Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Countdown with Keith Olbermann - Tuesday, May 29, 3007

Countdown with Keith Olbermann - Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Keith: dood does Cindy sheehan have a good point about America being distracted by American Idol

Gore: well lets just say that Jefferson and Madison would be pretty fucking appalled at what their country has become

Keith: but they were passionate

Gore: true there was no golden age but for gods sake we just built a creation museum next we'll declare viruses and gravity to be tests from god its a total assult on logic and reason

Keith: ok

Gore: My internets is a good thing because it emphasizes the written word and a robust conversation -- in other words thank god for bloggers telling Newt Gingrich and Karl Rove to shove it

Keith: Congressional dems buckled

Gore: look dood bush has the bully pulpit their hands were tied they just didn't have the votes

Keith: should we hold Congressional votes in the middle of reality shows

Gore: i have a whole book of recommnedations like that why not have debates in prime time for those few people who give a shit

Keith: u say bush is teh big liar

Gore: its true cheney gets up and every morning lies like other people breathe they lied to get us into the war which call me crazy is kind of big deal

Keith: no yur not crazy

Gore: the whole national conversation we're having subverts democracy because they lie and frankly the american people need to get off their asses and treat their lying leaders with a little skepticism

Keith: democracy is tough

Gore: the american people are too easily swayed by outrageous bullshit but in their defense they know the GOP are probably going to steal the election anyway

Keith: they just change the channel

Gore: tv ads are so dumb teh people get turned off completely and they dont know who to believe

Keith: not good

Gore: people have to use the internet and other tools to insist our leaders use reason and logic cause frankly too many people are reading about Lindsay Lohan while our Founding fathers are betrayed

Keith: dood r u going to run 4 President

Gore: im not thinking about it running but im not ruling it out either and just to be really coy let me point out that i can wait to enter the race until later if i want to

Keith: please run please

Gore: well this book is an obvious starting point

Keith: so fucking run already dood!!!

Gore: well gosh u know i would love to but i still face the hurdle of maureen dowd and the kool kidz who still are hating on Big Al

Keith: when do u announce

Gore: i dunno but why not september everyone else talks about it

Keith: please run

Gore: if i do maybe i'll announce on yur show

Keith: awesome

Hardball - Tuesday, May 29, 3007

Hardball - Tuesday, May 29, 3007


Talbot: bugliosi is a slick lawyer who relies on a rock musician that may have worked on Helter Skelter but this is an assasination not the charlie mansion family

Chris: dood Oswald worked at the Depository beofore the parade route was planned who put the preznit in his line of fire

Talbot: dood Lee Harvey slipped in and out of the USSR like fucking James Bond explain that

Chris: did the Irish mafia kill JFK

Talbot: what the fuck r u talking about

Bugolisi: fuck you both now i wanna talk

Chris: ok go ahead dickhead

Vincent: dood all this is all old news teh acoustics are rock solid i got the guy who did the remix on Walk This Way and Freebird

Talbot: thats not bad

Vincent: Was RFK teh big liar when he said there was no consipiracy?

Talbot: dood he wuz carrying around Kennedy's brain around for evidence - it was a strategic lie

Chris: who killed my prez

Vincent: dood it wuz Oswald all alone but what really bugs me is how obsessive people are about this case and im not exaggerating i figured it out while working on it for 20 years

chris: uh huh

Bugliosi: now Talbot is saying bobby covered up the murder of his own brother

Talbot: no he wuz in fear for his life Hoover had it in for him ever since bobby wouldn't lend him Ethel's clothes when she was out of town

Bugliosi: thats crazy they weren't even the same size

Talbot: lots of people believed in the conspiracy dood

Vincent: do u think LBJ was involved

Talbot: no u r saying that not me

Vincent: yur supremely silly look im shouting

Pat Buchanan: i blame the movie for all this

Tweety: Oliver Stone was totally irresponsible how dare someone present a slanted view on tv or the movies

Herbert: let me trot out the tired cliche that people don't want to believe that a great man can be killed by some lone nut

Pat: all politics is tribal - for example all non-americans are bums

Tweety: Lets talk about my boyfriend Rudy -- how can he be so wonderful?

Herbert: can he maintain this psycho killer smile thru the election

Tweety: did u say erection that's why i'm thinking of!!!

Pat: yes you know i think....

Tweety: sorry all this talk about Rudy and erections means i have to cut the show short and go into my dressing rooom

The Chris Matthews Show - Sunday, May 27, 2007

The Chris Matthews Show - Sunday, May 27, 2007

Matthews: new books say hillary covered up bill’s affairs

Sully: teh 90s were all about the clintons being unfairly attacked so we should not elect hillary

Fineman: shes a double helix

Borger: people are sick of bill and hillary that’s why she leads in teh polls

Matthews: carl berstein sez she wuz ambitious and hes and honorable man

Hearn: so she’s controlling - like Rudy isnt

Chris: she's not honest about the Clenis

Fineman: she covered up hubby's affairs i cant stand that

Borger: she's the Godfather!

Matthews: She's lucca brazzzi!

Sully: my name is luka and i whore on teh second floor

Matthews: can she win only with she-devils vote

Fineman: yeah she goes for the bread and butter issues and you how women love to hang out in the kitchen

Chris: how does she win

Fineman: she gets all the women to vote absentee in California

Chris: why are all the wimmin absentee

Fineman: they’re all off getting abortions

Borger: they tell poor women obama is a fancy idealist

Matthews: but poor people need to dream while they park my car

Borger: its like that Nike ad - I could be like Hill

Hearn: waitresses don’t vote they’re too busy cleaning up after rich white guys

Sully: this could all change when people find out Obama is married to a chick coal miner

Chris: that hottie from that movie with Charlie Theron wow

Sully: they had a written deal to divide America between them thats creepy I mena how do they think they are the bushes or something

Borger: will the voters compartmentalize - that is do what the beltway press corps want them to do and reject hillary or be all evil and vote for her

Chris: so that’s good can teh GOP still win

Fineman: no dood look at the polls

Chris: no dammitt tell the Republicans win - now tell me!!

Borger: where are the values voter what about Rudy Giulian-

Chris: don’t u dare criticize my man crush Gloria

Hearn: her numbers go up when idiot men like Chris Matthews keep irrationally attacking her

Chris: shes evil and i hate her

Matthews: ok will hillary use female wiles and intimidation of the media to screw America

Fineman: do i have to accept your crazy premise

Sully: it’s all about the insane war i supported for years

Chris: who duz that help

Sully: obama because like me he knows the war is a bad idea

Chris: we cant accept that a loser could kill a great man JFK, Lincoln or Franz Ferdinand

Fineman: its part of democracy i for have never gotten over the assassination of garfield

Chris: they killed that cute cat those motherfuckers

Fineman: no you idiot

Chris: the unwashed masses need to believe it was moriarty, iago or professor plum with the candlestick

Borger: yes i agree the little people who are inferior to you and me can't accept reality that it was a confederacy of dunces who shot oswald

Matthews: the liberals just cant accept that Oswald a liberal and leftists who killed kennedy

Heard: no its that Oswald said he was a pastry and then he wuz shot by Ruby Tuesday who said he wuz set up by some white dood who was then drowned by Prescott Bush

Sully: i don’t really give a shit

Chris: Oswald acted alone and heres the proof he worked at the suppository before the route wuz made up so hah!

