Sunday, December 23, 2012

Meet The Press – December 23, 2012

Wayne LaPierre - CEO National Rifle Association
Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC)
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT)
Harold Ford
Andrea Mitchell

Gregory: Welcome Wayne

LaPierre: it's good to be here David 
[ pulls out semi-automatic rifle ]

Gregory: whoa put that down
 this is a tv show - not an appropriate 
place for a gun like a wedding or 
a birthday party or bar mitzvah

LaPierre: or christening or funeral 
or a school play

Gregory: Wayne one week after 
a horrible school shooting you held 
a big press conference and
called for called for MOAR GUNZ

LaPierre: at the NRA we sat down 
around our conference table and 
said what is the answer and we said 
ban 10 year-old video games

Gregory: that's your solution?

LaPierre: we also want to arm the 
good guys to fight the monsters

Gregory: the New York Post called 
you a nut and loon

LaPierre: if it's crazy to fill our 
public schools with armed people 
then call me crazy

Gregory: you're fucking crazy

LaPierre: we just need every entrance 
in every school to protected by a 
soldier retired from combat and 
nothing else to do all day until we invade Iran

Gregory: that's your big idea?

LaPierre: Diane Feinstein is a lesbian 
from San Francisco

Gregory: you're evading my questions

LaPierre: many people I know sleep with their gun

Gregory: there were armed guards at
Columbine and Virginia Tech

LaPierre: yes but those guards were losers
who have never seen a cool movie where
the good guy can never get shot

Gregory: the guards at Columbine exchanged fire with the shooters

LaPierre: I like good guys and not bad guys

Gregory: how many guards would a school need?

LaPierre: the fancy elite gay liberal media
are surrounded by armed guards

Gregory: you strike me as delusional

LaPierre: Fluffy isn't it obvious that  
good guys should patrol school hallways 
with a submachine guns?

Gregory: what could go wrong?

LaPierre: Israel has armed guards 
every school and it's very safe

Gregory: you don't think this is a stupid idea?

LaPierre: every mom and dad wants
an armed cop in every school

Gregory: wouldn't this would be very expensive?

LaPierre: not if we stopped fighting all these
liberal wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and
started fighting wars in our elementary schools

Gregory: you're dripping blood all over my desk

LaPierre: sorry about that

Gregory: Betsy can we get some paper towels

LaPierre: the NRA has a program to tell 
elementary school kids not to pick up
 a gun they find lying around

Gregory: why would a gun just be lying around?

LaPierre: you know how careless gun owners are

Gregory: are you willing to try anything to 
save the lives of children?

LaPierre: no because there are monsters everywhere

Gregory: would you be willing to limit
gun magazines that carry 30 bullets?

LaPierre: no – we need bigger magazines and more guns to the shoot the monsters like Bigfoot and that one in Loch Ness - he's a slippery one!

Gregory: and the New Jersey Devil

LaPierre: exactly!

Gregory: why do ordinary people
need so much ammunition?

LaPierre: because the mutant monsters have
bullets coming out of their fingers!

Gregory: can't we make mass killers' 
jobs a little harder?

LaPierre: no – haven't you ever seen Monsters Inc?

Gregory: I'm more of a Finding Nemo guy

LaPierre: we need a national database of lunatics!

Gregory: wherever could we find such a list

LaPierre: every cop knows who all the lunatics are

Gregory: I certainly know one when I see one

LaPierre: who put all these mentally ill 
 people on the street?

Gregory: Ronald Reagan

LaPierre: monsters have magic killing powers!

Gregory: okay so how about 
background checks for monsters

LaPierre: I support background checks

Gregory: but you won't close the gun show loophole

LaPierre: I would love to but the federal government is fascist

Gregory: do you realize how crazy you sound?

LaPierre: look we don't want anyone in the 
inner city to have a gun

Gregory: now we're getting somewhere

LaPierre: we should arrest felons 
who try to buy a gun

Gregory: what about assault weapons?

LaPierre: civilians really need these guns which
are not dangerous or effective at all

Gregory: what about high capacity magazines?

LaPierre: those guns are no different 
from any other gun which is why 
they must never be banned

Gregory: would you work with the
administration on gun safety?

LaPierre: no if it would limit the individual's 
sacred right to own a rocket launcher

Gregory: would there be any gun policy
you could ever support?

LaPierre: yes enforce gun laws against black people

Gregory: would you support any new gun law?

