Guest: Gen. David Petraeus
Gregory: General you’re handsome and I love you
Petraeus: I am awesome aren’t I?
Gregory: you do pushups and protect mosques
Petraeus: I could kick your ass
Gregory: but I’m taller
Petraeus: only if you count your hair Fluffy
Gregory: is it you job to pull out by next year?
Petraeus: our job is to build on the failures of
the last nine years
Gregory: I see
Petraeus: Barack told me to come Afghanistan
and kick some ass and take some names
Gregory: oh that’s really cool
Petraeus: the buck stops with him
Gregory: but you’re on my tv
Gregory: can Hamid Karzai be trusted?
Eikenberry: absolutely - he can be counted on to enrich himself and his family without regard to ethics
Gregory: well can’t we all
Gregory: hey audience I got to fly on a helicopter!!
Petraeus: we’re going to imitate BP and create a Giant Oil Spot of Peace
Gregory: a Gusher of Tranquility that cannot be contained?
Gregory: Look at this regional Governor pretend in front our tv cameras that he loves America
Gregory: and then there was rocket fire
Petraeus: oh that just a little celebration
Gregory: so it’s like Detroit
Petraeus: all we have to is kill anyone who can pull
a trigger and we’ll be fine
Gregory: why is this America’s longest war and why aren’t we making any progress?
Petraeus: oh but we’re making small pockets of progress
Gregory: small pockets? It’s been 9 fucking years!
Petraeus: true but now Obama has tripled the number of American civilians here
Gregory: what are they going to do?
Petraeus: we’re going to keep sending lawyers until they surrender
Gregory: but can you win without the support of the American people
Petraeus: 9/11 9/11 9/11
Gregory: Did McChrystal getting fired give you a sad?
Petraeus: No - now I am the top dog in the Pentagon and we’ve all linked arms and are doing
a happy dance
Gregory: Wikileaks is going to put out another 15,000 pages - what’s in it?
Petraeus: these are unimportant documents and leaking them was a horrible betrayal of trust
Gregory: do the documents contain any secrets?
Petraeus: my god man - those papers had the
KFC 11 herbs and spices
Gregory: holy shit
Gregory: can you save this just like you won Iraq
Petraeus: If I can’t do it Dancing Dave no one can
Gregory: how horrible is Obama for setting a deadline for leaving American’s longest quagmire?
Petraeus: he isn’t and you’re an idiot
Gregory: you just gave the wrong answer so please change it and bash Obama
Petraeus: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: we were getting along so well
Petraeus: the deadline actually helps concentrate the minds of the wackos here
Gregory: Can’t you persuade Obama to stay in Afghanistan please?
Petraeus: [ punches Gregory in the face ]
Gregory: what kind of relationship do you have with President Karzai?
Petraeus: we’re going steady and I’m over the moon
Gregory: but he’s corrupt
Petraeus: he may be a bastard but he’s our bastard
Gregory: I like it
Petraeus: he fired a guy for being incorrectly corrupt so there’s that
Gregory: do you like him?
Petraeus: he’s the President of a sovereign nation which just happens to be occupied by the USA
Gregory: why don’t we just get rid of him?
Petraeus: he’s the President!
Gregory: he’s a puppet
Petraeus: he’s the Lambchop of Central Asia
Gregory: what’s the deal with the Taliban?
Petraeus: they’re pretty scary
Gregory: why don’t the Afghan people just rise up and defeat the Taliban?
Petraeus: people here survive by being Professional Chameleons
Gregory: like that Geico lizard?
Gregory: Afghans are sitting on the fence
Petraeus: that’s how you get stuck in the ass
Gregory: but people are waiting for us to leave and then we’re screwed
Petraeus: how so?
Gregory: who will resolve Afghan zoning disputes
if not us?
Petraeus: interesting point
Gregory: what do you say to people who say we can’t win
Petraeus: we’re not going to turn Afghanistan into Switzerland
Gregory: with mountains, secrecy, war criminals and money laundering?
Petraeus: ok maybe we will
Gregory: what’s winning?
Petraeus: a government that allows outside investment
Gregory: now we’re talking
Gregory: can you point out on this map where Osama is?
Petraeus: the Taliban control this area the size
Gregory: oh my
Petraeus: wait - there’s more - we also have enemies in the south, the north, the center and the mountains near Pakistan
Gregory: that seems like a problem
Petraeus: the Taliban are egregious!
Gregory: I don’t think you can say that word on NBC
Gregory: are we giving money to our enemies?
Petraeus: look if America has learned anything, it’s this: money solves everything
Gregory: where’s Osama?
Petraeus: he’s hiding in the mountains protected by religious fanatics
Gregory: he’s in Utah?
Gregory: don’t we have to stay in Afghanistan because of Time magazine’s cover?
Petraeus: well that’s silly but yes
Gregory: what prizes do we win here
Petraeus: we’ll get some lovely parting gifts
Gregory: so why stay?
Petraeus: the Time magazine cover says it all
Gregory: of course
Petraeus: or we can turn Afghanistan in an American colony with a Silk Road and take all their minerals
Gregory: ooh a bit of a history lesson
Petraeus: no - George W. Bush actually tried to build a road made of silk
Gregory: how did that go?
Petraeus: not so well
Gregory: did we win in Iraq?
Petraeus: it’s too soon to say - wait 50 years
Gregory: Was George Bush really a great President in spite of his terrible record?
Petraeus: we he did belatedly order even more troops into combat there which was very courageous
Gregory: yes who would have thought he would defy everything we know about him and send soldiers to fight more wars
Gregory: should we bomb Iran?
Petraeus: we could if ordered to
Gregory: what are you reading?
Gregory: White Man’s Burden!
Gregory: Will you please run for President?
Gregory: [ sobs ]