Guests:
Susan
Rice – National Security Advisor
Richard
Engel
Mark
Potter
Michael
Braun (Fmr. DEA Chief of Operations)
Judy
Woodruff
Chis
Matthews
David
Brooks
Harry
Smith
Mark Wells (Hockey
Player)
Gregory:
OMG the Olympics are
ending
and Ukraine is in chaos!
Audience:
yikes
Gregory:
some say this is
just
like the Cold War
Audience:
who?
Gregory:
Susan is Ukraine on
the
brink of a civil war?
Rice:
the President is missing
Gregory:
have they looked everywhere?
Rice:
we want to see a thriving
democracy
that truly represents the
will
of the people in Ukraine and
if
it works there we'll try it here
Gregory:
are we on the
side
of the protesters?
Rice:
we are on the side of the people!
Gregory:
does the President have to go?
Rice:
he has gone Fluffy
Gregory:
but does Obama
want
him to go?
Rice:
do you see him anywhere?
Gregory:
he says he won't resign
Rice:
well he packed all his stuff and left
Gregory:
look at this map –
Ukraine
borders Russia – who knew?
Rice:
I did
Gregory:
did Obama tell Putin to “back off!”?
Rice:
they both agreed it's
good
for for there to be
peace
in Ukraine
Gregory:
but Putin kicks ass
and
he even gave Ukraine money
Rice:
everyone wants Ukraine
united
and trading with both
Russia
and Europe
Gregory:
isn't this the Cold War?!
Rice:
that's a dated perspective
Gregory:
is this a good thing?
Does
Obama like violent protests?
Rice:
hey democracy is messy
but
it's better than the alternative
Gregory:
the American people don't
understand
Ukraine but they do
understand
that basically this is
about
who's dick is bigger
Obama's
or Putin's
Rice:
heh
Gregory:
just answer the question
Rice:
we've worked with Russia
on
Iran and trade but we also
differ
on other issues
Gregory:
no no no – when is
Obama
going to point out his
body
parts are larger!
Rice:
Obama is very secure in his manhood
Gregory:
Obama said Syria
is
crumbling and Russia
is
helping Assad
Rice:
we're constantly looking
at
our options
Gregory:
okay
Rice:
we want to see a peaceful
and
unified government in Syria
Gregory:
I'd like to find a
unicorn
in lucky charms
Rice:
dare to dream
Gregory:
why don't we just
invade
Syria already?
Rice:
we're sending arms and food
Gregory:
boooring
Rice:
we got a resolution
through
the Security Council –
that's
a great achievement
Gregory:
but President McCain
said
we should invade Syria
Rice:
he's an idiot
Gregory:
you regret not invading Rwanda
Rice:
look Democrats and Republicans
don't
agree on much but no sane
person wants U.S. soldiers in Syria
person wants U.S. soldiers in Syria
Gregory:
well John McCain and
Lindsay
Graham and I do
Rice:
there you have it
Gregory:
what is Obama's
foreign
policy vision?
Rice:
USA! USA!
Gregory:
what else?
Rice:
no more stupid wars
Gregory:
go on
Rice:
powerful diplomacy –
look
at our success in Iran
Gregory:
you don't worry about
whether
Iran will keep their promises?
Rice:
of course I do – but we're
making
more progress on Iran
nukes
than Bush ever did
Gregory:
Benghazi!!
Rice:
oy
Gregory:
do you have any regrets?
Rice:
no – I gave you the best
information
we had
Gregory:
I see
Rice:
the information I gave you
came
from the CIA and while it
wasn't
accurate it wasn't false
Gregory:
did it cost you the
job
of Secretary of State?
Rice:
probably
Gregory:
are we going to catch
the
killers of Benghazi?
Rice:
yes – heck we recently
caught
an old U.S. enemy in Libya
Gregory:
what about Ukraine?
Rice:
we want to work with
the
IMF to 'help' Ukraine 'reform'
Gregory:
is it all about the money?
Rice:
damn right Fluffers
[
break ]
Gregory:
Richard what's up in Kiev?
Engel:
an arrest warrant has been
issued
for the President
Gregory:
wow
Engel:
In one week 20,000 protesters
changed
the balance of power
in
Europe and Asia
Gregory:
that's amazing
Engel:
police were outmatched
and
protesters pushed their advantage
Gregory:
gosh
Engel:
then the police quit and
protesters
swarmed the palace
Gregory:
golly
Engel:
Putin must be terrified –
is
this a Eurasian Spring?
