Sunday, December 16, 2012

Meet The Press – December 16, 2012

Gov. Mike Malloy (D-CT)
Mayor Michael Bloomberg (NYC)
Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-CA)
Tom Ridge
Bill Bennett
Michael Eric Dyson
Randi Weingarten
Gregory: good morning on this tragic day

Gregory: Pete why did this guy shoot little children?

Williams: um he was fucking crazy

Gregory: ok what the hell happened?

Williams: he took his mother's pitols and
her military combat assault rifle to kill children

Gregory: tell me all about the shooter

Williams: his parents were divorced,
he carried a briefcase and had
trouble fitting in school

Gregory: wow

Williams: he didn't leave a manifesto or even a letter

Gregory: too bad I would have loved 
to have read that

Gregory: welcome Governor please tell us
what happened all over again

Malloy: we had to tell parents that their
children had been killed

Gregory: why did this guy shoot kids at this school

Malloy: I'm guessing he was out of his freaking mind

Gregory: what evidence do you have of that?

Malloy: I have one piece of evidence –
you know the whole killing random children thing

Gregory: what should be done now?

Malloy: admit that guns are pretty 
damn dangerous

Gregory: would you like more laws?

Malloy: we ignore mental health issues
and make it easy to buy a machine gun

Gregory: interesting

Malloy: having said that we probably
don't need more gun laws

Gregory: oh right

[ break ]

Gregory: Mayor Mike what was your reaction
to this latest mass shooting

Bloomberg: Americans kill each other in
graduate schools, hospitals, high schools,
malls, middle schools, movie theatres and
elementary schools and it's got to stop

Gregory: what action would you like to see

Bloomberg: stupid people always say 
nowis not the time to act or there's nothing 
we can do and meanwhile 50,000 more 
people will be killed

Gregory: so what specifically?

Bloomberg: enforce our gun laws more aggressively
and also ban military assault weapons

Gregory: but people love combat machine guns

Bloomberg: the power of the NRA is a
completely misunderstood myth like
Bigfoot or the need for a debt ceiling

Gregory: the NRA defeated a lot of 
Democrats years ago

Bloomberg: 20 children are dead 
– things are different!

Gregory: but his mother bought this gun legally

Bloomberg: that's the problem stupid

Gregory: I don't understand

Bloomberg: I'm trying to fix bad laws

Gregory: ok I'm slow but think I grasp
what you are saying

Bloomberg: look the fact that people might
break a law is no reason not to have a law

Gregory: what an unusual concept

Bloomberg: the President signed a law
allowing people to carry a gun on Amtrak
we can do better than that

Gregory: did you discuss this with Obama

Bloomberg: he knows my views and
would still be better than Mitt Romney

Gregory: if the shooter didn't have a
gun he could have a bomb

Bloomberg: I could strangle you right
now with my bare hands

Gregory: please don't

Bloomberg: oh all right

Gregory: 'stop and frisk' is controversial

Bloomberg: we call it 'proactive policing'

Gregory: nice

Bloomberg: In New York we have
scared people away from carrying guns

Gregory: that is frightening

Bloomberg: the people who are scared are
not legit hunters - they real are threats to
public safety like Plaxico Burress

Gregory: how can you pass tougher laws
on assault weapons?

Bloomberg: we don't just need tough laws
we need tough mayors and tough cops too

Gregory: what about gun rights?

Bloomberg: guns don't have rights Fluffy

Gregory: touche

Bloomberg: even proud gun owners don't
want military-style assault rifles

Gregory: but the NRA is so scary

Bloomberg: they don't frighten me –
I took 'em on and I won 4 out of 7

Gregory: amazing

Bloomberg: the NRA is like Darth Vader
their power is vastly overrated

Gregory: but gun control-

Bloomberg: stop there - I call it 'gun safety'

Gregory: what other solutions do you want?

Bloomberg: you don't have to do a 
background check at a so-called 
gun show which is just stupid

Gregory: well that does seem odd

Bloomberg: the background check
database is not even kept up to date

Gregory: well it's not something really
important like a person's credit rating

Gregory: the ATF hasn't had a leader for five years!

Gregory: why rush things

Gregory: how much money are you
willing to spend to get rid of guns?

Bloomberg: a billion dollars

Gregory: sweet jesus

Bloomberg: I don't fool around

Gregory: by the way we invited every
pro-gun Senator on the show and
they all said no thanks

[ break ]

Bloomberg: Diane the President took 
strong and decisive action to allow  
Americans to carry guns in parks

Feinstein: tomorow I will stand up in 
the Senate and propose a ban 
on assault weapons

Gregory: Diane you are so badass

Feinstein: but we will exempt 900 kinds of weapons

Gregory: what makes you think this can pass?

Feinstein: I did it before and I can do it again

Gregory: David share your wisdom on
killings and why do always we blame guns
for all these mass shootings?

Brooks: for the killers this is the 
happiest moment of their lives 

Gregory: like that time when I was 
dancing with Karl Rove 

Brooks: exactly 

Gregory: Bill Bennett you were Secretary of Morality

Bennett: I was the Drug Czar too

Gregory: I'm sorry sir

Bennett: a lot of us are tired of hearing about
privacy and civil liberties when murderers
are probably talking about their crimes on
on Myface and Twatter

Ridge: they are all troubled suicidal
and murderous young men

Gregory: like terrorists

Ridge: let's be reasonable and rational 
and not ban guns

Weingarten: we must reassure kids there
is a high probably they will not be shot
by a maniac until they are adults and and
avoid the mall and movies theaters and college

Gregory: isn't this all Barack Obama's fault?

Dyson: the President needs supporters to
demand action like a ban on assault rifles
and then the President can use the damn bully pulpit

Bennett: I would just like to say I am available
to lead this non-existent gun violence task force

Gregory: it's all about you Bill

Bennett: the teachers are heroes so why
not give every teacher a loaded 9 mm handgun

Brooks: trying to ban machine guns is
an attack on rural white people

Bennett: good point

Brooks: you can't have some rich Jew
from New York City trying to steal the AK-47s
from poor racists hiding out in Appalachia

Dyson: black folk are shot every damn day
and we don't have special episode of
Meet The Press about that

Brooks: [ weeps for white people ]

Feinstein: I don't care about the paranoid
ravings of a bunch of dumbass rednecks Bobo

Gregory: Rupert Murdoch wants to ban all
automatic weapons and Tom Brokaw
wants you off his lawn

Weingarten: Bill teachers don't want more
loaded weapons lying around

Gregory: Tom what is the color
of our current terror threat level

Ridge: gun violence is like an onion
it has many layers

Gregory: what are they?

Ridge: video games which create a
digital fantasy world which cause murders

Brooks: it's not a social problem –
it's a mental health problem

Dyson: we demonize rap stars but
the reality is that this loon was able
to walk into his mom's house some
and take some homemade cookies
and also a combat rifle

Bennett: guns are protected by the Constittion

Dyson: not machine guns

Bennett: that's true

Dyson: what if Aaron Burr had a
stockpile of AK-47s ??

Brooks: hey that would make a great book 
[ scribbles note ]

Feinstein: sheesh we regulate everything
in America – but we can't regulate a device
the sole purpose of which is to make it easy
to quickly and easily kill large numbers of people

Gregory: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press


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