Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Democratic Debate - MSNBC - February 26, 2008

Democratic Debate
February 26, 2008
Sen. Hillary Clinton
Sen. Barack Obama

Brian Williams: Welcome to Ohio!! Home of 8 presidents - how the hell did that happen???


Williams: this debate is like a Republican bathhouse - the only rule is that there are no rules!

Here to make me look even more handsome is Tim Russert

Russert: that's not what you said on Sept. 23, 1986

Williams: shut up Timmy

Williams: Hillary you flew into a rage at Obama do you have emotional problems?

Hillary: dammit he said i was in favor of NAFTA!

Obama: no that was BAFTA - i mean fuck daniel day lewis

Clinton: he said i would make people pay for their health care plan and that's not true because i would cover everyone - whereas he would not and hates sick people

Williams: now let me flash the Drudge photo again and cite the Drudge Report twice

Clinton: oh for fuck's sake

Obama: well that's fine she denies the whole Drudge thing although I doubt it - but let's talk about health care -- she never lets a day go by without reminding people that I would leave 15 million people to die in the street without health insurance

Clinton: oh yeah that's true

Obama: well she only covers people with a mandate that would include garnishing wages

Clinton: but those are free riders!

Obama: oh quit whining look at your Robo-calls

Clinton: no my lies on other issues are ok - but this issue is too important to send out bad mailings - its like the health insurance companies wrote it - i take on the insurers by requiring people to go out and buy health insurance

Obama: bullshit i care about sick people as much as you do

Clinton: we all must be in the same boat so insurers can't cherrry pick the sick people

Obama: criminy that does not make sense - of course insurers like a mandate and how does her plan bring down costs

Clinton: He's Barack Mandate Obama - he requires parents to go out and get insurance and it's so wrong to make parents take care of their children

Obama: wrong wrong demmit

Clinton: my plan is affordable because i have loads of subsidies and tax credits and i would limit the cost of premiums

Obama: its a gift to insurers

Clinton: health insurance is health care - there is no difference so ergo under your plan everyone dies

Obama: duh my plan makes parents get health insurance for their kids because it's affordable

Clinton: those young fuckers must be forced to buy health insurance they think they are immortal

Williams: maybe they're Highlanders

Clinton: Barack Obama is a big baby who needs a pillow and blankie

Obama: gawd 4 years of this will be friggin painful

Clinton: yes I was in favor of NAFTA - but we need a plan to fix the mistakes i made in 1996

Obama: i have one too -- elect me instead

Clinton: you need a time-out like the one we need for trade - i know that the blue collars joe sixpacks care about so i will say i do

Obama: mighty white of you

Clinton: NAFTA killed Ohio but Obama keeps criticizing me and that's mean

Obama: jeebus of course she was in favor of NAFTA - when I worked on the streets of Chicago a quarter of a century ago i saw devastation caused by poor trade agreements

Clinton: i can't believe your mommy let you out that late at night

Russert: gotcha hillary you said dozens of times that NAFTA was great and courageous - will you pull out of NAFTA

Clinton: i will renegotiate it - but to be fair NAFTA really was a good idea and courageous

Russert: so was it a good idea or not??

Clinton: Tim you don't have the entire record sometimes i say it's good and sometimes i don't - i've been entirely consistent

Russert: can you prove that?

Clinton: the Cleveland Plain Dealer said teh negro was lying

Clinton: this is NO FAIR - Obama and i never voted on NAFTA

Russert: but you were co-president

Clinton: was i?

Russert: Borat will you pull out?

Obama: i luv american workers but let's face it free trade fucks us over i want to be the Worker President

Russert: u scare me

Obama: american retirees should not be making hamburgers

Russert: i can haz cheeseburger?

Timmy: are you sure that NAFTA isn't great - i mean look at my underwear it's only costs $1 a pack and comes in XXXXL

Obama: well that's very nice Timmy but i'd like to talk about windmills

Russert: tonight will you pledge to revive the city of Buffalo

Clinton: Tim i'm running for president not Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot

Russert: but you lied about the jobs back in 2000

Clinton: hey fatty i thought al gore would be president all we need to do is elect a democrat

Russert: good point - Brian you try her she scares me

Williams: Hillary says you are just like George W Bush with no experience

Obama: that's because she is a creature of Washington - she is another John McCain who wants to stay in Iraq for 100 years

Brian: but she is against the war now

Obama: she freaked out when i said i would get tough on Pakistan but i was right

Clinton: i liberated ireland and gave a speech in china

Williams: but he was right about Iraq!

Clinton: i question his foreign policy judgment

Williams: give me an example of where he has been wrong

Clinton: he agreed with me on Iraq

Williams: wow that is dumb

Williams: but if he agreed with you then what makes you better?

Clinton: i went to 80 countries with the Bill Clinton presidency

Williams: were you qualified for that?

Clinton: shut up

Obama: look Hillary and George W. Bush drove the American bus into a ditch and i'm trying to get the bus out of the ditch but it's hard

Williams: you're a hot-head

Obama: i never said i would bomb Pakistan - i said we need to stop fucking around with the people who attacked on 9/11 it's about a speech it's a break with the Clinton-McCain Doctrine

Tim: if the iraqi government says we should leave but Bill Kristol says we should stay - should we leave???

Obama: of course motherfucker

Clinton: duh sovereignty dood

Tim: what if Al Qeada resurges and Iraq GOES TO HELL?????

Clinton: why don't you go to hell fatty?

Tim: will you re-invade if there is another civil war?

Clinton: sure sounds delightful pumpkinhaid

Obama: we're fucked in Afghanistan now - of course i will always reserve the right to invade anywhere monaco or Nantucket or wherever

Timmy: oh noes!!

Obama: fuck you timmy as commander in chief i won't be dicking around

Williams: Hillary mocked you dood

Hillary: celestial choirs!

Obama: sounds damm good to me

Hillary: ha ha ha ha

Williams: whut do u think Becky

Obama: look i get it - she has this whole thing where she says I'm all about speeches - well for 2 decades i've worked for people - sick people, wounded warriors, and unethical fucks in Congress - and i talked to working class white women and i said i'm not interested in talk or speeches and i'm interested in getting motherfucking shit done!

Clinton: hey giving bizarre speeches is my idea of fun - you know 15 years ago i failed at making universal health care plan happen so i know what i'm doing

Brian: naturally but what else?

Clinton: take on credit cards companies, dick cheney, and special interest and i am a fighter

Obama Clip: you can't run away from some things in teh White House but not others

Williams: you have to take the good and take the bad

Obama: and there you have it those are the Facts of Life

Williams: was she co-presnit?

Obama: Look fighting is not enough she ended up fighting Pat Moynihan - but look if you want a fighter hire a black man from the mean streets of chicago and not a fucking goldwater girl

Williams: damm - my negro gettin tough!

Obama: she takes cash from special interests she's part of the problem

Tim: there is nothing more important than adhering to my arbitrary standards - will you vote for John McCain??

Obama: look stupid my funding comes from small donors McCain's comes from 527s

Tim: but your word!!! Your pledge!

Obama: McCain is going to game this system

Russert: I am now going to talk for a half an hour about bullshit - your tax returns hillary

Clinton: sorry i fell asleep while you were talking

Russert: will you release 10,000 pages from teh Archives

Clinton: i don't run the National Archives dumbass

Russert: do you accept the support of the Scary Black Louis Farrakhan

Obama: no i don't

Russert: but will reject his vote?

Obama: well I can't-

Russert: but he said judaism was a gutter religion-

Obama: shut the fuck up shithead

Russert: but you think Farrakhan epitomizes greatness what about the Jews!!???!!?

Obama: one more such question and i will reach across the table punch that grin off your fat face

Hillary: there's a difference between denouncing and rejecting -- Obama is clearly an anti-semite

Obama: well since Hillary is going to lose this debate and the election i will be nice and give her the word reject - i reject Farrakan

Hillary: yay i win

William: well thank god we settled the all important Farrakhan Question now the people of Youngstown will get those jobs back

Williams: how can you possibly run as a black man with a more liberal record than Ted Kennedy???

Obama: ooooh i must be a Scary Liberal because I wanted an Independent Ethics Office within the U.S. Senate

Williams: but you're scary

Obama: Republicans like me because I'm gonna fight for americans

Williams: you're a Magic Negro

Russert: who will be the next President of Russia?

Hillary: he's a hand picked scary dood who's name i can't remember

Russert: what's his name

Clinton: Medvedvy something

Obama: yeah whatever Timmy

Russert: what if he invades Kosovo???

Obama: i will send the National Guard to occupy the set of Meet the Press

Russert: oh noes!

Obama: i'm not kidding you dumb fat mick

Russert: any regrets

Clinton: my iraq vote - but i was against the war - really!

Russert: so to be clear you would like a time machine

Clinton: yes

Tim: will you pledge to expend funds on a flux capacitor

Clinton: what a fucktard you are

Obama: look i like Hillary Clinton and we both have big egos but we have heard heart breaking stories and these people are just looking for a little help -- i am sure that when I am the White Knight Standard Bearer i will be great

Brian Williams: please say something nasty about Hillary

Obama: oh fuck off i am not going to answer that -- vote for me or don't - i've made my case

Clinton: seriously Brian I thought Tim Russert was bad but you are also a fucker -- look I am running to be the first woman and i do believe that i can make change happen better because i know where the bodies are buried and where the levers of power are and I will go to bat for the poor and middle class - it's time someone did dammit

Williams: I'm brian williams - big rush limbaugh fan - thanks and good night

Sunday, February 24, 2008

MEET THE PRESS with Ralph Nader - February 24, 2008 -

Meet The Press
February 24, 2008
Guest: Ralph Nader

Russert: will you run for President and help elect another Republican?

Nader: Look at Frank Luntz and Palestine anyone would conclude a lunatic like me should run for president

Russert: oh of course

Nader: the Pentagon spends a lot of money

Rusert: but they have invisible jets!

Nader: the nation is clamoring to repeal the Taft Hartley Act

Russert: oh definitely

Nader: i don't want to run but the people are demanding I run for example all the anti-slavery advocates

Russert: you elected George W. Bush

Nader: doesn't matter Jeb Bush would have stolen another 97,000 votes

Russert: is that the deal you had with him?

Nader: no the Mayor of Miami is responsible for Gore losing

Russert: you’re full of excuses

Nader: i'm amazed at the commie liberal intelligentsia who hate the voters

Russert: you’re a crackpot

Nader: get over it let's have multiple choice

Russert: you’re a spoiler

Nader: no they spoiled the system by suppressing me

Russert: Obama sez yur an egomanical nut

Nader: Obama is brilliant

Russert: so why not support him?

Nader: he has no sympathy for deaths of Palestinians and he should get involved in the Israeli intellectual peace movement

Russert: isn't that another country?

Nader: Congress has to solve the Israeli land issue

Russert: how will you feel about handing the election to the GOP?

Nader: it won't be so bad they are only criminals and evil and McCain is a vicious war monger

Russert: do you even see any differences between Dems and the GOP

Nader: Obama is a corporate lackey with no courage to get things done for the American people

Russert: do you have the courage to run for the Senate and get things done for the American people?

Nader: i have the courage to preen once every four years and talk about how wonderful I am

Russert: you’re old

Nader: David Letterman is very, very unfair

Russert: he's a fucking comedian dumbass

Nader: i will receive no money except from Republicans

Russert: will you waste money like Hillary?

Nader: no i will not buy any doughnuts

Russert: you have ruined your reputation by acting like a complete jackass

Nader: people die from hospital infections - only I can stop that

Russert: are you completely psychotic

Nader: it will be very easy for the Green party to turn over Congress and win the White House if we organize

Russert: dude you got lost on your way from the Green Room

[ break ]

Russert: Oooh it's a close one Obama barely leads in elected delegates

CTodd: she could win big three out of four states and still be screwed

Timmy: why?

CTodd: Texas chooses their delegates based on who can outrun longhorn steers in downtown Fort Worth and he's a very fast runner

Tim: well that is strange

Norris: it's worse than that - she has to run in high heels - the rules are really against her in Texas

Tim: wow that sounds bad

Russert: Hillary went ballistic this week what happened to the nice white lady?

Goodwin: she took the high road knowing she would lose but then Obama brought up that she supported NAFTA in 1996 and that is just very low politics

Russert: She says Obama is just like George W Bush because Bush promised change just like Barack does

Brooks: What the fuck does that even mean? i admire her but this ridiculous and anyway it's all slipping away from the campaign

Tim: why did they lose?

Brooks: because he's young and hungry like Mr. T in Rocky III

Norris: the Clinton campaign is accusing someone else of having no shame is really amazing

Obama: words matter look at the Declaration of Independence

Timmy: wow he stole line that from Thomas Jefferson

Obama: yeah but Jefferson stole it from John Locke

Clinton: that guy from “Lost” is running Obama's campaign and that's not real change

Goodwin: who among us hasn't committed plagiarism now and then

Tim: hell i though Deval Patrick and Obama were the same guy

Brooks: they're not? oh wow

Russert: Hillary steals lines too

Brooks: all they do is talk, talk, talk, - it ruins your brain

Russert: well that explains why i forgot how to use a spoon

CTodd: they just cannot believe they're losing to a state senator

Norris: they're trying to flush him out and make him the bad guy

Russert: will he take the Clinton bait?

Norris: no he’s too dignified

Timmy: Hillary took from Carter who took from Nixon who took from FDR who took it from some Hayes in 1876 who took it from Cicero who took from Og of the Wolf Clan who took from John McCain

Brooks: she should attack Obama on why he wasn't one of the Gang of 14 who have brought us wonderful bipartisanship

Goodwin: yeah that will work stupid

Russert: McCain is pure i love it

Norris: he was winning against the NY Times but then he fucked up by lying

Russert: but he can't lie

Norris: that was true until he became a presidential nominee

Ctodd: he is fucked because he has no money

Goodwin: so sad reporters knew Harding had an affair with Churchill but never said anything - they just sent Warren to the Orient

Russert: how did that go

Goodwin: it helped America

Brooks: who among us has not written letters in exchange to the FCC for $20,000 in cash?

Goodwin: McCain benefits from the Clenis now no one cares about sex

Timmy: McCain owns national security but Obama says he at least was against the whole concept of invading Iraq

Todd: he finally proved he could be a commander by giving that line

Russert: our young Jedi is learning

Todd: McCain really isn't good after 5:00 p.m.

Brooks: the election will depend on how terrified voters are

Goodwin: John McCain could be president how could you not be?

The Chris Matthews Show - February 24, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
February 24, 2008

Matthews: even Bill Clinton sez they have win Texas and Ohio -- was the debate her valedictory?

Rather: no i thought it was a home run

Borger: Bill is right but even if she wins both states she still in trouble

Tweety: Barack is crushing her

Fineman: i think she is planning an exit strategy

Tweety: so she is out

Fineman: no she is back in to win it

Tweety: what if she splits 'em?

Fineman: she's Norma Rae!

Noron: whitey voted for Obama in Cheeseland

Matthews: why?

Noron: he wins on iraq, poverty, commanding and economy

Rather: if she wins the rest of the states she could still win

Borger: um, yeah, sure, dude

Rather: no let me babble some more if a frog was in a frying pan you wouldn't need a duck in the freezer

Tweety: white men don't like her or him

Borger: Norah knows alot about this

Tweety: the Ficus vote?

Noron: she will do anything to win because it's not about her it's about the people

Borger: but they don't want a humiliation either

Fineman: they're still fighting - shocking, I know

Tweety: why don't all politicians use footnotes in all their speeches - Howard why am I talking about this?

Fineman: because you a total idiot who is slowly destroying America

Matthews: oh

McCain: i hate influence peddlers

Tweety: he is so honest but omg he might have had sex

Rather: it’s only a story if they have pics of the McPenis

Noron: he's dumped teh media for the crazies

Borger: let's hope he didn't lie - like he best had never have a met a lobbyist, like, ever

Fineman: doesn't matter the dude is hip deep in lobbying

Matthews: oh noes!!!!!!

Fineman: no believes McCain can really have sex

Noron: that's true its about sexethics

Borger: he's holier than thou

Rather: they NYT is in more trouble that a beaver in a sugar factory

Matthews: tell me something I don’t know

Noron: white men will decide this election

Tweety: doan diss me bubblehead

Rather: voting machines don't work this will help Clinton or Obama

Borger: Nancy Pelosi will bitch slap Hillary

Fineman: Knives are out at Camp Clinton

Tweety: dunkin donuts are so elitist!!!!

Matthews: Oscars predictions!

Noron: Juneau cause i love alaska

Matthews: yur done

Borger: the preggy teen

Rather: Blood!

Fineman: Scary Lawyer

Matthews: teh Lawyer wins!

Friday, February 22, 2008

Democratic Debate - February 21, 2008 - University of Texas

Democratic Debate
February 21, 2008
University of Texas
Sen. Hillary Clinton
Sen. Barack Obama
Campbell Brown
Jorge Ramos

Campbell: welcome hillary and barack!!

[wild applause !!!!]


and barack!!

[wild applause !!!!]

Campbell: Opening statements - go

Clinton: the first job i ever had was in Texas so i always been a fan of the Longhorns and i learned there that i am actually a republican cause i believe in hard work and personal responsibility

[ yay!!]

Clinton: Barbara Jordan was my black friend and Ann Richards was my wacky steel magnolia friend

[ yay!]

Clinton: i gave health care to kids and soldiers and i will amend the constitution to make insurance companies give insurance to everybody

[woo hoooooo]

Clinton: lets face it i'm losing so it's all up to you i offer a lifetime of experience and smiling sweetly

[ yay!!!]

Obama: i like hillary of course -- look we are at war and we have a shitty economy i've talked to people all across america who have been screwed by the Bush administration like students and soldiers and sick people gawd its awful

[ yay!]]

Obama: look we both have detailed proposals and ideas but in Washington DC good ideas are like monarch butterflies they migrate there every spring and go to die

[ yay!]

Obama: i will now quote Barbara Jordan who Hillary mentioned i love america and we have to make it as good as its promise

[ yay! ]

Ramos: will you meet with Fidel's little brother just once to look into his soul???

Clinton: sure as long as he pledges to support democracy and a makes good faith gesture

Ramos: like what

Clinton: a donation to Clinton library

Obama: Sure i would meet with him but he would have to open up the press to flattering pictures of me tossing a football with the Texas Longhorns

Ramos: what else

Obama: travel restrictions and the flow of cash

Brown: why do u hate America and love dictators

Obama: because i am not fearing any man anywhere anytime

[swigs Nyquil ]

Clinton: Obama would give away the golden prize of a meeting with the president and you don't offer such a juicy thing without a lot of preparatory work as JFK said

Brown: he did?

Clinton: i would send a seductive emissary to woo them

Brown: who?

Clinton: the Clenis of course

Obama: of course Bush sucks and Hillary's prep work is all very nice but she acts like meeting with her is the greatest thing ever - well it's not


King: i want to bring the room down now and talk about the economy

Obama: fairness and balance jesus we give trillions to the richest and megacorps is sickening

King: class warfare?

Obama: no we must have fair trade which is good for labor and people who eat chinese toys

King: i like lead on my cereal in the morning

Obama: biodiesel bitches!!!!

Clinton: yeah i agree with typhoid mary

[cough cough]

Clinton: bush sucks!!!

[ yay!]

Clinton: we need a time out for Bush and a special trade prosecutor to keep out the radioactive toothpaste

Brown: i like that stuff

Clinton: no more foreclosures allowed!!

[ yay!!!!]

Clinton: we should spend 5 billion dollars for clean green jobs you like that it rhymes

King: yeah!

Clinton: also we need to rebuild America and end the War on Science

Brown: thank you Senator-

Clinton: i'm still talking bitch

Montalban: raids on illegals?

Clinton: babies are left in the incubators to fend for themselves so sad

Ramos: so what's the answer

Clinton: crack down on employers and rebuild the economy in mexico and give illegals money for taxes and path to citizenship


Obama: we need to tone down the rhetoric - we are nation of laws and immigrants

[ yay!!!]

King: nice but what’s your plan Obama

Obama: crack down on employers but no discrimination - so ilegals go to the back of the line which means reform legal immigration and the econmy in mexico


King: Build a border fence?

Clinton: sure i voted for teh fence so of course I am against it - except when a fence is a good idea but i only voted for it because i trusted teh Bush administration to do the right thing

King: so was your vote right or wrong?

Clinton: i am in favor smart fencing

King: like in The Princess Bride?

Clinton: exactly we need to commit to find the six fingered man!!!

Obama: the fence is stupid i like border controls and trucks and cars but let's get real there are already 12 million illegal workers here so we might as well make them legal and provide them with jobs

[ yay!]

Obama: we need order to the process and that's only fair - also give illegal access to higher education

[ yay!!!!]

Montalban: is good to be a a bilingual nation??

Clinton: i don't speak any other freaking language but america's language - which is English dood

Ricardo: should we have an official language?

Clinton: hey in New York courts are in Hmong and you have to speak Urdu just to hail a cab

Obama: everyone should learn English but also Chinese so they can speak with their loanshark in the future

[ yay!!]

King: i live in a star trek parallel universe where Obama has a beard and Clinton wears a miniskirt - so please bash Obama

Clinton: bush needs to be less hat and more cattle

[ yay!!]

Clinton: look clearly my staff has said a lot of stupid shit lately and i fired them and came out tonight determined to seem nice

King: ok

Clinton: some dumb guy working for Obama said a dumb thing - and actions speak louder than words!

Obama: throughout my twenty fucking years of public service i enacted ethics reform and helped the poor and addressed criminal justice and walter reed scandals so it isn't all talk but also some motherfuckin’ action!!!

[ yay!!!!]

Obama: i have news for Senator Clinton -- the reason i've won 11 straight states and had tens of millions of votes and 1 million donations and endorsements across this state is not because we are a cult or my supporters are delusional but because they like what they hear from me and they wants some real motherfucking change!!!!!!


Brown: are you a plagiarist black man????

Obama: hilllary clinton thinks words don't matter so what difference does it make???

[ yay!!!]

Obama: this is the silly season and the Clinton tactics are why people get cynical about politics while i talk about college education and poverty and tax codes and national security

Brown: enough silver tongue

Obama: my speeches rock baby

Clinton: no this is an excellent point because his whole campaign is about "words" and he steals his words like a scary stealing black man

Obama: fuck off

Clinton: look at the mortgage crisis you disagree with me but even an expert on financial policy like George W Bush agrees with me!!

[ yay!!!!!]

Clinton: we must eliminate all insurance companies right after i require all Americans to go buy it from them!!

Obama: Hillary Clinton liked my plan 6 months ago when i wasn't kicking her white ass

[ laughter ]

Obama: look the skinny white lady and i have the same plan but i want to reduce costs and cover everyone for god's sake we both will have to work with Congress and others neither she nor and I can snap our fingers and just cover everyone or make the insurance companies good guys sheesh

Khan: is Obama not ready to be commander in chief?

Clinton: i never got a chance to respond to his response to my attack on him

Jorge: ok

Clinton: what if social security were voluntary we must make everyone buy health insurance and call it universal

Obama: dammit her mandate isn't on the government- its on people what if people can't afford it she will garnish their wages and they *still* won't have health insurance

Clinton: no he mandates on parents to take care of children which is exactly like making poor people who out and buy health insurance

Obama: i'm going to give people the money and i will give adults the free choice and work on people who are gaming the system and the idea that she cares more than me is ridiculous

Ramos: Obama sucks as Commander in Chief??

Clinton: when bill was President i represented America across the world and look at Pakistan and Kosovo and these are serious problems which can only be addressed by a former first lady and not some neophyte dude from the streets of Chicago - i mean think about it people!!!

Obama: damm right i'm ready and i have balls not ovaries so i kick motherfucking ass if i have to but also help the families of soliders

Ramos: but you lack experience and judgment

Obama: no her judgment sucks on Iraq - she was wrong so why should i defer to the Goldwater Girl over here????

King: admit the surge worked hillary rodham

Clinton: criminy the goal of the surge was to make political progress and that hasn't happened to here is my message to the Iraqis - time to step up and make decisions and wave bye bye to the american troops we are declaring victory and getting the fuck out of there

Obama: our american troops are wonderful especially the ones from Texas

[ yay!!!!!]

Obama: but only i can defeat John McCain because i was against from the war from the start -- we spend more in a week than we spend in a year in south America this is real fucking money and Huggy Bear wants to be there 100 years - or was it 3,000 years either way dood is fucking crazy

King: what else?

Obama: i created Google for Government there are all kinds of fun porn links there

King: will you match Saint McCain and refuse all earmarks

Clinton: ha ha you must be joking dood's a fucking hypocrite and worse he's a damm republican and McCain-Bush has supported no bid contracts and corruption and we need to re-elect Bill Clinton

Ramos: should superdelegates override the voters

Obama: gee i thought the primaries and caucuses counted for something

Ramos: well they don't

Obama: voters want to believe that government responds to them and a really shitty way of addressing that would be for party bosses to override the will of the voters

[ yay!!]

Brown: when were you really tested in life?

Obama: dad fled to Kenya when i was young and i was raised by a single white mom and then i tried cocaine and then i realized you know maybe Harvard law school would be better than life as a crack addict and in retrospect i think i made the right decision

[ applause ]

Clinton: the biggest crisis was when i found out the man i plan on bringing back to the white house was having sex with one of the damm interns in my own house thus possibly wrecking his presidency and my career

[ whoooooo!!!!]

Clinton: but then i met some troops who were missing limbs and i thought hey it's not so bad and i'm lucky to have married to the most gifted politician in modern history and dammit i will use to get myself to the white house

King: why are you being so nice tonite?

Clinton: i know i am going to lose this thing and need to preserve my reputation - plus Obama here is clearly going to be the next President

[ yay!!]

Brown: well that covers it - good night

Sunday, February 17, 2008

MEET THE PRESS with Schumer and Durbin - February 17, 2008

February 17, 2008
Sen. Richard Durbin for Barack Obama
Sen. Chuck Schumer for Hillary Clinton

Russert: Durbin can Obama win?

Durbin: we feel good!

Russert: does Hillary have to win in Texas and Ohio

Schumer: no but I declare Hillary can go from point A to point B

Russert: that was in Lincoln's Second Inaugural wasn't it?

Schumer: fuck you Timmy

Russert: Obama up in states won and votes and delegates

Schumer: so what? We will concede nothing dammit

Russert: Dick what about it - should superdelegates steal the election?

Durbin: duh of course not - this is a fucking election not a damm coronation and anyone who would try that would wreck the party

Russert: but Obama a looser

Durbin: no hillary barely won NJ and we killed in bloody kansas

Schumer: sure if you listen to the crazy nazi-lovers at you would support the elected delegate winner

Russert: i hate those liberals

Schumer: for the sake of party unity we must support hillary and not force anything down her throat

Russert: it sounds like you are willing to cheat

Schumer: it's not a moral issue - the real moral issue is to unite around Clinton and win the 2008 election

Russert: between superdelegates and Michigan it seems like Clinton wants to pull a fast one

Durbin: jeebus Obama wasn't even on the ballot in Michigan!

Schumer: oh let's not debate who signed what pledge we all cheat when it's good for us

Russert: seat Michigan or not?

Schumer: it's just like the superdelegates we will take every advantage we can get

Russert: oh ok

Schumer: Obama has to sit down and agree that we should change the rules to give Hillary Michigan and Florida's delegates

Russert: would you support new caucuses?

Schumer: no - because he does better in caucuses

Russert: you're so stubborn

Schumer: these fights will weaken us we should keep voting and then we should debate how to hand the win to Hillary

Durbin: the idea of accepting the results of an election where only one name is on the ballot is laughable

Russert: so sad

Durbin: backroom deals are not the answer

Russert: you live together who's the slob?

Durbin: he is

Schumer: i love you man


Russert: she says she's a workhorse

Novak: that's too boring

O'Beirne: it's frustrating she's a wonk and he's a smooth talkin’ man sweeping America off its feet

Carlson: she's the scolding parent telling america that the man they are in love with is bad

Russert: but parents now kids dig the bad boy and they will only run to him if you diss him

Shields: she can still win and he has no specifics

Russert: what should she do?

Shields: give people a reason to vote for her, not against him

Hunt: she has to win everything from now on but she can do it

Shields: she can be a comeback kid

Novak: i would love a divided convention but a brokered convention won't happen

Russert: but how do you prevent it

Novak: one of them must yield they can't be fighting in August

O'Beirne: Durbin made an argument based on fairness and Schumer just said supers should be allowed to trump for process reasons

Carlson: my boyfriend fred thompson said superdelegates are good because they save America from liberals

Shields: that's right we need “grown ups” choosing that why we have superdelegates

Russert: like that 21 year old gay kid

Shields: exactly

Hunt: i give John Lewis permission to vote for who he wants to

Russert: mighty white of you

Hunt: Pelosi says Michigan choosing would destroy the party

Russert: how big a lead does the black man need to have in elected delegates?

Hunt: at least ten

Shields: we should wait until Bill Clinton endorses someone

Russert: FL or MI?

Shields: if she wins Pennsylvania then Florida should be seated

Bill Clinton: we're running on a shoestring!

Novak: oh please

Carlson: she's better without him

Russert: but people love him in Texas

Shields: he's rusty as a politician he's used to adulation

Russert: like Jordan with the Wizards

Novak: people still fear the Cleins

Russrt: she assumed she would have it locked up by Feb. 5

O'Beirne: oops

Russert: Joe Klein says Obama is a better executive

Hunt: Clinton campaign is in disarray

Russert: how so?

Hunt: Axelrod ran circles around the Clinton people

Novak: Obama hates the global economy and wants to raise taxes

Carlson: we all know that

Hunt: she chose loyalty over competence

Shields: just like Chimpy

Russert: so true

Shields: McCain is with teh dems on global warming, taxes, cafes

Novak: you're an advocate not a honest journalist

Shields: don't you have some CIA agents to destroy douchebag?

Russert: you think the GOP are screwed

Novak: yeah but McCain is a war hero

O'Beirne: we are fucked but we might win against Hillary if we put up enough unflattering pictures of her

Russert: G HW Bush will endorse McCain

O'Beirne: jesus that's not helpful

Carlson: Hillary will save the GOP

Novak: huckabee has no useful purpose except when i suck the blood of his sons at night

Russert: why them?

Novak: i need to slake my thirst on the blood of virgins

Russert: McCain's VP?

Carlson: someone young and cheerful like Crist

Novak: he's not young

Carlson: he is compared to you and Al

Russert: Dems

Shields: obama will be the nominee

Carlson: Obama

Novak: Obama has the big MO

Hunt: Obama has the edge

Shields: the Democrats wanted to run against Reagan in 1980 you never know

This Week with George Stephanopoulos with John McCain - February 17, 2008

This Week with George Stephanopoulos
February 17, 2008
Guest: Sen. John McCain

Stephanopoulos: you and Lieberman want to end greenhouse gases

McCain: it's a mandatory free market approach

Stephanopoulos: oh

McCain: it will make profits because it will force GE to do the smart thing

Stephanopoulos: are you George Bush?

McCain: no Bush is a cowardly big spender and Obama is a pork barrel liberal taxer

Stephanopoulos: they want to cut taxes

McCain: maybe people want their taxes raised

Stephanopoulos: who should run health care

McCain: families should do it

Stephanopoulos: what the fuck does that mean

McCain: let grandpa do surgery he's retired

Stephanopoulos: everyone in the GOP hates you

McCain: that's true

Stephanopoulos: Limbaugh says he secretly supports you by bashing you

McCain: fuck him he's a fat bloated drug addict

Stephanopoulos: will you nominate another David Souter?

McCain: no i've been carrying water for George Bush

Stephanopoulos: vice presidency?

McCain: i won't take it

Stephanopoulos: no, i mean who would you choose?

McCain: oh i will do anything to placate the crazies

Stephanopoulos: everyone hates Republicans

McCain: who better to re-energize the party than a 75 year old invalid

Stephanopoulos: how did you come back from your failure?

McCain: i was in Baghdad in the 4th of July and decided i didn't want to surrender to muslims

Stephanopoulos: last question what's that thing on your face?

McCain: does the name Kuato mean anything to you?


The Chris Matthews Show - February 17, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
February 17, 2008


Chris Matthews: Hillary is a problem solver and Obama is dreamer!

David Gregory: he's got their hearts and she's got their heads

Matthews: he's got my balls

Freeland: but she's doesn't have executive experience

Brooks: he's running against politics and she's running to be the worrier-in-chief

Matthews: how can she win?

Brooks: remind people her husband slept with an intern

Liz Bumiller: the Commentariat sez he's a messyiah

Gregory: women like her but why surrender the vision and hope thing to Obama??

Matthews: good point

Gregory: he's a savior she's another maggie thatcher

Freeland: Latte Libel!

Matthews: college grads are evil snobs

Bumiller: women are inspired but she can't get caught up in gender politics

Matthews: is she change or not??

Brooks: no because it's Clinton's third term - but hey look she can still win

Gregory: her strength is experience even though she doesn't have any

McCain: trusting in the american people is a fucking platitude - now get off the white house lawn!!!!

Panel: he's toast

Gregory: no one wants McCain who is a just a crazy version of President Stupid

Brooks: Obama is the Most Liberal Senator Ever!!!!!!

Bumiller: He's an Orthodox Liberal

Matthews: wow i thought he was muslim

Panel: he will win but he must visit a factory -- i am david brooks friend to the working man

Matthews: ha ha ha ha irrelevant stupid jokes are they way we should elect presidents

ha ha ha ha ha

Matthews: wow what a great line pharmaceuticals i love it

Can Hillary win by saying something stupid?

Gregory: she did dumbass

Bumiller: she cried that's it

Matthews: so sad i'm rooting for although i hate her

Matthews: should POW John smear Obama?

Freeland: McCain is crazy it could backfire

Gregory: oh they will smear him so much it will make your head spin

Bumiller: liberal, taxer, surrender to terror, etc

Brooks: he didn't trade cattle futures so he is immune from criticism

Matthews: i love you Brooksie you are what I call "DC Stupid"

Monday, February 11, 2008

60 Minutes - February 10, 2008 - Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton

60 Minutes
February 10, 2008
Steve Kroft, Katie Couric
Sen. Barack Obama
Sen. Hillary Clinton

Kroft: Obama people love you so why are you an underdog?

Obama: because she is Hillary Clinton - she is an institution and the Establishment and hooked into the machine

Kroft: you have 700 staffers and 600,000 volunteers

Obama: yeah we rock

Kroft: you have a nice resume but it's not presidential now is it?

Obama: no i ran harvard law review and my Senate office?

Kroft: anything really big?

Obama: this campaign jackass

Kroft: you’re just too young

Obama: I'm Google and she is Microsoft

Kroft: you hate the Clintons

Obama: the Clintons are the DC status quo

Kroft: what is different about you?

Obama: she accepts the rules of the game in DC and i don't

Kroft: you inspire people but that’s all

Obama: i used to be boring and people bitched about that

Kroft: ok dish me Iraq specifics

Obama: it's still a fucking civil war and no way should we be there for a 100 fucking years

Kroft: oh c'mon Barack it's a damm paradise

Obama: well then let's leave

Kroft: but the violence!

Obama: make up you’re fucking mind dude

Kroft: you think she can't win because she is a polarizer

Obama: undoubtedly

Kroft: but you’re weak against the Rove machine

Obama: hey i've been up against the Clinton machine

Kroft: will you bring up whitewater and monica

Obama: no i assume you will

Kroft: have u been fucked up by all this

Obama: yes i have been losing REM sleep but i play basketball to relieve stress

Kroft: well u r black

Obama: hey even i am amazed at how far i've gotten

Kroft: yeah u and everyone else mr handsome

Couric: you told me you’re not a loser - -did u lie?

Clinton: no bitch

Couric: but tell me in you’re deepest darkest moments - you suck right

Clinton: no in my darkest moments i imagine bill fucking katie couric in the green room while i yak with matt lauer

Couric: hey that was one time

Clinton: i take vitamins, wash my hands alot and eat tons of hot peppers

Couric: jesus you’re turning into howard hughes

Clinton: I’m the wave of the future

Couric: face it - people love Obama and hate you

Clinton: well i love him too - who wouldn't - but this is serious we have big problems and people want shit done hell i had vince foster killed because he parked in my spot

Couric: do you hate Obama or love him

Clinton: i dreamed all my life of being alone with a young black man

Couric: you told him to keep his head down

Clinton: oh how i wish he had

Couric: you imply he has skeletons in his closet

Clinton: people already know all the evil shit i've done and that helps

Couric: people think that you are tough but bitchy

Clinton: hey i get shit done and piss people off

Couric: Obama says you’re a lobbyist and a DC insider

Clinton: i have ovaries and I’m a Clinton i hate Bush and all he stands for

Couric: but you supported the war

Clinton: no i didn't

Couric: oh you objected to invading in 2003?

Clinton: eh the point is i'm against it now

Couric: you're father was a son of a bitch

Clinton: no he was a motivator

Couric: like the Great Santini

Clinton: would daddy stil say you’re a looser

Couric: yes i must be a two termer

Couric: you’re high school nickname was Frigidaire

Clinton: I heard your was Easy Like Sunday Morning

Couric: what will you do if you lose

Clinton: i will be a senator from NY stupid

Couric: oh ok well thanks for coming ice queen

Clinton: takes one to know one frosty

Meet The Press - February 10, 2008


Meet The Press
February 10, 2008
Guest: Gov. Mike Huckabee


Russert: what happened this weekend Cornpone?

Huckabee: i won fatty

Russert: you're way, way behind in delegates

Huckabee: well i don't do math

Russert: you suck

Huckabee: we could go to a convention and then maybe i could lead a Christian revolt

Russert: why not just drop out Bible man?

Huckabee: my supporters are fired up

Russert: well you are the exciting one left in the race

Huckabee: yes i have a pulse

Russert: do you have shot at Virginia

Huckabee: who?

Russert: the state slowpoke

Huckabee: oh that

Romney: the democrats will surrender to muslims

Russert: you are weakening America Squirrel boy

Huckabee: oh fudge i'm allowed to run and will continue to run against Grandma McCain

Russert: you’re a spoiler

Huckabee: hey the Dems aren't done either

Russert: you say McCain alienates human voters

Huckabee: he's a fudging lunatic

Russert: please - your language

Huckabee: i'm trying to maintain a civil campaign

Russert: why hate McCain

Huckabee: election reform, zygote rights, taxes

Russert: Dobby says he wants to kill nascent human beings and has a potty mouth

Huckabee: yes he is weak on economics and the social fabric of this nation

Russert: oh is that all

Huckabee: our founding fathers broke away from Britain so they could outlaw abortion

Russert: Rush Limbaugh says you will destroy America

Huckabee: i love him and his little zingers - but it sounds like the Oxycotin has gone to his fat sex perverted haid

Russert: Rev. Ken Copeland says you called him and begged him to ask Jesus for money and then you will establish a theocracy

Huckabee: i love kenny and he's a big kidder and he has a lot of integrity

Russert: is that phone call true or false

Huckabee: stop hating on Kenny - did you know he was born missing 2 chromosomes

Russert: but you interfered with a congressional investigation

Huckabee: he's got a right to practice his religion to steal from the taxpayers

Russert: not if he broke the law

Huckabee: what about Moveon dot org???

Russert: that's not a religion dumbass

Russert: you flip flopped on tax pledges, Cuba, and smoking

Huckabee: no it's not about what people can't do - it's what they can't do

Russert: oh ok - cuba?

Huckabee: i wanted to export Condi Rice to Cuba

Russert: that makes sense

Huckabee: Grover Norquist has damaging pictures of me

Russert: what are they

Huckabee: my wedding photos

Russert: you flipped flopped

Huckabee: no, i matured

Russert: do you want to be vice president?

Huckabee: no i won't be asked - ha ha

Russert: would you say no?

Huckabee: no because no one would ask

Russert: so you would say yes!

Huckabee: this is an idiotic conversation

Russert: but you might be vice president!!!

Huckabee: who gives a shit???

Russert: you fried squirrel in your dorm room

Huckabee: sure

Russert: did u eat it

Huckabee: duh stupid

Russert: what does it taste like

Huckabee: like squirrel

Russert: well i happened to make some squirrel this morning

[ pulls out plate of orange fried squirrel legs ]

Russert: see i made them with buffalo sauce

[Huckabee takes one]

Huckabee: very tasty timmeh you may have something here

[ Russets put three in his mouth]

Russert: yummy

Huckabee: you should tell Hooters about this

Russert: [slurp]

thanks for coming weirdo

The Chris Matthews Show - February 10, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
February 10, 2008

Matthews: Obama wins! but now what??

Healy: there are lots of blacks in the tidewater it's gonna be a happy valentines for mr handsome

Kornbluth: hillary will lose the crabby and clammy states

Kay: she will win Ohio because they are very depressed

Matthews: me too

Kay: Obama is doing better with the latinos who don't know any black people

Tweety: why did Hillary win Pennsylvania?

Allen: it's not for 2 months yellow haid

Tweety: yeah but look into ur crystal balls

Tweety: white ward leaders hate blacks

Healy: She's the new Boss Tweed

Matthews: I'm Boss Tweety

Allen: Obama appeals to our higher Emotions

Tweety: Amen!

Kay: he draws crowds but then votes break away from the Black Messiah

Kornbluth: she's a machine

Tweety: she's the Borg

Kornbluth: Resistance is Futile

Hillary: i'm tougher than McCain

Barack: i'm more credible than McCain

Healy: he's raising a million dollars a day

Matthews: wow that's like Exxon's champagne and cigars budget

Kornbluth: mitt romney dropped out because he was scared of a black man and a girl

Allen: McCain wants to appeal to xians by killing muslims

Healy: McCain will hibernate now and reappear in the late spring

Tweety: running mates?

Allen: maybe - they like each other

Healy: no way hillary takes number two

Tweety: but how do you say no

Healy: no one shoves anything down Hillary's throat

Hillary: i can go toe to toe with david shuster or the republicans

Obama: i'm from chicago i will bring a gun and a knife to a debate that's the chicago way

McCain: i can win reagan democrats although they never existed and are mostly dead

Rush: McCain hates the GOP so fuck him

Coulter: I will campaign for Hillary over McCain

DeLay: fuck that Rodentine POW

Tweety: i am in love with him

Kay: Democrats are going to turn out in droves to get rid of the Era of President Stupid

Kornbluth: true conservatives despise Hillary and McCain appeals to independents

Healy: Rush really wants to Hillary as President

Allen: Huskter is a liberal too

Tweety: the wingnuts want to whine for four years that makes them happy

Kay: the kids today like Obama - not so much for Hillary

Kornbluth: McCain - Clinton friendship will hurt them both

Tweety: JFK and Nixon were orgy buddies but that didn't hurt them

Healy: Hillary won't drop out

Tweety: too bad

Tweety: 2 more debates who wins?

Kay: she says they help her

Matthews: gee what an insight

Allen: it doesn't mattter it's popularity vs organization

Healy: Obama because he needs the exposure

Tweety: it'll be a slugfest!

Friday, February 01, 2008

Democratic Debate - January 31, 2008

Democratic Debate
Los Angeles, California
January 31, 2008
Host: Leslie “Wolf” Blitzer
Senator Hillary Clinton
Senator Barack Obama

Obama: i'm black and proud – i like hillary but we can't look back - it's the past vs. the future and guess which one I am

Wolf: i know! i know!

Obama: we will always be friends when i am president if ever need an old person's advice i will call hillary

Clinton: after all the celebrating over the history of electing a black guy you'll find a heap of problems and this good-looking well-spoken kid next to me is not ready to handle them

Wolf: and you are?

Clinton: damm right i rode herd over Bill for eight years and that wasn't easy

Politico dood: what's the worst thing about Obama's policies

Clinton: well first we agree that the GOP sucks ass but i like health care and i take housing seriously and i also think that there are evil mustchaed men posing serious threats to us and i wouldn't grovel before them

Politco: you sound like a Republican

Clinton: no way there are no girls allowed at simi valley

Obama: Hillary and Romney think that the reason people don't have health care is that the government hasn't ordered them to go out and buy it - well i disagree

Wolf: but people love ERs - you ever see that tv show? there's lots of sex there

Obama: i don't like the interest rate freeze - that screws people not in arms now

Wolf: what happened with housing anyway?

Obama: lobbyists bought and paid for the US government

Wolf: oh

Obama: she brought up foreign policy so i will point out that she is unapologetic hawk and yes i do favor not bombing people but meeting with them - deal with it

Question: but why not force people to buy health insurance

Obama: hey under mandates people will also go without health insurance and as i said the real issue is people who can't afford it’s not people who are dodging it

Clinton: i tried to get people health in rural Arkansas and that wasn't easy

Leslie: so true

Clinton: i learned my lesson from 1993 we will offer choice but also we will make it affordable by handing out subsidies called tax credits

Leslie: neat-o

Clinton: and then there are the lazy uninsured fuckers

Clinton: you must start with universal health care or else be nibbled to death by ducks

Leslie: Obama what about the lazy fuckers???

Obama: she says she has enough subsidies well she doesn't and we have to lower premiums or else all this is moot

Leslie: thats a funny word

Obama: Ted Kennedy has 45 years experience and he endorsed me

Leslie: yeah but only because she dissed his brother

Hillary: thats a lie

Obama: look on C-SPAN

Wolf: is that a swipe at Hillary

Obama: oh sure dumbass

Clinton: remember when bill was president - i did a lot of the good things that you recall

Obama: da bulls

Clinton: i will demand insurance companies cover pre-existing conditions

Wolf: including wolf-man syndrome?

Hillary: oh yes its under Section 1002.75(b) "Lycanthropy"

Clinton: i will take on this insurance companies and win

Wolf: this time

Clinton: uh yeah

Politico Guy: you are tax 'n spenders

Obama: from the borrow-and-spend GOP that's rich

[ yay! ]

Obama: the Strait Talk Express got derailed and Sen Rodent hugged the big spender

[ applause ]

Obama: i will close tax loopholes and give tax cuts to poor people that's balance

[ hillary writing: f u c k e r ]

Clinton: i would modernize hospitals like our doctors still where that shiny round thing on their heads - what is that anyway???

Wolf: beats me

Clinton: and that rubber mallet and those wooden sticks

Wolf: Ahhhh

Clinton: electronic medical records would save money and improve health care

Obama: improving doctors handwriting would save 10,000 lives per year

Clinton: i worked with Newt Gingrich and Bill Frist

Obama: Frist!!

Clinton: speaking of taxes we will go to the Clinton tax rates which rocked

Host: please pit Latino vs. Black

Obama: what they have in common is getting fucked by The Man

Host: no no where's the hate???

Obama: you’re scapegoating the hate was back in Simi Valley

Rodney King: damm right

Clinton: people have been losing their really cushy jobs at meat processing plants

Wolf: sounds sweet

Obama: teh Jungle dood

Clinton: we have to tighten our precious broders and crack down on employers

Wolf: deport millions?

Clinton: that’s the gop alternate universe crazy man

Wolf: aww too bad

Clinton: make the 12 million pay taxes learn english and get in line

[ muted applause ]

Clinton: but no drivers licenses!!

Obama: i worked with Ted Kennedy and John McCain

Wolf: Borat is she inhumane?

Obama: dood people don't come here to drive - they come to work

Clinton: puh-leez i represent Lady Liberty

Wolf: i love that basketball team

Clinton: i've been fighting on this and i take this personally because my ancestors were illegal immigrants

Wolf: wetbacks?

Clinton: Mayflower dood

Wolf: Hillary if you care so much why not let the brown people have drivers licenses

Hillary: well that would be dangerous because mexicans are bad drivers

Obama: whatever - the point is you held my position too

Clinton: you flip flopped too- but not on teevee

Obama: that's how cool i am darlin’

McManus: Hillary says she has more experience and a lot of americans agree

Obama: well not everyone agrees idiot

McManus: whoa don't stab me negro

Obama: when hillary was playing guard dog for Bill i was a state legislator and organizer and i got shit done or i wouldn't have been elected to the damm senate

Clinton: let me go back to my first year out of law school

Wolf: oh boy

Clinton: i helped prisoners, disabled kids, hicks in Arkansas and turned Wal Mart into global juggarnaut

Leslie: awesome

Clinton: i fucked up health care when i was co president but i pressured Macedonia and China on female rights

[ yay!! ]

Host: america is a business and why should you be CEO?

Clinton: bush as a ceo presnit and look what we got - america is not a business

Obama: Romeny is a sucky money man he blew $200 million on a losing campaign

[audience laughs ]

McManus: Kennedy hates you

Hillary: no rose and ethel and kathleen support me

Doyle: only the gurls

Hillary: JFK was another happy horndog like my husband and this about the women out there who want to use this election to exact just a tiny little bit of payback to all the men who fucked them over in their lives

[audience: yay!! ]

Clinton: no one else wil be on the ballot

Gravel: Hey!
Wolf: but the Clinton years was good!

Obama: dood Bill was presnit not Hillary and we need to reach higher and higher

Wolf: amen!

Obama: Bush sucks and we need to ask who can inspire the American people me who Hillary Rodham Rove over there

Clinton: grrrrrr

Obama: only i can attract new and young voters

Clinton: I haz ovaryz

Question: r u part of a Bush-Clinton dynasty

Hillary: hey i hate bush but we created 20 million new jobs and Bill cleaned up after Bush I it makes sense for another Clinton to clean up after Bush II: The Nightmare Years

[audience: yay ]

James Bond: i'd hit it

Doyle McM: Obama wants to pull out of Iraq and you don’t

Hillary: i want to bring our men and equipment out but we have an obligation to Blackwater and our drivers and translators who will be killed if we leave

Wolf: so sad it used to be such a nice war

Hillary: i know it's not a good answer but at least neither of us is George W Bush

Wolf: I can tell you are making sense

Obama: China is threatening, Pakistan's got the bomb, Afghanistan is disentigrating...

Wolfie: u r scaring me

Obama: i care about iraqi civilians but what about 4 million reufgees

Wolf: teh fugees!

Obama: but no mission creep

Wolf: but the iranians-

Obama: -already have a puppet regime thanks to Stupid

Wolf: but but

Obama: only i can make the Iraq argument because i want to end the hillary mindset that is pro-war

Wolf: Hillary that was a swipe at you

Hillary: no shit Sherlock
Clinton: i want underscore several points at once so i can be hawkish and dovish all at the same time

Wolf: my haid is spinning

Clinton: bush wants to stay 100 years -- he's crazy and must be stopped

Politico: why not vote for UN inspectors then

Clinton: i gave Bush authority to attack Iraq to support continued inspections

audience: oh

Clinton: i wanted to limit the authority of the UN and Stupid

Wolf: but McCain says you want to surrender

Clinton: see that's why you can't vote for Obama - he has no gravitas

Wolf: Hillary what is 'gravitas' ?

Clinton: it means you want to kill brown people

Wolf: you want us to fail black man?

Obama: death rates are back to 2005 levels well whoop-dee-fucking-doo

Leslie: please your language

Obama: sorry if mass death offends you

[Leslie strokes beard]

Obama: gravitas is being serious about war and not rushing into getting involved in a land war in Asia

Wolf: Hillary was your vote for war a mistake

Clinton: no i did due dilligence and Saddam has a scary mustache and i hoped it would work

Obama: hope monger!

Clinton: no one could have anticipated that Bush would use force against Iraq if he was given an authorization to use force

Wolf: is Obama right

Clinton: no i am strong and willing to bomb anyone anywhere and that's a winning argument

Wolf: being wrong on Iraq makes you right

Clinton: welcome to Washington D.C. Leslie

Leslie: so i hear you saying that you were naive to trust George W Bush??

[ BOOO ]

Clinton: oh nice try Wolfie

Leslie: was she naive Obama

Obama: oh no way dood

Clinton: Saddam was a bad guy after bad things and he was very jealous of all the attention that Osama was getting

Obama: jeebus an authoization to use force means the dood is going to use force -- it's important to be *right* on Day One

Wolf: when we come back -- we attack Democrats character!!

McManus: is there too much sex and violence from Hollywood?

Obama: my daughters showed my all the racy stuff on tv - but we need to give the parents the tools they need

Doyle: like the off switch?

Obama: hollywood needs to zip it with these crazy slasher flicks and other offensive shows

Doyle: like what

Obama: American Idol

Q: can you control bill and will he be being having a lot of sex with interns in the white house

Hillary: ha ha ha ha

Q: no really

Hillary: i'm thrilled to have the endorsement of Bill and Chelsea and Monica - but in the end i alone will make the decision to invade iran

Wolf: You are the Dream Ticket will you run together?

[ Josh Lyman from the West Wing: yay]

Obama: way premature but i want really excellent strong people and not pansy yes-men like Bush has had

[ hillary nods ]

Clinton: what he said

[ha ha]

Clinton: i'm not considering it because i am going to win this thing baby

Wolf: you sound confident

Clinton: watch the Hallmark Channel i'm having a tupperware party monday night

[Obama pulls out Hillary's chair ]

Wolf: that sounds like fun - and good night