Sunday, February 23, 2014

Meet the Press – February 23, 2014

Susan Rice – National Security Advisor
Richard Engel
Mark Potter
Michael Braun (Fmr. DEA Chief of Operations)
Judy Woodruff
Chis Matthews
David Brooks
Harry Smith
Mark Wells (Hockey Player)

Gregory: OMG the Olympics are
ending and Ukraine is in chaos!

Audience: yikes

Gregory: some say this is
just like the Cold War

Audience: who?

Gregory: Susan is Ukraine on
the brink of a civil war?

Rice: the President is missing

Gregory: have they looked everywhere?

Rice: we want to see a thriving
democracy that truly represents the
will of the people in Ukraine and
if it works there we'll try it here

Gregory: are we on the
side of the protesters?

Rice: we are on the side of the people!

Gregory: does the President have to go?

Rice: he has gone Fluffy

Gregory: but does Obama
want him to go?

Rice: do you see him anywhere?

Gregory: he says he won't resign

Rice: well he packed all his stuff and left

Gregory: look at this map –
Ukraine borders Russia – who knew?

Rice: I did
Gregory: did Obama tell Putin to “back off!”?

Rice: they both agreed it's
good for for there to be
peace in Ukraine

Gregory: but Putin kicks ass
and he even gave Ukraine money

Rice: everyone wants Ukraine
united and trading with both
Russia and Europe

Gregory: isn't this the Cold War?!

Rice: that's a dated perspective

Gregory: is this a good thing?
Does Obama like violent protests?

Rice: hey democracy is messy
but it's better than the alternative

Gregory: the American people don't
understand Ukraine but they do
understand that basically this is
about who's dick is bigger
Obama's or Putin's

Rice: heh

Gregory: just answer the question

Rice: we've worked with Russia
on Iran and trade but we also
differ on other issues

Gregory: no no no – when is
Obama going to point out his
body parts are larger!

Rice: Obama is very secure in his manhood

Gregory: Obama said Syria
is crumbling and Russia
is helping Assad

Rice: we're constantly looking
at our options

Gregory: okay

Rice: we want to see a peaceful
and unified government in Syria

Gregory: I'd like to find a
unicorn in lucky charms

Rice: dare to dream

Gregory: why don't we just
invade Syria already?

Rice: we're sending arms and food

Gregory: boooring

Rice: we got a resolution
through the Security Council –
that's a great achievement

Gregory: but President McCain
said we should invade Syria

Rice: he's an idiot

Gregory: you regret not invading Rwanda

Rice: look Democrats and Republicans
don't agree on much but no sane 
person wants U.S. soldiers in Syria

Gregory: well John McCain and
Lindsay Graham and I do

Rice: there you have it

Gregory: what is Obama's
foreign policy vision?

Rice: USA! USA!

Gregory: what else?

Rice: no more stupid wars

Gregory: go on

Rice: powerful diplomacy –
look at our success in Iran

Gregory: you don't worry about
whether Iran will keep their promises?

Rice: of course I do – but we're
making more progress on Iran
nukes than Bush ever did

Gregory: Benghazi!!

Rice: oy

Gregory: do you have any regrets?

Rice: no – I gave you the best
information we had

Gregory: I see

Rice: the information I gave you
came from the CIA and while it
wasn't accurate it wasn't false

Gregory: did it cost you the
job of Secretary of State?

Rice: probably

Gregory: are we going to catch
the killers of Benghazi?

Rice: yes – heck we recently
caught an old U.S. enemy in Libya

Gregory: what about Ukraine?

Rice: we want to work with
the IMF to 'help' Ukraine 'reform'

Gregory: is it all about the money?

Rice: damn right Fluffers

[ break ]

Gregory: Richard what's up in Kiev?

