Republican Debate in South Carolina - May 14, 2007

Republican Debate in South Carolina - May 14, 2007
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Our contestants tonight include a methodist, a couple of baptists, a catholic who's been married three times, a kansan with 5 children, and a mormon whose hobbies include scientology, magic underwear and sculpting his hair.

Let's get to it!

Brit Hume: Iraq

McCain: read Osama bin Laden's new book - seriously, it's good it lays out of lot of good ideas on how take over iraq

Thompson (Tommy, not Fred): dood i studied for this debate look i even memorized how many soliders have been killed

Hume: yeah but that over an hour ago

Thompson: damm

Mitt: i'm here tonight to project success not failure look dood all teh muslims are all united the sunni and shiia and buddhist want to bring down the united states government

Chris Wallace: wow

Brownback: we're losing because of liberal bloggers aren't behind teh war - dood harry reid has stabbed us all in the back

Wallace: solution

Brownback: teh Articles of Confederation were great we should try it in iraq

Wallace: how evil are democrats

Guiliani: they're the worst evilness in teh history of warfare

Wallace: will tehy follow us here

Rudy: dood thank god in Fort Dix teh FBI caught that guy they sent to those doods to offer to sell them machine guns

Tancredo: dood should we have constabulary force

Wallace: no because this isn't 18th century london dood

Tancredo: as president i will make no decisions but i will cheer teh troops as they are killed

Ron Paul: dood i tried to offer a declaration of war in 2002 and guess what the hawks said no

Wallace: Reagan was the best

Paul: Reagan turned and ran cause he found out the Middle East was not in the hollywood hills

Duncan Hunter: one of us will be commander in chief in a few months

Wallace: dood do u know something we dont

Huckabee: i dont know much about foreign policy but i will get good advice like from jesus

Lorelei Gilmore: we have no choice now but offer very strong empty platitudes on Iran - next thing you know Egypt will get the bomb and then maybe Israel

Moderator: dood yur "flip flop mitt"

Romney: read my hair no new taxes

Mod: i like it

Romney: im going to cut unnecessary waste and spending

Mod: wow never head that before

McCain: if we dont keep teh tax cuts all the little farmers will have to recalculate and they're not too smart

Mod: dont repeate the drunker sailor story dood

McCain: oh yes i will u cant stop me

Mod: dood way to prove yur not senile

Huckabee: Americans are not smart enough to know the taxes they're paying we spend like John Edwards at a beauty shop

[huge crowd reaction]

Rudy: dood i tamed teh evil liberal black hispanic gay nyc and i can do it DC - also i would fire 50% of all federal workers u can get yur mail once a week

Brownback: dood i drive a hybrid can u imagine a Republican saying that proudly a few years ago let me thrown in a stoopid joke about my teenage daughter

Mod: dood thats cold

Thompson: im the veto king

Mod: name three federal things yu would cut

Thompson: i cant

Paul: look at what we can cut FEMA for example

Mod: Yikes

Paul: dood we're borrowing from the Chinese

Mod: dood did u just say u would eliminate Homeland Security in a time of war?!

Paul: yeah why not

Hunter: its sad we dont even make bombs anymore

Tancredo: i can't believe what im hearing all these doods are guilty of all the big spending the federal government should do nothing but defense of teh country

Hume: thanx time for a commerical break - and mr Tancredo its time for yur medication

Wallace: john edwards is teh looser

Gilmore: Mitt and Rudy are big phonies

Wallace: dood you supported gays, gun control, and Maaaarioooo Cuooomooo

Rudy: look i may be really weird but Hillary is going to boil xian babies in the white house

Wallace: answer my question r u teh phony

Rudy: George Will likes me

Wallace: ted kennedy is yur BFF

McCain: dood he has an awesome yacht and teh best liquor cabinet ive ever seen

Wallace: ok

McCain: look i wouldn't trust Lorelei over there to feed my cat much less take down Osama

Huckabee: yeah i raised taxes but dood the Supreme Court told me to

Wallace: what a wimp

Mitt: sure i acted liberal but trust me deep down im a trogdolyte Massachusetts is so blue its black