LaPierre: no because drug dealers are
never prosecuted in America

Gregory: after 9/11 this nation went
completely insane with new laws except
laws against terrorists owning guns

LaPierre: that was awesome

Gregory: and yet you seem desperate to
make any excuse to avoid a new gun law

LaPierre: a gun is a tool

Gregory: so are you

LaPierre: drug dealers are very astute economists

Gregory: we all know that

LaPierre: we need a massive federal effort
to fund medical treatment

Gregory: Mike Bloomberg says the NRA
are a bunch of losers

LaPierre: he's one of those big city snooty elitists
who want to confiscate your guns

Gregory: maybe but he's rich

LaPierre: the NRA wants major 
baseball players to have a gun even 
if they only have a .215 batting average

Gregory: even Mark Sanchez?

LaPierre: no a responsible gun owner
has to be able to hit something

Gregory: will you support any more laws?

LaPierre: yes if it means more guns and a
bigger more intrusive federal government
so people can use their guns to protect themselves
from a bigger more intrusive federal government

Gregory: thanks for coming Bloody

LaPierre: you're welcome Fluffy

[ break ]

Gregory: Chucky what did you think of that

Schumer: I think Pierre might be a little crazy

Gregory: my desk looks like someone
slaughted a chicken

Schumer: what about stopping the
bad guy from getting the gun in the first place?

Gregory: Lindsay the NRA doesn't 
want to talk about guns

Graham: I want to talk about how sad I am

Gregory: okay go ahead and cry Linds

Graham: there is never anything we can
do to stop people who aren't wired right
–  believe me I know I'm in the U.S. Senate

Gregory: the assault weapons ban
didn't prevent Columbine

Schumer: mass shootings are the
New Normal which is terrible

Gregory: but banning high capacity 
magazines didn't work before

Schumer: after we enacted it crime went
down and after it expired we have a 
mass shooting every month

Gregory: should we do anything 
but ban video games?

Graham: I love my guns! I love them so much!
[ starts crying again ]

Gregory: easy there Linds

Graham: I have a god-given right to buy an AR-15

Gregory: yes you do

Graham: just lock the school doors!

Gregory: what else would you suggest?

Graham: I was Christmas shopping and
I got a good deal on the new Taylor Swift CD
and also people kept coming up to me crying
saying don't let the governmnet take my guns away!

Gregory: Chucky what's up with the Fiscal Cliff

Schumer: John Boehner is going to have
cut the Tea Party loose and make a deal 
with the Democrats

Gregory: Lindsay could you vote
for raising taxes on rich people

Graham: no

Gregory: what would you vote for

Graham: America is becoming Greece!

Gregory: but with more movie and school shootings

Graham: I would have supported Boehner's plan

Gregory: but it failed

Graham: I also like Simpson-Bowles

Gregory: I love it too but it too also failed

Graham: I just want everyone to know I
will never raise the debt celing unless
we can cut Social Security

Schumer: that's extortion - he's threatening
the credit of the nation so they can achieve
their dream of eliminating Social Security

Gregory: what about Chuck Hegel?

Graham: I like Chuck very much but I 
hear he's a Communist

Gregory: thanks for coming guys

[ break ]

Gregory: panel will we get a Fiscal Cliff deal?

Todd: Obama should try one more 
time to make a big deal

Gregory: they are fed up with 
how pathetic Boehner is

Todd: I think Obama is making 
a big mistake not trying again to work 
with the losers in the House

Chaffetz: Boehner failed to pass anything -
thus putting all the pressure on Obama

Ford: I work on Wall Street and they are
very disappointed that Congress has 
failed to do our bidding

Gregory: that is so sad

Ford: I love this country but I
love making money more

Mitchell: I know of a lot of guys in the stock market
and they told me Obama needs to get over himself
and make a deal which will make them even richer

Gregory: Obama failed but so did John Boehner

Todd: that's just Obama's excuse for not
bailing out Wall Street

Gregory: what about school shootings

Chaffetz: I would be willing to do anything
to prevent school schootings except 
give up my Glock

Gregory: so what else

Chaffetz: I believe in small government -
let's create a national database of the mentally ill

Ford: do you really need a magazine
with 30 shots to hunt squirrels?

Mitchell: there is no national standard
for background checks

Gregory: what about national funding
for a cop in every school?

Todd: Obama is a total loser who needs
to give Boehner everything he wants

Ford: I agree we need armed guards in schools

Chaffetz: gun control doesn't work because
God wants America to have millions of guns

Gregory: I can't argue with that

Chaffetz: people in Utah love guns

Todd: at one point LaPierre actually called for more
background checks but then again he seemed to
be under the influence of some powerful medication

Gregory: if Obama loses Hegel this will be
second consecutive non-nomination he will lose

Mitchell: this proves that Obama is a total loser

Todd: Obama will talk about guns in the
State of the Union which will cause
massive unemployment

Gregory: and that's another episode
of Meet The Press



Wendy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
steve simels said...

COT -- this is one of your funniest ever. Spewed a very nice white wine on my monitor.

In any case -- I don't see you, have a great holiday.