Sully: dood it wuz downtown dallas where else wuz he gonna go

Chris: either u believe me or u think the irish mafia killed he Kennedy because he stole their lucky charms

Borger: but we’re so cynical now why people even question the Beltway media

Chris: anyone who sez jfk was killed by more than one person is wrong because kennedy gave a speech saying if we leave saigon falls

Hearn: i thought that movie was way cool when i 13 yrs old

Sully: its just a fucking mystery but it history’s mystery now

Chris: Sully i luv but yur out to lunch

Sully: right back at ya dood

Chris: tell something i dunno

Hearn: Pelosi will go to Greenland to see it before its all gone into the sea

Fineman: Gore and Bloomberg will work together and then apart and then together again when Gore and Bloomie but run for Prez

Chris: whoa dood wait u just said Gore is running for Prez

Fineman: yes i did dood

Borger: many congressman will resign if they cant get free hot tub sex from lobbyists can u blame them

Sully: the preznit and sec of state cant control foreign policy in their own administration so were going to war with iran

Matthews: wow u all think my man-crush Fred Thompson is running that’s so cool - can he beat that weenie Gore

Fineman: he’ll run in September is hillary slips in iowa

Chris: Gore is too fat to win

Fineman: by October he’ll be lean, mean and ready to kick yur ass

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Hardball - Friday, May 26

Hardball - Friday, May 26

Matthews: i like to talk about hillary and sex

Baker: hillary likes to talk about iraq and health care and that's so phony because these books are about her husbands penis

Matthews: but Gerth works for teh New York Times so hes totally credible

Red Cheeks: this is a legitimate topic for discussion Clinton's penis and her vagina are crucial to our democracy

Matthews: hillary is such a bitch she cost 50 million americans health care

Baker: dood that is so true

Red cheeks: shes a controlling harridan

Matthews: it was her fault one her aides was robbed at an ATM

Cheeky: they didn't like ken starr you what that means they hate america

Matthews: hillary was in a three way with women at the Rose law firm

Baker: yeah thank god we can hang a legal hook on their sex life so we can talk about it

Matthews: should i buy this book is there a lot of sex in it

Baker: its fair and balanced a ripping good read

Red/shirt/red tie/red cheeks: if she would lie about her husbands penis what else would she lie about???!!!

Matthews: she covered up his affairs - did she have anyone killed?

Baker: probably - thats what makes this story so endlessly fascinating u can make anything up and talk about it

Chris: and we're back with Howard Wolfson i hope he knows alot about hillary and sex cause that's i talk about

Matthews: dood these are major publishing houses calling hillary a screeching freak

Howard Wolfson: dood who cares about these this is old news did u know theres a Harry Potter coming out

Matthews: not so fast dood i happen to be an authority on teh clinton's marriage and hillary's evilness especially

Wolfson: dood i noticed

Matthews: i always thought it was pat moynihan who stopped the health care plan now it turns out it was her vagina dentata

Wolfson: i guess republican opposition didn't count

Matthews: sex! penis! erection!

Wolfson: iraq! terror! health care!

Matthews: are people in iowa obsessed with the Clinton's sex life

Wolfson: yur doing yur best dood

Chris: did they procure women for Bill

Wolfson: dood there is a war in Iraq and all u want to talk about is Clinton's penis

Chris: dood don't talk to me i luv the war - i mean i hate it

Wolfson: whatever dood

Chris: why is everyone obsessed with Clinton's sex life then

Wolfson: dood only u - Chris Matthews - are obsessed with their sex

Chris: Mccain sez u r into surrender

Wolfson: dood that senile flak jacket wearing weirdo is welcome to this debate

Chris: let's talk about sex again

Wolfson: i think people would rather talk about the war

Chris: don't tell me about the iraq that i wake up in the morning thinking about iraq

Wolfson: alright let's talk about it

Chris: ok but dood first tell me why do the news media talk about hillary's sex life so much

[commercial break]

Matthews: and we're back to talk some more about the Clinton sex life

Melanie Morgan: the whole country will explode when this news comes out this is the great story of our time

Matthews: whats with yur face have u had a lot of plastic surgery

Melanie: dood lay off

Pariser: Iraq bill dammit this is the will of the people

Chris: but bush won't sign that bill

Pariser: dood bush is totally weak hes in nixon territory and i mean Nixon now as in dead

Chris: Melanie the iraq poll sez u suck

Morgan: american people would ideally like to see iraqi government be perfect and victory not surrender!!!

Melanie: basic human decency sez we should stay in iraq and occupy their country and bomb the living shit out of them

Pariser: dood what the fuck is victory now we're just recruiting for al qaeda

Melanie: abraham lincoln

Matthews: shut up

Hanretty: dood this is shocking me Hillary is actually a politician like everyone else!!!!

Green: i don't know how to read but people tell me Girth is an idiot-crazy-Clinton-hating obsessive

Matthews: god u r an asshole aren't u

Green: y do people always say that

Chris: do i talk about it for teh politics or to wallow in semen

Robinson: so she wuz ambitious so what

Chris: hah i luv it i can related i would do anything or anyone just to be on teevee

Morgan: it's sick to want to run f president its extreme narcissism when they look at each other they are basically another Hitler twice over

Chris: i should say now we will talk about nothing but Hillary and The Clenis for the next 2 years


Chris: Welcome back to the all Penis edition of Hardball Mark Green how big is yours

Green: im not going to answer that

Chris: small huh

Green: shut up

Chris: how did she win in NY

Green: not everyone likes Hillary personally but politically they luv her im so jealous i ran for office in NY and the more people met me teh more they hated me

Melanie: no none of that is true she never was elected to the Senate the real question is will Bill Clinton have sex in teh White House and why wont he call me

Green: why are u so bitter did u flash yur thong he likes that

Melanie: yeah he still said no thanks

Green: Teh Clintons were good presidents

Melanie: 9/11 wuz Clinton's fault

Chris: jeebus you are a loon aren't you

Chris: duz Scooter Libbry deserve 3 years in prison

Morgan: oh so sad he wuz railroaded

Chris: u disagree with the jury that he lied on the stand

Morgan: yes i disagree with the jury she wasn't covert!

Chris: are u retarded or what

Morgan: Grrrrr!!!!!!!

Chris: oh yur crazy should they pardon the Scooter?

Morgan: no because it might hurt jesus

Chris: how so

Morgan: Bush is teh reincarnation of the Lord Jeebus Christ

Chris: oh well have a good memorial day weekend everyone

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Meet The Press, May 20, 2007

Meet The Press, May 20, 2007


Dodd: when u have a military hammer everything looks like a country u can bomb the shit out of

Newtie: look at me im condescending and wrong all the time

Russert: yeah yeah

Newt: are we prepared to accept and legislate defeat look at i know how troops in combat think i played with a lot of toy soliders during vietnam

Russert: well there you go

Newt: we need to bomb Iran, North Korea, Waziristan, Hamas, Russia, Estonia, London and New Jersey

Tim: ok

Newt: the forces of freedom are on retreat!

Tim: scary

Newt: Malestrom of evil!

Tim: Dodd what if we left and Iraq got chaotic

Dodd: um dood iraq is not exactly Nantucket right now -- criminy's there a fucking civil war going on as we speak

Tim: interesting

Dodd: there is no military solution - yeah there could there be problems if we leave but America has been weakened and Chickenhawk Newt isn't helping

Newt: dood i wrote three fucking fictional novels so i know what i'm talking about!!

Tim: that makes him an expert Chris

Newt: we have a higher standard for Iraqi parliament than for Nancy Pelosi who sux here's what we should do -- we should win!!!

Russert: brilliant but how

Newt: easy Iraqi biometric id cards, more young republicans in Iraq, encourage iraqis to try really hard, also blockade the nation of Iran

Russert: well that sounds very simple

Dodd: oh yeah thats just great but the iraqis don't even want to fight this war for god's sake

Newt: iraq is not the heart of the war of terror - we need to fight the shia and sunni both want to destroy freedom as we know it - we can win this war like we did in WWII if really really wanted to

Russert: USA! USA!

Newt: we could lose an American city

Russert: can you imagine if we lost a city to bombing or flooding

Newt: we should never talk to iran or syria

Dodd: Reagan talked to the soviets

Newt: all right fine lets to talk to them but Reagan had a grand strategery involving the pope to take down the USSR

Russert: so impressive

Newt: this is just like America in 1776 would the French have given up on us if the colonies were in total chaos and thousands were being killed in random attacks and if French troops came to help us and several of them were killed every single day in attacks by colonials and Americans would never fight would the French have pulled out??

Dood: dood um for sure

Russert: firm date?

Newt: that would send sublimal messages to our troops to try to avoid getting killed and we can't have that

Russert: good point

Newt: look at Fort Dix terrorists will come here just as soon as their Frequent Terror Miles kick in

Dodd: i feel like I'm debating a total nutcase

Tim: thank you for yur civility - so Newtie r u running?

