Sunday, January 05, 2014

This Week with George Stephanopoulos – January 5, 2013

Jeff Zeleny
James Schmitt – Mayor of Green Bay
Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY)
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D – NY)

Stephanopoulos: OMG it's really fucking cold!

Reporter: holy shit Lake Michigan is frozen solid

Stephanopoulos: yikes

Reporter: Fargo will be 61 below zero

Stephanopoulos: motherfucker

Reporter: Atlanta will be 6 degrees

Stephanopoulos: criminy it's not burnin' now

Reporter: to keep safe remember
to cover your ears and and
and don't wear flip flops

Stephanopoulos: what about the
big football game Mayor?

Schmitt: we will hand out hot chocolate
and hope the Green Bay Packer
fans use some common sense

Stephanopoulos: good luck with that

Schmitt: heh

Stephanopoulos: the football field will be rock hard

Schmitt: I hope so – we're used to it!

Stephanopoulos: ha

Schmitt: we're really worried about the 49ers fans
they're from San Francisco which means
they're probably clueless hipster hacker
skateboarders with one flannel shirt
and a knit hat and some pot

Stephanopoulos: I see

Schmitt: this is Wisconsin –
we drink beer and eat cheese and brats –
those hippies will freeze to death here

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: Jeff what's
happening on Capitol Hill?

Zeleny: Republicans only need 6
Senate seats to finally realize
their dream of wrecking Obama's Presidency

Stephanopoulos: nice

Zeleny: the President is pushing 
for unemployment relief

Stephanopoulos: what else

Zeleny: also we're going to have a
fight over the debt ceiling because
of course paying our bills is controversial
since Obama was elected

Stephanopoulos: welcome Senator Paul –
what about extending unemployment benefits?

Paul: it's wrong to borrow money from
China since Obama took office

Stephanopoulos: of course

Paul: also we need to create jobs

Stephanopoulos: well no kidding

Paul: I am promoting Economic
Freedom Zones which would cut taxes

Stephanopoulos: why are you suing the NSA?

Paul: because we fought the
Revolutionary War in 1776 to prevent
the government from creating a record 
of phone records

Stephanopoulos: The New York Times endorsed
clemency for Ed Snowden but you said
Clapper and Snowden should share a prison cell

Paul: I don't think Snowden deserves
life in prison but what he did is not
okay either – also Clapper broke the law

Stephanopoulos: so what is your position?

Paul: Snowden revealed great
abuses and Clapper lied to Congress!

Stephanopoulos: bold statement

Paul: also I think Clapper is a
good man and a patriot I just think
America would be safer if he were in prison

Stephanopoulos: is it true you had
trouble signing up for Obamacare?

Paul: yes and I am totally uncertain
and I keep getting error codes
and it's an unfolding disaster

Stephanopoulos: fantastic

Stephanopoulos: what about immigration reform?

Paul: I'm for expansive work visas
just not citizenship

Stephanopoulos: I see

Paul: if the Democrats were humane
they would let people work without
ever becoming citizens

Stephanopoulos: how about that Chuck?

Schumer: look everyone wants
immigration reform – businesses,
religions, liberals, conservatives

Stephanopoulos: not everyone

Schumer: but Republicans realize
they need to pass immigration reform
to win elections

Stephanopoulos: are we sure about that?

Schumer: John Boehner finally said 
he was sick of the tea party jerking him around

Stephanopoulos: President Rand Paul
just said he was willing to sign unemployment
extension if we can cut taxes

Schumer: he's insulting people
desperate and looking for work

Stephanopoulos: perhaps but maybe
aid makes them lazy

Schumer: George Bush first pushed
unemployment aid

Stephanopoulos: will Obamacare 
destroy the Democrats?

Schumer: no it's doing well – all those
terrible things people predicted are not happening

Stephanopoulos: but but

Schumer: shut up Stephy

Stephanopoulos: Bill DiBlasio supports
raising taxes on rich people

Schumer: I'm staying out of this one

Stephanopoulos: do you support 
 clemency for Ed Snowden?

Schumer: no because a civil rights activist
is required to face the consequences
and go to prison like Martin Luther King 
or Gandhi or Martha Strewart

Stephanopoulos: I see

Schumer: maybe Snowden hurt our agents overseas

Stephanopoulos: maybe

Schumer: who knows?!

Stephanopoulos: that's all the time we have

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