President Barack Obama Press Conference
April 29, 2009
Obama: Folks let’s face it I’ve done more in 100 days than Bush did in eight shitty years and now you throw a motherfuckin’ pandemic at me - I cannot fucking believe this shit!!
All right now I’ll take some goddam questions
McLoven: Should we quarantine all sneezing Americans?
Obama: well I will decide that using science and careful deliberation and did I mention science - also i will not be relying on the arabian horse association - unless of course there is an equine flu
McLoven: of course
Obama: should a meteor hit the earth, i will, as your Black President, take care of it
Obama: in addition, i want to mention that i saw all this coming back when i was a 22 year old US Senator
Obama: i will be coordinating with all the governors in the event it becomes necessary for me to round up all gun owners - i mean flu victims
Obama: now look America i am going to talk to you like a stern teacher but let's face it you need it - so if you’re sick stay the fuck home!
Q: is the American auto industry completely fucked?
Obama: i am very hopeful that Chrysler can survive by going bankupt and being bought out by a second-rate italian company
Obama: with GM - who the fuck knows - i have enough to do without redesigning the motherfuckin Aztek
Audience: love the aztek
Tapper: did bush break about 100 different laws by torturing people?
Obama: of course it's torture everyone knows that
Tapper: but it works and 9/11 changed everything
Obama: hey Churchill didn't torture when London was getting the crap bombed out of it every fucking night!
Tapper: aw he was just a weenie brit
Obama: but we have to hold true to our values even when it's really tough - like when a few guys hijack four planes
Tapper: so are you going to arrest Bush?
Knoller: but Dick Cheney says it saved lives and you like saving lives don't you????
Obama: but that misses the point which could we have saved those lives by just doing our fucking jobs and we would be safer by not having dick cheney around - and yes i will keep this country safe fuckers!!
Knoller: but torture is good
Obama: Look torture is banned by the Geneva Conventions, the UN Charter, the Nuremberg Tribunal, the Versailles Treaty, the Agreement of Ghent, the Congress of Vienna, the Peace of Westphalia, the Diet of Worms, the Judgment of Paris and the Handshake of Hackensack!
Q: Is torture ever justified?
Obama: maybe to find out something really vital - like what the hell is going on on "Lost"
Helen Thomas: shhhh - no spoilers plz I'm only on season two
Tapper: at your age Helen I wouldn't wait
C-Todd: should we invade Pakistan?
Obama: the government can't deliver health care, the rule of law, decent schools, or basic justice
C-Todd: i didn't ask about Alaska
C-Todd: anyway there are armed militant extremists and want to respect their sovereignty but make sure they're not an armed militant state
C-Todd: are we talking about Texas?
Q: how is Iraq -- still bad?
Obama: spectacular bombings only show the great success we have had
Q: of course
Obama: we have to get the sunnis, shia, kurds, and the sons of Iraq together
Reid: is Specter going to help you establish the Dictatorship you've always dreamed of?
Obama: he's nice old man who got bullied by a bunch of wackos but no i don't trust the old fool
Reid: what's wrong with the GOP?
Obama: i want whoever is left in the GOP to realize that i meant it when i said I will give you some of what you want - but you can't fucking define bipartisanship as getting all you want - especially since you fucking lost!!!
Reid: are they totally fucked
Ed Henry: since you are the Messiah could you tell me when life begins
Obama: life begins at 40
Obama: just fucking with you eddie
Obama: i'm pro choice because i don't think a strange old white man thousands of miles away knows better than a woman what to do with her body
[ Pope Ratzi, at home in Vatican ]
[ throws red leather prada slipper at tv ]
Q: what enchants you?
Obama: i like pina coladas, getting caught in the rain, and kicking GOP ass
Q: what surprises you?
Obama: even i with all of my foresight did not see just how fucked up George Bush left this county
Q: and what troubles you?
Obama: i'm troubled by the number of Congressmen who frankly belong in a mental institution
Q: how many is it?
Obama: at least 15
Q: R U Enchanted?
Obama: i am enchanted by the cool young dood and dudettes in the armed forces who are just awesome
Obama: humbled by the fact that no matter what i do Fred Hiatt remains a total dick
Obama: i also humble myself because no one could be as awesome as I am
also the people and all that shit
Q: immigration and John McCain
Obama: i am working with John on a piece of legislation right now, The Old Man Yells at Immigrants and Belt-Onion Act of 2009
Q: ah si si
Obama: look we all know what needs to be done we got stop with the fucking raids and crack down on employers
Black Guy: black male unemploymment in NYC is 50 percent!! and that doesn't include the Knicks!!
Black guy: yeah i know!
Obama: well same as it ever was dood
Q: yeah i know
Obama: i'm doing what i can you know that
Scherer: states secret doctrine?
Obama: i had 7 fucking days to respond to that and i did what i had to do which is shut it down while i regrouped
Obama: look i want to rewrite the doctrine but you know the federal government has are all kinds of super secrets
Scherer: like what?
Obama: the eleven herbs and spices in KFC
Scherer: oh my
Q: you own several large auto companies can i get a pontiac in lime green?
Obama: look i never asked them to come to me with an umbilical cords - i don't wanna be their momma!
Q: so you're hands off?
Obama: look i'm not an auto engineer - although i have told them to make the damm cupholders bigger
Obama: i told them if you want taxpayer money then show me a plan where you can actually sell a goshdarned car - forgive my language
Obama: look all i ever wanted to do was solve a pandemic flu, the Iraq war, the Afghanistan war, terrorism, world peace and the worst economic crisis in 70 years and then kick back in the next three years - but that's not what fucking happened - good night fuckers!!!