Meet The Press
November 15, 2009
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
Secretary of Education Arne Duncan
Gregory: Hi Hillary
Clinton: morning Fluffy
Gregory: Secretary Clinton why would we enforce the rule of law against really bad people?
Clinton: Greggers New York City isn’t afraid to try these people and bring them to justice
Gregory: but having super-terrorists in New York City is so scary!
Clinton: Calm down Fluffy - I don’t how it works
in California but here in New York our jails have locks and everything
Gregory: speaking of being terrified of brown swarthy terrorists - why haven’t you closed
Clinton: we want to leave it nice so we’re painting and mowing the lawn first
Gregory: makes sense
Gregory: I hear Obama is considering invading Afghanistan
Gregory: Jill Eikenberry says sending more troops to Afghanistan could backfire
Clinton: you mean Karl Eikenberry
Gregory: him too
Clinton: we need to defeat al-qaeda
Clinton: and also the Taliban
Clinton: so we can’t leave until the Afghan government has defeated the Taliban on its
own and rules a peaceful nation
Gregory: what’s the deal with Hamid Karzai
Clinton: on the plus side he’s a handsome man
and a snappy dresser - on the other hand he’s a power-hungry megalomaniac
Gregory: just like Donald Trump
Clinton: look Bush completely fucked up
Gregory: yes Afghanistan is in really bad shape
Clinton: I meant the U.S.
Clinton: I don’t think I can overstate how hated George Bush was around the world and frankly he dropped the ball on Bin Laden along with everything else he touched
Gregory: Obama is going to pay homage to
Our Chinese Overlords
Clinton: you know when my husband Bill was President we almost eliminated the debt and since then Stupid wasted 2 trillion dollars so it’s up to Obama and me to fix all his mistakes
Gregory: how do we combat the wily orientals?
Clinton: sure we’re rivals but we have a common enemy who presents a threat to the stability of the whole world
Gregory: North Korea?
Clinton: Sarah Palin
Gregory: She wants to have coffee with you
Clinton: it would be fascinating to meet someone who’s never read a newspaper before
Gregory: will you read her book?
Clinton: I will if she does
Gregory: can her brand of Crazy take over the GOP?
Clinton: I sure hope so
[ break ]
Gregory: OMG it’s such a cute odd couple - Newt Gingrich and Al Sharpton are going to come up with a bipartisan solution to failing education in America!
Gregory: Newt and Al - both of you are widely disliked - so thank you for coming on my show today
Gingrich: right on
[ fist bump each other ]
Gregory: people say America doesn’t manufacture anything anymore Arne but you say we have excellent Dropout Factories
Duncan: that’s right - we want achievement and to raise the bar and remove firewalls
Gregory: those are some very inspiring clichés
Duncan: we must challenge the status quo, go outside our comfort zones and hope for change
Gingrich: this is the civil right of the 21st century
Duncan: we need good schools
Gingrich: some schools are poor and violent and that’s bad
Sharpton: the poor and minorities are really getting screwed by our failing schools
Gregory: Newt you wanted to rid of the Department
Gingrich: in an ideal world every child would get
a Pell grant and buy their education on the open free market
Sharpton: hell parents have failed as well
Gregory: have we achieved anything?
Sharpton: we have succeeded in getting Newt
and me back on tv!
Gregory: since the teachers unions are evil why should we believe that a liberal will enforce accountability?
Duncan: if there was real accountability Rachel Maddow would take your job Fluffy
Gregory: what if teachers lie to you?
Duncan: I could kiss their ass like you do
Gingrich: the teachers union is responsible for
kids going to prison
Sharpton: we also need parents involved
Gregory: now wait just a minute - I invited you here
to bash teachers unions not for some debate about education
Sharpton: I heard back in Harlem you were a moron
Gingrich: Al Sharpton and I can inspire the whole world with our bipartisanship attention-seeking
Gregory: Are our teachers just stupid and should we have a West Point of Teachers?
Duncan: hard-working, service, public service,
blah blah blah
Gingrich: Jefferson said self-knowledge is vital
Gregory: Thomas Jefferson?
Gingrich: no George Jefferson - in the Hawaii episode
Gregory: that is so wise
Gingrich: the damm kids need discipline for the first time in their lives!
Sharpton: I never knew I was underprivileged because my mother taught me right
Gregory: Should we have a national failed curriculum?
Gingrich: no because some districts want to
teach kids that Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to meetups with blond haired blue-eyed Republican tax-cutting Jesus