Sunday, February 16, 2014

Meet The Press – February 16, 2013

Chuck Todd

David Axelrod

Richard Engel

Ramzan Kadyrov – President of Chechnya

Bill Nye

Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN)

Mitt Romney

Julie Pace

Nicole Wallace

Andy Cohen

Harry Smith

Brian Boitano

Gregory: OMG let's talk about 
something really important – 
the USA won a hockey game!

Todd: Putin was sitting right there

it was like Rocky IV

Gregory: we beat the Russkies!

Axelrod: people love this stuff

Wallace: it's like the Cold War

all over again

Gregory: like the miracle on ice!

Engel: I was there –

it was amazing

Gregory: awesome

Engel: there have been no terrorism

at the Games and that's because Putin

is cracking down terrorists but also

showering Chechnya with cash

Gregory: wow

Engel: Grozny was destroyed and

now rebuilt and better than ever –

it's like Las Vegas except in 20 years

it will still have water

Kadyrov: we rebuilt the land with 
help from God and Putin

Engel: you are rich with rc helicopters

and your own private zoo

Kadyrov: it's good to be President

Engel: people say you are a brutal dictator

Kadyrov: nonsense – who says this?

I will have them killed

Gregory: so what about the terrorists?

Engel: Chechens have fled to Dagestan

it's drab and violent like Camden

but with less snow

Gregory: thanks Richard

[ break ]

Gregory: welcome Mitt –

experts keep saying there

will definitely be terrorism in Sochi –

have fears been overblown?

Romney: no but the games are very safe

Gregory: you boldly wrote an

op-ed saying Russia spent

too much on the Olympics

Romney: yes – you don't need to spend

$50 billion on Olympics – you could spend

that money on fighting poverty or disease

or a country club membership

Gregory: I bet Putin thinks it was worth it

Romney: no doubt but he is unsavory

and the IOC should order countries

not to spend a lot of money on the games

Gregory: you want to turn US

sovereignty over to the IOC?

Romney: hey at least it's not the UN

Gregory: should a US city still try

to host a Games?

Romney: oh definitely –

it's fun to service others

Gregory: do you think gay marriage

is wrecking society?

Romney: yes because kids need a

mother and a father except when they don't

Gregory: any other problems?

Romney: no that's basically it –

ideally kids will have a Mom

and a Dad and a trust fund

Gregory: Republicans are losing this fight

Romney: okay but you have to stand for

what you believe in – single parents are bad

Gregory: got it

Romney: also courts should not decide

Constitutional rights except for the

Second Amendment

Gregory: What about Monica Lewinsky?

Romney: Benghazi

Gregory: okay but the GOP wants

to run against Bill Clinton

Romney: well he embarrassed the

nation but that's not Hillary's fault

Gregory: [ grinning ] when asked if you

would run for President again you said

no no no no no no no no –

so I ask you if will you run for President?

Romney: no

Gregory: do you seen yourself as

a loser for life or are you a

magnificent human being?

Romney: more the latter Fluffy

Gregory: tell me more

Romney: Obama has failed to get

unemployment below 5%

Gregory: tell me more

Romney: the deficit!

Gregory: will America win gold?

Romney: gosh I hope so

Gregory: me too

Romney: Shaun White is a good sportsman

Gregory: he's gone corporate

Romney: some of my best friends

own teams which play hockey games

[ break ]

Gregory: wow there are endless snowstorms

in the east and an epic drought out west

Audience: arrrrgh

Gregory: the British blame floods

on climate change

British: bloody fossils

Gregory: welcome Bill and Marcia –

with all this extreme weather do

we need to act on climate change?

Nye: yes we need to build better

batteries which can also make us rich

Blackburn: Bill Nye is not a scientist 
he's an actor

Gregory: burn

Blackburn: anyway no one weather event

can be blamed on climate change so

who knows what the truth is?

Nye: I do

Gregory: there is scientific consensus

on climate change isn't there?

Nye: yes the fossil fuels industry

is just trying to confuse people

Gregory: ok Marcia is failing here

so let me make the argument for her

climate change is real but any

solutions will hurt the economy

Blackburn: there is no such thing

as climate change and no

scientific consensus at all!

Gregory: Marcia PG&E believes in

man-made climate change for gosh sakes!

Blackburn: well fine but you 
can't pass laws based on unproven 
science and hypotheses

Nye: look at this picture of the Antarctic

it's shrinking!

[ holds up picture of south pole ]

Gregory: let me come to Marcia's rescue

addressing climate change is very expensive

Blackburn: biologists tell us carbon

has a lot of benefits – we need more carbon!

Nye: [ stunned look ]

Gregory: Bill how can we cut carbon

without a political consensus?

Nye: how about we just try to

use energy efficiently – is that okay 
or a communist plot?

Gregory: please bash Obama for me

Blackburn: climate change may be real

but America can't afford to address it

Gregory: Mr Nye?

Nye: looks like I picked the wrong

week to quit drinking

Blackburn: by the way I love you in that

tv show about the flying phone booth

is that a documentary?

Nye: [ head explodes ]

Blackburn: Bill?

Gregory: his head exploded Marcia

Blackburn: awww bless his heart

[ break ]

Gregory: panel there is scientific agreement

on climate change but nothing is

getting done politically

Axelrod: because no one wants to

sacrifice to solve a problem 
100 years from now

Pace: Congress can barely agree

to not to go into default

Todd: environmentalists should stop

talking about stopping man-made

climate change and focus on dealing with it

Gregory: [ grinning ]

politicians pay a price when it snows!

Wallace: sure we could wreck

the American economy but it wouldn't

make a dent so why bother

Gregory: President McCain 
wants to attack Syria

Todd: this is consuming Obama but

he's not going invade another

middle eastern country

Gregory: interesting

Pace: diplomacy isn't working but

no one wants another war

Axelrod: it's horrific but the American

people don't care that much

Wallace: John McCain and Lindsay Graham

were willing to work with Obama when

they thought he was going to 
bomb the shit out of Syria

Gregory: sometimes it almost seems like

invading the middle east doesn't always work

Wallace: Obama ruined America

forever when he didn't bomb Syria

Todd: when he suggested it he

had no political support at all

Wallace: Obama is weak and that's

why people are dying in Syria

Todd: the Republicans pitched a fit

and rejected action in Syria!

Gregory: thanks for coming guys

[ break ]

Gregory: it's been a big week for gay athletes

Smith: the Attorney General will recognize

gay rights and a star football player came out

Cohen: his college teammates didn't mind

Smith: they accepted him

Cohen: it's incredible

Smith: then there's Russia

Cohen: I refused to go – I could be

stoned for promoting basic gay rights

Smith: what about Putin

Cohen: when I see him my blood boils

Smith: well he is kind of evil

Cohen: the mayor of Sochi said there

are no gay people there –

let me tell him there are now!

Boitano: I truly believe the Olympics will

never be held in a place without

good human rights record

Smith: Putin hugged a gay person by mistake

Cohen: wouldn't it be great if that rat-faced

bastard learned that something from all this?

[ break ]

Gregory: Nicole is the GOP 
ready for the gays?

Wallace: the GOP has to be a party

open and tolerant to all – those who believe

in equal rights for everyone and those

who believe in rights only for themselves

Gregory: and that's another 
episode of Meet The Press

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