Meet the Press - April 19, 2009

Guest: Larry Summers

Gregory: so Larry are we lifting the Cuba embargo or what?

Summers: of course we are but first Obama has to let people get used to the idea which is inevitable

Gregory: but Castro is a commie!

Summers: yeah well so are China and Hanoi and Cambridge Massachusetts and we trade with them

Gregory: Obama shook hands with Chavez - is that appropriate since he is dark and swarthy?

Summers: look Obama is popular and other world leaders beg to be seen with him -- did you that dipshit Berlusconi camera hogging with Barack?

Gregory: Wall street vs. Main Steet!

Summers: look the important thing is that we give trillions in free money to three banks so they can start lending to the peons in the rest of America

Gregory: i agree

Summers: Obama is going to shatter Too Big to Fail and create many Too Little to Fails

Gregory: well look dood we've given away billions so where are the results??

Summers: blah blah blah positive indicators blah blah engine blah blah long way to go blah blah

Gregory: Noted ray of sunshine Paul Krugman says we're headed to a depression, fascism and a world war

Summers: he's right

Gregory: oh dear

Summers: we call a Depression an "adverse outcome"

Gregory: that's better

Summers: look Paul wants us to spend twice as much - well I invite him to get off the cover of Newsweek and get the Congress to approve it

Gregory: ok

Summers: Greggers we're using terms like "proactive" and "going forward" - what else can we do?

Gregory: sounds like you've covered all the bases

Gregory: we're down to out last $100 billion but I hear the banks need that much just for caviar!

Summers: ah well in that case they should seek new lenders or maybe cut back on fancy lunches

Gregory: well then banks don't want the free money if you're going to get crazy

Summers: oh no no no - they need to take our money or they might starve

Gregory: Obama has raised the deficit!!

Summers: Pheh

Gregory: Obama isn't really saving money because Bush was going to pull out of Iraq!!

Summers: sure he was - but he was going to invade Argentina in 2011

Gregory: really?

Summers: yes it's in Bush's memior: "My Years in the White House and my Plan to Invade Argentina"

Gregory: interesting

Gregory: Obama wants a universal health care plan that will cost a trillion dollars - where will all that money come from?

Summers: dood health isn't free now!

Gregory: sure it is

Summers: dear god i heard you were a moron

Gregory: Doc Summers the Teabaggers say even though you cut taxes someday you will have to raise taxes which will be bad

Summers: i'm not scared of the teabagging dick armey

Gregory: but you're raising taxes

Summers: no we're cutting taxes

Gregory: but a lot of Americans will see their taxes go up!!

Summers: no only people who make $250,000 a year

Gregory: but that's everyone I know!

Gregory: will Obama pledge never to raise taxes ever ever

Summers: shut the fuck up dancin' dave

Gregory: you used to be a debt hawk

Summers: well that was before

Gregory: oh i see

Summers: we need Americans to be leaner

Gregory: are you serious?

Summers: yup

Gregory: you want to free up credit - but it was irresponsible Americans that got us in trouble in the first place!

Summers: true it's a paradox - we need people to borrow for things like college instead of McMansions

Gregory: exciting

Summers: but first go out and spend!!!

[ break ]

Gregory: dick what the fuck is with the ridiculous teabagging parties

Armey: quite frankly Obama cut taxes but frankly I just discovered that since 1980 raising spending and cutting taxes is bad!!

Ford: fuck you

Armey: but it's inevitable that if you increase spending and debt you have to raise taxes!

Ford: what happened to supply-side economics?

Armey: never heard of it

Pearlstein: i just remembered since 1980 we have to live within our means

Gregory: do we really have to pay taxes or should we just use magic beans??

Easton: the non-existent tax increases are a real animating force for the GOP

Gregory: wow

Armey: we should raise taxes on the poor!!

Ford: um what the fuck dood?

Armey: i came on the defend the rich!

Ford: now we see the hypocrisy inherent in the system!

Stengel: Obama wants to bring America back to an era of thrift

Gregory: but where is the money going to come from??

Pearlstein: some of what Obama is proposing in investment

Armey: the government is just too big - I hate government

Gregory: which part

Armey: well look at the failure of Republican administrations - doesn't that prove government can't work??

Ford: you should donate your brain to the Center for Crazy-Ass studies

Gregory: Time magazine says the Person of the Year is” The Cheapskate”

Stengel: the top 10% of Americans of doing a Re-Set and not buying bottled water from Iceland

Gregory: it's the new frugality!!

Easton: everyone just realized that Reagan, Bush and Bush we're all total fucktards

Dave: oh well America had a good run there

Easton: the key to recovery is to hand free billions to banks - the Left is mad about that

Gregory: well the teabaggers say that too

Easton: no Dave, they're stone cold racists

Pearlstein: look rich white men will always steal the money - get over it!

Stengel: i love unemployed people they're so cuddly and good for a cover story

Ford: bobby jindal put it best - Obama is a secret Vulcan

Gregory: let's talk torture - will telling the truth weaken America?

Armey: oh sure - why smack Bush around?

Gregory: well it's legal now!

Stengel: Nelson Mandela would ignore all this

Ford: the past is the past - let's not argue about how used insects on who

Gregory: interesting

Easton: i expect we will get a DeSantis letter from a CIA officer saying "Dear Obama I quit!"

Armey: this was a political act to make Bush look bad - not that torture is bad - but if it were then Obama is bad for revealing it even thought it's not bad

Gregory: right