved everything

King: why weren't the pilots smeared earlier?

Stephanopoulos: good question

King: also why wasn't the FBI brought
in to this Malaysian investigation??

Stephanopoulos: good question Pete

King: there were Iranians on board!

Stephanopoulos: so?

King: it creates a terrorist atmosphere

Ganyard: the search area is
five million square miles –
we will never find this plane

Stephanopoulos: could it have landed?

Ganyard: not a chance George

Stephanopoulos: have we ruled out
a mechanical failure?

Ganyard: this was no accident George

Stephanopoulos: what about
bringing in the FBI?

King: Malaysia for whatever reason
is resisting that

Stephanopoulos: gosh I can't imagine why

Stephanopoulos: what about a hijacker?

Ganyard: if it was a hijacker
it was someone who knew exactly
what they were doing

Stephanopoulos: but could a hijacker
really do this and no one know?

Ganyard: it was probably one of the pilots

King: based on my knowledge of flight I agree!

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: what's going in Ukraine?

Marquandt: Crimean Russian-speakers
are going to vote to join Russia –
not that they have much choice

Stephanopoulos: wow

Marquandt: America says the
vote is illegitimate

Stephanopoulos: will Russia invade 
eastern Ukraine?

Marquandt: they might

Stephanopoulos: sweet jesus

Marquandt: it's potentially explosive

Stephanopoulos: yikes

Golodryga: Ukraine's foreign minister
told me Russia might launch an offensive

Minister: Russia could attack!

Golodryga: could you fight Russia 
if you had to?

Minister: no – but we have great fighting spirit!

Stephanopoulos: what about a possible truce?

Golodryga: it's too soon to tell

Stephanopoulos: Senator you just
got back from Ukraine

Murphy: George this sham referendum
isn't fooling anyone

Stephanopoulos: it isn't?

Murphy: Ukraine will not go down 
without a fight!

Stephanopoulos: will the US send
weapons to Ukraine?

Murphy: we're not there yet –
but we can send packaged food

Stephanopoulos: you really think that
will prevent a Russian invasion?

Murphy: it can't hurt

Stephanopoulos: can we stop the
Crimea referendum?

Murphy: no – we need to worry about
Putin seizing all of Ukraine

Stephanopoulos: gosh

Murphy: Ukraine will fight Putin!

Stephanopoulos: so what can the U.S. do?

Murphy: impose crippling sanctions!

Stephanopoulos: would that work?

Murphy: that depends on Angela Merkel

Stephanopoulos: it's all on her

Murphy: who knows –
Putin may take Poland next

Stephanopoulos: Germany wouldn't like that

Murphy: I wouldn't think so George

Stephanopoulos: welcome Bill Gates

Gates: hi George – while you said
I made a billion dollars

Stephanopoulos: you love Common Core

Gates: I am so fucking stoked 
for Common Core

Stephanopoulos: Obama and Republicans
back common core but liberals
and the tea party hate it

Gates: it's not a federal takeover

Stephanopoulos: that's not what
the tea party says

Gates: well they're idiots

Stephanopoulos: teachers say the
Common Core rollout was botched

Gates: that's true but only because
so many people are stupid

Stephanopoulos: many kids failed the
test and parents freaked out

Gates: because these are high standards
and their kids are dumb

Stephanopoulos: so we can 
catch up to China?

Gates: no but we can try to run a close second

Stephanopoulos: state are scrapping Common Core

Gates: then I will buy those states –
how much could South Dakota possible cost?

Stephanopoulos: what will Common
Core do for America?

Gates: in ten years American kids
will be a little less stupid

Stephanopoulos: something to look forward to

Gates: indeed

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming Bill

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