Sunday, August 01, 2010

Meet The Press - August 1, 2010

Admiral Mullen - Chair Joint Chiefs
Gov. Ed Rendell - (D-PA)
Mike Bloomberg - Mayor of New York
Alan Greenspan
Doris Goodwin
Mark Halperin
August 1, 2010

Gregory: Admiral I love your epaulets

Mullen: thanks

Gregory: don’t these Wikileaks prove the war was a colossal waste of time

Mullen: no it proves that it WAS a huge mistake - but that was in the past - now we’re beginning to make great progress so it’s all good

Gregory: why the fuck can’t we get Al-Qaeda?

Mullen: Obama is sending more troops

Gregory: now we need more troops - jesus

Mullen: we said this we would be a tough year but in 12 months we’ll know whether this new phase of the was also a complete waste

Gregory: the Taliban attacks our troops from Pakistan so we need them but they hate us

Mullen: look I’m not going to mince words - we may need to go to war with them too

Gregory: what?!

Mullen: no I’m just pulling your leg Fluffy

Gregory: oh good

Mullen: look we’re not going to win overnight - we’re going to lose over a period of years and years

Gregory: ah I see

Mullen: then we may have to tangle with India

Gregory: is Pakistan with us or against us?

Mullen: both

Gregory: what a relief

Gregory: will you make a deal with the Taliban?

Mullen: we sent Howie Mandel there already

Gregory: Look at this gruesome biased Time magazine cover

Mullen: eww

Gregory: are we there to protect the women of Afghanistan?

Mullen: no

Gregory: ok

Mullen: we have to protect all the people of Afghanistan

Gregory: but I thought we were there to get al qaeda?

Mullen: yes but to defeat them we must rebuild the Afghan economy, society, and civilization

Gregory: which is worse - letting Iran get a nuke or attacking Iran

Mullen: gosh Greggers that’s a tough one

Gregory: well you’re the one with the shiny shoulders

Mullen: Talk to Barack Fluffers

Gregory: can we have a new war please?

Mullen: maybe

Gregory: why are so many soldiers committing suicide?

Mullen: it could be the wars and constant redeployments

Gregory: you think

Mullen: but not only that

Gregory: thanks for coming Admiral

[ break ]

Gregory: Welcome everyone to Recovery Summer! What the hell is wrong?

Bloomberg: Well Democrats won’t cut spending and the GOP won’t raise taxes and nobody knows what the future holds so no one hires anyone

Gregory: people won’t spend so employers won’t hire and so people won’t spend

Greenspan: our problem is that America doesn’t make anything anymore - we just shuffle financial papers around

Gregory: hey that’s very lucrative

Greenspan: that’s true

Gregory: how can we reinflate the housing bubble?

Greenspan: it’s touch and go

Gregory: Ed America has run out of money

Rendell: we need stimulus and re-build infrastructure and that’s perfect because we can do both at once

Bloomberg: the stimulus went to buy flat screen tvs

Gregory: what is the unemployment level

Greenspan: it’s half past Matlock

Gregory: what does that mean?

Greenspan: the unemployment I caused is very tragic

Gregory: Mike should we let the tax cuts for the rich expire?

Bloomberg: oh no it’s much too risky

Rendell: we raised taxes in 1993 and created 23 million jobs

Bloomberg: yeah but Bill Clinton cheated by not starting any wars

Rendell: let’s cut Medicare and Medicaid and then phase in raising taxes on the rich to the incredibly high levels they were under Reagan

Gregory: Alan you said we should let the tax cuts expire

Greenspan: why should we borrow money from our grandchildren so billionaires can be even richer now?

Gregory: what a crazy idea

Gregory: hey is Wall Street different from the movie in 1987

Bloomberg: no that movie said Wall Street was a bunch of crooks

Gregory: why does corrupt evil Wall Street executives hate Obama?

Bloomberg: We’re all to blame for the excess and recession - let’s not look for villains

Gregory: but Obama doesn’t get along with the business community

Rendell: It’s terrible - so sad for Obama

Gregory: immigration!

Bloomberg: let’s be realistic - we social security cards encoded with DNA

Gregory: how is my 401(k)?

Greenspan: I have no idea but I will say this - pudding!

Gregory: will you for President in 2012

Bloomberg: no I can’t get elected - I believe in evolution

Gregory: oh well forget I said anything

[ break ]

Gregory: Doris how is Obama doing?

Goodwin: he showed feistiness in Detroit and people need that

Gregory: what about Afghanistan

Goodwin: FDR invaded North Africa because people need to be entertained

Gregory: Obama says the American worker is a great investment

Halperin: but he’s a President with high unemployment and two unpopular wars

Gregory: what a terrible record!

Halperin: we should elect Republicans!

Gregory: why is Obama so unpopular and why won’t he support Charlie Rangel

Goodwin: I know he’s not liked but I think he should argue for himself and talk about results!

Halperin: Rangel is black you know

Gregory: really?

Halperin: I read that somewhere

Gregory: Hey Chelsea got married

Goodwin: they raised a terrific kid

Halperin: people are fascinated by the Clintons

Gregory: beltway pundits are hopeless village gossips

Halperin: indeed

Gregory: and that’s Meet the Press


1 comment:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Gregory: beltway pundits are hopeless village gossips

Halperin: indeed

Followed by the double CHA-CHINGS! as said d-bags cash their beltway paychecks.