Sunday, March 11, 2012

Meet The Press - March 11, 2012

Rick Santorum
Gov. Martin O’Malley (D-MD)
Gov. Bob McDonnell (R-VA)
Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN)
Rev. Al Sharpton
E.J. Dionne
Peggy Noonan
Gregory: good morning - Mitt Romney
won in Wyoming and Guam with a
big win for Rick Santorum in Kansas
but he lost the Virgin Islands

Audience: how did that happen

Gregory: good morning Rick -
why is Newt Gingrich still running?

Santorum: because he’s an egomaniac

Gregory: would you like him to get out

Santorum: yes but you can’t push
Newt around

Gregory: isn’t this race over?

Santorum: I’m up 30 points in Texas!

Gregory: sweet

Santorum: I’m going to take most of
the delegates in Iowa

Gregory: didn’t we do that months ago?

Santorum: yes but it takes Iowans six
weeks to figure out who won

Gregory: I see

Gregory: Mitt Romney is winning
all the battlegrounds

Santorum: not Gettysburg

Gregory: fair enough

Santorum: the delegates are unbound!

Gregory: sounds kinky

Santorum: we’re crawling our way back

Gregory: so just tell Gingrich to get out!

Santorum: you put it well

Gregory: Obama’s economic growth
has breadth and brawn!

Santorum: Obama has failed to build the
keystone pipeline which will bring
down gas prices in 2065!

Gregory: ok

Santorum: we must drill offshore
and in national parks

Gregory: so how do you win this election?

Santorum: gas prices are high!

Gregory: I see

Santorum: I will repeal every
regulation in America!

Gregory: awesome

Santorum: growth has been very
good under this President

Gregory: uh-huh

Santorum: but Obamacare is bad!

Gregory: American has never
had a coherent energy policy

Santorum: those radical environmentalists
don’t care about the environment -
they just worship rocks!

Gregory: Frothy aren’t you a big
government earmarking spender?

Santorum: no Fluffy I hate spending -
I just keep voting for it

Gregory: you voted for the prescription drug giveaway

Santorum: yes but that funneled money
to the private sector so it’s okay

Gregory: ok

Santorum: Romney is for requiring man dates!

Gregory: good lord

Santorum: Mitt Romney lied on Meet The Press

Gregory: I’m shocked

Santorum: the biggest issue in 2012
will be Obamacare and Mitt Romney supported it!

Gregory: go on Rick

Santorum: First the climate changed
and then Mitt Romney changed!

Gregory: ha

Santorum: I’m Rick Santorum and I never change!

Gregory: did your wife tell you to stop
attacking John F. Kennedy

Santorum: my wife is a nurse and a lawyer
and when I said going to college makes you
a big snob she told me “Rick I love you but
for the love of god shut the fuck up”

Gregory: did she tell you not to run for President?

Santorum: no actually she encouraged
me to get out of the house for a year or so

Gregory: that makes sense

Santorum: I have a small child with medical
needs and I had to prevent kids like her
from being murdered by government-provided
health care

Gregory: thanks for coming Rickster

[ break ]

Gregory: apparently a US soldier shot
civilians in Afghanistan

McDonnell: yeah it’s too bad but I love the military

O’Malley: we need a calm President who
will get us the hell out of Afghanistan

Gregory: 700,000 jobs have been created
in the last year

O’Malley: 24 months of job growth isn’t
too shabby Fluffy

McDonnell: Obama caused the
recession in 2007

Gregory: I see

McDonnell: also the debt is very high -
remember how we defeated Ronald Reagan
and George W. Bush over the debt?

Gregory: No I don’t

O’Malley: guess what - banning contraception
isn’t going to create jobs

McDonnell: the Republican party created
all the new jobs under Obama!

Gregory: unemployment is going down

McDonnell: Mitt Romney ran the Olympics!

Gregory: you backed a law to require
women to have a trans-vaginal ultrasound

McDonnell: why don’t you talk about
all the laws I passed that didn’t require
an invasive bodily procedure?

Gregory: ummm

McDonnell: the Democrats are obsessed
with passing abortion bills

Gregory: the Democrats forced you to
enact a law with unprecedented intrusion
into the human body?

McDonnell: yes because they love
to raise taxes!

O’Malley: rolling back unions, voting rights
and reproductive rights are not going
to create jobs Bob

Gregory: you like to be Vice President?

McDonnell: jobs spending and taxes!

Gregory: ok Bob

[ break ]

Gregory: Can Romney win among humans
and can Santorum win among sane people?

Noonan: Romney is going to win because
we have seen in iPad era that people fall
in love with their machines

Blackburn: conservatives want someone
who will listen to their whining

Sharpton: their real question as this primary
goes is how many more people
can these guys alienate?

Dionne: Romney is weak among Christians
and tea partiers but his real problem is that
he looks like an out of touch rich guy

Gregory: speaking of Rush Limbaugh -
whatever happened to civility?

Sharpton: we need to be mature in our
political discourse

Blackburn: the American people are so
ticked off by incivility they are going directly
to the Internet for their news and expect
politicians to respect their total misinformation

Gregory: Obama seems to bring out hatred
- I wonder why?

Noonan: the rise of the radio and the Internet
seems to give rise to a war on women -
why won’t Obama speak out?

Dionne: Limbaugh is evil - but normal
people can get along

Blackburn: it’s like when you fight with
your weird relatives at Thanksgiving
but you still get along

Sharpton: I came together with Newt Gingrich
on education - Newt Food Stamps Gingrich!

Noonan: I’m going to go out on a limb
and say using terms like slut and whore
is unacceptable

Gregory: what else do I need to know?

Sharpton: why take away the vote from
millions of people over voter fraud which
is totally fake?

Gregory: Marsha?

Blackburn: the primary will be won
on Jobs and Terror

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press

1 comment:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Santorum: Mitt Romney lied on Meet The Press

Gregory: I’m shocked

I chortled.