Meet The Press – December 30, 2012

Guests:

President Barack Obama

Doris Goodwin

Tom Brokaw

Jon Meachem

David Brooks

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Gregory: Welcome Mr. President

Obama: thanks David

Gregory: Bam what if we go over the fiscal cliff?

Obama: it could ruin this amazing

wonderful economic recovery

Gregory: oh noe

Obama: Congress needs to address the

deficit by keeeping tax cuts for 98%

of people and raise them for the other 2%

Gregory: I don't like the sound of that

Obama: well then you're in luck because

Republicans refuse to raise taxes on billionaires

Gregory: sweet – what happens now

Obama: if Congress can't reach an

agreement then they should just

vote for keeping the middle class tax cuts

Gregory: but what about my stock protfolio?!?!

Obama: it's not my fault you bought

Facebook at $35 Fluffy

Gregory: but Mark Zuckerberg poked me

Obama: If the GOP doesn't take

my deal they will have to explain to

the American people that they wrecked

the market, ruined the economy, raised

unemployment, slashed spending and 

raised their taxes

Gregory: what about the automatic

spending cuts?

Obama: we can avoid them by

raising taxes on rich people

Gregory: oh dear

Obama: but Republicans love rich

people so it may not happen

Gregory: but isn't this all your fault?

Obama: hey Fluffy I cut spending a

trillion dollars – that's more than

Reagan or Bush or bush ever did

Gregory: yeah but by then the

debt was really high

Obama: then I offered another 

trillion in spending cuts!

Gregory: now we're talking

Obama: any objective non-idiot would

say I met John Boehner more than half way

Gregory: but you are still the Leader

so by definition it's all your fault

Obama: I lead on behalf of the

poor and elderly and disabled

Gregory: but you're supposed to

represent important people

Obama: basic fairness is at stake –

and by the way I won the fucking election

Gregory: I suppose so

Obama: the people have spoken –

rich people have had enough goodies!

Gregory: what is about you that

Republicans hate so much?

Obama: gosh I can't imagine

Gregory: let's try

Obama: Democrats are mad at me

because I offered to cut entitlements

and the GOP still said no

Gregory: you're not getting anything done!

Obama: Republicans say they care

about the debt but it seems like the

only thing they really care about is

giving even more money to rich people

Gregory: at least it's an ethos

Obama: we all agree on not raising

taxes on the middle class – so let's do it!

Gregory: are you prepared to slash

Medicare and Social Security like I want?

Obama: maybe

Gregory: you gotta talk tough to seniors!

Obama: I don't gotta do anything Fluffnuts

Gregory: gee whillikers you just gotta!

Obama: I offered chained CPO

Gregory: not enough suffereing!

Obama: I am not willing to put the entire

burden to pay for the Bush spending spree

on the old and helpless

Gregory: but they're so adorable and

also helpless

Obama: the American people actually

like the elderly and students and the

disabled and don't love billionaires

Gregory: well I've hung out with both and

I can tell you billionaires are much more fun

Obama: they're white and often fat

Gregory: you are obviously a weak

reeelcted President so what do you

want to do in your next term?

Obama: welcome immigrants and rebuild

some of these bridges which are all falling down

Gregory: boooring!

Obama: ok wind and solar and fracking

Gregory: neato

Obama: but first prevent Congress

from raising taxes on the middle class

Gregory: do you have the stomach for a gun fight?

Obama: we all have to do some

soul searching on why Americans

keep shooting each other

Gregory: what gun laws can you get passed?

Obama: Joe Biden is going to take

this issue on – it's a big fucking deal!

Gregory: the NRA leaders will say

no to anything you propose

Obama: I don't give a fuck what

those lunatics say

Gregory: the NRA says we should have

an armed guard at every entrance

and exit of every school

Obama: oh sure more guns in schools –

that will solve everything

Gregory: I sense some sarcasm in your answer

Obama: the American people need to

get behind this and also stop clinging

to their goddam guns

Gregory: oooh

Obama: I'm not going to forget guns –

that was the worst day of my Presidency

Gregory: speaking of that –

Bengazi was the worst thing ever!

Obama: we need armed guards outside

every embassy and consulate

Gregory: what an idea

Obama: hey it turns out turning security

over to the Libyans was a bad idea

Gregory: who carried out the attack?

Obama: we have Doc Brown on the case

Gregory: you left Susan Rice out to dry

Obama: she went on tv reporting

what we thought we knew

Gregory: but incorrect

Obama: all those attacks on her

were politically motivated

Gregory: Is Chuck Hegel

homophobic or an anti-semite?

Obama: who?

Gregory: Chuck Hegel the former 

Republican Senator

Obama: oh yeah – I met him once in

the Senate a long time ago

Gregory: does he think gays are icky?

