Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Dick Cheney on Larry King

Larry King Interviews Vice President Dick Cheney
Larry King Live, CNN
July 31, 2007

King: do u ever ask yurself dood do i suck

Cheney: no way dood i'm just like George Washington and Abe Lincoln although i haven't matched them with americans killed

King: but 200,000 iraqis killed

Cheney: yeah that's cool

King: so no doubts ever

Cheney: no not ever

King: war was still a good idea

Cheney: absolutely it totally rocks

King: so 3,000 american soldiers dead - that all good

Cheney: well you know of course we got our hair mussed

King: it's pretty rough

Cheney: hey every casualty pains me

King: yeah i can tell

Cheney: i sleep all right

King: Brent Scrowcroft sez you're a maniac

Cheney: fuck him

King: why duz everyone hate you

Cheney: who gives a shit i only represent 18% of Americans the others can kiss my shiny white ass

King: you said the insurgency was in it's last throes why were you so wrong?

Cheney: i said to myself hey Saddam is dead our work here is done who knew there was more to nation-building

King: so you completely suck

Cheney: well hey the Iraqis wrote a fake Constitution and killings are up to that's good

King: everyone in America despises you

Cheney: aw fuck i'm not running for anything see how self-sacrificing i am - Bush and I will leave with out heads held high

King: and your hands in cuffs

Cheney: go fuck yourself

King: sorry just trying to inject a little levity

Cheney: well don't

King: will we leave in June of 2009

Cheney: that's the plan

King: oooh a deadline will we accomplish anything

Cheney: well i hope so

King: does it bother you that iraqi parliament the taking one month off

Cheney: better than taking two months off

King: heh good one Dick no one told me you're funny

Cheney: hey they Iraqi parliament has done a lot they cut taxes, banned stem cell research and outlawed spotted owls

King: Gen. Petraeus is teh new American Dictator when did that happen

Cheney: i blessed him oil at Camp David last year

King: thats how it works huh

Cheney: yeah he's a gentleman and a scholar

King: are you in a branch of government or do you orbit of teh earth like Adonis in that Star Trek episode

Cheney: no i'm like that Colossos of Rhodes i've got a foot in both camps i rule the Senate and Bush gave me an office in teh West Wing

King: dood with all due respect that's fucking crazy

Cheney: bow down before me Larry

[ Larry gets down ]

King: Mondale says you're a power-mad secretive whacko

Cheney: nonsense dood - Walter doesn't know shit he's still mad because i killed his dog

King: ooh harsh

Cheney: plus he was part of one the least effective administrations ever

King: that's pretty rich coming from the VP of the Bush administration

Cheney: Afghanistan! Terror attacks! (not including not 9/11)

King: why do you people hate you so much

Cheney: oh who cares look Chris Matthews had an orgasm at Ford's funeral maybe he'll do that when I die

King: we can only hope

Cheney: Grrrrrrrrr

King: Alberto is obviously a liar what's up with that

Cheney: yes but i love that sort of thing

King: you tried to have John Ashcroft killed

Cheney: who can remember

King: is that the kind of thing you would forget?

Cheney: i might have done that - i sure liked the whole illegal spying program

King: shouldn't Gonzalez be fired

Cheney: Hey he's Bush's friend not mine

King: Scooter Libby was your top aide and he's a criminal

Cheney: Scooter who?

King: how is he doing since the commutation?

Cheney: it's big fucking relief - what do you think?

King: so he's good

Cheney: god no his wife is all over him, his kids won't leave him alone, and Sallie Mae is all over his ass

King: should Rove testify

Cheney: no way it's a witch hunt they haven't proven that he's a criminal - really we're thinking of Hillary Clinton's best interests

King: come on

Cheney: hey look we offered no transcript, and no one watching, and no telling the truth

King: gee what an offer

King: selling weapons to Saudis doesn't seem to make much sense

Cheney: look we just have to arm all the Retrograde Emirs and Familial Inbred Wackos and Wahabbi Psychos and PetroNutJobs and there will peace in the Middle East

[ Saddam from offstage ]: and people said i was the crazy one

King: jesus Osama bin Laden is living it up in Pakistan could you guys fuck up any more???

Cheney: hey you know Musharraf is doing his best he says nice things about Bush that's all that really matters

King: are we gonna nuke Iran

Cheney: why what have you heard?

King: you tell me

Cheney: if i were going you attack Iran i wouldn't tell you it will be a surprise like the fact that you've been married 8 times or that you still have a job

King: Gitmo yes or no

Cheney: hey dood it's either that or we let them go and provide them with Cadillacs

King: do we torture

Cheney: we do things that are exactly like torture without calling it that but it's really cool

King: like what

Cheney: well if i told you then they could prepare for like develop really strong fingernails or something

King: does Hillary Clinton hate America

Cheney: yes she does

King: wow

Cheney: hey look she wants to give away troops movements to the enemy she's crazy

King: what did they do to your heart

Cheney: well i saw the Wizard and he said dood yur chest is hollow

King: so then what

Cheney: they put a six year old in my chest he keeps my heart-a-pumpin'

King: wow where did they get him

Cheney: i dunno china or bangladesh or something - who gives a shit the point is he's better off

King: so what's next for you

Cheney: i plan a relaxing time of raping and pillaging and vampirism

King: will your take over another administration

Cheney: i wouldn't rule it out

King: depending on what

Cheney: my instructions from the Lord of the Underworld he calls all the shots

King: well good luck undermining humanity and thanks for coming


Nick said...

I was hoping that the surgeon would open up Cheney to fix the pacemaker and say "I see your problem, the setting is on 'evil.' I'll fix you up" (the evil device obviously installed secretly by Kang and Kodos in their latest plot to undermine Earth and make us ripe for invasion) and then the surgeon would flip the evil switch off and say "he should be all better now."
Cheney would wake up a changed man and renounce evil. He would swear off feasting on the blood of the innocent and give his blood fridge to the Red Cross. He would announce his plans to withdraw troops from Iraq by March. And he would donate his millions in ill-gotten gains from Halliburton to the Children's Miracle Network.

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