Newt: i have silver hair

Dood: dood my eyebrowz rule over u

[ commercial break ]

Brinkley: Reagan diaries are an invaluable resource for scientists studying an example of long mental decline

Russert: dood was too dependent on Nancy

Brinkley: yeah its cute

Deaver: she made him what he was - she was teh best supporting actress

Meese: she was his helpmate like eve with adam

Timmeh: awwwwwwwwww

Meese: she also ended drug use in America by appearing "Diff'rent Strokes"

Tim: he hated his grown kidz he had screaming fights with all three just because the Secret Service broke into their house

Russert: Reagan said getting shot hurts - owed his life to God

Deaver: unlike Reagan i didn't forget to duck

Meese: he said who's minding the store and we said don't worry Al Haig is in charge

Brinkley: he almost died and we could have had a Bush as President

Russert: can u imagine

Brinkley: he forgave Hinkley - when he found he he had a mental illness he emphathized

Russert: wuz he a tree worhsipper

Deaver: he worshipped redwoods and nancy worshipped him

Brinkley: he reviewed his debate dallies with Jack Warner

Meese: Reagan had a photographic memory for bullshit

Russert: Bitburg

Deaver: yeah that was my fault - he wanted to visit the set of Hogan's Heroes and that was the best i could do

Russert: he hated the press

Deaver: when Donaldson was around he liked to pretend he wuz deaf

Russert: Iran contra -- Reagan found out the law was broken was going to fire someone and changed his mind

Meese: Ollie North did all this without any of us knowing but trust me Reagan was completely ignorant

Russert: by 1987 was he senile?

Deaver: well really it was hard to tell

[ shows film of Reagan acknowledging scandal ]

Russert: classic Reagan - could never tell between fantasy and reality


The Chris Matthews Show, May 20, 2007


The Chris Matthews Show, May 20, 2007

Bob Woodward: My buddy Bush needs to ask what is the moral basis for the occupation of Iraq

Chris Matthews: um yeah what is it again

Woodward: he sez Iraq could get violent

David Brooks: I looked in teh eyes of iraqis they will die if we leave

Matthews: surge yes or no

Brooks: We’re on the 5th reel of this movie but iraqis are still sitting thru the previews

Mitchell: Maliki is teh looser - we withdraw in September

Kay: what happens when we leave - al qaeda could move in

Matthews: damm - so will there be a civil war?

Andrea Mitchell: Saudis say we will fight for Sunni minority, plus Iran sez dood be careful we will fight for Shia too

Brooks: im an expert on teh mentality of the bobos in Iraq - they're very primal they're into killing

Matthews: should we stay for 10 years

Kay: dood i wouldn't build a summer home their now

Woodward: it's very violent in Iraq it's almost as bad as Philly

Matthews: hey

Woodward: sorry dood

Chris: regional war?

Brooks: look i know the Saudis really well - did you know that there are only three real countries in the Middle East

Kay: quel idiot

Andrea: look i luv the iraq war and now its a terror base but people there do seem to hate us

Woodward: Saudis fear a war with Iran

Andrea: War Czar may rethink our strategery there

Brooks: i hope they will look into the abyss and freak out and its worth losing a solider a day until xmas to find out

Matthews: catalyst?

Woodward: something bad happening

Matthews: whoa sophisticated analysis

Mattthews: ok we’re back and here i mock Hillary with my lame musical jokes

Panel: heh

Matthews: hillary scares me she waves her hands like eva peron

Chris: i luv bill clinton

Brooks: maneater - evita - jesus christ superstar yeah that makes no sense at all

Chris: yur like teh Phantom of the Op-ed

Matthews: and we’re back let’s talk Third Parties i luv ross perot he’s the reason Clinton won

Chuck Hegel: i would really luv access to Bloomberg's money

Kay: the pundits luv a third party

Brooks: money's not enough they have no issues

Chris: but he’s so cuddly and competent

Brooks: dood that should a minimum requirement not a campaign slogan

Mitchell: this Bloomberg-Hagel thing is for real

Woodward: if only we had some egomanical billionaires in America

Kay: Wolfie was outed because Bush shoved him in pissing everyone off

Woodward: secret memos show iraq was an is a failed state

Brooks: al qaeda moving into Palestine i saw their U-Hauls with a logo of Osama on the side this weekend.

McLaughlin Group, May 20, 2007

McLaughlin Group, May 20, 2007


McLaughlin: Immigration bill yes or no

Buchanan: its a secret beltway deal for amnesty 20 million illegals its an attack on the Republican base and Ronald Reagan and it could cost Bush the next election

John: wow tough talk

Buchanan: it will destroy the GOP and America!

Clift: its pretty tough on illegal immigrants actually but it may not pass

Blankely: i agree with Pat - but it could pass and Bush will sign it - if he does it will be a civil war in the GOP and he will be remembered as another Hoover

Zuckerman: i'm a businessman and i luv this bill

McLaughlin: you can bring in more indian computer geeks

Zuckerman: there’s a shortage in america of smart people and unskilled workers too

John: do we have an excess of anything?

Zuckerman: blowhard pundits

Clift: how do all these people go home and then come back

Blankely: right

Buchanan: im a friend to african americans and single moms Zuckman dood you are killing America!!!

Zucker: no we have low unemployment

Buchanan: so by bringing in more unskilled workers u take jobs away

Zuckerman: worker shortage!

Clift: not all illegal immigrants are unskilled

Buchanan: this law will destroy America

Clift: immigrants help America

Blankley: i hate it when we encourage people come to America

McL: yur an immigrant

Blankley: thats true

Zuckerman: Report on Olmert devastating

McLaughlin: wow

Zucker: Israelis must respond to attacks by Hamas

McL: peace process?

Zucker: there isn’t one

Clift: Israelis don’t want to get sucked into war in Gaza

Buchanan: Bush gave up all our leverage and has done nothing for seven years!

Blankley: come see the violence inherent in the system

Buchanan: we drove them to that violence

Clift: isolation sux

Zuckerman: they reject modernity

Clift: they’re not billionaires like you Mort - they were born in refugee camps which affects yur view of how wonderful modernity is.

McL: Is Sarkozy a star????

Buchanan: Yes he’s is a star

Clift: sure why not

Zuckerman: he luvs america

McLaughlin: the answer is Yes!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Hardball - Thursday, May 17

Hardball - Thursday, May 17 (Last Ten Minutes)


Tweety: yur from chicago like teh deep dish

Chicago Reporter: thanx

Tweety: immigration bill is teh fake

Chicago Reporter: its teh song and dance

Tweety: all that jazz

Chicago: yeah

Tweety: im cynical but tomorrow there will still be illegals

Chic: well give it a day

Tweety: will Congress really make it illegal to hire someone legally

Chic: maybe

Tweety: teh angloes luv the fence

Tweety: WSJ supports Abu Wall Street Journal is Shakespearean they also can't get blood off their hands

Ron Reagan: this scandal leads to the White House question is now who was beating up on Ashcroft in the hospital

O'Beirne: im in teh beltway i say this is boooring

Tweety: Ashcroft was in a coma like Michael Douglas in that Crichton movie

O'Beirne: but he followed the balloon with his eyes and he said go ahead and wiretap

Tweety: its like Barzzini in teh Godfather he sleeps with teh fishes

O'Beirne: his sex life is irrelevant dood

Reagan: it was totally illegal

O'Beire: no its legal now

Reagan: how about B4

O'Berine: i dunno

Reagan: well maybe we should r u a citizen or sheeperson

Tweety: wow David Mamet couldn't write this

Reagan: coffee is closers dood now take yur meds tweety

Rosie O'Donnell: invading iraq it like teh terrorism

O'Beirne: poor elizabeth she ain't not Hasselbeck girl she has to sleep with teh looser

Reagan: most americans would not accept $2,000 if their child was killed by an arab soldier in their hometown call me crazy

O'Beirne: the troops! the troops!

