Meet The Press
July 27, 2008
Host: Tom Brokaw
Guest: Senator Barack Obama
Brokaw: dood u r insanely cool
Obama: heh heh heh
Brokaw: u met with troops and whirrled leaders, isrealis and arabs, and kings and throngs of teutonic peeps
Obama: boy r my arms tired!
Brokaw: what did you learn?
Obama: how incredibly awesome i am
Obama: i learned i was right about Iraq and Afghanistan and that we need to kick ass in Pakistan
Obama: Maliki is ready to finally leave the nest and move out of his parents house
Brokaw: you shot some hoops and also did some kung fu on DC journalists
Obama: people seemed to like seeing Richard Cohen getting kicked in the balls
Brokaw: McCain says you would choose failure
Obama: yeah i heard that
Brokaw: since you were right about the facts let me argue hypothetically you could have been wrong -- wouldn't you agree
Obama: that's fiction Tom
Brokaw: bear with me if Tim Russert were here he would say this too
Obama: but that's also hypothetical
Brokaw: perhaps i've said too much...
Obama: look McCain's whole foreign policy is "kill kill kill"
Brokaw: it has the merit of simplicity
Obama: speaking of hypotheticals if McCain wasn't a senile warmonger people might vote for him
Brokaw: most people believe that American troops create peace everywhere they go to kill people
Obama: that isn't true Tom Brokaw
Brokaw: but USA Toady says you were wrong about the Surge
Obama: oh we all were frumpy
Brokaw: poles say you are riskier
Obama: duh I'm young and black what did your poll say about who is better for change or hope or reform
Brokaw: [meekly] you
Obama: and who did the polls say people would vote for
[puts feet up on desk ]
Brokaw: how is it possible you've never been to Afghanistan - my mother's been to Afghanistan!
Obama: I was right about Afghanistan all along man
Brokaw: well sure - but did you get Angela Merkel to commit 1 million troops cause if you didn't u r totally teh suck
Obama: i wanted to speak in Berlin to remind them that one hit song in the 80's isn't going to cut it
Brokaw: but that was so cool remember when Tom Cruise kissed Kelly McGillis
Obama: i thought that was Val Kilmer
Brokaw: could be
Obama: the war in Iraq is so unpopular that EU nations refuse to help us to the good shit like killing terrorists or ridding the world of teen pop bands
Brokaw: will you protect our American oil fields in Saudi Arabia
Obama: that might be the most imperialistic question i've ever heard on a tv show
Brokaw: that's not what my piss-boy said
Brokaw: we've spent $10 billion in Pakistan and we've got shit
Obama: right we've got to do more and build schools
Brokaw: they're doing they're best
Obama: oh bullshit they protect popular anti-american terrorists and then take our money - it's a great scam
Brokaw: wow sounds like FOX News' business plan
Brokaw: but everyone is Pakistan supports terrorists
Obama: jesus christ Tom you just made my previous point do you not realize that?
Obama: we should go after the terrorists there
Brokaw: but that could be a conflagration
Obama: 'cause Iraq is such a peachy place
Brokaw: why haven't you solved peace in the middle east yet?
Obama: i touched them with my magic finger so i am working on the problem
Brokaw: i noticed the chair you are sitting on has turned to gold during this interview
Obama: it's a bit of problem
Brokaw: i can see
Brokaw: you never met a palestinian dead child or ate a falafel
Obama: hey i went to the holocaust museum and met all 23 people running for prime minister
Brokaw: were you just trying to get jewish votes
Obama: no not all i also was trying to get wacko christian votes
Brokaw: David Brooks and Krauthammer didn't like your speech in Berlin
Obama: what did the loonies in Bedlam say
Brokaw: but he told us all about foreign policy of the 1990s
[bursts out laughing ]
Brokaw: but David Brooks said-
Obama: [LAUGHING ]
stop it Tom, you're killing me
Brokaw: what is the Obama Doctrine?
Obama: Look i gave them tough rhetoric and it's not my fault Brooks is an illiterate navel gazing Villager
Brokaw: ok let's gossip about vice president and the DC conventional wisdom
Obama: i will choose someone who has integrity and independence and shares my vision of making me President
Brokaw: the rule in 1959 was choose a candidate to carry Texas
Obama: no since 1992 it's choose a good person to govern with
Brokaw: choose a southern white male jesus lover - how about Hootie and the Blowfish
Brokaw: what about Hillary Clinton
Obama: yeah yeah she's the best leader of the anti-Obama faction out there
Brokaw: The Clenis!?!
Obama: the Clenis is awesome no one can touch the Clenis
Brokaw: America will be consumed by synchronized swimming next month so when will you announce?
Obama: i will announce i am running with Muhammad Ali during the closing ceremonies
Brokaw: ooh good choice
Brokaw: why should cadillac driving black people get bailed out by hard working white people
Obama: tell it to John McCain and his rich white buddies
Brokaw: they told me to ask the question!
Obama: they are the problem!
Brokaw: i don't get it
Obama: [slaps forehead]
Obama: some buyers weren't speculating they were sold crazy loans
Brokaw: i didn't know that
Obama: plus we have to prop up the housing market
Brokaw: China is stealing our oil but on the upside traffic deaths are down
Obama: but American families are suffering and McCain opposes efficiency
Brokaw: there's no easy answer to ending traffic deaths
Obama: take away Bob Novak's drivers license
Brokaw: why do some black people see racism just because 70% of people in prison are black
Obama: gee i dunno Tom what did your busboy say
Brokaw: he doesn't speak english very well
Obama: well neither do you so you should get along well
Obama: the real problem is the legacy of past racism why are the worst neighborhoods always populated with black people
Brokaw: i thought they just liked living near liquor stores and basketball courts
Obama: no that's WASPs
Brokaw: Jesse Jackson!
Brokaw: will you appear three times a week with John McCain?
Obama: well i draw crowds of 100,000 and he draws 30 so on average we draw about 100,000 each
Obama: you get what i'm saying - I'm Bill Gates in the bar
Brokaw: still not following
Obama: ok - fuck John McCain and his pathetic begging for attention - I'm going to win this election so easy whole new states will have to be invented to they can vote against him too
Brokaw: thank very much for coming
Obama: [ FIST BUMP DUDE! ]