The Republican Debate
August 4, 2007
Moderator: George Stephanopoulos
Stephanopoulos: Mitt are you really a real whack job conservative or are you just faking it like a lot of conservative wives do?
Mitt Romney: I don’t know what you’re talking about and I’m a true conservative
Sam Brownback: go up on YouTube dood you hate fetuses
Romeny: dammit i'm tired of people who are holier than thou -- i changed my fucking mind you fucking dipshit so i killed thousands of fetuses when i lived in Massachusetts when you live there you're practically obliged to hate babies and freedom and god
Brownback: you’re anti-zygote admit it, you bigamist-loving Son of Seth
Romeny: look who's talking, you fundy-loving bible-quoting meathead
Stephanopoulos: Rudy are you a liberal gay-loving aborting cross-dressing weirdo
Rudy: look i hate gays as much as any one else who dresses like a woman for a hobby -- and i would never have an abortion -- but who's gonna decide, the woman or Brownback over there i wouldn't trust that dood to kill my pet ferret
Thompson: you have to be pro-life to get the nomination but hey, look, every one us is unelectable for one reason or another so let's talk about that
Stephanopoulos: yeah but maybe Rudy would be more electable because of his anti-baby stance
McCain: abortion is directly related to national security
Stephanopoulos: how so, crazy-man?
McCain: how can we lecture the Congo on freedom while women in America have the right to control their own bodies?
Stephanopoulos: anything else?
McCain: yes terror is hydra-headed we will never be safe but unlike Romney i need no on the job training
Paul: just march out of there, we're losing the war, it was illegal, we didn't declare war, and we should just get the hell out of there
Paul: it's in our fucking national interest plus Bush is a mental defective
Hunter: i stood up to the Soviet Union when the liberals wanted to give in - i'm sick and tired of the surrender monkeys on the other side -- i love war!
Hunter: all the Dems hate the troops i thank them for all the blood they spilled we're winning in al-anbar - the right way to leave is to never leave!!!
Stephanopoulos: what's the middle ground?
Huckabee: we win the war!!
Stephanopoulos: oh, ok then
Huckabee: we should declare war on Saudi Arabia and also not talk about energy independence let's actually do it
Stephanopoulos: gee what a great idea
Brownback: the political situation is deterioriating just like the Mustache of Understanding says we must split the country up after all it belongs to us!!
McCain: fuck all you naysayers! Dammit we are winning! we must win! therefore we are winning! Genocide! We must succeed! Drink the Kool Aid! Moral is Good! Eastasia is losing! Soccer match! Arrrr!!
[ nutty applause ]
Giuliani: no democrat said the word “islamic terrorism"
Stephanopoulos: that's two words
Rudy: i hate weakness and appeasement -- we're winning!!!
Stephanopoulos: what are you talking about
Rudy: the New York Times says we're about to win - look we have to kill islamic terrorists everywhere
Romney: we have to win!
Stephanopoulos: is that really all you have?
Romney: Obama wants to bomb Pakistan and drink tea with our enemies!!
Stephanopoulos: anything else?
Romney: we should pray really hard
Tancredo: Bush is too soft - we have to take the gloves off! We're losing because the liberals have us fighting with one hand tied behind our back!!
Stephanopoulos: liberals like Bush?
Tancredo: Yes! He won't even torture Al Maliki!!
Stephanopoulos: what’s the sound of one hand clapping louder?
Tommy: i luv our fine fighting young men and women but i just realized that this war is very expensive and hey there are bridges falling down so i say fuck the iraqis
Stephanopoulos: but the Iraqi parliament are all heroes
Tommy: did you know there are states in Iraq? They should have Governors like we do here
Ron Paul: this war is stupidest thing ever, it's all based on lies, there is no reason to launch a massive war against a bunch a thuggish terrorists it's so dumb
Romney: have you forgotten about 9/11???
Paul: fuck you, you mormon asshole i served 5 years in the military you dickless twit
McCain: ok, ok, look we fucked up for 4 years and of course i was the top critic but this is a historic moment we have to remake the middle east or we will never be safe -- give us time!!!
Mod: please choose a side: Grassley or Chimpy McStupid?
Huckster: can i choose America?
Mod: oh right, i forgot, you're a Republican
Huck: hey i just realized you can't send everyone to the emergency room
The Who's Tommy: hey dood i was Secretary of Health but our system is broken we should do wellness and prevention and shit like that
Moderator: you sound like a liberal
Tommy: we can all cover all uninsured just by using One Magic Form!
Tancredo: it is not the responsibility of the federal government to provide health care for people who don't live in Iraq
Moderator: Bold stance
Tancredo: illegal aliens!!
Romney: hey 40 million people uninsured is a bad i just figured that out!!
Rommney: a tax exemption like Rudy wants doesn't work - we should use the free market and punish the free riders
Rudy: Medicaid is teh free market and anyone who gets insurance becomes a ward of the state!! It's all National Socialism! Michael Moore is Fat!! Fidel Castro is bad!!!!!
Hunter: i can haz freedom?
Hunter: You can buy guns online, why not an appendectomy?
Brownback: Free market! Socialism! Better health care if people bid for the lowest cost heart transplant!
[ Obama on tape: “we will bomb Pakistan if we have to!”]