Obama: well ten years ago we all did

Gregory: how frustrated are you how hard

it is to get things done in Washington?

Obama: what frustrates me are sanctimonious

idiots who say both sides are equally guilty

– which is bullshit – the GOP obstructs

everything I do no matter how much I reach

out to the Republicans and you know it

Gregory: but there are two sides so they must be equal

Obama: I am never running again –

of course I want to America more prosperous

unlike a certain political party I could mention

Gregory: give me an example

of your lack of ideology

Obama: I am proposing tax cuts for

98% of people – that's not some left-wing

dirty hippie idea!

Gregory: if you don't want to cut taxes

for a billionaire you are a patchouli-smelling freak

Obama: I was watching the movie 'Lincoln'

and thought about how Washington

has always been a shit-filled mess

Gregory: true enough

Obama: if Republicans block my plan then

we will come back in January and propose

to cut taxes on the middle class all over again

Gregory: it's such an odd way to govern

Obama: I know but I'm dealing with total nutters

Gregory: thanks for coming Bam

Obama: you're welcome Fluffy

[ break ]

Gregory: oh my god panel –

Obama is driving a hard bargain

Brooks: brave men gave their lives

at Bunker Hill and Shiloh and we can't

even muster the courage cut Social Security

Gregory: you are so wise

Brooks: it's true the Republicans are 

crazy but Obama is like alien from a 

morally superior planet

Gregory: which one?

Gregory: Obama is from Mars -

Boehner is from one of the gas giants

Todd: the President doesn't even care

if we go over the cliff - it's so sad

Gregory: tell me more Chucky

Todd: the Republicans want to

surrender on taxes and then fight

the President tooth and nail on everything else

Gregory: that's quite a change

Brokaw: I just want to say that $250,000

a year is not very much money to live on

Gregory: that is so true

Brokaw: also Obama is lazy and

won't slash Social Security

Gregory: Obama is not actively engaged

and somewhat shiftless

Goodwin: Obama has finally learned

that the key to a great Presidency is to speak

to the American people like they are kind of dumb

Gregory: it's not lazy pundity to say both

sides are equally guilty because there

are two sides so they must be

Goodwin: but it isn't true

Gregory: that doesn't matter!

Meachem: exactly – Obama is smart and right

but he isn't warm and fuzzy like Ronald Reagan

and that's why he never sold his big bill 

in his first term

Todd: like how Obamacare failed to pass?

Goodwin: Obama should sleep with

Congressman like Bill Clinton did

Todd: this Congress has been

uniquely actrocious

Brokaw: also Congress is gerrymandered

to elect weirdos and nutjobs

Gregory: even Charles Krauthammer admits

that Obama has exposed the cracks

in the GOP caucus

Todd: Congress is on crack?

Brooks: it's true that the GOP are all

useless fucks but the America people

are selfish jerks who want to

bankrupt their children

Gregory: I begged Obama to cut Medicare

and he refused

Brokaw: Obama would be very popular

if he destroyed Medicare

Gregory: we all know that

Brokaw: Obama must make people work

until age 70 – people will love that

Todd: sweet jesus – the GOP

demagogued Medicare twice!

Brokaw: warble arble garble

Todd: Obama was willing to do cut

Medicare and the GOP said no!

Gregory: also it's Obama's fault

we won't get gun control

Meachem: exactly – as with so many other

political issues Obama's failure to be

America's Magic Negro is tragic

Brokaw: I was reading the latest issue of

Shotgun News and this is the

Assault Weapon foldout issue

Brooks: I only read that for the Letters to the Editor

where the pizza delivery boy takes off his clothes

and has a Bushmaster in his pants

Brokaw: there is no more unified crazy

constituency than nuts who think Obama

is going to take their guns away and

then take their wives and take their daughters

and then they will be forced to have sex

with other men to survive

Gregory: good lord

Gregory: panel what should Obama

do in the next four years?

Goodwin: Obama won because of Latinos

and now it's payback time

Brooks: Obama should emulate

George W. Bush and cut taxes and raise

spending and then wreck the economy

– people love that

Brokaw: America must tolerate mass

killings of children because some people

fire machine guns as a hobby

Goodwin: Obama should ride a train

around America and dare someone to shoot him

Meachem: I love guns but the penis mightier

Brooks: that is so true

Meachem: the American people have to

decide if they want unlimited guns or

more shooting sprees in their kids' schools

Gregory: but when is Obama going to the find

to time attack the old and disabled?

Todd: Obama is not stupid like you all which

is why he will do immigration reform first

Goodwin: Obama should sleep

with a Mexican

Gregory: and that's another

episode of Meet The Press

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