Good evening my fellow long-suffering Americans
I want to tell you we getting the hell out of the nightmare that is Iraq and we can finally focus
on the endless misery in America
Now listen up world: we’re still America and we may have acted like idiots but don’t fuck with us!
World: ok ok
Ok now you all know that the result of the war is thousands of Americans were killed and wounded and our international relations were ruined -- but hey good news - our soldiers are the best in the fucking world! Give it up for our troops!
Tonight I am announcing that the killing phase of our war in Iraq is finally over! Jesus Allah that was one sucky war!
We’ve moved 100,000 troops and all their shit out of Iraq.
And how about those Iraqi troops?! In took 7 years but they finally learned how to fight!
Iraqis are even holding fair elections
- hey we should try that!
Audience: golf clap
Now don’t worry - we’re not leaving Iraq! We’re going to advise them on fighting and of course we’re protect our “civilians” - I sent Joe Biden there to remind them America never leaves - we just annoy other countries in new and different ways!
World: I hear that
Only Iraqis can police their streets! Well them
We paid a really high price to invade Iraq and dammit we should get something out of it!
That war really divided America but let’s not argue about who lied to who about a war
Today I spoke with former President Bush - and let me just say it was a very interesting conversation
Ok the man is stupid
Now is not the time to fight amongst ourselves - Osama is hiding in a cave somewhere threatening Americans!
Now we are going on the motherfuckin offense! We’re going to kick some Taliban ass!! Surge, fuckers!
But then we gotta get the hell out of there - look I’m no fool and open ended war is a one-ticket to disaster. Christ we can’t just invade every place where we’re not loved. I mean we don’t have enough troops to occupy France anyway
Speaking of Bush disasters, as you know we neglected infrastructure, manufacturing, education, the debt, and the economy for 10 years.
Our soldiers fought for 10 years in fucking deserts and y’all waved flags and put magnets on your cars - but are you white people willing to work put this country back together??
Well it’s time to get to work, pay our taxes and serve our veterans! Like, mental health care, new limbs and yes even a college education -- did you know my white grandpa fought in WWII? Yes he did and he was not a muslim! Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Over 4,000 Americans were killed in Iraq which last time I checked is more than died on 9/11. That’s some pretty whacked-out-shit isn’t it? Ok, so no fancy surrender ceremony, sorry. This address is all you get. But I love you soldiers - you are the steel in our ship of state and the wind beneath my wings. Love ya!
Goodnight white fuckers!