[
break ]
Gregory:
it's the Cold War!!
Matthews:
let me talk about my
childhood
in Philly
Gregory:
I love you
Woodruff:
you asked Rice
about
the Cold War
Gregory:
I know I was sitting here
Woodruff:
the U.S. needs to work
with
Russia on Iran but on the
other
hand we must remember
the
people of Ukraine
Gregory:
this is really about Barack
Obama
and whether he is a manly man
Brooks:
that's kind of silly –
it's
also about how large
Putin's
penis is
Gregory:
that's true
Brooks:
actually Obama has
handed
this crisis very well
Gregory:
Josh Marshall mocked me
by
saying “stop it” about the Cold War
Cooper:
maybe he was talking
to
Mitt Romney?
Gregory:
I hope so
Cooper:
remember Ukraine is
more
important to Russia than America
Woodruff:
true but Ukraine is a basket case
Brooks:
this is a clash of civilizations!
Gregory:
I like it!
Brooks:
Russia will probably collapse
Gregory:
is Obama a real man?
Matthews:
more than you Fluffy
Gregory:
Republicans won't touch
immigration
reform and Democrats
won't
do chained CPI
Brooks:
those are good ideas
ruined
by elections –
democracy
is bad for America
Gregory:
that is so true
Brooks:
in the old days the
center
would hold but now
the
fringe is in charge
Matthews:
that is so true –
the
base of both parties are bad
Woodruff:
both parties have gone
into
the bunker – voters are just the worst
Gregory:
I am required to mention
Rand
Paul's accusations against
Bill
Clinton once per episode
Woodruff:
well all know that
Gregory:
Lindsay Graham said nice
things
about Hillary Clinton and
that's
hurt him with primary voters
who
think he's too liberal
Brooks:
liberal? He impeached Clinton!
Gregory:
LOL
Brooks:
let's face it – Graham is one
of
the best Senators in America
Gregory:
yes he is
Brooks:
do the voters want
a
great Senator or an idiot
Gregory:
tough call
Brooks:
we always say D.C. is
dysfunctional
but it's actually
the
voters who suck
Matthews:
Susan Rice was
right
about Benghazi all along!
Gregory:
but it's out there
Woodruff:
that's right – but
the
2016 election is far away
Brooks:
maybe Ted Nugent
will
say something stupid
Woodruff:
Maybe?
Gregory:
they caught El Chapo!
Potter:
this is like catching bin Laden
Braun:
Chapo makes Al Capone
look
like a boy scout
Gregory:
wow!
Expert:
he had 80% of the drugs
in
this country including pot and
cocaine
and meth
Gregory:
he's the Heisenberg of Mexico
Potter:
Forbes magazine named him
one
of the richest men and Best Drug Dealer
Gregory:
wow
Potter:
he escaped from prison
in
a laundry truck and he
became
a legend
Gregory:
not anymore
Potter:
there could be more violence
as
rivals try to take over his business
Gregory:
how did they get him this time
Potter:
they covered the back door
Gregory:
brilliant
Gregory:
Garrick Utley died –
he
covered Vietnam and
even
hosted Meet The Press
[
break ]
Smith:
you beat the Soviet Union in 1980
Wells:
it was elation
Smith:
it was a vindication
of
our way of life!
Smith:
what was getting
that
gold medal like?
Wells:
I was the hero
Smith:
after you had
terrible
back pain
Smith:
you sold your gold medal
– that
must have been hard
Wells:
it was hard but that
memory
will never go away
Smith:
and now you're walking
and
even skating again
Wells:
yes – it's great
Smith:
it's a second miracle on ice
[
break ]
Gregory:
evil Russia won the most medals
– what
did you guys think of the games?
Brooks:
the highlight of the games
was
Shaun White losing well
Woodruff:
all the women winning
Gregory:
I'm all about the slopestyle!
Matthews:
those crazy kids all
up
in the air – it's crazy I tell you
Gregory:
whatever happened to
all
the terrorism the media was promised?
Cooper:
better luck next time Fluffy
Gregory:
and that's another
episode of Meet The
Press
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