Tweety: u go gurl

O'Beirne: im bending over backwards to justify killing civilians

Reagan: Rosie isnt a good poster gurl

Tweety: im a nationalist but there r many people who hate america in know because they disagree with me

O'Beirne: rosie is fat

Tweety: there r gud critics like me who luv America and there are dirty hippie bloggers like that dood who duz teh Bobblespeak Translations who hate america and we must always remember the difference

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Republican Debate in South Carolina - May 14, 2007

Republican Debate in South Carolina - May 14, 2007

Our contestants tonight include a methodist, a couple of baptists, a catholic who's been married three times, a kansan with 5 children, and a mormon whose hobbies include scientology, magic underwear and sculpting his hair.

Let's get to it!

Brit Hume: Iraq

McCain: read Osama bin Laden's new book - seriously, it's good it lays out of lot of good ideas on how take over iraq

Thompson (Tommy, not Fred): dood i studied for this debate look i even memorized how many soliders have been killed

Hume: yeah but that over an hour ago

Thompson: damm

Mitt: i'm here tonight to project success not failure look dood all teh muslims are all united the sunni and shiia and buddhist want to bring down the united states government

Chris Wallace: wow

Brownback: we're losing because of liberal bloggers aren't behind teh war - dood harry reid has stabbed us all in the back

Wallace: solution

Brownback: teh Articles of Confederation were great we should try it in iraq

Wallace: how evil are democrats

Guiliani: they're the worst evilness in teh history of warfare

Wallace: will tehy follow us here

Rudy: dood thank god in Fort Dix teh FBI caught that guy they sent to those doods to offer to sell them machine guns

Tancredo: dood should we have constabulary force

Wallace: no because this isn't 18th century london dood

Tancredo: as president i will make no decisions but i will cheer teh troops as they are killed

Ron Paul: dood i tried to offer a declaration of war in 2002 and guess what the hawks said no

Wallace: Reagan was the best

Paul: Reagan turned and ran cause he found out the Middle East was not in the hollywood hills

Duncan Hunter: one of us will be commander in chief in a few months

Wallace: dood do u know something we dont

Huckabee: i dont know much about foreign policy but i will get good advice like from jesus

Lorelei Gilmore: we have no choice now but offer very strong empty platitudes on Iran - next thing you know Egypt will get the bomb and then maybe Israel

Moderator: dood yur "flip flop mitt"

Romney: read my hair no new taxes

Mod: i like it

Romney: im going to cut unnecessary waste and spending

Mod: wow never head that before

McCain: if we dont keep teh tax cuts all the little farmers will have to recalculate and they're not too smart

Mod: dont repeate the drunker sailor story dood

McCain: oh yes i will u cant stop me

Mod: dood way to prove yur not senile

Huckabee: Americans are not smart enough to know the taxes they're paying we spend like John Edwards at a beauty shop

[huge crowd reaction]

Rudy: dood i tamed teh evil liberal black hispanic gay nyc and i can do it DC - also i would fire 50% of all federal workers u can get yur mail once a week

Brownback: dood i drive a hybrid can u imagine a Republican saying that proudly a few years ago let me thrown in a stoopid joke about my teenage daughter

Mod: dood thats cold

Thompson: im the veto king

Mod: name three federal things yu would cut

Thompson: i cant

Paul: look at what we can cut FEMA for example

Mod: Yikes

Paul: dood we're borrowing from the Chinese

Mod: dood did u just say u would eliminate Homeland Security in a time of war?!

Paul: yeah why not

Hunter: its sad we dont even make bombs anymore

Tancredo: i can't believe what im hearing all these doods are guilty of all the big spending the federal government should do nothing but defense of teh country

Hume: thanx time for a commerical break - and mr Tancredo its time for yur medication

Wallace: john edwards is teh looser

Gilmore: Mitt and Rudy are big phonies

Wallace: dood you supported gays, gun control, and Maaaarioooo Cuooomooo

Rudy: look i may be really weird but Hillary is going to boil xian babies in the white house

Wallace: answer my question r u teh phony

Rudy: George Will likes me

Wallace: ted kennedy is yur BFF

McCain: dood he has an awesome yacht and teh best liquor cabinet ive ever seen

Wallace: ok

McCain: look i wouldn't trust Lorelei over there to feed my cat much less take down Osama

Huckabee: yeah i raised taxes but dood the Supreme Court told me to

Wallace: what a wimp

Mitt: sure i acted liberal but trust me deep down im a trogdolyte Massachusetts is so blue its black

Wallace: okaaay

Brownback: teh problem with illegal immigration is that people come in teh country illegally

[ding ding]

Thompson: we invented frozen embryos in teh vast frozen tundra of Wisconsin

Rudy: there are millions of americans who make teh choice of abortion and u have to respect that in a democracy

Huckabee: the fact that when a sperm and egg meet they create a person in the central fact of being an american and that's why were go looking for boy souts and put miners in defective mines which al qaeda would never do

Brownback: let me point to my fictional uterus to argue that embryos are beautiful children of a loving god wow im tearing up

Romney: ive always loved the little fetuses but was pro-choice but then the gays and liberals in massachusetts started proposing rack upon rack of human farms i changed my mind

Mod: wow dood are u sure that wasn't an L Ron Hubbard book

McCain: we're really close to an immigration bill heck im from Arizona its illegals central

Mitt: the beauty of my plan is that it makes no sense at all

Wallace: i dont follow

Mitt: no one can criticize it its faaaabulous

McCain: dood yur a flip-flopper

Mitt: poopyhead

Rudy: im not soft on anything im running as a fascist

Mod: what's the answer

Rudy: a big fence and make every immigrant deal with the DMV

Hunter: we should build a big fence and then another bigger one behind that one

[ applause ]

Ron Paul: i come from the strong line of isolationists in teh republican party

Mod: but 9/11 9/11 9/11

Paul: dood why do u think 9/11 happened because we're always up in their business and their face

Rudy: hes saying that america invited the 9/11 attacks and that's terrible now u take that back

[thunderous applause]

Paul: dood we overthrew teh Shah they dont hate us for our freedom they wanted us to go to iraq so they could kill americans and guess what we did and they are

Rudy: may i go over there and punch him

Mod: no

Rudy: fuck

Mod: confederate flag

[audience boos ]

McCain: fuck you

Tancredo: for every scientist who sez global warming theres one who sez there isn't - oh and i just wanted to say to ron paul that its part of the islamic religion to attack america

Hume: when we come back we play "24"

Brit Hume: wow ok here's a really really detailed fictional disaster scenario but the real question is would u torture a prisoner

McCain: yes i would but we should never do it because we do not torture - u know i was tortured its about america - read teh army field manual its all in there

Hume: dood if you don't say u favor torture i will toss you off this stage right now

[throws pen down angily]

Guiliani: i would tell teh interrrogators to let their imaginations go wild

[ wild applause ]

Romney: i would deny them lawyers in fact i would double the size of Gitmo its faaaaaaabulous

Hume: dood tone it down

Hume: imagine a nightmare scenario in teh Dark Continent

Thompon: Colin Powell is black u know and if there is a country anywhere hostile to us if they're brown we should kill them!

Brownback: not only would i not go to the U.N. for authorization i would bomb Africa and then i would bomb the U.N.

Hunter: yur all wimps i would start torturing liberals then random people then the detainees in Gitmo

Gilmore: i would go to the U.N but just to tell them to fuck off

McCain: jesus christ yur all wannabe heroes


Hume: what if a shopping center was hit

Romney: oh nooooooo!!!!

Hume: will no one here take my hint and declare marital law and outlaw the Democratic party???

Huckabee: lets use the word murder and sacrifice

Paul: if america was attacked again i would cut spending

Hume: ok

Paul: terms like 'enhanced interrogation technique' are Orwellian

Tancredo: okay i am just really freaking out right now listening to this you're all acting like this is fictional - i would tell Jack Bauer to throw the Constitution out the window because we are teh last best hope of western civilization

Hume: no more questions for u

Wallace: ok i am going to give u a really really really easy question do u wish there were more minorities voting Republican?

Gilmore: no fuck 'em if they can't be bothered to join teh GOP

Romney: i luv school testing and kids luv it too - thats civil rights

Hunter: China is buying weapons designed to kill Americans!!!!

