Sunday, April 05, 2009

Meet The Press - April 5, 2009

Meet the Press
April 5, 2009
Guest: Fritz Henderson, CEO of General Motors
**************************

Gregory: OMG President Obama says GM totally sucks!!

Henderson: in our defense we could thrive if we had billions in free money

Gregory: you've been at GM for 25 years - what's your fucking problem?

Henderson: hey it's a bit of a learning curve

Gregory: GM has lost tens of billions - was Wagoner incompetent?

Henderson: maybe but he was a hell of a nice white guy

Gregory: what went wrong with GM?

Henderson: we need to forget our mistakes and
begin moving forward being robust

Gregory: is there double-standard between
you and the banks

Henderson: of course there is but what are you going to do?

Gregory: but Bob Corker said the Pandora's
Box of fascism has been opened!

Henderson: it was very difficult for us to go on welfare

Gregory: look the reality is Obama is a fascist - now say it!!!

Henderson: Obama told me not to

Gregory: GM sucks - but you've been there 25 years!!

Henderson: look i've run every aspect of the company so only i can fix it

Gregory: really??

Henderson: fuck if I know

Gregory: why not just declare bankruptcy?

Henderson: oh that's no fun

Gregory: you shrewdly put older executives on medicare - surely you must do the same for unions??

Henderson: maybe

Gregory: oh c'mon just say it!

Henderson: all right you forced me

Gregory: how can you and I work together to
destroy the unions?

Henderson: see me in the green room

Gregory: people think GM cars totally suck

Henderson: that's true

Gregory: so what you are you going to do?

Henderson: there's no magic - we just sell cars
one at a time

Gregory: that's kind of stupid

Henderson: hey Dave - want to buy a car?

Gregory: no - now why don't you work for a dollar a year?

Henderson: why don't you?

Gregory: [spit take ] jesus are you serious!

Henderson: I make a million a year

Gregory: crap I could never live on so little

Henderson: i'm clipping coupons

Gregory: how do you win consumers back?

Henderson: two words: big fins

Gregory: you are the worst spokesman ever

Henderson: yeah i know

Gregory: you're like the lead guy at a Boring Man Festival

[ break ]

Gregory: OMG North Korea fired a nuclear rocket at Japan!!

Obama: North Korea broke the rules!!

Kay: like the rules in Hiroshima?

Dave: good one katty

Gregory: China says remain calm and would you like MSG

Kay: North Korea demands attention - they're telling
the world they're not going to be ignored!!

Gregory: wow

Kay: President Hu will be involved

Dave: who?

Kay: Hu

Dave: who?

Kay: what?

Dave: Watt?

Gregory: Is Obama like the Superman in Superman IV - is he going to ride the world of all nuclear weapons?

Harwood: right he's both good and evil

Gregory: Bibi says the messianic crazy people should not have nukes

Kay: well Bush is out of office

Harwood: we have to decide who's scarier - North Korea or Iran

Gregory: How do we handle a girl named Israel?

Gerson: Weaponization is easy - comedy is hard

Dave: I do it week after week

Gregory: Obama has a weird approach to foreigners
- he listens to them instead of killing them

Gerson: fuck him

Rogers: it's almost as if after Reagan, Bush I,
Clinton and Bush II we decided to elect a man without dementia or psycho-sexual hangups

Gregory: interesting

Rogers: he's pushing his stimulus and his big package

Obama: America is dismissive, derisive, and arrogant - but the French are just assholes

Europe: zat ees true

Kay: Obama could elected Premier of Europe if wanted

Gregory: and Africa and Asia too

Kay: Obama failed utterly to get more than 5,000 more troops

Gerson: i was impressed by the Obamas' grace
but he failed to push those snooty Euro-trash bastards around

Gregory: hey you worked for Bush!

Gerson: yeah well it's easy to be popular when you aren't an asshole

Harwood: he's making first downs and slow and steady progress with no fumbles

Gregory: he's going to talk turkey to the
middle east next in Istanbul

Kay: indeed

Gregory: it's a paradox - i want to bash Obama
but he went after al qaeda

Ramo: the lesson of the Bush administation is
that you can't beat terrorists by bombing them

Gregory: so we wasted the last 8 years?

Gerson: that's true - but let me invoke Saint Petraeus to salvage Stupid's reputation - it was really Bush who tried diplomacy

Ramo: umm dude that is total bullshit

Kay: Obama's cheating by having good ideas on terrorism

Gregory: it's quite fascinating

Rogers: he's like robot or a genetically enhanced human

Gerson: oh sure invoke reality - i hate all you people

Gregory: good point mikey

Gregory: Obama has failed to achieve world peace and prosperity

Harwood: actually the Dow is up Dancin' Dave

Gregory: but, but, but, they only spent a
trillion dollars - isn't Obama a failure?

Rogers: criminy David the nations have already
spent money from their own stimulus bills now!

Gregory: but, but, but, don't other nations
totally suck because we suck?

Rogers: the American people have too many credit cards

Gerson: i totally agree - but this week was a
real win for the new international Superstar, Gordon Brown

Kay: jesus you are a shit head

Gregory: will China now control the world currency?

Ramo: i live in China and I can tell you that
Tim Geithner met with our loan officer in China and they offered us good terms

Gregory: nice

Ramo: Chinese blogs say they need to unscrew the U.S. economy

Gregory: oh noe!

Gregory: we've lost 5 million jobs!

Rogers: yes but the good news is that the numbers
are worse than ever before

Gregory: thank god

Rogers: also the good news is that actually 15 million are unemployed

Gregory: ok

Rogers: now Obama must win over conservatives Republicans

Gregory: I noticed Obama has failed on this

Gerson: [ high pitched voice, wild hand gestures ]
indeed this was a failed week for Obama !!!

Kay: you're like a less masculine mitt romney

Gregory: let me quote yes another conservative David Brooks

Harwood: Bobo and Gerson are all right - firing
Rick Wagoner was so risky now that Obama owns this problem

Gregory: we live in an era where people hate high CEO salaries

Ramo: yes - if by 'era' you mean 'one week'

Gregory: let me ask Michael Gerson about Bob Corker

Gerson: jesus Dave even I think you're in the tank
for the GOP - Obama had to take on big business

Gregory: will no one bash Obama but me??

Rogers: Obama is doing the right thing

Kay: sorry dancin' dave i think Obama is right here

Gregory: [ weeps openly ]

Gregory: today we celebrate two rites of spring -
the cherry blossom festival and Karl Rove and I will
interpret Stravinsky's Le Sacre du Printemps on the White House Oval - don't miss it!!

3 comments:

Douglas Watts said...

YES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Funniest.

thank you.

Doug Watts

Douglas Watts said...

CoT:

To my personal "best of list' --

Kroft: do you like being President?

Obama: yes I spend most of the day calling old high school friends and say “what are you up to? I’m the motherfucking President!!”

---

Don't know how you do it ...

David said...

Great stuff. Keep it up.