Rudy: Obama is right - We must Crush Osama Bin Laden! Of course we should meekly seek Musharraf’s permission
Romney: Obama said he wants to meet with Castro in his first year and threaten a beautiful Democracy like Pakistan
Romney: they are our little friends we have to be very very quiet about our plans to kill the bad guys
Stephanopoulos: you sound like Neville Chamberlain
Hunter: Obama has no clue you must never threaten violence against anyone, ever - that's the Republican way
[ George W. Bush on tape: "i can hate tyranny?" ]
Huckabee: Bush is a big poopyhead - we should be a good example, not a violent exporter of our way of life -- hell you think anyone in the world wants to live like people do Arkansas? Even people in Texas think we're hicks
Paul: how about bringing some fucking Democracy here?
Rudy: Democracy is not elections, it's a strong man enforcing the law and cracking skulls and shoving plungers inside squegee men who get out of line
Stephanopoulos: wow that's some kind of freedom
Rudy: Right, first you have to have the police shooting people 41 times if they look at the government's troops the wrong way
Stephanopoulos: was there a lot of street crime in Iraq under Saddam?
Rudy: no that's why I'm such a big fan
Neville McCain: we should never attack Pakistan -- my goodness just because Osama is there, what if something bad happens???
Neville Romney: we need to sing kumbaya and reach out with love and flowers and good feelings
Stephanopoulos: what about Bush?
Romney: never heard of him
Hippie Romney: we should send flowers and health care and candy and speak softly and give islam hugs and kisses
[ highly confused applause ]
Stephanopoulos: Tancredo, you are completely insane aren't you
Tancredo: We must Nuke Mecca!!!
Thompson: ok, that's fucking crazy. We should strengthen the military and enforce Christianity all over the world!!!
Neville Brownback: Ronald Reagan brought down the wall all by himself -- look we are at fucking war look you can't push Musharraf if we do the radicals will take over and then they'll have nukes!!
Stephanopoulos: bridges falling down
Huckabee: hey we've got slow lines in airline travel and pipes blowing up so yeah it's bad
Stephanopoulos: GOP is all about tax cuts do we need more money for bridge by raising taxes?
Rudy: no, no, no, no!! You see in 1980 the GOP discovered a mountain of magic beans that allows us to run on cutting taxes and raising revenue!!!
Stephanopoulos: but that's because the economy was booming under Bill Clinton
Rudy: never heard of him
Romney: the solution to bridges falling down is to lower taxes!
Stephanopoulos: is that why the Big Dig is falling apart?
McCain: Pork barrel veto!
Video Q: How much power should Darth Cheney have?
McCain: i'm doomed to be VP aren't I ??????
Stephanopoulos: it's ok dood
Thompson: Dick Cheny is one of the finest most wonderful human beings ever
Rudy: We Are At War! We've Been Attacked! Crush! Kill! Destroy!
Stephanopoulos: who's a bad vice president?
Rudy: Harry Truman
Romney: don't be hating on my boy Bush -- he kept us safe from terrorism!
Stephanopoulos: you mean except for the 3,000 dead on 9/11?
Romney: the who's of the what's?
Brownback: Bush knew shit about foreign policy when he came into office and look how that turned out
Paul: Cheney is a Neocon and i don't wanna drink the Kool Aid!
Hunter: i was in Vietnam
Huckabee: i favor the insane Fair Tax policy - no more illegals, pimps, gamblers, prostitutes, hookers,
Stephanopoulos: you're going to put the Republican Party out of business
Romney: this is a really stupid idea 23% sales tax -- jesus and moroni -- i'm the sane one here
Rudy: We should have no taxes at all
Stephanopoulos: anything else
Rudy: George Bush is a bad president because he endorsed the crazy estate tax idea
McCain: Alan Greenspan in 2008!
Tancredo: read the book doods
Rudy: i did
Tancredo: so you should know
Rudy: it sucked there's nothing about fascism in it
Brownblack: raise income taxes on the poor - that will create growth!
Q: what's yur worst mistake
Hunter: not jailing democrats
Huckabee: i was fat
Romney: killing blastocysts
Rudy: how much time do you have it’s a long list
Steph: name one
Rudy: probably marrying Bernie Kerik but honestly I didn’t know he was my cousin
McCain: my ship was on fire and i volunteered to live in a VC prison camp - also that whole savings and loan thing
Brownback: getting married -- those fucking kids are driving me crazy
Tancredo: it took me 30 years to realize that Jesus Christ wants me to deport all Mexicans
Stephanopoulos: wrap up!
Tancredo: we have to prove that America is great to the rest of the world by bombing Holy Shrines around the World
Tommy: I will bring in the best minds to crush the jihad!
Brownback: I willl appoint justices to overturn Rove v Wait
McCain: dammit elect me i served you fuckers for 50 years we need kill islamists and force them to surrender
[ weak applause]
Rudy: the Dems want Defeatism! The Dems have no Experience! I was Mayor!
Romney [robotic voice]: Military. Reagan. Teddy Roosevelt. Economy. Foreign Oil. Families.
Stephanopoulos: dood you were built in a laboratory weren't you?
Huckabee: i would pick a random citizen every week and rotate out and let them be President for that week
Stephanopoulos: couldn't do worse than Bush
Paul: Bush is a secretive nutjob how about that idea - i'm the only non-fascist on this stage!!
Hunter: We Must Ride to Victory by Manufacturing Arsenal of Democracy!!
Stephanopoulos: dood you are stuck in 1940's aren't you?
Hunter: the whole country is isn't it - i mean isn't what this whole race comes down to? A fantasy about returning to another era where women were in the kitchen, dad was in charge, kids shut up, and American ruled the world?
Stephanopoulos: how true - let that be the final word