Jamie Dimon - CEO JP Morgan Chase
Reince Preibus - Chair, Republican
Rep. Carl Levin (R-MI)
Andrew Ross Sorkin
Gregory: good morning - wow we were all
talking about gay marriage and now
have to talk about a big Wall Street fuck up!
Gregory: good morning Jamie
Dimon: Hi Fluffy
Gregory: you said that crazy London
trader was a tempest in a teapot and
then he lost $2 billion
Dimon: that’s true but in my defense
I’m an idiot
Gregory: how did you all miss
this massive risk?
Dimon: we’re arrogant dipshits
Gregory: how many laws did you break?
Dimon: at best were sloppy and stupid
Gregory: was it criminal?
Dimon: I am guilty - guilty of being adorable!
Gregory: what went wrong?
Dimon: in hindsight betting $2 billion
on the Knicks sweeping the Heat was a mistake
Gregory: you ably led your company through
the New Depression - how could you be so stupid?
Dimon: we’re all just horrible people
Gregory: you’re such a genius - how
much money will the morons lose?
Dimon: we want to the government to
destroy bad banks bury the carcass
and salt the earth
Gregory: should banks gamble
with customer money?
Dimon: probably not but it’s just too tempting
Gregory: you have fought regulation tooth and nail
Dimon: not true! I love Dodd-Frank!
Gregory: I didn’t know that
Dimon: the riskiest bet is American homebuyers -
I hate those American-dream seeking bastards
Gregory: is Wall Street just too risky?
Dimon: Calm down Fluffy we only lost $2 billion
Gregory: isn’t that a lot?
Dimon: please I have that much
in my couch cushions
[ break ]
[ pre-screw up interview ]
Gregory: Jamie are you just too awesome?
Gregory: what about Occupy Wall Street?
Dimon: we’re all to blame for the
recession and the total moral and
ethical collapse of Wall Street
Gregory: that seems right
Dimon: heck I would be willing to
pay more income taxes if I paid
less capital gains taxes
Gregory: so generous
Dimon: but all this finger-pointing
Gregory: what about accountability
for destroying the economy?
Dimon: not all people on Wall Street are bad
Gregory: like that homeless guy
I walk by sometimes
Dimon: not all politicians are bad
just like not all media are bad - I like you Fluffy!
Gregory: thanks Jamie
Gregory: are we better off than
we were four years ago?
Dimon: well I’m even more obscenely rich
Gregory: I think I love you
Dimon: too much regulation is
preventing another bubble!
Gregory: you're not a Democrat anymore
Dimon: they attack the work ethic of
Wall Street which creates all things
Gregory: Why doesn’t Obama meet
with our Capitalist Industrial Overlords
Dimon: he hates us just because we
are mostly Republicans
Gregory: we need Simpson-Bowles
Dimon: it’s so awesome because
it cuts Social Security!
Dimon: when we eliminate Medicaid
the Confidence Fairies will plotz!
[ break ]
Gregory: what about JP Morgan
losing $2 billion?
Levin: Wall Street is still making heedless
bets to get rich - how shocking
Gregory: should Jamie Dimon still
sit on the Fed board?
Levin: well idiots need representation too
Gregory: what price should be paid?
Levin: we’re going to shove the
Volcker Rule down their throats!
Gregory: DC regulators have got momentum!
Levin: damm right!
Gregory: Andy what he hell happened?
Sorkin: If a god-like man like Jamie Dimon
can screw up this badly there is
no hope for rest of us
Gregory: I know my world is shattered
Sorkin: this was the casino culture
that caused the crisis in the first place
Gregory: JP Morgan is still making
a lot of money
Sorkin: they gambled with $100 billion
they didn’t have!
Gregory: would the Volcker Rule have helped?
Levin: we can’t have taxpayers bailing
out these gamblers every time they fuck up!
Gregory: yes but Jamie Dimon is a
handsome man who didn’t want
the bailout money
Levin: oh fuck that twerp
Sorkin: we will never know if the laws
work until a huge bank collapses and
that’s fucking frightening
Gregory: will gay marriage be a
defining issue of the election?
Preibus: no it’s going to be about
blaming Obama for the 2007 depression
Gregory: some Republicans don’t
despise gay people
Preibus: I hate those people
Gregory: so you aren’t worried
about losing votes?
Preibus: no because most people
are straight and a lot of people are assholes
Gregory: Rand Paul said Obama
couldn’t get any gayer
Preibus: Mitt Romney believes that
gay people should be treated with
respect and also total disdain
Gregory: is gay marriage a civil rights issue?
Preibus: no it’s defining marriage as a
great institution not allowed
to people I don’t like
Gregory: you could say that about Jim Crow laws
Preibus: that’s a bad analogy because
gay people were never killed
Gregory: do gays deserve equal rights?
Preibus: oh sure I just don’t want
them married - they should shack up
Gregory: you said you can’t federalize
marriage but Romney wants to
amend the Constitution to ban marriage
Preibus: I agree with him
Gregory: that makes no sense at all
Preibus: Obama caused recession!
Preibus: gas prices are high!
Gregory: you are becoming incoherent
Preibus: what doesn’t that black
President just shut up?!
Gregory: JP Morgan lost $2 billion -
do we need more banking regulation?
Preibus: Dodd-Frank made things worse!
Gregory: what the hell are you talking about?
Preibus: Obama has made the
Bush financial crisis worse!
Gregory: Betsy get the hook
Preibus: [ being dragged away ]
the President is a ni [CLANG ]!!!!
Gregory: bye Reince
[ break ]
Gregory: Biden jumped the gay gun!
Matthews: I love that impulsive gaffe machine!
Newsom: anyway he did the right thing
Cardenes: Obama has always been
in favor of gay marriage
Gregory: but Obama won’t force
it on states
Capehart: states have always regulated
marriage so Obama is not punting Fluffy
Parker: Obama was evolving and so
the American people are too
Cardenes: maybe so but gays are icky
Matthews: if you are gay it’s very inspirational
for the President to support your rights
Gregory: you really liked it Chris
Matthews: it sent a thrill running up my leg
Newsom: Obama’s coming out was
Gregory: but Obama will be a failure
until he sends the national guard to North Carolina
Newsom: the army is gay now anyway
Gregory: is gay marriage good politics or bad?
Cardenes: you will have a massive
revival of social conservatives!
Gregory: what about Romney’s
history of bullying in high school?
Matthews: he’s a vicious creep
Parker: no he *was* a vicious creep -
now he is a heartless sociopath
Newsom: 70% of Americans opposed
interracial marriage in 1967
Capehart: Obama sided with loving families
when it was neither easy nor convenient
Gregory: and that’s another
episode of Meet The Press