Sunday, May 27, 2012

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - May 27, 2012

Host: Jake Tapper
Leon Panetta - Secretary of Defense
George Will
Ron Brownstein
Liz Claman
Nia-Malika  Henderson

Tapper: wow it’s memorial day and
we’re still at war for the 11th straight year
- that’s an all-time record!

Audience: USA! USA!

Tapper: Leon how terrified should I be?

Panetta: very very scared

Tapper: yikes

Panetta: I was head of the CIA and I got
information that would make you
hide under your bed

Tapper: like what

Panetta: they’re creating another
tv show about the Kardashians

Tapper: oh my god

Tapper: what happens when we leave
and the Taliban take over Afghanistan?

Panetta: in 10 years of fighting against the
U.S. Army the Taliban is slightly weaker
- so we’re on the right track

Tapper: are you fucking kidding

Panetta: the American people need
to know our fight with the Taliban
is just beginning

Tapper: I can’t believe this shit I’m hearing

Panetta: I know it’s bad but we’re going
in the right direction Tappy

Tapper: General Allen says the good news
is that our ally caught Afghan soldiers who
were planning to kill Americans

Panetta: right

Tapper: that doesn’t seem like good news me

Panetta: true but after 10 years we have
finally trained Afghans to fight and kill

Tapper: Mitt Romney says you’re naïve
for telling our enemies the date we’re leaving

Panetta: well we are leaving and we have
to set a date so the troops know
to set their DVRs

Tapper: that makes sense

Panetta: we won the war! it’s over!

Tapper: A Pakistani doctor helped us
catch bin Laden and for his reward Pakistan
gave him a gold star and life in prison

Panetta: it’s absolutely incredible -
he helped us get a notorious murderer of Americans

Tapper: how can they be our ally or
even be trusted - bin Laden killed muslims too!

Panetta: I know but Pakistan knows where
the bodies are buried - literally

Tapper: we give them billions of dollars
and they are trying to haggle over the
cost to drive their roads

Panetta: fuck that shit -
no more than $500 per truck!

Tapper: should we invade Yemen?

Panetta: why bother - it’s hot and boring

Tapper: al-qaeda has taken over
the whole country

Panetta: three words: Game Of Drones

Tapper: doesn’t that create even more enemies?

Panetta: our flying robots of death defend
Americans by killing people from the air

Tapper: Iran is running out the clock
until they build a bomb

Panetta: not at all Tappy

Tapper: are we going to attack Iran?

Panetta: we will if we have to

Tapper: do you often share classified
information with Hollywood moviemakers

Panetta: we only share enough information
to guarantee a good opening weekend
with a high market share

Tapper: are you sick of our liberal
President chest-thumping about his successes?

Panetta: Americans should be proud
of getting bin Laden

Tapper: but Obama politicized the victory

Panetta: boo fucking hoo

Tapper: Harry Reid wants to cut
the defense budget

Panetta: the automatic cuts would
be a total disaster!

Tapper: wow

Tapper: if Obama is reelected will you
go work for a defense contractor or
will you go into private equity?

Panetta: Lets’ just say my two miniature
dobermans are named Lockheed and Martin

Gregory: thanks for coming Leon

[ break ]

Tapper: Obama is attacking Bain Capital!

Will: Solyndra! Socialism!

Claman: Private equity is great but it
doesn’t create jobs

Brownstein: Obama has been effective
in taking down Romney but now he has to
tell people how he would fix America

Henderson: The Romney camp is telling
supporters not to worry since he is only
just beginning to alienate
people across America

Tapper: good news!


No comments: