Dick Cheney on Larry King

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Larry King Interviews Vice President Dick Cheney
Larry King Live, CNN
July 31, 2007
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King: do u ever ask yurself dood do i suck

Cheney: no way dood i'm just like George Washington and Abe Lincoln although i haven't matched them with americans killed

King: but 200,000 iraqis killed

Cheney: yeah that's cool

King: so no doubts ever

Cheney: no not ever

King: war was still a good idea

Cheney: absolutely it totally rocks

King: so 3,000 american soldiers dead - that all good

Cheney: well you know of course we got our hair mussed

King: it's pretty rough

Cheney: hey every casualty pains me

King: yeah i can tell

Cheney: i sleep all right

King: Brent Scrowcroft sez you're a maniac

Cheney: fuck him

King: why duz everyone hate you

Cheney: who gives a shit i only represent 18% of Americans the others can kiss my shiny white ass

King: you said the insurgency was in it's last throes why were you so wrong?

Cheney: i said to myself hey Saddam is dead our work here is done who knew there was more to nation-building

King: so you completely suck

Cheney: well hey the Iraqis wrote a fake Constitution and killings are up to that's good

King: everyone in America despises you

Cheney: aw fuck i'm not running for anything see how self-sacrificing i am - Bush and I will leave with out heads held high

King: and your hands in cuffs

Cheney: go fuck yourself

King: sorry just trying to inject a little levity

Cheney: well don't

King: will we leave in June of 2009

Cheney: that's the plan

King: oooh a deadline will we accomplish anything

Cheney: well i hope so

King: does it bother you that iraqi parliament the taking one month off

Cheney: better than taking two months off

King: heh good one Dick no one told me you're funny

Cheney: hey they Iraqi parliament has done a lot they cut taxes, banned stem cell research and outlawed spotted owls

King: Gen. Petraeus is teh new American Dictator when did that happen

Cheney: i blessed him oil at Camp David last year

King: thats how it works huh

Cheney: yeah he's a gentleman and a scholar

King: are you in a branch of government or do you orbit of teh earth like Adonis in that Star Trek episode

Cheney: no i'm like that Colossos of Rhodes i've got a foot in both camps i rule the Senate and Bush gave me an office in teh West Wing

King: dood with all due respect that's fucking crazy

Cheney: bow down before me Larry

[ Larry gets down ]

King: Mondale says you're a power-mad secretive whacko

Cheney: nonsense dood - Walter doesn't know shit he's still mad because i killed his dog

King: ooh harsh

Cheney: plus he was part of one the least effective administrations ever

King: that's pretty rich coming from the VP of the Bush administration

Cheney: Afghanistan! Terror attacks! (not including not 9/11)

King: why do you people hate you so much

Cheney: oh who cares look Chris Matthews had an orgasm at Ford's funeral maybe he'll do that when I die

King: we can only hope

Cheney: Grrrrrrrrr

King: Alberto is obviously a liar what's up with that

Cheney: yes but i love that sort of thing

King: you tried to have John Ashcroft killed

Cheney: who can remember

King: is that the kind of thing you would forget?

Cheney: i might have done that - i sure liked the whole illegal spying program

King: shouldn't Gonzalez be fired

Cheney: Hey he's Bush's friend not mine

King: Scooter Libby was your top aide and he's a criminal

Cheney: Scooter who?

King: how is he doing since the commutation?

Cheney: it's big fucking relief - what do you think?

King: so he's good

Cheney: god no his wife is all over him, his kids won't leave him alone, and Sallie Mae is all over his ass

King: should Rove testify

Cheney: no way it's a witch hunt they haven't proven that he's a criminal - really we're thinking of Hillary Clinton's best interests

King: come on

Cheney: hey look we offered no transcript, and no one watching, and no telling the truth

King: gee what an offer

King: selling weapons to Saudis doesn't seem to make much sense

Cheney: look we just have to arm all the Retrograde Emirs and Familial Inbred Wackos and Wahabbi Psychos and PetroNutJobs and there will peace in the Middle East

[ Saddam from offstage ]: and people said i was the crazy one

King: jesus Osama bin Laden is living it up in Pakistan could you guys fuck up any more???

Cheney: hey you know Musharraf is doing his best he says nice things about Bush that's all that really matters

King: are we gonna nuke Iran

Cheney: why what have you heard?

King: you tell me

Cheney: if i were going you attack Iran i wouldn't tell you it will be a surprise like the fact that you've been married 8 times or that you still have a job

King: Gitmo yes or no

Cheney: hey dood it's either that or we let them go and provide them with Cadillacs

King: do we torture

Cheney: we do things that are exactly like torture without calling it that but it's really cool

King: like what

Cheney: well if i told you then they could prepare for like develop really strong fingernails or something

King: does Hillary Clinton hate America

Cheney: yes she does

King: wow

Cheney: hey look she wants to give away troops movements to the enemy she's crazy

King: what did they do to your heart

Cheney: well i saw the Wizard and he said dood yur chest is hollow

King: so then what

Cheney: they put a six year old in my chest he keeps my heart-a-pumpin'

King: wow where did they get him

Cheney: i dunno china or bangladesh or something - who gives a shit the point is he's better off

King: so what's next for you

Cheney: i plan a relaxing time of raping and pillaging and vampirism

King: will your take over another administration

Cheney: i wouldn't rule it out

King: depending on what

Cheney: my instructions from the Lord of the Underworld he calls all the shots

King: well good luck undermining humanity and thanks for coming