Hume: Well thats it i want to thank all the candidates for scaring the shit out of everyone tonight - good night now im going to go hide under my bed


Sunday, May 13, 2007

The Chris Matthews Show - May 13, 2007

The Chris Matthews Show - May 13, 2007


Matthews: Republicans revolting on teh Preznit

David Gregory: they told him u have no credibility

Casey Stengel: Bushies think they're all wimps after all Hoover is a hero now

Katty Kay: hes a total mental case

Cynthia Tucker: he has a messiah complex - god told him to keep us in iraq with too few troops to succeed

Kay: hes teh Commander Guy

Stengel: Mitt Romney's gonna run as teh guy who thinks the war was badly managed and he can do better after all he ran teh Olympics and Duane Reed

Matthews: teh drugstore is dangerous

Gregory: yeah but was war a bad idea or just badly managed

Matthews: uh yeah

Gregory: no one is talking about the real question which is if we stop teh war in Iraq who do we go to war with next after all we must be at war at all times

Matthews: who made u an expert on teh middle east dood

Kay: but teh base still luvs Bush

Tucker: GOP base are impervious to teh facts shut up about the war

Matthews: i still luv McCain

Gregory: dood he'll stick with Bush

Kay: Tony Bliar is loathed in Britain because he is seen as Bush's poodle

Mattthews: yeah none of the other dogs want to sniff Barney's butt anymore its sad

Gregory: yeah but Blair was right about everything we must crush the middle east infidels!!!

Matthews: i luv teh movies!!!

[shows clip: "David Beckham, Harry Potter, teh Beatles, Bush is a bully"]

Kay: Chris yur crying over "Love Actually" yur so fucking weird dood

Gregory: i was hanging with the queen and I kissed the royal jewels and dood they're real and they're spectacular

Tucker: The Generals are hating on Bush

Stengel: Fred McGruff gave a bad speech

Matthews: Nooooooo!!!!!!!

Matthews: graduation advice

Kay: Travel see the world

Matthews: i luv Aussies

Gregory: thank teh people who allowed you to become teh whore u are today someday u might get to meet teh queen

Tucker: dont run up credit card debt

Matthews: boooorrrriiing!!!

Stengel: dont follow yur bliss study science

Matthews: dood yur with Time magazine

Stengel: ok smart dood - whats yur advice

Matthews: dont ever let anyone tell you mental illness is a barrier to hosting 2 tv shows if thats yur dream


Meet The Press - May 13, 2007

Meet The Press - May 13, 2007


Russert: dood teh American people think the Iraq war was a mistake

McCain: well you know the American people think failure is teh suck

Russert: well why not

McCain: yeah but teh people dont get teh consequences of failure

Russert: teh people hate u and yur policies

McCain: kurds, turks, Saudis will go to war and then we'll have to partition bedrooms in Iraq if we do that they'll follow us in to American bedrooms

Timmeh: wow

McCain: i luv shock and awe but its true bush is a terrible president and it was all mismanaged - for that i blame Donald Rumsfeld

Timmeh: but not Bush of course

McCain: at the time we went to war given what the British said we had to invade iraq

Timmeh: thats it?

MCcain: also the Oil-for-Food program was breaking down

Timmeh: yur joking right

McCain: hey if we had known we'd fail well sure you wouldn't invade

Timmy: sorry yur confusing me

McCain: Al Qaeda is in Baghdad but we're making progress they're in other areas too

Timmeh: excellent but iraqi parliament wants us to leave

McCain: yeah but its in our interest to honor teh troops by not debating over and over and over again teh stoopit boring Iraq war

Tim: huh?

McCain: fuck the Iraqi parliament

Tim: oh ok

McCain: those fuckers are just playing to their base I’ve had it with this fucking democracy i saw all this in vietnam

Tim: yeah like in Platoon and the Killing Fields

McCain: clearly the democracy in Iraq is undermining our effort to establish a democracy in Iraq

Tim: how the fuck long is it going to take

McCain: well we fought a bloody civil war 100 years after the Revolution in 1776 so you figure it out

Timmeh: Iraqi referendum?

McCain: dood Iraq is too precious to be entrusted to the Iraqi people

Timmeh: who told you that

McCain: saddam hussein - he was pretty smart

Russert: why no Iraqi troops

McCain: it's a little baby democracy we're seeing "signifcant improvement"

Russert: dood that quote will come back to haunt u I guarantee it

McCain: a student of history will tell u we must crush iraq in order to save it

Russert: totally but how

McCain: we now have a totally awesome strategy

Timmeh: jesus h christ dood it's been four years and it's utter chaos

McCain: oh you can't trust the CIA do you realize they wanted us to invade Iraq and that was a really really bad idea

Timmeh: dood exactly what medications are u on???

McCain: i hope someday in teh future Americans will on teh front lines for 60 years but like in Korea hopefully a funny sitcom will be made

Timmeh: my head is spinning

McCain: yeah but in my pie-in-the-sky fantasy everything is great

Timmy: i can see that

McCain: look Timster i get it but we have only just begun this new strategy -- give it a chance to fail

Timmy: yur creepy

McCain: oh just cut off teh funding and starve our troops if u feel that way

Russert: yur so peevish lighten up and get a life

McCain: dood if we pull out of Iraq it will be genocide and America will be occupied by jihadists

Timmeh: is Iraq just like Somalia

McCain: there’s no comparison with Somalia except there was chaos in teh streets -- but Baghdad is vital if we control the Tigris and Euphrates we can control teh world!!!!!!

Tim: yur so optimistic

McCain: thats not fair I’ve been critical a lot heck I’ve flip flopped all the time

[Russert showing McCain in sunglasses and flak jack in Baghdad market]
Timmy: dood here's yur Dukakis moment

McCain: heh yeah

Tim: Sharpshooters, attack helicopters, 100 soldiers

McCain: dood i was there for 1 hour and bought some rugs and thing are better

Tim: but its really dangerous

McCain: see that only proves we have to stay until it's safe!

Tim: dood you are now officially making no sense at all

McCain: I'm not afraid to go anywhere and speak gibberish at any time

Tim: violence has gone up

McCain: see that proves we are winning

McCain: i will return to that market without any protection at all

Tim: oh yeah i'd like to see that

McCain: don't tempt me Tim Russert clearly i'm senile

Tim: GOP ready to give up on Iraq war

McCain: americans sad and frustrated blah blah blah blah even I get tired of saying it

Tim: [ yawn ]

MCain: these people are evil they tortured me in Vietnam!!

Tim: dood yur not having a flashback are u??

Tim: what a bummer you lose to Bush and then lose because you embraced Bush

McCain: i didn't embrace him - i hugged him

Tim: whatever u were his BFF

McCain: life isn't fair whaaaaaa

Tim: yur career is dying

McCain: i consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth

Tim: yur like Lou Gehrig maybe they'll name the disease of political failure after you

McCain: [clenches teeth and laughs] dood immortaility

Timmeh: u used to be pro-immigrant

McCain: no Chertoff is on board we're *this* close to an agreement

Tim: Ted Kennedy is fat

McCain: u should talk

Tim: heh okay

McCain: secure the Broders

Tim: he speaks for teh American people

McCain: he wuz in my living room

Tim: war sacrifice - higher taxes?

McCain: ok this is simple when yur in the GOP you can vote against tax cuts but you can never never ever ever vote to repeal tax cuts because that's "RAISING TAXES"

Tim: oh i see but law and economics sez its all fungible

McCain: sorry i went to Annapolis not teh University of Chicago

Tim: what did they teach you there

McCain: high government spending is very very bad except for military spending which doesn't count

Tim: oh that's very clever so whats the solution

McCain: bridge to nowhere blah blah

Tim: thats bullshit

McCain: ha ha ha

Tim: why do u keep laughing

McCain: its teh nervous habit

Tim: abortion!

McCain: fetuses are teh base of our party

Tim: rove v wade

McCain: we have to have a culture of human rights for uteruses of America

Tim: Citizenship for uteruses?

