Host: Jake Tapper
Amb. Susan Rice (U.N. Mission)
Tapper: Susan what the hell
happened in Libya?
Rice: it was a spontaneous protest in
response to another less spontaneous
protest in Cairo
Rice: a perfectly nice riot by a peaceful
mob at our Libya consulate was ruined
by a few violent extremists with
Tapper: why was security at the
embassy so lax
Rice: hey two Navy Seals were killed
Tapper: but don’t we always Marines
posted to the shores of Tripoli?
Rice: they were busy guarding the
Halls of Montezuma and the
Corridors of Power
Tapper: of course
Rice: look nobody claimed Libya is
Arizona or Colorado or Chicago
Tapper: well it’s not as violent
Rice: that’s true
Tapper: three years after we elect a guy
named Hussein our embassies are being
attacked all over the Muslim world
Rice: hey that was a really offensive movie
Tapper: The Expendables 2?
Rice: look we are making real progress
in stopping the violence
Tapper: the government of Egypt sent
the protestors a fruit basket!
Rice: yeah but it mostly those
bland Washington apples
Tapper: nevertheless it seems inappropriate
Rice: we are very popular in Libya
except for our Ambassador being killed
Tapper: the U.S. has sent billions in taxpayer
money to Egypt and this is how
they thank us?
Rice: President Obama called the President
of Egypt and told him to get with the
program or be cut off from the money
Tapper: it’s just like the movie ‘Arthur’
Rice: Obama has provided calm and
steady leadership unlike that other jackass
Tapper: oh snap
Rice: the Grand Mufti loves us!
Tapper: how can we get these foreign
leaders in line?
Rice: we can do two things:
kick ass and take names
Tapper: thanks for coming ambassador
[ break ]
Tapper: what on earth is going on
in the middle east?
Amanpour: the Egyptian Muslim Brotherhood
is panicked about losing the friendship
of the United States
Tapper: what about Libya?
Amanpour: hey don’t forget Libya just
finished a civil war where the U.S.
toppled the old regime - there’s bound
to be some resentment and a lot of guns
Tapper: will these protest spread to the
Homeland or our Boardwalk Empire
Ross: it’s never too early to panic Jake
Raddatz: if you are trapped in an embassy
your best bet is to let the protestors
climb the walls and hang out for a while
and tweet how nice those young people
climbing in the window are
Tapper: what is the story with this
crazy YouTube video?
Ross: the filmmaker tries to create a
violent reaction and it worked
Amanpour: the filmmaker is not only an
extremist - he’s a dastardly evil guy
who pretended to be Jewish to
incite more violence
Tapper: that is twisted
Raddatz: the actors were told they were
making an infomercial for Oxy-Clean
Tapper: sweet jesus is nothing sacred
Amanpour: I need to point out that
Libyans love Americans and the
Muslim Brotherhood say they like
Tapper: well I’ll be damned
Tapper: why is the entire American Navy
trolling the middle east
Raddatz: you know just cruisin’
Tapper: what’s up with the relationship
with U.S. and Israel
Raddatz: they met on eHarmony but it
may not be working out too well
Amanpour: Israel was hoping to goad
Obama into attacking Iran and he told
Bibi to cool it
Tapper: how close are Iranians to
building a nuclear bomb?
Ross: four weeks
Amanpour: or a year or two
Ross: yes maybe a few years
Tapper: jesus you almost gave me a
heart attack Brian
Ross: how else am I going to get to
host this show?
Tapper: oh Brian you scamp