Wallace: okaaay

Brownback: teh problem with illegal immigration is that people come in teh country illegally

[ding ding]

Thompson: we invented frozen embryos in teh vast frozen tundra of Wisconsin

Rudy: there are millions of americans who make teh choice of abortion and u have to respect that in a democracy

Huckabee: the fact that when a sperm and egg meet they create a person in the central fact of being an american and that's why were go looking for boy souts and put miners in defective mines which al qaeda would never do

Brownback: let me point to my fictional uterus to argue that embryos are beautiful children of a loving god wow im tearing up

Romney: ive always loved the little fetuses but was pro-choice but then the gays and liberals in massachusetts started proposing rack upon rack of human farms i changed my mind

Mod: wow dood are u sure that wasn't an L Ron Hubbard book

McCain: we're really close to an immigration bill heck im from Arizona its illegals central

Mitt: the beauty of my plan is that it makes no sense at all

Wallace: i dont follow

Mitt: no one can criticize it its faaaabulous

McCain: dood yur a flip-flopper

Mitt: poopyhead

Rudy: im not soft on anything im running as a fascist

Mod: what's the answer

Rudy: a big fence and make every immigrant deal with the DMV

Hunter: we should build a big fence and then another bigger one behind that one

[ applause ]

Ron Paul: i come from the strong line of isolationists in teh republican party

Mod: but 9/11 9/11 9/11

Paul: dood why do u think 9/11 happened because we're always up in their business and their face

Rudy: hes saying that america invited the 9/11 attacks and that's terrible now u take that back

[thunderous applause]

Paul: dood we overthrew teh Shah they dont hate us for our freedom they wanted us to go to iraq so they could kill americans and guess what we did and they are

Rudy: may i go over there and punch him

Mod: no

Rudy: fuck

Mod: confederate flag

[audience boos ]

McCain: fuck you

Tancredo: for every scientist who sez global warming theres one who sez there isn't - oh and i just wanted to say to ron paul that its part of the islamic religion to attack america

Hume: when we come back we play "24"

Brit Hume: wow ok here's a really really detailed fictional disaster scenario but the real question is would u torture a prisoner

McCain: yes i would but we should never do it because we do not torture - u know i was tortured its about america - read teh army field manual its all in there

Hume: dood if you don't say u favor torture i will toss you off this stage right now

[throws pen down angily]

Guiliani: i would tell teh interrrogators to let their imaginations go wild

[ wild applause ]

Romney: i would deny them lawyers in fact i would double the size of Gitmo its faaaaaaabulous

Hume: dood tone it down

Hume: imagine a nightmare scenario in teh Dark Continent

Thompon: Colin Powell is black u know and if there is a country anywhere hostile to us if they're brown we should kill them!

Brownback: not only would i not go to the U.N. for authorization i would bomb Africa and then i would bomb the U.N.

Hunter: yur all wimps i would start torturing liberals then random people then the detainees in Gitmo

Gilmore: i would go to the U.N but just to tell them to fuck off

McCain: jesus christ yur all wannabe heroes

[applause]

Hume: what if a shopping center was hit

Romney: oh nooooooo!!!!

Hume: will no one here take my hint and declare marital law and outlaw the Democratic party???

Huckabee: lets use the word murder and sacrifice

Paul: if america was attacked again i would cut spending

Hume: ok

Paul: terms like 'enhanced interrogation technique' are Orwellian

Tancredo: okay i am just really freaking out right now listening to this you're all acting like this is fictional - i would tell Jack Bauer to throw the Constitution out the window because we are teh last best hope of western civilization

Hume: no more questions for u

Wallace: ok i am going to give u a really really really easy question do u wish there were more minorities voting Republican?

Gilmore: no fuck 'em if they can't be bothered to join teh GOP

Romney: i luv school testing and kids luv it too - thats civil rights

Hunter: China is buying weapons designed to kill Americans!!!!

Hume: Well thats it i want to thank all the candidates for scaring the shit out of everyone tonight - good night now im going to go hide under my bed

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