Sunday, May 13, 2012

Meet The Press - May 13, 2012

Jamie Dimon - CEO JP Morgan Chase
Reince Preibus - Chair, Republican
National Committee
Rep. Carl Levin (R-MI)
Andrew Ross Sorkin
Chris Matthews
Jonathan Capehart

Gregory: good morning - wow we were all
talking about gay marriage and now
have to talk about a big Wall Street fuck up!

Gregory: good morning Jamie

Dimon: Hi Fluffy

Gregory: you said that crazy London
trader was a tempest in a teapot and
then he lost $2 billion

Dimon: that’s true but in my defense
I’m an idiot

Gregory: how did you all miss
this massive risk?

Dimon: we’re arrogant dipshits

Gregory: how many laws did you break?

Dimon: at best were sloppy and stupid

Gregory: was it criminal?

Dimon: I am guilty - guilty of being adorable!

Gregory: what went wrong?

Dimon: in hindsight betting $2 billion
on the Knicks sweeping the Heat was a mistake

Gregory: you ably led your company through
the New Depression - how could you be so stupid?

Dimon: we’re all just horrible people

Gregory: you’re such a genius - how
much money will the morons lose?

Dimon: we want to the government to
destroy bad banks bury the carcass
and salt the earth

Gregory: should banks gamble
with customer money?

Dimon: probably not but it’s just too tempting

Gregory: you have fought regulation tooth and nail

Dimon: not true! I love Dodd-Frank!

Gregory: I didn’t know that

Dimon: the riskiest bet is American homebuyers -
I hate those American-dream seeking bastards

Gregory: is Wall Street just too risky?

Dimon: Calm down Fluffy we only lost $2 billion

Gregory: isn’t that a lot?

Dimon:  please I have that much
in my couch cushions

[ break ]

[ pre-screw up interview ]

Gregory: Jamie are you just too awesome?

Dimon: probably

Gregory: what about Occupy Wall Street?

Dimon: we’re all to blame for the
recession and the total moral and
ethical collapse of Wall Street

Gregory: that seems right

Dimon: heck I would be willing to
pay more income taxes if I paid
less capital gains taxes

Gregory: so generous

Dimon: but all this finger-pointing
is pointless

Gregory: what about accountability
for destroying the economy?

Dimon: not all people on Wall Street are bad

Gregory: like that homeless guy
I walk by sometimes

Dimon: not all politicians are bad
just like not all media are bad - I like you Fluffy!

Gregory: thanks Jamie

Gregory: are we better off than
we were four years ago?

Dimon: well I’m even more obscenely rich

Gregory: I think I love you

Dimon: too much regulation is
preventing another bubble!

Gregory: you're not a Democrat anymore

Dimon: they attack the work ethic of
Wall Street which creates all things

Gregory: Why doesn’t Obama meet
with our Capitalist Industrial Overlords

Dimon: he hates us just because we
are mostly Republicans

Gregory: we need Simpson-Bowles

Dimon: it’s so awesome because
it cuts Social Security!

Gregory: nice

Dimon: when we eliminate Medicaid
the Confidence Fairies will plotz!

[ break ]

Gregory: what about JP Morgan
losing $2 billion?

Levin: Wall Street is still making heedless
bets to get rich - how shocking

Gregory: should Jamie Dimon still
sit on the Fed board?

Levin: well idiots need representation too

Gregory: what price should be paid?

Levin: we’re going to shove the
Volcker Rule down their throats!

Gregory: DC regulators have got momentum!

Levin: damm right!

Gregory: Andy what he hell happened?

Sorkin: If a god-like man like Jamie Dimon
can screw up this badly there is
no hope for rest of us

Gregory: I know my world is shattered

Sorkin: this was the casino culture
that caused the crisis in the first place

Gregory: JP Morgan is still making
a lot of money

Sorkin: they gambled with $100 billion
they didn’t have!

Gregory: would the Volcker Rule have helped?

Levin: we can’t have taxpayers bailing
out these gamblers every time they fuck up!

Gregory: yes but Jamie Dimon is a
handsome man who didn’t want
the bailout money

Levin: oh fuck that twerp

Sorkin: we will never know if the laws
work until a huge bank collapses and
that’s fucking frightening

Gregory: will gay marriage be a
defining issue of the election?

Preibus: no it’s going to be about
blaming Obama for the 2007 depression

Gregory: some Republicans don’t
despise gay people

Preibus: I hate those people

Gregory: so you aren’t worried
about losing votes?

Preibus: no because most people
are straight and a lot of people are assholes

Gregory: Rand Paul said Obama
couldn’t get any gayer

Preibus: Mitt Romney believes that
gay people should be treated with
respect and also total disdain

Gregory: is gay marriage a civil rights issue?

Preibus: no it’s defining marriage as a
great institution not allowed
to people I don’t like

Gregory: you could say that about Jim Crow laws

Preibus: that’s a bad analogy because
gay people were never killed

Gregory: do gays deserve equal rights?

Preibus: oh sure I just don’t want
them married - they should shack up

Gregory: you said you can’t federalize
marriage but Romney wants to
amend the Constitution to ban marriage

Preibus: I agree with him

Gregory: that makes no sense at all

Preibus: Obama caused recession!

Gregory: what?

Preibus: gas prices are high!

Gregory: you are becoming incoherent

Preibus: what doesn’t that black
President just shut up?!

Gregory: JP Morgan lost $2 billion -
do we need more banking regulation?

Preibus: Dodd-Frank made things worse!

Gregory: what the hell are you talking about?

Preibus: Obama has made the
Bush financial crisis worse!

Gregory: Betsy get the hook

Preibus: [ being dragged away ]
the President is a ni [CLANG ]!!!!

Gregory: bye Reince
[ break ]

Gregory: Biden jumped the gay gun!

Matthews: I love that impulsive gaffe machine!

Newsom: anyway he did the right thing

Cardenes: Obama has always been
in favor of gay marriage

Gregory: but Obama won’t force
it on states

Capehart: states have always regulated
marriage so Obama is not punting Fluffy

Parker: Obama was evolving and so
the American people are too

Cardenes: maybe so but gays are icky

Matthews: if you are gay it’s very inspirational
for the President to support your rights

Gregory: you really liked it Chris

Matthews: it sent a thrill running up my leg

Newsom: Obama’s coming out was
quite impressive

Gregory: but Obama will be a failure
until he sends the national guard to North Carolina

Newsom: the army is gay now anyway

Gregory: is gay marriage good politics or bad?

Cardenes: you will have a massive
revival of social conservatives!

Gregory: what about Romney’s
history of bullying in high school?

Matthews: he’s a vicious creep

Parker: no he *was* a vicious creep -
now he is a heartless sociopath

Newsom: 70% of Americans opposed
interracial marriage in 1967

Capehart: Obama sided with loving families
when it was neither easy nor convenient

Gregory: and that’s another
episode of Meet The Press


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I can smell the sarcasm from here :D