McCain: maybe white Americans could adopt them i have adopted several myself

Tim: Ethanol?

McCain: i like sugar in my coffee

Tim: what about cream

McCain: once u go black u never go back

Tim: Iowa caucuses caused u to change yur mind?

McCain: i can't respond to that - i am so pure the idea that i would pander has shocked me into silence

McCain: my energy level is great

Russert: dood you could not have shown less energy in this interview if you had been a potted plant

McCain: i hiked the grand canyon like William Henry Harrison

Russert: dood he died


The McLaughlin Group - May 13, 2007

The McLaughlin Group - May 13, 2007


McLaughlin: US economy bad!

Jay Carney: teh ARM loans turned out to be a bad idea who knew

Freeland: god forbid John Edwards be right but yeah he's right

Tony Blankely: dood we have full employment of shitty jobs but with global warming and disasters home repair stocks are up

Maria Bartiromo: wages for hot-looking tv achors are going up

McLaughlin: Paulson?

Bartiromo: He sez Vietnamese stocks are doing well

McLaughlin: why no foreign investment in U.S.?

Carney: inequality is at all time mid-blowing highs which helps Democrats

Bartiromo: protectionism is bad - Dubai should be allowed to buy U.S. ports whats the harm

Freeland: foreigners think people in American don't like them i wonder where they got that idea

McLaughlin: SOX bad?

Carney: no they're in first place

McLaughlin: no stoopid Sarbanes-Oxley

Bartiromo: Paulson didn't really attack Sox

Carney: dood i resent that i'm as smart as Alan Greenspan

Freeland: why is money so cheap?

Blankley: i agree with Jay - Greenspan is teh man but i'm smart too

Maria: no recession

McLaughlin: Dems tough on Iraq whats up

Bartiromo: Dems are with the people

Blankely: polls says teh people wants to pull out even more than the Dems

Carney: Parliament long vacation would change the conversation at the American kitchen table

McLaughlin: The Iraqi parliament can't agree on anything

Iraqi VP: dood government is hard

Blankley: turns out bombing the shit out of Iraq did not turn it into a democratic paradise so we need a new parliament

Freeland: everyone is trying to blame that bad lazy iraqis

Carney: u can't travel within the Green Zone without flak jackets

McLaughlin: Afghanistan has become a total horror show is this because we have stressed the military

Carney: i dunno but it seems logical

Blankely: oh no this kind of thing happens all the time

Maria: its a tragedy

Freeland: this is insane we're supposed to be there to liberate these people not kill them

Blankley: [whiny voice] we killed a lot of French in WWII


Hardball, May 11, 2007

Hardball, May 11, 2007


Matthews: Iraqi parliament wants us to leave

Eugene Robinson: so why dont we leave

Matthews: its almost like we invaded

Brownstein: amazing that Dems are showing backbone it blows my mind

Matthews: bush isn't afraid of nuttin' - hes like teh cowardly lion

Tumulty: yeah

Matthews: bush is teh commander in chief - he needs no more power - the toothpaste is out of teh tubes

Tumulty: um yeah

Matthews: hes like Harry Truman he wants David McCullough to write a book about maybe call it Loserman

Robinson: he will never give in

Brownstein: Rudy is teh federalist

Matthews: hes jeffersonian - but will the crazies buy it

Tumulty: california is key to this strategy that’s where Rudy can win

Brownstein: no your wrong they're all wingnuts in Orange County

Matthews: i miss that show - that guy was hot

Robinson: calm down dood u still have one tree hill

Matthews: yeah

Robinoson: if abortion is murder why is it ok in California and not Montana

Lisa Myers: witness sez Governor of Nevada Jim Gibbons took bribes

Matthews: whats his evidence

Myers: dood saw teh briefcase full of money and casino chips

Matthews: buy maybe it was only singles

Myers: these were hundreds

Matthews: ok does he have an ax to grind

Myers: hes telling teh truth

Matthews: how can i tell if how old an an e-mail is

Myers: dood thats a science

Matthews: yur teh best

Miklaszewski: general Mixon was blunt - he said were not making any progress in iraq 60 deaths in diayla in 2007

Matthews: dood

Miklaszewski: he needs reinforcements its teh classic story of an empire trying to sieze territory thats not theirs

Matthews: yeah

Miklaszewski: we win in one area and teh insurgents move somewhere else

Matthews: well we always have teh iraqi government

Miklaszewski: oh i forgot Mixon sez they suck

Matthews: so we cant win

Miklaszewski: well militarily of course we need to cross our fingers and hope the iraqi government will solve every problem by September

Matthews: but Bush will just hold some stoopid press conference in September announcing victory is just around teh corner

Miklaszewski: dood its too late the iraqi government is so fucked up they wont even pretend to try

Matthews: its a revoltin’ development im quoting some stoopid cartoon from like 50 years ago

Ron Christie: we GOPers have been pushing for responsibility in Iraq for a long time - oh let me mention al qaeda

Robinson: dood u make me wish i wasn't black

Christie: im here, im weird, get used to it

Robinons: Shiites are going to piss on sunnis because they can

Matthews: Iraqi parliament 2 month vacation in France

Christie: for goodness sake they need to step it up -- u know they asked us to invade and greeted us as liberators the least they could do vote Republican

Matthews: oh shut up

Christie: support our troops and vote GOP

Robinson: what the fuck is victory anyway

Matthews: if they weren't brown we wouldn't be there

Matthews: and we're back with Michael Baschloss -- dood do any of they current candidates have the ability to give me a man-crush

Beschloss: u need more than testosterone u need judgement look at LBJ

Matthews: he wuz watching Patton

Beschloss: JFK supported the civil rights bill because blacks were rioting

Matthews: so what

Beschloss: but also he showed courage Dems lost the South

Matthews: Reagan sat down with Gorby

Beschloss: funny story - he though Gorby wuz Jack Benny

Matthews: will David McCullough write a book about Bush saying hez a hero

Beschloss: hell be dead first

Matthews: buy Beschloss's book for yur mother then she'll never call you again

Matthews: and we're back with a guy bashing Bush on teh war -- we were promised cheap gas dammmit

Hormats: yeah teh bush administration lied

Matthews: gee im shocked

Hormats: it was teh inconceivable

Matthews: so did we even try to get some $$$ from iraq

Hormats: dood unless u take rubble as currency i think you’re outta luck

Matthews: well i am from Philly

Hormats: u know Preznits used to tell teh truth about cost and sacrifice

Matthews: i miss FDR and WWII

Hormats: yeah bush hasn't even tried to get Americans involved in this war

Matthews: i beginning to think this war was a mistake

The McLaughlin Group, May 6, 2007

The McLaughlin Group, May 6, 2007

Pat Buchanan: Pelosi and Reid are going to cave in

Clift: Bush is going to have to cave himself on something

Freeland: in the debate GOP all agreed that war is a disaster

Blankley: i'm very concerned about the democrats and they might not stick with the lefties

Clift: surge will fail in September

McLaughlin: May 2007 is the big turning point

Buchanan: no September is

Clift: Pat Buchanan is right, September is it and Maliki government is teh suck

Blankely: this is all phony Eleanor is right because remember Democrats want America to fail

McL: how do we jigger reality

John McLaughlin: Reagan-love what's up

Buchanan: Reagan was the best senile bad actor as President we've ever had

McL: who won the debate

Pat Buchanan: Romney won - Rudy lost

Clift: it was teh Gong Show these guys could not suck any more

Pat: ha ha you're right

Clift: three of them don't even believe in evolution

Pat: no Four!!! ha ha ha

Blankely: these guys are in plenty in touch with American people

CLift: the earth is not 6,000 days old dood

Blank: i'm talking about terrorism Eleanor you belong to a liberal anti-american cult

Clift: i'm laughing at your petty insults

Blank: Politico asked a bunch of liberal questions

McLaughlin: Winner was Ron Paul

McL: Is there a hex on Wolfie - he wrecked American defense and now the World Bank

Blankley: he should be fired we can't support this petty corruption even though i luv he big lug

Pat: i hate him he should be fired

Clift: amen

Blankely: u can't frame a guilty man in other words he should be fired

McLaughlin: yep


Pat Buchanan: Sarkozy wins

WSJ writer: Rupert will buy the Wall St. Journal

Clift: Tommy Thompson will drop out

McLaughlin: Imus will be back!