Engel: an arrest warrant has been
issued for the President

Gregory: wow

Engel: In one week 20,000 protesters
changed the balance of power
in Europe and Asia

Gregory: that's amazing

Engel: police were outmatched
and protesters pushed their advantage

Gregory: gosh

Engel: then the police quit and
protesters swarmed the palace

Gregory: golly

Engel: Putin must be terrified –
is this a Eurasian Spring?

[ break ]

Gregory: it's the Cold War!!

Matthews: let me talk about my
childhood in Philly

Gregory: I love you

Woodruff: you asked Rice
about the Cold War

Gregory: I know I was sitting here

Woodruff: the U.S. needs to work
with Russia on Iran but on the
other hand we must remember
the people of Ukraine

Gregory: this is really about Barack
Obama and whether he is a manly man

Brooks: that's kind of silly –
it's also about how large
Putin's penis is

Gregory: that's true

Brooks: actually Obama has
handed this crisis very well

Gregory: Josh Marshall mocked me
by saying “stop it” about the Cold War

Cooper: maybe he was talking
to Mitt Romney?

Gregory: I hope so

Cooper: remember Ukraine is
more important to Russia than America

Woodruff: true but Ukraine is a basket case

Brooks: this is a clash of civilizations!

Gregory: I like it!

Brooks: Russia will probably collapse

Gregory: is Obama a real man?

Matthews: more than you Fluffy

Gregory: Republicans won't touch
immigration reform and Democrats
won't do chained CPI

Brooks: those are good ideas
ruined by elections –
democracy is bad for America

Gregory: that is so true

Brooks: in the old days the
center would hold but now
the fringe is in charge

Matthews: that is so true –
the base of both parties are bad

Woodruff: both parties have gone
into the bunker – voters are just the worst

Gregory: I am required to mention
Rand Paul's accusations against
Bill Clinton once per episode

Woodruff: well all know that

Gregory: Lindsay Graham said nice
things about Hillary Clinton and
that's hurt him with primary voters
who think he's too liberal

Brooks: liberal? He impeached Clinton!

Gregory: LOL

Brooks: let's face it – Graham is one
of the best Senators in America

Gregory: yes he is

Brooks: do the voters want
a great Senator or an idiot

Gregory: tough call

Brooks: we always say D.C. is
dysfunctional but it's actually
the voters who suck

Matthews: Susan Rice was
right about Benghazi all along!

Gregory: but it's out there

Woodruff: that's right – but
the 2016 election is far away

Brooks: maybe Ted Nugent
will say something stupid

Woodruff: Maybe?

Gregory: they caught El Chapo!

Potter: this is like catching bin Laden

Braun: Chapo makes Al Capone
look like a boy scout

Gregory: wow!

Expert: he had 80% of the drugs
in this country including pot and
cocaine and meth

Gregory: he's the Heisenberg of Mexico

Potter: Forbes magazine named him
one of the richest men and Best Drug Dealer

Gregory: wow

Potter: he escaped from prison
in a laundry truck and he
became a legend

Gregory: not anymore

Potter: there could be more violence
as rivals try to take over his business

Gregory: how did they get him this time

Potter: they covered the back door

Gregory: brilliant

Gregory: Garrick Utley died –
he covered Vietnam and
even hosted Meet The Press

[ break ]

Smith: you beat the Soviet Union in 1980

Wells: it was elation

Smith: it was a vindication
of our way of life!

Smith: what was getting
that gold medal like?

Wells: I was the hero

Smith: after you had
terrible back pain

Smith: you sold your gold medal
that must have been hard

Wells: it was hard but that
memory will never go away

Smith: and now you're walking
and even skating again

Wells: yes – it's great

Smith: it's a second miracle on ice

[ break ]

Gregory: evil Russia won the most medals
what did you guys think of the games?

Brooks: the highlight of the games
was Shaun White losing well

Woodruff: all the women winning

Gregory: I'm all about the slopestyle!

Matthews: those crazy kids all
up in the air – it's crazy I tell you

Gregory: whatever happened to
all the terrorism the media was promised?

Cooper: better luck next time Fluffy

Gregory: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press

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