Sunday, April 08, 2012

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - April 8, 2012

Guests: Rick Warren
George Will
Peggy Noonan
Chrystia Freelan
Michael Eric Dyson
David Chalian
Tapper: wow Rick Warren has sold
30 million books - that’s almost as
many as The DaVinci Code

Warren: thanks Jake

Tapper: what’s the deal with God?

Warren: he’s all kinds of awesome

Tapper: why do horrible things happen
like the Black Death, the Holocaust
and Toddlers & Tiaras?

Warren: because people basically suck

Tapper: what’s wrong with America?

Warren: we’re selfish and short-sighted
which is why we need to cut spending

Tapper: what about ‘love thy neighbor’?

Warren: the Bible yammers on and
on about the poor but the best thing
to help the poor is to cut taxes for the
rich and build nuclear weapons

Tapper: the Bible does mentions
the poor quite a lot

Warren: I’m fundamentally about the
freedom to be poor if that’s your choice

Tapper: you hate contraception

Warren: no government should tell
people do things if it is against their religion

Tapper: you said every single American
is not better off than they were 4 years ago

Warren: that isn’t true but it could be

Tapper: who’s to blame?

Warren: everyone and by everyone
I mean Barack Obama

Tapper: noted theologian Andrew Sullivan
says Jesus was a gay man who
looked like Brad Pitt

Warren: Newsweek hates the church
just because religion is responsible
for numerous atrocities

Tapper: so unfair

Warren: there is a terrible trend of not
trusting large corrupt institutions in America

Tapper: on noe

Warren: it’s not news that churches
are arrogant and corrupt so stop talking about it

Tapper: Is Mitt Romney a Christian?

Warren: no because Mormons don’t
believe in the holy trinity

Tapper: what is the State of Union spiritually?

Warren: people are just too mean

Tapper: I’ve noticed that

Warren: I blame people for blaming people!

Tapper: polls show people don’t
want religion in government

Warren: we should not ban religious
people from public life

Tapper: how brave of you to say

Warren: you don’t think gay people
should have the same rights as everyone else

Warren: I don’t have the right to
change the word of God I just interpret
it whether it's shellfish, slavery or the gays

Tapper: got it

Warren: I also think premarital sex is wrong

Tapper: um I think your members
have had premarital sex

Warren: I’m aware of that

Tapper: so why not permit gay marriage?

Warren: because gays sap our bodily fluids

Tapper: what about Tim Tebow?

Warren: America was great 300 years
ago when people like Tim Tebow could
pray before a good witch burning

Tapper: Can Jews go to heaven

Warren: no - but I don’t judge I just
follow Jesus’ cruel arbitrary orders

Tapper: Why is your God so mean?

Warren: because all people are evil but a
few people are saved from eternal torture
if they sign the right loyalty oath

Tapper: got it

Warren: God doesn’t grade on a curve -
all you have to do is swear fealty to Jesus

Tapper: do dogs go to heaven?

Warren: oh sure all dogs go to heaven

Tapper: cats?

Warren: some of them

Tapper: what do you mean?

Warren: American shorthairs but not Persians

Tapper: so in heaven dogs yes, cats maybe, Jews and Muslims, no

Warren: that’s right Tappy

Tapper: you lost weight

Warren: I baptized 500 people in one day and
I realized ‘good god Saddleback is full of fat people’

Tapper: have you thought about
baptizing them posthumously

Warren: I was a Purpose-Driven Eater!

Tapper: how did you get thin

Warren: I went on the Daniel Plan

Tapper: what’s that

Warren: lock yourself in a lion’s den

Tapper: Happy Easter dude

[ break ]

Tapper: Can Obama tie the Ryan Plan
as an albatross around Mitt Romney’s neck?

Will: that loser Romney already did it for him

Freeland: it will be good to have national
debate over social darwinism vs the
Heritage foundation’s health care plan

Chalian: sadly it will be a negative campaign

Noonan: In the green room we were drinking
and talking about how Obama is campaigning
harder than Mitt Romney and he has a job

Dyson: Romney is sending his wife
out do anthropological studies and
report back on what women want

Tapper: we only added 120,000 jobs in March

Will: Obama caused the recession 2007

Chalian: blah blah Obama blah jobs blah

Freeland: um what

Noonan: this all so sad

Dyson: at least we’re adding jobs -
if you want to lose jobs please elect
another Republican

Noonan: sigh

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