Host: Jake Tapper
Leon Panetta - Secretary of Defense
Tapper: wow it’s memorial day and
we’re still at war for the 11th straight year
- that’s an all-time record!
Audience: USA! USA!
Tapper: Leon how terrified should I be?
Panetta: very very scared
Panetta: I was head of the CIA and I got
information that would make you
hide under your bed
Tapper: like what
Panetta: they’re creating another
tv show about the Kardashians
Tapper: oh my god
Tapper: what happens when we leave
and the Taliban take over Afghanistan?
Panetta: in 10 years of fighting against the
U.S. Army the Taliban is slightly weaker
- so we’re on the right track
Tapper: are you fucking kidding
Panetta: the American people need
to know our fight with the Taliban
is just beginning
Tapper: I can’t believe this shit I’m hearing
Panetta: I know it’s bad but we’re going
in the right direction Tappy
Tapper: General Allen says the good news
is that our ally caught Afghan soldiers who
were planning to kill Americans
Tapper: that doesn’t seem like good news me
Panetta: true but after 10 years we have
finally trained Afghans to fight and kill
Tapper: Mitt Romney says you’re naïve
for telling our enemies the date we’re leaving
Panetta: well we are leaving and we have
to set a date so the troops know
to set their DVRs
Tapper: that makes sense
Panetta: we won the war! it’s over!
Tapper: A Pakistani doctor helped us
catch bin Laden and for his reward Pakistan
gave him a gold star and life in prison
Panetta: it’s absolutely incredible -
he helped us get a notorious murderer of Americans
Tapper: how can they be our ally or
even be trusted - bin Laden killed muslims too!
Panetta: I know but Pakistan knows where
the bodies are buried - literally
Tapper: we give them billions of dollars
and they are trying to haggle over the
cost to drive their roads
Panetta: fuck that shit -
no more than $500 per truck!
Tapper: should we invade Yemen?
Panetta: why bother - it’s hot and boring
Tapper: al-qaeda has taken over
the whole country
Panetta: three words: Game Of Drones
Tapper: doesn’t that create even more enemies?
Panetta: our flying robots of death defend
Americans by killing people from the air
Tapper: Iran is running out the clock
until they build a bomb
Panetta: not at all Tappy
Tapper: are we going to attack Iran?
Panetta: we will if we have to
Tapper: do you often share classified
information with Hollywood moviemakers
Panetta: we only share enough information
to guarantee a good opening weekend
with a high market share
Tapper: are you sick of our liberal
President chest-thumping about his successes?
Panetta: Americans should be proud
of getting bin Laden
Tapper: but Obama politicized the victory
Panetta: boo fucking hoo
Tapper: Harry Reid wants to cut
the defense budget
Panetta: the automatic cuts would
be a total disaster!
Tapper: if Obama is reelected will you
go work for a defense contractor or
will you go into private equity?
Panetta: Lets’ just say my two miniature
dobermans are named Lockheed and Martin
Gregory: thanks for coming Leon
[ break ]
Tapper: Obama is attacking Bain Capital!
Will: Solyndra! Socialism!
Claman: Private equity is great but it
doesn’t create jobs
Brownstein: Obama has been effective
in taking down Romney but now he has to
tell people how he would fix America
Henderson: The Romney camp is telling
supporters not to worry since he is only
just beginning to alienate
people across America
Tapper: good news!