Sunday, March 18, 2012

Meet The Press - March 18, 2012

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)
Paul Rieckhoff - Iraq and Afghanistan
Veterans of America
Helene Cooper
Jon Krakauer
Wes Moore
George Clooney
John Prendergast
Gregory: holy crap probable nominee
Mitt Romney finished third in the last
two primaries

Gregory: what the hell is wrong
with Mitt Romney?

McCain: he’s working on his
programming and also SuperPACs
have hurt him

Gregory: how sad

McCain: Gingrich is funded by a
casino mogul from Macau!

Gregory: too bad

McCain: John Roberts is a moron

Gregory: should Newt drop out?

McCain: yes but it’s not fair he is allowed
to get his message out with secret
money from Sheldon Adelson

Gregory: will there be a brokered

McCain: politics is so mean and
Obama will be reelected and
it all gives me a giant sad

Gregory: even Mitt Romney says
the economy is improving

McCain: I suddenly realized
the debt is bad

Gregory: right

McCain: Obama thinks government
create jobs well guess what it doesn’t

Gregory: I see

McCain: Romney knows how to lose jobs!

Gregory: should women have to tell
their employers about their sex lives?

McCain: no one wants to hear
about that lady part stuff

Gregory: are women a problem
for the GOP?

McCain: Jobs and the economy!

Gregory: this soldier who allegedly
massacred Afghans was on his fourth tour

McCain: we are succeeding in Afghanistan!
We are making dramatic gains!

Gregory: we are?

McCain: yes we are winning -
but Obama wants to withdraw just
as we’re finally making progress

Gregory: I see

McCain: how about a commitment
to victory!?

Gregory: hmm

McCain: we must stay to win!

Gregory: Obama surged forces and
Americans still hate this war

McCain: Obama only put in 30,000
troops instead of 40,000 which means
every bad thing that ever happens is his fault

Gregory: makes sense

McCain: We should start a war in Syria! and Iran!

Gregory: Senator you sound slightly insane

McCain: we destroyed the Taliban!

Gregory: we did?

McCain: the Afghan people
just love American troops

Gregory: they do?

McCain: If we leave Afghanistan we will
have another September 11!

Gregory: you’re on a roll

McCain: we must tell the bad guys
we are never leaving!

Gregory: should we stay in Afghanistan
forever and ever?

McCain: yes all we have to do is
pacify Afghanistan and leave troops
forever like we did in South Korea!

Gregory: should we attack Syria?

McCain: yes because Iran is bad

Gregory: um what?

McCain: people are being killed and
we could win without doing anything!

Gregory: you have been on
Meet the Press more times than I have

McCain: ha ha

Gregory: how have you changed
over the years?

McCain: I have become more and more
willing to bomb anyone in
any place at any time

Gregory: is there anywhere you don’t
want to start a war?

McCain: Canada

Gregory: ok

McCain: no wait - them too

Gregory: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Gregory: that soldier who shot Afghan
civilians proves that fighting too many
wars with too soldiers is a bad idea

Rieckhoff: let’s be clear - this behavior
is not a normal result of stress in combat

Krakauer: you think our troops are
stressed out? How do you think Afghans
feel when their children are killed?

Cooper: Obama’s surge came 8 years
into the war - it’s too late now to win
hearts and minds

Woodward: If you talk to people in the
Army they say the Army is awesome

Gregory: that’s true

Woodward: the Army is optimistic that
Afghanistan may yet become as
wonderful as Iraq

Krakauer: that’s ridiculous

Woodward: let’s be realistic - Afghanistan
can be wonderful place like Baghdad

Moore: we have to make Karzai and
the Taliban talk to each other but they
hate each other even more than they hate us

Gregory: 100,000 troops have done
at least three tours of duty

Rieckhoff: the suicide rate for active
duty soldiers is higher than deaths
from combat!

Gregory: Saint John McCain says we
should stay forever

Cooper: he’s an idiot

Gregory: but I love him

Cooper: this nation has not been
at war - only a few soldiers

Woodward: war is ugly and there is
no easy way out and we are stuck

Gregory: we can’t turn our backs
on Central Asia

Krakauer: the USA must make peace
between India and Pakistan

Gregory: oh great

Krakauer: our troops can’t take much more

Rieckhoff: this is no way to fight a
war or run a nation

Moore: we can leave with our heads held high

Woodward: Afghanistan is a gamble
on Hamid Karzai

Rieckhoff: and he calls American
troops demons!

Gregory: the whole country is war-weary
- should we bomb Iran and invade Syria?

Cooper: perhaps not

Gregory: Mitt Romney finished third
in the southern primaries!

Woodward: the SuperPACs are poison
- can the media report responsibly
on the election?

Audience: [ spit take ]

Krak: Obama is lucky these candidates
are wackos

[ break ]

Gregory: OMG TMZ has footage of
George Clooney being arrested!

Aud: wow

Gregory: I hear you vacationed in
South Sudan - it like Martha’s Vineyard

Clooney: no the Nubian people are
suffering from rockets and bombs

Gregory: that doesn’t sound like much fun

Clooney: it’s starvation and ethnic cleansing

Gregory: what happens next

Prendergast: the largest war on earth

Clooney: China gets 6% of their
oil from Sudan

Gregory: they do?

Clooney: we’re not making a
humanitarian argument - we are
appealing to your greed for cheap oil

Gregory: has ‘Kony 2012’ changed everything?

Prendergast: yes because the kids love
activism you can do sitting in front
of a computer watching a movie

Gregory: Bono helped cure AIDS -
why can’t you save Sudan like he did?

Clooney: because this is a war Fluffy

Gregory: why not run for President
and fix the world’s problems?

Clooney: I want to make a real
difference - not be President

Gregory: Obama is looking
good now - is that bad?

Clooney: no but you can’t get cocky

Gregory: do you think Obama
has done a good job

Clooney: I could sell his Presidency
as amazingly successful but Democrats
just love to nitpick and criticize

Gregory: Matt Damon is disappointed

Clooney: he’s one of the picky ones

Gregory: you’re not sad

Clooney: no I’m proud of Obama

Gregory: what’s next for George Clooney

Clooney: “Meet The Press - The Musical!”

Gregory: would there be a part for John McCain?

Clooney: of course

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press

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