Republican Presidential Debate - December 12, 2007

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Republican Presidential Debate
December 12, 2007
Des Moines, Iowa
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Washburn: Hi, I'm Carolyn Washburn, and I will hosting this debate under water

Washburn: America is in fiscal freefall -- go!

Rudy: we need to fire half the federal workforce and the answer to debt is to reduce taxes which would be a major boost of revenue to the government

Hunter: we have an 800 billion trade loss to Communist China those little yellow doods are cheating we must eliminate them

Ron Paul: we spend, borrow and tax too much -- the dollar has dropped 10% while i have finished this sentence

Tancredo: we should stop importing oil from brown people and people with crazy religions

Fred Thompson: the fucking chinese hate us and lend us money and george bush has bankrupted this country

Host: what's the answer?

Thompson: re-elect the Republicans

Romney: [powers up]

let's not wring our hands -- the future is bright the answer is good jobs, schools, and health care.

Host: wow that's bold

Huckabee: we can only be free if we can put food on our people, power ourselves and manufacture guns - otherwise we're enslaved

Host: wow slavery that sounds bad

Hucker: let mah people go

McCain: we're on a spending spree but since we can't raise taxes i will fund a Manhattan project to build a city like Manhahttan but here in America

Rudy: government is spending too much this has nothing to do with Americans - it's all about Washington D.C.

Host: wow that's scary where did they come from

Rudy: i dream of America free of washington dc and black people

Host: what's your answer

Rudy: no government medicine or nannies let people shop around for the health care they want

Host: wow that's bold

Rudy: i love boldness

Host: Ron any need for sacrifice?

Paul: there is no need for sacrifice we just pull troops from every one of the 130 countries we are in dammit!

Huckabee: kill the snake!

Host: huh?

Huckabee: americans should lose weight

Host: can we afford to run a deficit?

Romney: no need to make that choice - just eliminate parts of the federal government

Host: which ones?

Mitt: keep the aircraft carriers lose the anti-teen pregnancy programs

Host: w00t!

Tanfeardo: honestly if you think about it we should stop everything but keep federal defense but let's not build a bubble around people with womb to tomb care

Host: ewww

Thompson: we should build more bridges and have a bigger military but we can keep entitlement programs while making money know and that's very brave of me to say

Host: Taxes!?

Keyes: we should ritually sacrifice incumbent politicians they are phonies

McCain: low-income americans don't pay taxes

Host: payroll taxes?

McCain: never heard of 'em

Huckabee: repeal of all income taxes and have a national sales tax!

Mitt: i like teh middle class

Thompson: lucky duckies don't pay income taxes - oh poor rich people

Tancredo: repeal all taxes!

Paul: inflation is the worst tax of all its evil!

Hunter: all taxes are evil what are we wasting all those billions on????

Host: Iraq war, dumbass?

Hunter: no that's free

Rudy: we must reduce all taxes look i bought these magic beans in Washington Square park -- at least i think they're beans

McCain: i will ask every american to serve in teh military

Tancredo: Eeeeeeek!

Hunter: my son is in the middle east and i flew a jet and i built a wall between us and the brown horde

Paul: let's drop the fucking embargo against Cuba oh and we should print all money in gold coins

Mitt: hey i ran duane read which means i know how to deal with China

Host: jesus what kinds of pills were you selling

Mitt: a little lead won't kill you honey

Huckabee: i will eliminate all red tape - i will part it like Moses

Host: and if you're the nomineee the GOP will wander in teh wilderness for 40 years

McCain: i will sell iowa's farming crap to Vietnam - look I've been there i know their Commmissioner of agiculture he tortured me but we're buddies now

Rudy: heh sounds like fun -- look we are a nation of dreams i look on the abused third world as a bunch of potential customers like maybe an impoverished Rwandan village would like to buy a Boeing jet or see Ocean's 14

Host: what else

Rudy: free laptop?

Thompson: wtf is NAFTA?

Tancredo: fucking mexican trucks are coming here oh noes!!!

Hunter: NAFTA sucks - too brown for my taste

Paul: The Constitution is now used to restrain the people, control our wealth, police the world, and put devices in my teeth

Thompson: my number goal as president will be to kick ass all over the world and i will pretend to be a macho guy when elected

Host: show of hands - global warming

Thompson: fuck off

Host: what's you answer

Thompson: what part of 'fuck' or 'off' don't you understand filly

McCain: global warming is real and even it isn't we still leave a clean world is that so bad?

Rudy: yeah what he said

Host: what else

Rudy: Gore was right about everything

Hunter: it's all the animals fault

Rudy: thank god Republicans discovered this issue those liberals have fought us tooth and nail that's terrible

Mitt: the beauty of this we can clean the world but at the same time blame the third world and brown people for it's a win-win!!

Keyes: 5% of Americans have a serious mental illness who speaks for them but me??????

Thompson: hey i do too

Paul: what about me?

Keyes: phony politicans!

Paul: kettle - black dood

Huckabee: like McCain said we could leave a cleaner world but i like alternative energy if only we had a respected former vice president interested in this

Hunter: R&D d00ds!

