Sunday, January 29, 2012

Meet the Press - January 29, 2012

Sen. John McCain
Fred Thompson
David Axelrod
Joe Scarborough
Doris Kearns Goodwin
Gregory: so Florida is voting in a few days

Todd: Romney leads Gingrich in every
category except “too crazy to be
our nominee”

Gregory: greetings gentlemen

McCain: hi Fluffy

Thompson: whuh?

Gregory: hey Newt is losing Florida

McCain: yes I noticed

Thompson: yes but Newt won in South
Carolina except for smart people

Gregory: the Establishment is terrified
of Newt as the GOP nominee

Thompson: that’s only because people
who know him hate his guts

Gregory: I see

Thompson: Newt passed welfare reform
then he went insane

McCain: Newt shut down the government
- also he’s corrupt

Gregory: he is?

McCain: ever heard of the K Street Project Fluffy?

Gregory: no

McCain: he called Ronald Reagan a failure!

Thompson: haarrruumph

McCain: Citizens United was an outrage and
Gingrich is being funded by
a Chinese casino operator

Thompson: Mitt Romney is rich which
is very bad!

McCain: Fred you washed up
Hollywood jackass

Thompson: George Soros spends money!

Gregory: good point grandpa

Thompson: in an alternate universe Gingrich
successfully impeached Bill Clinton

Gregory: is that why you have the beard -
are you Evil Fred Thomson?

McCain: oh my god Fred you are insane

Thompson: Romney is mean nasty and
did I say mean

Gregory: when did Republicans become
such crybabies?

Thompson: whaaaa!

Gregory: here’s a hankie Fred

Thompson: Being nasty is no way
to win an election!

[ sobs ]

Gregory: Sarah Palin is worried about a
split in the party

McCain: who is this Sarah Palin person
you speak of?

Gregory: heh

McCain: Did I mention Mitt Romney has
never had extra martial affairs

Gregory: but you attacked Romney in 2008

McCain: Gingrich can’t whine his way to victory

Thompson: this is the most important time in
our history - the economy has stopped!

Gregory: actually the economy is growing

Thompson: maybe so but this is the
Obama Recession

Gregory: ok

Thompson: we don’t need a bean counter!
We need a 51st state on the moon!

Gregory: Obama intimidated the
Governor of Arizona

McCain: 40,000 people have been killed in
a country that is not America!

Gregory: wow

Gregory: this is your 61st appearance on
Meet The Press

McCain: What do I get when I hit 100?

Gregory: a pair of gold rabbit ears

McCain: how appropriate Fluffy

[ break ]

Gregory: David Brooks says Obama isn’t
thinking big enough

Axelrod: Obama wants to revive manufacturing
and community colleges

Gregory: I demand Americans sacrifice!

Axelrod: ok how about raising taxes on millionaires

Gregory: the reality of the situation with
entitlements is dire!

Axelrod: so you say Greggers

Gregory: President Alan Simpson says we
must cut social security!

Axelrod: you’re a moron

Gregory: Obama says this election is
about fairness

Axelrod: that sounds good to me

Gregory: but didn’t Romney play
by the rules?

Axelrod: yes you are allowed to hide
your money in Swiss bank accounts but
that doesn't make it right

Gregory: you must raise taxes on
the middle class

Axelrod: you seem insistent on this point

Gregory: you must cut entitlements!

Axelrod: the rich have done spectacularly
well you know Fluffy

Gregory: isn’t Bain Capital wonderful

Axelrod: Romney bankrupts companies
and then loots them

Gregory: but shareholders made a
lot of money

Axelrod: he kills jobs!

Gregory: so does Obama

Axelrod: no George Bush lost millions of
jobs and Romney wants to return to his policies

Gregory: you attack investors but Obama
invested in General Motors

Axelrod: but we didn’t loot the company -
we built an industry

Gregory: it’s still the same

Axelrod: well then why did Romney oppose
the auto bailout!?

Gregory: will the GOP fight continue?

Axelrod: well Romney has the money and
Newt is crazy but then again Mitt
is a liar and weirdo

Gregory: Does Obama hate politics?

Axelrod: no he likes it which proves
he’s not normal

Gregory: why should people vote for Obama?

Axelrod: because we’re adding jobs and the
other guys are out of their fucking minds

Gregory: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Gregory: Hi panel! So Newt was doing so
well - what went wrong?

Scarborough: Florida is big state - it
takes money and organization and
popularity - three things Gingrich
doesn’t have

Todd: Team Romney carpet-bombed
the state with cash and coupons
for early bird dinners

Goodwin: it’s like Custer’s Last Stand
except Romney is a very rich Indian

Scarborough: Establishment v Tea Party!
It’s so on right now!!

Goodwin: I’m starting to wonder if Newt
is actually insane

Gregory: George Washington was just like
Romney because he was very rich too

Good: yes but FDR had polio and JFK was
in WWII and Mitt spent Vietnam in Paris

Todd: not every American has a Swiss
bank account

Gregory: most of the best people do

Scarborough: that is true

Gregory: Joe you warned that Gingrich is like
a cockroach or Cher

Scarborough: yes they are scary and
you don’t want them around and you think
you got rid of them and there they are

Gregory: will Newt ever go away?

Scarborough: He could win Georgia,
Oklahoma, Tennessee and the Moon

Gregory: Newt is still leading in nation polls

Todd: but Romney is going to win Michigan
- people love him there and since they
are unemployed will plenty of time to vote

Gregory: Obama is laughing his ass off

Goodwin: Obama talked about fairness
and people like that

Gregory: Obama is not demanding
enough sacrifice is he?

Scarborough: it was a great campaign
speech which is very depressing because
no one is willing to demand that
poor people give up even more

Gregory: Obama is cheating by being popular

Scar: it’s so so sad

Gregory: Beet sugar fields on the Moon!

Goodwin: so awesome

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press

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