Meet The Press, May 6, 2007

Meet The Press, May 6, 2007

Russert: Slam-Dunk how are you this morning

Tenet: thats not my name

Tim: Should I call you Slammy?

Tenet: I prefer Mr. Dunk

Tim: ok Dunky Cheney sez Bush invaded Iraq because you told him to

Tenet: we believed Saddam had teh weapons and we were wrong - but Bush would have invaded anyway

Timmy: that may be true but you weren't the pizza delivery boy

Tenet: No that was Andy Card

Timmy: you were teh head of the CIA!

Tenet: dood Bush wasn't skeptical one minute and a believer the next you're being snowed yet again

Tim: Dunk-man why were you helping to market the war?

Tenet: i had to be there every step of the way to prevent the white house from lying and manipulating the intelligence the Powell speech the White House wrote was full of lies

Russert: Slammy, you thought the war was quote crazy - did you crazy like a "wow a crazy-good idea" or ‘crazy’ like “whoa dood this Bush guy is craaaaazy?”

Slam Dunk: i thought it was a bad idea but i didn't have strong feelings about it - if i had said anything i would been dwelling the realm of policy and what do i know - its not like i was the PR man for a baseball team

Russert: so 3,300 americans dead, middle east civil war, 100,000 iraqis dead, US national security in peril….

Tenet: i'm not a hero here

Tim: so Slammy, Cheney was going around lying

Tenet: well u should really read my book - but yeah that was my fault

Tim: But Dunk everyone was lying

Tenet: i'm not perfect

Tim: they said we know where the weapons are

Salmmy: i was very busy that week i was trying to lose weight and American Idol was having a good season

Russert: mushroom cloud?

Dunky: i thought Bush was ordering a pizza

Russert: r u an enabler

Tenet: well they aren't very able, so no

Timmy: u got everything wrong

Tenet: was everything right? no

Timmy: nice pink tie - message?

SlamDunk: im coming out

Tim: gay?

Slam: no just anti-Bush - its very cathartic

Timmster: British sez we fixed intelligence and lied about al-qaeda

Slam-Dunk: true but in our subconscious we didn't think that - that was only what I wrote in an official letter to Congress

Russert: Your report deceived the American people

TenetSlam: i didn't cook the books i would say rather we served the lies cold like that Klingon proverb

Tim: Blaming Saddam for 9/11

Tenet: hey i told Bush and Cheney that was crap what am i supposed to do - have them mouths taped shut

Tim: dood that would have helped

Slammy: i took the 16 words out of a Bush speech and they kept getting put back in

Tim: in Cinncinati

Slam: yeah

Tenet: it was my fault i never read or saw Bush's state of the union speech - i was the designated cabinet member to watch the 'Friends' finale that night

Rusert: where did the Niger thing come from?

Slam Dunk: i have no idea but it rhymes with Chick Deney

Tim: Colin Powell lied

Tenet: yeah i let him down

Russert: let me read preemptively from a letter sent to us from Richard Perle which we never usually do except for neocon nuts

Russert: dood i got the day wrong but Perle is still crazy

Timmeh: June of 2001 - Osama is about to attack

Tenet: yarp

Temeh: July of 2001 briefer sez ‘they're coming here’

Slam Dunk: it had no texture

Timmeh: words like "spectacular", ‘bin laden determined to attack’….

Dunk: yeah I remember that summer teh Yankess and Sox were in a tight race

Tim: u rode in Bush's pickup truck - did the subject of terror ever come up

Slammy: you can go back a look and say we could have done more really it's Bil Clinton's fault

Tim: But Bill Clinton stopped attacks

Slammy: see that's what i talking about he makes us all look bad by being so successful

Russert: Franks, Bremer, Tenet all got the medal of Medal of Freedom - that’s a trifecta of stupid

Slam: i will not give it back - i got it on behalf of other people

Russert: terrorists with nukes?

Salm: we should move heaven & earth

Russert: except for AQ Kahn

Slammy: Khaaaaaaaann!!!!!

Rusert: do u even know what day it is?

Dunk: Sept 12

Timmeh: dood we’re done


The Chris Matthews Show, May 6, 2007

The Chris Matthews Show, May 6, 2007


Matthews: are teh GOP stuck

Borger: how do u ask for a 3d term when people hate u???

DuffMan: i still think GOP will do the right thing and get sensible on Iraq in six months

Parker, WaPo: on Labor Day they will see reality

Ignatius: let me continue the fantasy that McCain will change his mind in September

Borger: doods what is yur obsession with September

Ignatuius: the moon will be in teh 7th house

Matthews: is 100 dead too much

Ignatius: 50 dead in one day would be like Tet

Matthews: Iran war -- what's the tripwire can we stop yet another war in the middle east???

Parker: not unless Iran endorses the GOP in 2008

Matthews: but that probably won't happen

Panel: Mitt won the debate

Borger: he was best in show he had everything we want in a President -- he was glib

Parker: yes he was funny i liked it when he said Chris Matthews was full of crap

Matthews: i liked Rudy teh fascist but he didn't blow any trumpets i was bummed

Ignatius: Presidential candidates who believe adam and eve rode dinosaurs to church is very amusing heh heh

Panel: Fred Thompson Rocks!!

Matthews: whats up the with Internets and blogospheres

[shows mocking videos]

Matthews: whoa!

Matthews: why did Tenet not bring Osama info to Bush in August of 2001

Ignatius: dood in 2001 he was trying to bond with Bush he was walking on eggshells he hacked some brush in Texas but he still hadn't gotten a nickname

Borger: the administration cherry-picked

Matthews: they lied

Borger: he wasn't in teh "In Crowd" -- they would all party after school and they didn't invite Tenet - he was at home playing with his CIA toys

Matthews: thats sad

Duffy: then they hung him out to dry

Matthews: whoa mean girlz


Sunday, May 06, 2007

Republican Debate - May 3, 2007

Republican Debate
MSNBC, Thursday, May 3

*** Not An Exact Transcript ***

Chris Matthews: hi im chris mathews ronald reagan had those great tv commericals with that guy from ernest & julio gallo wines Guiliani yur italian i'm sure you know them

Matthews: - Rudy how do make it mourning in america?

Rudy: I'm an optimist i dream we can live in a ferret-free america

McCain: my friends im hiding behind the troops - in Florida people cheer when we surrender thats bad

Matthews: ok

McCain: books have been written

Tommy Gun: first, we should plaster our cars with yellow magnets -- second we should give 1/3 of all children in Iraq a gallon of oil

Duncan Hunter: we should back out of Iraq slowly

Romney: we could have a tv set run the country, but what about commerical breaks - i mean get real ronald reagan was in the movies not tv

Moderator: thats true

Romney: iran and our friends could take our oil in Iraq away from us

Matthews: how do we win if there are so many kids who hate us who grow up to want to kill Americans

Brownback: i love moderate freedom-loving regimes like Egypt and Pakistan

Matthews: i like turkey

Brownback: who doesn't especially with gravy

Matthews: its delicious

Brownback: we have to engage Michael Jordan hes not weak

Huckabee: Bush is clearly a moron but why listen to gay man with a silk tie when you can hear a man with mud on face and blood on his feet its a big disgrace

Moderator: yur quoting Queen

Huckster: dood we will rock u

Gilmore Girl: we got distracted by that spot on Gorbachev's head in 1989 and forgot Reagan smuggled weapons to Osama bin Laden

Ron Paul: doods you are all crazy

McCain: [humming barbara ann] Iran is a totally great threat -- almost equal to Nancy Pelosi -- wait what was I saying oh right democracy and freedom and iraq i mean iraq..

Matthews: stop talking dood - what the Iran tripwire?

