Meet The Press with Gen. Petraeus - August 15, 2010

Host:
David Gregory
Guest: Gen. David Petraeus
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Gregory: General you’re handsome and I love you

Petraeus: I am awesome aren’t I?

Gregory: you do pushups and protect mosques

Petraeus: I could kick your ass

Gregory: but I’m taller

Petraeus: only if you count your hair Fluffy

Gregory: is it you job to pull out by next year?

Petraeus: our job is to build on the failures of
the last nine years

Gregory: I see

Petraeus: Barack told me to come Afghanistan
and kick some ass and take some names

Gregory: oh that’s really cool

Petraeus: the buck stops with him

Gregory: but you’re on my tv

Petraeus: true

Gregory: can Hamid Karzai be trusted?

Eikenberry: absolutely - he can be counted on to enrich himself and his family without regard to ethics

Gregory: well can’t we all

Gregory: hey audience I got to fly on a helicopter!!

Petraeus: we’re going to imitate BP and create a Giant Oil Spot of Peace

Gregory: a Gusher of Tranquility that cannot be contained?

Petraeus: exactly

Gregory: Look at this regional Governor pretend in front our tv cameras that he loves America

Audience: woo-hoo

Gregory: and then there was rocket fire

Petraeus: oh that just a little celebration

Gregory: so it’s like Detroit

Petraeus: all we have to is kill anyone who can pull
a trigger and we’ll be fine

Gregory: why is this America’s longest war and why aren’t we making any progress?

Petraeus: oh but we’re making small pockets of progress

Gregory: small pockets? It’s been 9 fucking years!

Petraeus: true but now Obama has tripled the number of American civilians here

Gregory: what are they going to do?

Petraeus: we’re going to keep sending lawyers until they surrender

Gregory: but can you win without the support of the American people

Petraeus: 9/11 9/11 9/11


Gregory: Did McChrystal getting fired give you a sad?

Petraeus: No - now I am the top dog in the Pentagon and we’ve all linked arms and are doing
a happy dance

Gregory: Wikileaks is going to put out another 15,000 pages - what’s in it?

Petraeus: these are unimportant documents and leaking them was a horrible betrayal of trust

Gregory: do the documents contain any secrets?

Petraeus: my god man - those papers had the
KFC 11 herbs and spices

Gregory: holy shit

Gregory: can you save this just like you won Iraq
by yourself?

Petraeus: If I can’t do it Dancing Dave no one can

Gregory: how horrible is Obama for setting a deadline for leaving American’s longest quagmire?

Petraeus: he isn’t and you’re an idiot

Gregory: you just gave the wrong answer so please change it and bash Obama

Petraeus: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: we were getting along so well

Petraeus: the deadline actually helps concentrate the minds of the wackos here

Gregory: Can’t you persuade Obama to stay in Afghanistan please?

Petraeus: [ punches Gregory in the face ]

Gregory: Ow!

Gregory: what kind of relationship do you have with President Karzai?

Petraeus: we’re going steady and I’m over the moon

Gregory: but he’s corrupt

Petraeus: he may be a bastard but he’s our bastard

Gregory: I like it

Petraeus: he fired a guy for being incorrectly corrupt so there’s that

Gregory: do you like him?

Petraeus: he’s the President of a sovereign nation which just happens to be occupied by the USA

Gregory: why don’t we just get rid of him?

Petraeus: he’s the President!

Gregory: he’s a puppet

Petraeus: he’s the Lambchop of Central Asia

Gregory: what’s the deal with the Taliban?

Petraeus: they’re pretty scary

Gregory: why don’t the Afghan people just rise up and defeat the Taliban?

Petraeus: people here survive by being Professional Chameleons

Gregory: like that Geico lizard?

Petraeus: right

Gregory: Afghans are sitting on the fence

Petraeus: that’s how you get stuck in the ass

Gregory: but people are waiting for us to leave and then we’re screwed

Petraeus: how so?

Gregory: who will resolve Afghan zoning disputes
if not us?

Petraeus: interesting point

Gregory: what do you say to people who say we can’t win

Petraeus: we’re not going to turn Afghanistan into Switzerland

Gregory: with mountains, secrecy, war criminals and money laundering?

Petraeus: ok maybe we will

Gregory: what’s winning?

Petraeus: a government that allows outside investment

Gregory: now we’re talking

Gregory: can you point out on this map where Osama is?

Petraeus: the Taliban control this area the size
of California

Gregory: oh my

Petraeus: wait - there’s more - we also have enemies in the south, the north, the center and the mountains near Pakistan

Gregory: that seems like a problem

Petraeus: the Taliban are egregious!

Gregory: I don’t think you can say that word on NBC

Gregory: are we giving money to our enemies?

Petraeus: look if America has learned anything, it’s this: money solves everything

Gregory: where’s Osama?

Petraeus: he’s hiding in the mountains protected by religious fanatics

Gregory: he’s in Utah?

Gregory: don’t we have to stay in Afghanistan because of Time magazine’s cover?

Petraeus: well that’s silly but yes

Gregory: what prizes do we win here

Petraeus: we’ll get some lovely parting gifts

Gregory: so why stay?

Petraeus: the Time magazine cover says it all

Gregory: of course

Petraeus: or we can turn Afghanistan in an American colony with a Silk Road and take all their minerals

Gregory: ooh a bit of a history lesson

Petraeus: no - George W. Bush actually tried to build a road made of silk

Gregory: how did that go?

Petraeus: not so well

Gregory: did we win in Iraq?

Petraeus: it’s too soon to say - wait 50 years

Gregory: Was George Bush really a great President in spite of his terrible record?

Petraeus: we he did belatedly order even more troops into combat there which was very courageous

Gregory: yes who would have thought he would defy everything we know about him and send soldiers to fight more wars

Petraeus: indeed

Gregory: should we bomb Iran?

Petraeus: we could if ordered to

Gregory: what are you reading?

Petraeus: Kipling

Gregory: White Man’s Burden!

Gregory: Will you please run for President?

Petraeus: No

Gregory: [ sobs ]

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