Host: in what

Hunter: hydrogen we give incentives to private businesses

Host: you mean giveways

Tancredo: i like federal R&D but not government spending

Host: free swim!

Tancredo: the brown hoard is coming and they will take over the nation!!!!

Huckabee: people in america are looking for leaders - good, clean, white, thin, christian, non-mormon, wack-job leaders!

Host: American kids are dumb - discuss

McCain: simple - choice and competition among high schools let them fight over students - let the schools go to war if that's what it takes

Host: anything else

McCain: fire teachers and hire Mayor Bloomberg

Rudy: what kind of crazy person would have government schools run by the government

Host: solution?

Rudy: let people go to private school or home school if they want - then we will see a revolution

Host: but they can do that now stupid

Hunter: i saw this crazy movie in 1987 and we should base american policy on that

Host: dirty dancing?

Hunter: nobody puts Duncan in a corner

Romney: give good students a free four year collge education

Host: good luck with that

Huckabee: federal government should share data like keep a list of kids who are bored in high school

Host: um, that list would have 100 million people

Huckabee: teach art and music

Host: are you sure you are Republicans?

Keyes: can i talk?

Host: no crazy man

Keyes: i will throw a tantrum

Host: [sighs] go ahead looney

Keyes: NO ONE WILL LEARN SCIENCE WIHTOUT THE FLYING PASTA MONSTER OF JESUS!!!

HOST: [ sighs ] ron paul do you have anything?

Paul: all kids should be home schooled!!!!

Host: uh-huh

Thompson: the NEA is evil -- that's what Rush Limbaugh says

Host: i give up

Rudy: what kind of crazy person would have government schools run by the government

Host: [sighs] Tancredo - i'm afraid to ask

Tancredo: we have to fire all people in the education departments in all states and the federal government

Huckabee: that dood is crazy

Mitt: our students are stupid but not in taxachsetts!

Host: what's your goal as President?

Rudy: defeat the muslim horde, energy independence, cut taxes, and shrink goverment

Hunter: launch attacks on North Korea, Iran, China, and Mexico

Host: jeebus you are nuts

Paul: bring the troops home from Iraq, stop threatening Iran, turn the Navy around

Tancredo: attack all mexicans there and in this country too - also attack all muslims

Thompson: my first goal would be establish my credibility

Host: how?

Thompson: tell the people judges suck

Mitt: my goals are to go after Jihad, mexicans, and stay on track for taxes, on track for new energy, on track for health insurance for all

Host: dood your Hologram DVD is skipping

Huckabee: i will unite all America under a Banner of Christianity

McCain: Make Americans Safe in Cyberspace

Host: huh

McCain: just do whatever who gives a shit i hate running for president

Keyes: i would sign an executive order making all women handmaids, abolish all taxes, lock up all non-christians, and invade mexico

Host: yeah you are so much more credible than Kuninich - jeesus

Mitt: i want to say to the people of Iowa - i need you help! My son Josh has visited all 99 counties in Iowa and we don't know where the hell he is

Keyes: Arrrrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhh

Host: [ sighs ]

Rudy: we need an optimistic leader who is willing to bash some skulls

Host: are you a criminal Rudy

Rudy: ha ha ha ha

Host: whacko

Rudy: i'm a criminal what are you gonna do

Host: you remind me of Tony Soprano

Rudy: hey it was all like a bookkeeping error ya know

Keyes: you need to open about who you are - for example i completely insane but do you see me hiding it? No!

[ pirouettes, sings in high pitched voice]

Host: thanks so much

Romney: i like little fetuses now

Rudy: fuck Alan Keyes

Thompson: Grrrrrrrrrrrrr

host: would you care to expand on that

Fred: 2 years ago we thought Iran had nukes so we should only listen to the Israelis

Host: are you bananas

Fred: the NIE is only a piece of paper by a bureaucrat

Huckabee: i hate non christians

McCain: i hate radical islams

Huckabee: people who are poor should still get good health care

Host: ooh radical

Huckabee: founding fathers believed in equality so we should treat people equally

Keyes: Commie!

[ hops one foot ]

Romney: i was built by Noonian Singh in the same lab as Ronald Reagan - don't you want that back???

Hunter: sorry I'm so shocked by mitt's revelation that he's a robot that i forgot the question

Romney: please, the term is android dood

Host: Tancredo you are a wacko aren't you

Tancredo: it's simple we must never ever leave Iraq

Host: oh

Tancredo: but we should stop firing our guns

Host: speaking of crazy - Paul?

Paul: it's not my campaign it's my supporters it's a revolution beyond all party

McCain: i have more experience fucking over the american people than everyone here put together

Host: New Year's Resolution for an opponent!

Keyes: God sent me to do this interpretive dance

[ jumps up and down ]

McCain: fuck this shit

Romney: fuck Huckabee

Huckabee: fuck you

Thomspon: be a better lover to my young wife and father to my grandchild

Tancredo: kill more mexicans

Paul: destroy the Bilderberg group!

Hunter: Buy american

Rudy: i wake up every morning and say at least i'm not black so be grateful people of iowa

Host: and we are out of time [ sighs ]