Sunday, April 22, 2012

Meet The Press - April 22, 2012

Rep. Peter King (R-NY)
Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA)
David Axelrod
Chuck Todd
Helene Cooper
E.J. Dionne
David Brooks
Jay Leno
Stanley Cup


Gregory: OMG this campaign is getting dirty
 - Obama said he wasn’t born with a
silver spoon in his mouth like Ricky Schroeder

Audience: ooh

Gregory: holy crap 11 members of the military
have been implicated in the Secret Service
prostitution scandal

King: I am shocked that agents went
to prostitutes - they should be fired and
elected to Congress

Gregory: wow

King: my staff is going to get the bottom
of these prostitutes

Gregory: good luck

King: we need to make sure these women
didn’t find out anything secret like
why we're in Afghanistan

Gregory: why should they have access
to information we don’t?

Issa: we are totally going to observe this investigation

Gregory: you’re a good man

Issa: I am told many of these
Columbians were foreigners

Gregory: shouldn’t we just fire
everybody in the Secret Service

Issa: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: these weren’t rookies -
what the hell were they thinking?

King: we must have a zero tolerance
policy for contact with foreigners

Gregory: what do you demand
of the President?

Issa: be hands-off and also personally
conduct the investigation

Gregory: should the Director of the
Secret Service be fired?

King: oh no - he has too many secrets

Gregory: you disappoint me

King: you should see that guy’s files

Gregory: maybe Congress should do
more oversight on the Secret Service

King: oh everyone watches porn at work

Gregory: a Secret Service agent posted on
Facebook that he was checking Sarah Palin out

Issa: woot

Gregory: and then this moron at the GSA
posted pics of him with champagne -
don’t they know people read Facebook??

Issa: we should encourage more of this
- that’s how we catch ‘em!

King: he should have posted them on Google Plus
then no one would ever know

Gregory: why the hell is Newt Gingrich
still getting Secret Service protection?

King: he is being threatened by
Tiffany collection services
[ break ]

Gregory: Is Obama hopping mad?

Axelrod: he was apoplectic about the GSA scandal
- but he loves the Secret Service

Gregory: Senator Sessions says Obama
should be protecting the Secret Service

Axelrod: that shocking because he’s usually
so supportive of the President

Gregory: was that sarcasm?

Gregory: I bet Comcast has problem employees too

Gregory: not me -  I never rock the boat

Gregory: Obama leads in nearly every poll
but if you go inside the numbers he only
leads in 11 out of 15 categories

Axelrod: Romney wants to bring back
the Bush years - it didn’t fucking
the last time work

Gregory: so you won’t defend Obama?

Axelrod: he’s created millions of jobs Fluffs

Gregory: but not enough

Axelrod: the last quarter was the
best jobs quarter in six years

Gregory: this campaign is going to be
very mean - you called Mitt Romney out of touch!

Axelrod: He has an elevator for his cars Fluffy!

Gregory: who among us doesn’t have a

Axelrod: he wants to cut taxes for richest
Americans but double rates on student loans

Gregory: Karl Rove said Bush brought us
the war on terror so vote for him -
what’s your meaningless soundbite?

Gregory: the President is fighting for
the middle class

Gregory: But I don’t like Obama

Axelrod: well you’re not middle class
are you Greggers?

Gregory: I’m lower upper class

Gregory: when is Obama going cut Social Security?

Axelrod: he’s not

Gregory: but people are voting for
Mitt Romney because they hate Medicare

Axelrod: which people?

Gregory: the people I hang out with

Axelrod: there is a Reign of Terror on Capitol Hill!

Gregory: I get all my news from The Onion

Axelrod: that makes sense

Gregory: can you do big things?

Axelrod: not with the Tea Party
blocking everything

Gregory: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Gregory: hey panel what about the Secret Service?

Brooks: I hate ego-centric people who think writing
for the New York Times makes them important

Cooper: Presidents are reluctant to go
after the Secret Service because they will
take a bullet for you

Todd: the media loves prostitutes

Gregory: prostitutes should be paid dammit!

Todd: The American people don’t trust
large institutions anymore

Dionne: the Secret Service scandal is
bad for progressives

Gregory: Barack Obama is going to divide
America by attacking Romney

Todd: people don’t like Romney but
they really dislike Republicans

Cooper: Is Mitt Romney a flip-flopper
or a right-wing extremist?

Brooks: I think both guys can lose the election

Gregory: at my cocktail parties we all
wonder why these guys won’t do big
things like cut Social Security!

Dionne: If Obama turns out young people,
women and blacks he’s got this

Todd: if Obama wins Hispanics he can win the West

Gregory: who will be the Vice President?

Brooks: someone really decent like Rob Portman

Cooper: McDonnell maybe boring too
but he can help with another swing state

Gregory: If Romney was serious about
the budget he would pick Paul Ryan

Dionne: Fluffy you are a moron

Todd: Senator Kelly Ayotte from New Hampshire
would be a real game-changer

Dionne: oh god

Gregory: I talked about Jay Leno

Leno: Al Gore is funny in person but
stiff on camera

Gregory: what about John Kerry?

Leno: he rode a motorcycle, drank a beer
and announced he was a regular person

Gregory: what about Mitt Romney

Leno: he exhibited many human-like qualities

Gregory: awesome

Gregory: speaking of inanimate objects
- welcome Stanley Cup!

Stanley Cup: hi Fluffy

Gregory: you are a very shiny object

Stanley Cup: I know what it takes
to get your attention

Gregory: you travel the world constantly,
are fondled by men and women, and
can hold 14 cans of beer

Stanley Cup: just like a Secret Service advance team

Gregory: thanks for coming

Stanley Cup: you’re welcome

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press

1 comment:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

King: he should have posted them on Google Plus then no one would ever know