McCain: my greatest fear is Iran re-gifting a nuclear bomb

Matthews: yeah like on Seinfeld

McCain: he was jewish you know

Chris Matthews: speaking of jews Tancredo what's up

Tancredo: i luv Israel - 12th iman is ok but 13 is an unlucky number - a threat to israel is a threat to the United states

Matthews: dood you're weird

Rudy: teh Iranians looked into Reagan's eyes and panicked and returned teh hostages - they were afraid he would make another movie

Romney: teh Democrats are all hung up on Osama bin Laden - look this is an effort to bring down teh united states -- sure they start with boxcutters but they work their way up to knives and nunchucks dood

McCain: i will follow osama to teh gates of hell - i feel like i'm there right now

Matthews: foreign born yes or no

McCain: i dodge the question

Everyone else: no fucking way

Moderator: Rudy blacks yes or no

Rudy: look i treated whites just as bad as i treated blacks but you never hear about that

Tommy: i like the boy scout rule - we're stweards of teh earth and gay people are bad

Moderator: organ donations?

Tancredo: i hate disease but you're suggesting growing people in test tubes like frankenstein and no he was jewish you know

Paul: George Bush sux

Rudy: i will be the only one to speak for Roe v wade - that's pretty smart in a crowd of 10 dood

Tancredo: when a fetus can run for President it will be the greatest day in American history, second only to teh Little Big Horn

Romney: i want to apologize for being pro-life

Moderator: huh?

Romney: look dood when i realized massachusetts was cloning people i changed my mind

Brownback: I Love Jesus

Rudy: i hate abortion did you know my mother almost aborted me or so she told me last year

Matthews: i'm a cabdriver sum yourself up

McCain: this is about good vs. evil and i know all about that i'm old not senile dammitt blah blah blah

Matthews: damm stop talking

Tancredo: YARP!

Huckabee: Chris, you look very handsome tonight

Matthews: thanx

Huckabee: when a hiker gets a lost we find then a - muslim would pray to mecca that will never work

Paul: brown people don't pose a threat doods

Moderator: gays yes or no

Tompson: [stunned silence]

Matthews: Mitt - Speak to Catholics

Mitt: In "Battlefield Earth" they united to defeat a great enemy i hope to emulate that example

Huckabee: clearly Mitt belongs to a freak-ass religion

Mitt: dood

Huckabee: magic underwear, golden plates, u want me to go on

Mitt: no, point taken

Brownback: i once met Liberman - he's a jew i couldn't see his horns he must have long hair or something

Matthews: i'm a cabdriver - sum yourself up

McCain: this is about good vs. evil and i know all about that -- i'm old not senile dammitt blah blah blah

Matthews: damm stop talking

Tancredo: YARP!

Huckabee: Chris, you look very handsome tonight

Matthews: thanx

Huckabee: when a hiker gets a lost we find them - a muslim would pray to Mecca - that will never work

Paul: brown people don't pose a threat doods

Moderator: gays yes or no

Thompson: [stunned silence]

Matthews: Mitt - Speak to Catholics

Mitt: In "Battlefield Earth" they united to defeat a great enemy i hope to emulate that example

Huckabee: clearly Mitt belongs to a freak-ass religion

Mitt: dood

Huckabee: magic underwear, golden plates, u want me to go on

Mitt: no, point taken

Brownback: i once met Liberman a fucking jew i couldn't see his horns he must have long hair or something

Matthews: Rove yes or no

Gilmore: look karl rove is such a bad dancer that i wouldn't employ him

Matthews: you're all flailing

Tancredo: i used to like rove until i found out his great great grandfather was a dirty norweigan

Rudy: my father was italian

Tancredo: dirty wop!!

Rudy: one more word and i will have a plunger shoved up your ass

Tancredeo: im sorry

Matthews: Tommy why should we vote for u

Tommy: i have a blue tie

Moderator: Why is teh GOP so corrupt?

Brownback: dont forget teh one democrat with the $$ in his freezer

Moderator: ur reaching

Brownback: the reason Abramoff corrupted Congress is Don Imus, Rap Music and Abortion

Tancredo: im an extremist just like ronald reagan

Matthews: yeah but he was so handsome and ur ugly

Tancredo: ooh harsh dood

McCain: i knew a lot of drunken sailors - there was that one night I’d rather not talk about

Matthews: yur out of time but i'd love to hear teh end of that story

McCain: destroyer- i mean aircraft carrier - eh whatever

Moderator: Huck - if the Iraq War was a movie would give it an Oscar

Huckee: dood this is only teh middle of the movie if we had judged Titanic by that standard u would say it sucked

Moderator: it did suck

Huck: yeah but u had to wait til the end to find out

Rudy: i encouraged madonna and angelia jolie to adopt teh babies and abortion went down 50 percent

Moderator: racism yes or no

Thomson: i will stamp out racism and will take a business-oriented approach so i will put a jew in charge i wont welsh on it or gyp you

Moderator: dood

Thomspson: dont get your irish up otherwise or we wont have a chinaman's chance of succeeding

Moderator: women are teh fastest growing prisoners

Gilmore: i would leave this up to someone else -- i will take a lot naps as President like Reagan

Matthews: i'm having fun

Moderator: ur the only one

Mitt: nuclear transer is teh awesome

Matthews: no i said cloning

Mitt: dood Dr. Hobarts Method is the best

Brownback: Stem Cells it teh murder!

Panel: with all due respect to Nancy Reagan i luv little tiny embryos

McCain: i was a POW and i ate frozen embryos for a year to survive

Rudy: we paved the roads in New York City with frozen embryos was it wrong? i don't know but it worked

Mitt: My health care plan is Faaaaaaaaabulousss!!!!!

Moderator: but is it communist?

Mitt: no not HillaryCare - it's so darn exiiiiiiiting!

Brownback: I would like to kill someone behind a barn with a dull ax

Moderator: dood calm the fuck down

Gilmore: car tax bad!

Huckabee: i will get rid of the IRS and move to a consumption tax

Moderator: sure now that you've lost all that weight

Thompson: i'm excited about this race because i was Governor of Wisconsin and i would do anything to get the fuck out of there

McCain: flatter fairer tax

Paul: in my world the sky is a kind of crimson with a touch of mauve

Rudy: death tax -- when it goes to zero in 2011 we're going to have great incentive to kill your elderly relatives call it teh Anna Nicole phenomenon

Matthews: that baby is teh cute

Tancredo: what's wrong with killing relatives if they are hispanic

Moderator: name a good democrat

McCain: Lieberman

Moderator: i said Democrat not fascist

Moderator: evolution yes or no

McCain: no

Moderator: who else

Huckabee: adam and eve had a pet dinosaur like on the Flintstones

McCain: when i stand on the grand canyon i feel teh hand of god also flashbacks to Vietnam

Moderator: what's your greatest weakness

Rudy: i have no weaknesses

Brownback: he's eye-taaaalian

Huckabee: i hate greedy CEOs

Moderator: dood u r a Republican aren't u?

Paul: i trust the Internets - i luv freedom

Rudy: fences, id card, s rounding up immigrants, is cool and shit but why not just have teh brown people pay taxes

Mitt: yeah i agree -- foreigners were let in for teh Olympics but that went ok - they all went home

Paul: No ID cards!

Matthews: do you favor a law saying you have to be who you say you are

Tancredo: huh?

McCain & Rudy: only Aliens like ET would have to have an id card

Matthews: ok Alien what about Predator?

Brownback: my goodness what has this country come to when a white christian can't misremember now and then

Tancredo: i would make it legal for border guards to shoot people

Brownback: Terry was alive and in fact in better shape than Sen. Imhofe

McCain: in retrospect we blew it

Rudy: i would have put Terry Schiavo in Madame Tussauds and charged tickets

Matthews: Should we just have Bill Clinton back?

Brownback: Hillary killed Vince Foster

Gilmore: she’s a socialist

Huckabee: i had sex with Hillary

Tommy Thompson: i'm teh cleanup hitter

McCain: look at me i kind of sort of pro-life

Rudy: 9/11 is Hillary's fault -- none of the Dems said the word Islamic

Moderator: Sum up!

Hunter: teh chineeeseee!

Tancredo: Ben Franklin said...

Matthews: shut teh fuck up

Thompson: educational diplomacy

Rudy: 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11